Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#421

I came back from my 5 days of rest strong. Hit my HOT custom for 1min and RoW for 30s. It was ok at first. But something I’m starting to realize is the way listening over the course of the week compounds for me. I was tracking this stuff in a mood journal then fell off with that, ironically due to recon which is what I was trying to evaluate in the first place.

Anyway it seems like the recon exponentially builds if I don’t get just the right amount of exposure. And then I hit a crash out point where further exposure just makes things worse.

What I tend to get hung up on. I know 30s isn’t my entire custom. But I worry what I’m actually getting? Like if it’s still the HOT core I’m good. If I’m just processing a random few modules and not getting to HOT I feel like maybe I should just stick to the standard title. Cuz this is my pattern with customs, I’ll advance on exposure too fast because I want the entire custom, but I’m not ready for the whole thing.

Having said all that, I am aggressively easing off exposure. I’m going to take it as easy as possible. My goal is to just run the subs and actually make an effort NOT to take action. I know that flies in the face of conventional wisdom with these subs, but my intent is to witness what organically forms in my mind and how I act on it vs excessive action that’s done in a more fear based way as a way to avoid some undesirable scenario.

This is going to be difficult because I’m going up against survival defenses that I need to dismantle. Part of me thinks if I stop moving I’ll just die or relapse into some state where my life progressively falls apart. I need to show parts of my mind through experience, through emotional understanding that nothing will happen. And even more than that GOOD things can happen from a relaxed, calm, and peaceful state. And typically in my life my greatest progress is when I stop pushing and just relax into things. It’s been the biggest paradox for me. I’ll be frantic, anxious, and seemingly busy yet I go nowhere. And then once I say “eh whatever” it all goes into place. I don’t get it, but I think I need to learn how to spend more time in that space.

#422

What’s the longest washout you had?

#423

I feel like I’ve done a month before. Generally not a fan of washouts I find it kills my momentum.

#424

Unfortunately have to drop RoW. I really wanted to explore this title and break free, but circumstances in my life have me in survival mode again and I need to address that directly. Switching to Sanguine today.

I’ve been crying. Everything looked so promising in my life with AoH, I’ve now just been filled with fear and dread.

I’m not giving up my HoT custom, I’m not backpedaling on my focus to be who I am. But I need a serious support sub right now so I can focus on building my life.

And for context this has nothing to do with me and my challenges I was facing a few weeks ago. It has everything to do with certain individuals and that’s all I’m going to say on the matter. Not my own personal failings navigating this hard time right now.

#425

Sanguine was the right call, but I do find it interesting how it works for me.

I actually feel worse after running it. But it’s like it doesn’t just give me this blanket of calm to deal with things. It actually helps me dig into why I’m having anxiety and what I can do. Pacifying anxiety with relaxation has always only been a temporary fix at best and at worst it becomes dissociative like watching movies, playing video games, or escaping in music.

Today I realized why I have so much anxiety and it largely centers around money and my skillset. It’s a hard thing to face, but being a manager these past 2 years has taken me further away from an actual career path that’s good for me. Even though I’m not starting over and I do have somewhat of a foundation, I have to be honest with how far behind I am. And that alone starts triggering feelings of insecurity in myself.

I’m still trying to find a direction to pivot to that will both provide me good financial compensation and won’t burn me out. Desktop support at this point in my life is a no go, I’ve dealt with so many rude and hostile people over the years just because they don’t know how to work a computer and I’m not dealing with that again. It turns into an abusive relationship and the business enables those people. And it doesn’t even pay well most places, so I get treated like crap and the pay isn’t good which is like why would I ever subject myself to that again?

I might run Sanguine for a month then rotate in RoW again. I really liked it and what it was building towards. Unfortunately I got paralyzed under so much anxiety I couldn’t do anything. It’s been so bad I realized for the past 3 days I haven’t even been breathing properly and today I woke up dizzy like I was hyperventilating all through the night.

#426

Ok so I’m sitting here feeling better. Sanguine did the job. I’m currently going through a trauma releasing somatic course so I’m factoring in that too. But overall I was in such a doom spiral and I’m now pulling out of it.

That was one 40s loop. I’m still anxious about getting a job and finding a new place to live, but I’m managing. Just one day at a time. Something is better than nothing every day. I’m really hitting up against some harsh thoughts towards myself. Like I’m going through a lot, I can only do so much right now.

My HoT custom is still hitting some difficult spots too. But overall since scaling back the exposure time I’ve been feeling better about the way I look. Even feeling cute when I look in the mirror which I felt like I wasn’t allowed to before until I looked a certain way. I think Sanguine is helping with this. As a trans woman there’s a lot of hate directed towards people like me. When I try to feel good about myself despite my current physical appearance I hear those toxic beliefs in my head. It’s made me realize for me how important it is to have a shield from that negativity otherwise it’ll hinder my own life improvements.

All in all, I think Sanguine was a very important missing piece in this journey for me and leaving it in my stack for now is super important. You can’t build when things are tearing you down. Unfortunately I’ve come to realize I VERY quickly internalize the negative things out there and I had no defense against it.

#427

A lesson on being careful with who I allow into my head.

I caught up with my dad today on the phone. Explaining how I haven’t been applying for any and every job. I told him I’m finding a company that doesn’t try to get 2 in 1 jobs out of me and treats me well. He was like “do you really think that’s out there?” Which is telling. My influence growing up in life, is it any wonder I keep finding myself gravitating to taking any old job without considering my needs and what I want? He seems to think it’s better to suck it up and work for problematic people vs find an environment that benefits you. It’s just such an odd take, but I see it for what it is now.

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#428

I found a therapist that utilizes neurofeedback. I crashed out pretty hard a few days ago and was feeling defeated in life. I did a search for hypnotherapists in my area and landed on him. But after talking to him he recommended neurofeedback instead.

The way he explained it to me. I’ve been in a heightened state of anxiety that being relaxed and calm is so foreign to me. We need to train my mind to make that the default. I felt intuitively that this is what I needed because I’ve arrived at the conclusion I was trying to solved problems in a mindset that caused those very same problems.

He specifically mentioned this type of therapy method helps enhance any other existing methods or coping skills I’ve learned. So I’m anticipating my subliminal results to get way better from this as well. I’m a very self aware capable person with a lot of insight, but I’ve been unable to actualize it due to being suspended in a state of fear for years.

One thing that I realized after my first session. The importance of targeting the actual problem generating the experiences of life. Very often it seems like among friends or family I verbalize a problem and then a cognitive solution is given, but the problem itself doesn’t exist within the realm of the objective external reality. I think this is why I’ve still struggled with subs. At the end of the day all change comes from within and if that gear shift for making changes is grinding and stuck it’s not gonna happen. Not with removing limiting beliefs, not with calming the body, not with moving forward.

I’ve learned this is developmental trauma and it contributes to limited ability to meaningfully enact changes from subliminals for me. I’ve had to admit this to myself today. But it’s good because I’ve identified the treadmill I’ve been stuck on and have hope for a different way of living.

I never really understood how people can just listen to subs and have their life improve in a super meaningful way. I’m not saying I haven’t had my own growth. But I’ve been at this a really long time and I’m starting to see a pattern of change from within a static paradigm vs true deep level change. And I think part of that is the “sound mind” that’s advocated for with these subs as a foundation has not been a privilege I’ve had in life.

#429

And now I’m thinking of dropping Sanguine and moving to AoH. Nice try brain. We’re gonna be relaxed,safe,and secure and that’s the plan going forward. That is the foundation. How did I get here with such contradictory reactions to good things…

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#430

What about committing to Sanguine for 90 days?

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#431

That’s probably a good idea. It’s my second week using it and I’ve been feeling a lot more stable.

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#432

Hmmmm. I just realized my jeans are really loose around my waist today. Not sure when that happened. My butt looks bigger too. Granted I’m on hormones, but I’ve read a lot of accounts of HRT not doing much for other trans women.

I’ve also been working on posture in general pretty diligently and using a mouthguard at night. I just realized my feet point forward now and naturally have more arch support. Seems like things are aligning better.

I’m doing a lot of stuff, it’s hard to pinpoint what’s what. In an ideal world I could isolate all of it and figure it out. But I’ve gotten to a point where I’ve just accepted it’s going to take a grab bag of things to get me where I need to be and to accept anything and everything that shows up. I used to have this weird tendency towards focusing on one thing and one thing only and sticking it out. It’s got me thinking a lot about sub usage and how maybe I’ve been too rigid when I should have altered the tools a bit as shifting demands come about. Perfect example, I dropped AoH recently. I loved what it was doing, but I got hit with the worst anxiety in a while due to other events and knew Sanguine was important to run. If I didn’t listen to that instinct I would have been anxious and stubbornly trying to get AoH to work for me.

#433

Are you wearing jeans marketed to men or women?

#434

Both. Maybe I’m imagining it. I’ll have to check my waist size compared to a few months back. The pair I was wearing today were mens.

#435

Perhaps you are at point where you might consider looking for clothes in the women’s section.

#436

Oh I do already, I don’t really wear mens clothes anymore. But in general I’ve been doing the clothes are clothes thing, especially with the premium women’s clothes get attached to them sometimes and thin fabric. So if a pair of jeans fits and look good on me men or women’s I’m good lol

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#437

Procrastinated all day with updating a profile photo on LinkedIn. I don’t think I look terrible, it’s just that being able to hide behind a profile with no pic gave me some comfort. But in a way it’ll weed out the discriminatory people vs getting to interviews and them wanting to meet me face to face or virtually and wasting my time if they decide I’m not a “good fit”.

I’m having a harder time lately with everything because this is all new to me. I don’t know what to expect or how others will treat me.

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#438

I had a talk with a friend of mine who works in recruiting on job hunting and I just wanted to vent.

Job requirements- It’s a wishlist. WHY PUT THEM IN THERE IF THEY AREN’T ABSOLUTE REQUIREMENTS?

People care more about your personality, show enthusiasm - This is literally not me. I got my legal name changed recently which was such an important thing. This was such a big change for me and I wasn’t gushing with enthusiasm. How in the hell am I supposed to summon that for a job that in all likelihood doesn’t align with my interests? I barely get excited about personal things, the likelihood of that in a job is very very low.

Job interviews - OMG, don’t get me started on these. Sure lets review a potential candidate on how well they come across in a one to one meeting with a complete stranger. That’ll surely indicate their job competency. I’ve been on the other end of hiring as well, I could tell when people were giving me what they thought I wanted to hear vs giving me an accurate portrayal of who they were as a person.

Be confident in your skills - How can I have confidence if I don’t even have a good idea of how those skills translate to an environment? Maybe it’s because I work in IT and this is ALWAYS changing, by the time you finish a cert something else has shown up that businesses want to jump on. I have minimal confidence in my skills because I recognize just how much I don’t know. I don’t know how to turn this off.

The tailoring the resume, ATS application software, HR Gatekeeping - It’s now a game getting your resume seen. It has nothing to do with your skillset or experience. Throwing darts at a dartboard.

Am I crazy? The more I look at the job seeking process it’s equivalent to a magical ritual. You do all this stuff in hopes that it brings about an outcome, but it’s all random and pure chaos. Like people will say “make sure you tailor your cover letter!” then I read articles from hiring mangers who do not even bother to read them. There is 0 consistency in any of this.

So that being said, I’m just gonna assume I’m getting a job and I don’t care how it happens or if it’s possible. All this is nonsense, pure nonsense. Anyone who says do this or do that, there’s an example out there of the contrary and they still got the job. Thankfully I’ve got subs to help me out with this and I just know I’ll find something because the current system is broken and I’m just not gonna play that game.

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#439

:+1: so good.

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#440

I feel like I’ve turned a corner and gained some valuable insights lately.

I’ve been battling this one for months now. Being trans. I’m just me. I’m not a political statement and I’m not a gender noncomformist trying to be a rebel. If I could just fix all this and be seen as a woman and just live my life that would be a blessing. I’ve read sexual trauma can cause issues with losing weight because subconsciously the individual will put on weight as a sort of defense mechanism. And it got me thinking about my own situation. What if I’m so afraid of never passing, never fitting in, that my body is being held back from shifting? My mind would rather prevent a potentially traumatic end state of never getting the thing I wanted most in my life by preventing me from going for it in the first place. I’ve mentioned it before but I’ve taken on this end state pre-emptive failure to sort of prepare? Idk.

But I’m just really sad right now. Being forced to go through so much of my life as a guy. Like I can’t even put into words how painful it’s been having my real self buried so fucking deep. That despite being free now, I still struggle because it’s not like pulling back a curtain for a grand reveal. It’s more like trying to detect fragments with a metal detector in a desert. The desire is there, the progress is there, but the psychological scars its left I’m still recovering from.

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