Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#401

After getting out of this job, it really made me realize something. Being accountable for your situation in life is important, but it’s also important not to let people gaslight you into believing you aren’t trying hard enough or that you’re doing something wrong.

I feel like I’m being wrung out like a washcloth in this country and every ounce is taken from me in exchange for marginally acceptable living conditions. I shouldn’t have to be an entrepreneur to be ok, I shouldn’t have to go into debt to own a home, I shouldn’t have to worry about my physical health deteriorating because medical bills, I shouldn’t have to spend almost half my paycheck for rent. The goal posts have been constantly shifting over the years and I’m sick of it.

I believe in the power of the mind, I believe in the inherent power in all of us. But damn there are structures in place in society which act as direct blocks. I’m trying to be better, I’m trying to live my life in such a way where I can overcome this biased system while directly recognizing it is inherently unfair and that’s not a limiting belief. I see it in my friends and family, I see them all just trying to do their best while they’re unwittingly playing a game they haven’t been privy to the rules of. I’ve been doing the same thing, I need this to stop.

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#402

I had this exact same experience with seductress too. It’s a very feminine leaning sub. I’d say the mirror opposite of Khan.

Also really deep journal. You’re doing so amazing.

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#403

Thank you :heart: ! I really appreciate that.

It’s so hard to find any challenges reported on here about Seductress. Are there any others you faced while using it? I’ve been using it for a bit and I’m committed to breaking through these blocks, but they are really heavy.

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#404

Yeah it heals your stuff but it does it so fast you feel really shit every other day especially in the beginning. I’d say add one more rest day in between listenings and see if that helps. I did seductress back before zero point when you’d listen to subs like 3 hours each day total lololol. It did so much for me looks wise too. I lost 10kg while running it since it gave me a push. Hair got better, skin got better, stopped using makeup, got new better clothes, gained tons of healthy confidence… yeah good times. @TheEmpress also uses seductress as far as I know.

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#405

Yes that’s been one of my core titles since 2022! Lots and lots of listening. I have many journals where I am have shared my progress and gains with that title. I use HoT as well in random rotation. Currently Hot in my stack.

Seductress helped me with my hair, nails, skin, breasts, skin tightened up more amongst other things. I was led to a very regimented skin care routine and found the best products for me at different times. This is ingrained in me now. Learning about beauty products has become more enjoyable!

I am currently enjoying eye masks as an addition to my routine!

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#406

That’s very accurate lol. I’ll give that a try. I usually do end up taking an additional rest day without even realizing it. I definitely forgot it has the trauma healing aspect of the script.

I’ve been bouncing around A LOT of skincare. Tons of trial and error and not being enticed by marketing. Trying to figure out what’s doing what and pairing it down to the essentials. It’s been like wack a mole lol.

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#407

There’s scripting that aids with better understanding your emotions, which can definitely create some discomfort.

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#408

I’ve been a lifetime avoider of emotions so that makes sense why it’s hitting so hard

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#409

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#410

WHOA! Do you think this is correlated with your reconciliation experiences?

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#411

Very much so. I’ve written about it before but can’t remember where. There’s the fundamental healthy emotional regulation that’s necessary to process reconciliation because reconciliation is largely emotion based. If the base emotional processing is all out of wack that ability to integrate the sub is compromised.

This is why I’ve realized healing subs weren’t as great for me because they rely on a process that’s largely been dysfunctional my whole life.

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#412

Have you looked into what your attachment style is? I wonder if that might help with what to focus on with emotional healing.

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#413

My therapist told me I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style.

I’m at a loss as far as emotional healing goes. I’ve noticed emotional healing can sometimes put me in a cycle of more avoidance because I confuse a tendency to isolate as a growing comfort of being alone.

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#414

I’ll come back to AoH sometimes in the future or when I feel I need a refresher. I think for now I’ve figured out some things. Going to do a 5 day washout starting today.

Currently still unemployed. I have some savings. Instead of panicking and jumping head first into a job I’ve been giving myself time to expand. This is a turning point in my life. I can either jump back into ALL the stupid bs I subjected myself to when it came to money and this system or I can challenge everything and do something new. And I’ve decided I’m going to question everything and start from scratch. That means putting RoW in my stack.

So the plan is my long term with custom HOT and Seductress (hopefully upgraded Seductress soon). Running RoW alongside these two. Give that a solid run for a month or two to see how things unfold. Depending on where I’m at introduce VIBES. Music is my constant, if I can leverage RoW to integrate music into my life I’ll be happy.

I’ve been operating on a very tunnel visioned path when it comes to money and careers and my survival. And I’ve realized none of those decisions are being made from a higher cognitive perspective because I’m gripped by fear. Despite what I’ve done or how I’ve planned, that fear never leaves me. I’ve realized that this fear is more a fear of being at the mercy of someone else, a power imbalance that I don’t know how to navigate due to the complexities that govern money. I’m ready to address that.

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#415

Every day I’m trying to make a conscious decision to live my life with alignment. It’s hard, really really really hard. The other day I applied for a job I didn’t even want, I lied to myself and said I could make it work when I knew damn well I’d be in the same position I was for the past two years being stressed at performing at a job I’m not suited for.

I hear echoes in my head. “Stop being picky, stop being entitled, you’re nothing special, you don’t deserve to be paid a lot of money”. And so it goes. For the next 30 days I’m making a firm commitment to reverse all of this so I can make better decisions. So long as that rhetoric exists in my head I’m always going to end up down paths I don’t want.

I’m not going to get into politics here in the US. But right now I feel pretty awful. Lots of unknowns and I just really didn’t want any of this on top of what I’m already dealing with.

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#416

Haven’t even run RoW but seems to be like my mind is going interesting places

The new location I’m moving to, I took like a mini vacation. There was a used bookstore and I went in not knowing what I was going to pick up. I kind of just meandered around and followed my intuition about what I should grab. Ended up leaving with these.

Alchemy and Mysticism (big book of symbolism and some amazing art. Lots of stuff from William Blake)

The Repeater Book of the Occult (not true occult, it’s like a philosophical dissecting of older occult related stories. It explores the intersection of when scary stories manifest in our own awareness as real.)

The Death Algorithm and Other Digital Dilemmas (having to deal with the mistaken assumption that algorithms are the way forward in life vs another tool. It’s a hammer and everything looks like a nail. I’ve encountered the “garden wall” type effect with algorithms. The irony if I looked online for this book I probably wouldn’t have found it. But you could argue our minds are highly complex algorithms as far as manifesting goes, just needs to built the right way.)

Strangers To Ourselves, Unsettled Minds and The Stories That Make Us (This one is really interesting. As someone who has been through several moments where the severity of my mental illness was shaped by my narrative around it, I relate to the premise of it. This book explores the difficulty of witnessing yourself through distressing periods and what changes and the difficulties of slipping away from who you want to be.)

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#417

What if Earth is just the ghetto of the universe? And scientists attempts at reaching intelligent life hasn’t been successful because we’re basically on a do not interact with list. Basically we are the hostile aliens nobody wants to engage with.

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#418

RoW 30s today. Going slooooooow cuz financial stuff kicks up recon.

Random musings.

The haves and the have nots. This is something that gets me. I feel guilt, yes guilt, for being in objectively better circumstances than others. The higher I climb, the more comfortable and safe I become, the worse I feel because I can’t reconcile the fact that everyone can’t have this experience. I wish I had more money to flow to charities, help with research, support startups with people who have a bigger cause in this world, anything to move things forward on the positive scale. But I can’t because I’m a pawn in the system too and fear of money rules my existence.

To understand wealth to such a degree that it’s not the quantity of it or how much to save, but the flow of it and how to ride it. That’s my ultimate goal. If I know I’m ok, if I can ride the peaks and dips and ultimately understand I’m in no danger that would be liberation to me.

Cuz I’m gonna be honest, I hate money and I know this works against me. From witnessing my mom clipping coupons as a child and trying to afford food, my dad withholding financial information and saying “we’re fine don’t worry”, to being thrown into debt from college and having to pay it all back for the privilege of just not having my resume immediately tossed out on job applications, to potentially making bad career choices just for higher pay that ultimately would cause stress and hurt me.

The good of money? I can buy music equipment, things that help me express myself (clothing, jewelry, makeup, etc.), food, entertainment. But it feels like a drop in the ocean of financial struggle and a cope to offset the anxiety of being at the mercy of something I never had the skills to excel in or understand.

So maybe if I can clear out this “money sucks, I hate it” mentality I can open up further to the positive sides of it. But right now I feel it’s an oppressive force vs a tool to wield.

#419

Started decluttering my apartment starting yesterday. Getting a fresh start on everything.

Today I was just gonna bum around in my pajamas while I was cleaning, but decided to get fully dressed for myself. I even did some makeup. It helped give that separation of being lazy all day vs getting stuff done.

It’s slow moving but it’s happening. What I’m realizing the most is just how much stuff I’m still mentally unpacking. My life was on pause for about 7 years working at my former job. And then on top of that being trans has been a whole thing to navigate.

One thing that was a big duh moment. In my custom I have attachment destroyer. I literally signed a severance agreement with my job. That was symbolic of forever cutting my ties with them and moving forward in life. I could have gotten an attorney and gone all the way with them, but I’d still be tied up with them in some way. I took the money instead and focused on channeling that into building my life for the better. Leaving this bs behind me.

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#420

I’m ready for the new seductress. To embody being sexy, powerful, and seductive. I know sometimes the brighter you shine, the more people want to tear you down. But I honestly feel deep in my soul I have this untapped expression just waiting to be released.

I don’t want to be meek or timid. I want to be bold. I want to walk and feel like I own the space I’m in vs a hesitant guest.

For too long I’ve dulled myself to compromise with the haters. Fuck the haters. I’m past the point of trying to understand their side. They don’t try to understand me so I’ll just live my life and if they have a problem that’s their problem not mine.

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