Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#381

So I had someone flirt with me in my support group over discord which fucking sucked because they were pushy. It sucked for two reasons. 1. I’m in a vulnerable state and 2. I still have a fawn response when it comes to other people. But I was able to assert boundaries. Even after I put those in place she was like “ok let’s just be friends then” and I just didn’t trust her at all. Who goes into an emotional support group and tries to get with someone romantically, it upset me so much. And yet again I end up feeling bad when it’s someone else that was in the wrong. And since this is a physical meet up too I don’t know if she’ll be there next time.

Still waiting for the day when someone emotionally mature and kind wants to connect with me. I haven’t personally experienced it yet but I’ve heard from a lot of other trans women that some guys just view us as fetish objects. So I’m wondering once I really start getting into the scripting of seductress how many weirdos are gonna come out of the woodwork. I’m not gonna lie I’m having a really difficult time executing on seductress just because of the potential unwanted attention. And yeah that kinda sounds vain that I think I’m gonna get sooooo much attention. I don’t even know where I fall on the attractiveness scale lately.

Oh also since I’m running a custom with HoT now for only about 40s I’m wondering if I’m even getting to the main core of it … Might have screwed myself a bit with that.

And I might have found an attorney for my job nonsense. I still can’t believe they did this to me. But it is what it is. You backed me into a corner, I don’t know what else to say. And I’m not gonna sit here and downplay my needs because quite honestly my transition has been brutal. Like it’s got some really joyful moments where I can feel myself, but goddamn is it rough in it’s entirety and the complete disregard for how mentally taxing it is.

#382

Ran my custom and Seductress for 3 minutes yesterday. I don’t know how this is gonna go but I’m really tired of feeling stuck lately.

I woke up from a dream crying this morning. I was back at my childhood home, everyone kept treating me like a guy, it hurt. After composing myself this morning I realized it’s not a reflection of current events, but my past. The silent pain I felt but couldn’t express. That internal pain is also causing me to project outwards and assume things from others that just aren’t true. The problem is it’s not all in the realm of fantasy. I have had people laugh at me, stare and gawk at me, I even had a woman avoid me on a sidewalk as she was walking towards me.

Right now what I’m really struggling with. By brain has been so twisted over the years. My innate traits that I tried so hard to hide from everyone in my life are now the things I’ve realized are genuinely me. But I have not felt safe to express that fully. I hope relatively soon I get some more comfort with myself, people can say all their nasty and awful things about me but I just want to be ok in my body.

#383

5 minutes of AoH.

I’ve decided to really start pushing myself with these subs. Within reason.

But I realized a pattern very similar to when I skateboarded more. I’d try to perfect a trick. I’d get comfortable with it, it’d feel good, but I wasn’t well rounded and it also wasn’t fun because I couldn’t flow with other things at a skatepark.

I’ve been running 30 or 40 second loops. Able to tolerate it, but I just got comfortable with the partial script. And I kept doing it. Was 3 minutes on HoT and Seductress the best call? Idk yet. But what I do know, I can’t just keep practicing in my mind the stuff I’m already familiar with. I have to step into the unknown and new. So that’s what I’m trying.

#384

It’s a lot right now. A lot in my head.

What’s hitting the hardest is my physical insecurities. I can feel the scripting of seeing myself as beautiful and I have a visceral urge to throw it all in the trash. But I won’t give up, I’m going to keep challenging this.

Part of it is arrogance. I think I know and see an objective representation of my physical state. According to what? My own two eyes and biased brain? My friend told me I look cute and she wasn’t bullshiting me. She even said she was jealous.

AoH kinda hit me hard last night too. I think it really amplified seductress for me because I was flooded with sexual energy.

Right now idk. There’s so much friction and clashing of ideas and beliefs about myself. Do I ramp down or stay at this level?

My life is so chaotic right now. Drama at my job, relocating ,and finding new employment. Do I just lean into it? Maybe I just need to tear everything apart and stop clinging to old ways of comfort

#385

Ramp down. The answer is ramp down. Maybe I’ve moved past 30-40 second loops but I’m def not up in the 3-5 minute range yet

#386

Well everything feels so chaotic right now. But I scheduled an appointment to get my brows waxed and styled. If I’m gonna be going through stuff, might as well do it looking good.

#387

Yeah so my company is basically forcing me to resign.

I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, trust them, be nice, and look where that shit got me. They got all the perks and convenience of getting everything sorted enough to give me the boot and I got nothing. They’re even trying to frame it as me agreeing to a date they’re forcing on me so I can’t collect unemployment.

The odd thing is, I must have predicted this coming when I reworked my custom. Every step of the way I’ve been able to be as ruthless as I need to be and stop caring about their needs while simultaneously watching out for manipulation disguised as friendliness.

I joked with my friend I’m entering my villain arc. But even jokingly it’s true. People are going to start seeing a side to me they won’t like and I’m over feeling guilty about that.

On to the next chapter of my life and good riddance to this cancer of a company I was plagued with for years.

#388

Some not crappy updates on my life.

I’m submitting my papers for a legal name change tomorrow which I’m really excited about.

I was comparing older pictures and my face has softened a lot and rounded out a bit.

I had a moment yesterday where I started questioning what I saw in the mirror. And I realized the awful judgmental things I’ve heard about trans women went through my mind and projected itself out into my perception of myself. A lot of my hatred for how i looked wasn’t entirely based on my physical appearance but because of the words of others. And while I still have a long way to go before I really feel comfortable with what I see, I feel like a weight has been lifted a bit for me. I notice my reflection in the mirror is different, all just as a result of not projecting those hurtful things back at me.

It’s like ok, I’m not perfect but I’m allowed to appreciate aspects of myself. Somehow I thought being dissatisfied with my appearance would be the equivalent of not giving in and accepting what was in front of me. That if I started appreciating aspects of myself or found them beautiful then that meant I wouldn’t be able to physically shift into something even better. But I’m trying to change that. I’m trying to love myself and how I look, but also accept that I can improve my looks even more for myself. So instead of hating myself until I reach point X, I can appreciate and feel good about myself while I’m on my way to X. Which is like 1000% better. Just a lot of it was based in fear and not wanting to settle, not wanting to send the message to my subconscious that I was settling or give it an out to not keep going with changes. Just really fear based stuff, I guess I just don’t trust myself still.

I’m currently battling with job searching. Both my skills and value, also not settling for low pay. It’s been tough, but I notice a definitive shift to not just say good enough. Also keeping an eye out for red flags on job postings and the ones that would suck to work for example

“fast pace environment, commitment to excellence, opportunity to learn different aspects of business, self starter and team player”

Translation: Overworked, unrealistic expectations, disorganization, doing the work of 2 people, no guidance, expectation to adhere to the cult like mentality of our business and presence of emotional labor to fit in and if you don’t say yes we’ll threaten you with termination.

I’m jaded, but I’m gonna keep it that way and not touch these companies with a 10 foot pole. Fuck this shit, I’m done inviting people like this into my life

#389

Forgot how crappy and demoralizing job searching is.

I really need to stop trying to avoid crappy companies because that’s all I end up focusing on.

Need to focus on positive supportive and chill and environments. The one I’ve been in for the past few years has been so subtly abusive I can’t even fathom anything else. But I want that, I need that. If Im at a job for 8 hrs a day I have no need for that to add stress to my life. That’s a net negative.

Ughhhhhh. Why is this so hard? Now that my current job is trying to screw me out of unemployment I’m facing the situation where I can’t take my time choosing what I want like I wanted to filter out the crappy candidates.

#390

Still creating a paper trail for my job. Listed all my grievances. Giving them one final opportunity to make things right, truly right not some half assed coercive behavior that puts pressure on me to give in to their demands.

But really I’m done. Totally and completely. I don’t want to stay here, they’ve showed their hand and their intentions.

At will employment gets thrown around a lot, as if that justifies treating people like shit. I’m tired of this, I will be heard even if they don’t like it.

If they go back and say I can stay I’m highly likely to resign anyway just because I can’t take this toxic environment anymore.

#391

So everything is in place. Whether or not my job wants to let me go or not doesn’t matter, I’ve moved on from them mentally. But I’m putting them through difficulty just to teach them a lesson at this point. Yeah I’m spiteful, but you know what? They don’t get to do this to people and get away with it. Maybe I’ll have them reflect on their shitty actions, maybe not. Fenrir has been really useful during this stressful scenario.

I bumped myself to 3 minutes for my subs. Going to reflect on some weird stuff coming up that’s been holding me back.

Lately I’ve been haunted by this idea that I just needed to try harder or do something different as a guy to make my life work. I feel like I failed and took the easy way out, as ridiculous as that sounds. As a woman I’m much more at ease and my natural mannerisms and behaviors just match up. The same ones that made me feel awkward and isolated as a guy, have turned into things that naturally integrate into my life now.

I know my life has gotten better despite my hardships. I’ve had plenty of people comment in my life I seem way happier and comfortable. But I can still sense something holding me back. Some type of deeper shame that I failed in some way that keeps me from really embracing who I am and what I can experience for myself.

Being trans. It’s not just the physical that’s hard. It’s the lifetime of emotional trauma sustained never being able to show up as just myself. Untangling all that, learning what holds me back, why I can’t just allow myself to be that person without deep anxiety and fear. It’s all still there. I worry sometimes running a title like Seductress isn’t authentic.

And I KNOW if I could just work through these feelings and thoughts I’d be a much happier person. I’m moving forward, but I still feel stuck in a lot of ways. And somedays I don’t know how to cope with it.

#392

Do you think it’s reconciliation?

What are you currently listening to?

What are your thoughts about RoM? (I would guess that RoM is unlikely to conflict with any of your objectives or plans, and perhaps could give you insights about what might be going on in your life.)

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#393

It’s recon for sure. But it’s just stuff I need to work through anyway. It’s ok though. I can’t do anything to make this work better, it’s just a process.

My current stack is

AoH
Custom HoT
Seductress

I dropped RoM for AoH. I felt RoM wasnt concrete enough and I just needed better support to take actions in my life vs constantly analyzing everything. I don’t need anymore insight in my life or debating what my path is or anything like that. I’ve realized those things come when I’m experiencing and interacting with life, not trying to just figure things out. What I really need is stuff that encourages me to just get out of my head, I’ve spent far too much time in there for most of my life.

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#394

I do believe I concur.

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#395

AoH has been good. I’ve seen some major changes in my life recently and I’m stepping out of this self harm cycle I was in. I’m afraid and it’s an adjustment to inviting better things into my life but I keep moving forward.

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#396

Definitely an episode of recon, but it presented some thoughts for me once the dust settled. I think 3 minutes might be my cap for now, it’s just enough friction to get me to keep moving forward without being incapacitating.

But I was reflecting on my life. Really for a lot of my life nothing worked, there was barely any joy, I kept feeling like I didn’t get something others were getting. I was on the outside looking in. I battled that for years. So when I started my transition and my life improved like 10x ? It all started making more sense.

I think maybe there’s a lot of guilt and shame leftover. That was a lot of years feeling like I was defective or broken and trying to fix something that I absolutely could not fix in the way society expected me to. So now I keep looking back on it, trying to understand. But there’s nothing to understand. There’s no deeper meaning. I just need to let it go and move on with my life. I was never a guy, I was a woman playing the role of a guy very poorly.

I deserve a shot at happiness as myself. Maybe since I ran 3 minutes on my custom I got the path of forgiveness module I put in there now and that’s why all this is coming up. I do need to forgive myself for not advocating for myself, for not asking for more help, for not fitting in as a guy, for putting off my transition for so many years because I was afraid. I was burdened with these things and I did the best I could at the time.

#397

One of the things I’ve been working on is voice training. Voice is so important for getting gendered correctly.

But I’m dealing with what might be an anatomical limitation. Which ya know physical shifting, but physical shifting has been such a questionable area for me with a lot of the stuff I’m going through. I want to believe it’s possible, but I just don’t know. I’m in uncharted waters here. I don’t want to screw myself out of results, but I don’t know how to balance the positive intent without feeling like I could fail. I’ve made a lot of progress with my voice but maybe I’m shooting for an ideal that’s just stressing me out. Idk :pensive:

#398

Ever since switching to 3 minute loops my life has been undeniably manifested. To a strange degree.

2 days ago I got home from work. I felt this need to cry. I felt overwhelmed, I felt like I couldn’t do things anymore, I needed a break, I needed release, I needed freedom. The next day my job terminated my employment. I wanted this. I needed to break free from them. Originally I had planned to do it on my own timeline and getting everything in place first. But I got screwed. I didn’t want to outright quit and not be eligible for unemployment.

A lot of people in my life have told me this is a win for me because otherwise I would have been compelled to never sever my ties with them. It’s just weird sometimes how others witness a seemingly random occurrence of events and don’t understand the deeper subconscious energy I put into this. I truly feel that despite how stressful this was for me, it was a bridge of events occuring to get me where I need to be in a way that works for me. The NSE at work helping me find a way around a big obstacle I couldn’t just bulldoze through.

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#399

It sounds like you’re going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now! It’s amazing how powerful our intentions can be, and it seems like the universe really responded to your desire for change.

Even though it might feel a bit chaotic and unplanned, trust that this unexpected turn of events is opening up new possibilities for you. You’re free from a situation that wasn’t serving you anymore, and now you have the chance to create something even better.

Take some deep breaths, allow yourself to feel all the feels, and get excited about this new chapter! You’ve got this! :sparkles:

🫶

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#400

Super excited! And yes the incoming feels I’m surrendering to. This is the first time in 7 years I’ve had a pause to collect my thoughts, feelings, allow myself space to just exist and breathe. I still have this residual anxiety like I have to solve something at work or feel responsible for making sure things are running ok.

Getting pizza and watching movies today lol.

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