Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#361

New HoT custom, more modules than my other one but specifically opted for more support modules. The intent is having all of them unified towards a single goal with the physical shifting experience core. It’s like working to break out of limiting beliefs and blocks, but not by going directly after them. The goal is to keep moving forward while making sure I have enough support internally to feel safe going after the things I want. Just did a 30 second loop so starting small.

My previous custom had too much get up and go energy to it I couldn’t use which resulted in anxiety and stress. This new one lets me go at my own pace and really focus less on time and more my experience of living. In addition to RoM with the gentle unfolding I think this will work out better. But we’ll see.

Right now my focus is purely on transforming my physical body. My job, where I live, and who I’m around are just supportive aspects for that. Ideally I can focus on this one goal and everything else falls into place to support that.

Right now my biggest roadblock is getting another job. I keep thinking I’m not good enough and I have to learn more or develop more skills. But I’m tired, I’m going through a lot, and I’m not going to do that. I’m just holding the firm belief something will come along to support my real ambitions and goals as it pertains to my life, not having a company leech off of me for their own gain.

Symmetry: Helen of Troy Core
New Physical Shifting Experience Core
Untouchable
Stress Displacement
Safety Net
Pride Unbroken
Path of Forgiveness
New Dawn
Negativity Displacer
Negative Energy Transmutation
Mosaic
Manipulus
Inner Voice
Homeostasis
Fenrir
Fearsome
Divine Self-Image
Courage Reclaimed
Codename: Umbra
Attachment Destroyer

#362

Custom is going well. I realized something really important yesterday. How I want to feel vs how I actually feel are two very different things. And until how I really feel naturally shows up as how I want to feel I’ll never be free.

The real feelings need to be processed and worked through. And there’s stuff I’m going through right now that just hurts. And every part of me wants to understand why but there is no answer. There’s a solution and a way forward, but reconciling the existence of what I’ve had to live with is tough.

I cried the other day. Among my friends and family I’ve been showing them the good side of myself and not the more difficult and painful one. I’m still people pleasing, afraid of everyone around me getting tired of some emotional or difficult person and wanting to either change how I feel so it’s more comfortable for them or leaving me. I’m left with feeling like I’m all alone and I try to reparent myself and my inner child but it doesn’t work.

This curse of being able to keep up appearances while having turmoil locked away under it with no way to express it outwardly and seek comfort from others. It still feels wrong, like something I should never do. I’m so self conscious about appearing overly emotional to others that I just don’t express anything at all. Idk how I’m so ashamed to just be a human being with thoughts and feelings.

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#363

Nobody can help me except myself. That’s always the tough one. When all you have is yourself and you know deep down that’s all you’ll ever have and that’s supposed to be the most reliable person in your life and you just don’t have any faith or trust built up that they can carry you through life. I’m trying to get there, I’m trying to be there for myself as much as possible.

This week I should be finding out if my company will let me work fully remote and allow me to move. Somehow I doubt they will. And if that’s the case I have to start looking for another job in the new state I’m moving to. And I’m moving for better quality of life and a more tolerant environment. Where I live now isn’t bad but it isn’t great and I deserve so much more out of life than just settling.

I redownloaded an astrology app I was using. I am incapable of using mental gymnastics, hiding, trying to figure out emotions with logic, anything and everything in my toolbox for avoiding and hiding from things. I am in such a state of turmoil because I’ve been thrown head first into all the shit I’ve repressed for years and I don’t even know what to do with a 1/4 of it. It’s exactly like it says here, I can’t make sense of anything.

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#364

Yaaaaay I hit burnout. I am not superhuman despite how much I want to be.

My transition, moving, finding a new job. I bit off more than I can chew. I had a breakdown yesterday, called out of work, didn’t leave my bed. But it was good because I’m now reassessing my strategy and realistically what I need to do within a timeframe vs overly demanding expectations of myself.

I put courage reclaimed in my custom to not be a victim. But at the same time, I need to acknowledge I have some disadvantages in life right now. It’s a careful balance. I was leaning too much on the “yeah I’m not gonna let this stuff define me and I’m gonna be strong and a success story”. Just absolute bullshit. That’s just an expectation I put on myself because of the media and it’s constant fantasy representation of what it is to struggle with something. It’s not always a neat bow tied exposition that unravels into personal growth and accomplishment. Sometimes it’s just a slow painful burn that takes a while to get out of and from the outside looks like absolutely nothing to well adjusted people.

I guess I still feel I need to prove something to the world about myself and I don’t deserve that. I’ve said it before but until I can engage in change solely for my own benefit vs based on others perception of me I’ll never be free. And boy do I have a boatload of insecurities about my physical appearance that’s screwing me up right now.

#365

Tried something different with listening today. Normally I shut off the sub as soon as I reach some discomfort thinking that’s my threshold. But I’ve started treating it more like exposure therapy and building a window of tolerance. I ran my HOT custom for 1:30 today. What I noticed was by the time I was done it felt like I’d dragged up emotions and wanted to cry. I think maybe I’ve been underexposing myself lately in hopes of keeping everything smooth. In hindsight turning off the sub just as it gets to the more challenging parts of the scripting for me is not the optimal strategy. That’s like practicing the thing you’re already good at and don’t need to focus on anymore.

On the job front. My company decided they didn’t want to grant me full remote. I talked to my former boss and he said they always talked as if I’m gonna change my mind on things and not leave the company. They’re pretty much betting on me not leaving. Originally I was helping tighten things up as much as possible and if I were granted full remote that would have granted me the capacity to keep helping out before I exit. But I guess they didn’t see the value in that and now they’re forcing my hand. And quite honestly I’ve lost a lot of motivation to continue to help them out when they weren’t willing to grant me this one request after 7 years of responsibilities. So meh, this is my time now and my needs.

#366

Ran a 40s loop of AoHJ ( gonna be my abbreviation for Genesis Art of Happiness and Joy).

Lately I’ve been limited in my expression and I don’t get all philosophical in my journals anymore. But I’m just gonna say what’s on my mind. The world has felt cold and unfriendly to me lately and it mirrors my internal state. I feel frozen and numb. For the first time in my life I’m allowed to be myself without censoring or filtering, but even then I’ve been having trouble really letting go. I’m sad a lot of the time, I’m waiting to like who I see in the mirror and as I do that my life is still passing me by. It’s no different than what I was doing prior to starting my transition. How many times am I going to fall into this trap?

One thing I’m hoping to drive home moving forward. Just because I experience happiness and joy, doesn’t negate my very real emotional needs with regards to my gender dysphoria. Sometimes being allowed to feel upset and still do stuff for myself is more important that trying to do stuff to remove being upset. My life is complicated and for the most part I’ve been alone. It really hit me yesterday I don’t have any close friends near me. I have no social support except when I reach out. I also realized positivity was routinely used by my mom growing up to erase difficult emotions I was experiencing. So it makes sense why I hate positivity so much, but that’s just my skewed perspective of it I need to shift.

I think about things and where I’m at. I’m grateful

  • I had the courage to finally take steps to be who I am
  • That despite all the bullshit I’ve dealt with I still tried to be there for myself as much as possible
  • That I have easy access to HRT and I’m not denied something so essential for my well being
  • That I didn’t wait till the end of my life out of fear before making these changes
  • That I have supportive people in my life that accept me for who I am.
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#367

Fenrir and manipulus are helping me out right now. I’m documenting work evidence in case they want to let me go.

It really takes a lot to get me to the point where I lose my trust in you.

So I was open honest and transparent with my job. Every step of the way saying when I was looking, giving status updates, I did everything to make them feel like I wasn’t just going to bail at the last second. And you know what? They treated me like that anyway. All of this was fueled by my gender dysphoria, I couldn’t keep interacting with the people that knew me as a guy or a location that constantly reminded me of the worst days of my life.

So the plan was a smooth transfer. So I could make sure I had health insurance to continue treatment, a stable income, and a place to live. They dropped a bomb on all that.

And I’m sat here thinking am I the unreasonable one? When I said multiple times I don’t have a firm deadline and my life is difficult right now. Yet they pushed a date on me or continue to pressure me to provide one. Stating I resigned and can’t stay on longer. That it’s “unfair to the company” please. This is guilt tripping bullshit

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#368

Stand your ground and respectfully fuck them.

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#369

I filled out an intake form for an attorney. I’m hoping they get back to me before Friday which is when I was pressured into talking again. And I’m hoping they can provide more insight in what I’m battling with.

I won’t be a victim. I won’t roll over and be a people pleaser and be afraid of looking like a bad person because I want legal aid on my side. I will do everything in my power to support me because they sure as hell abandoned that idea fast. I’m sorry it came to this but I wasn’t the one that brought it on. Actions have consequences, employers need to realize it goes both ways. Just because you have the advantageous power dynamic most of the time doesn’t mean you’re untouchable.

#370

I cooled off a bit. I was pretty angry at PEOPLE specifically. But then I realized they are part of a toxic environment they’re stuck in and I’m getting out. How they are acting to me is not personal but a result of the terrible influence they’re manipulated by. I told them today I won’t be agreeing to anything until I speak with an attorney. I kept it professional and I’m harboring no ill will or retaliatory anger towards anyone I come across in the company. I want what’s best for me and I’m going to make sure I can insure that happens because I’m important, not them.

#371

The company is an abstract concept that doesn’t have sentience, consciousness, or self-awareness. It can’t have a concept of fairness.

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#372

I was wondering:

what if you put all your journal entries for this year into an ai chat program to get a summary. I don’t expect it to parcel out solutions, but perhaps with a summary you could get some insights or different perspectives.

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#373

Funny you say this. I was trying that. But I ended up going down a rabbit hole of which AI model has the best contextual understanding and is worth spending the money on. I never got my answer lol. I’ll have to revisit it, it’s definitely something I’m interested in pursuing.

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#374

I would think it would just be a matter of copy-paste journal entries into a word doc. Then perhaps clean it up a bit by removing graphics, etc. Then copy-paste into an ai chat after telling it to summarize the text you enter next.

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#375

It might be too much text all in one go. I didn’t actually get a word count for my journal but I’ll have to check that out. I know Claude has a huge context window for tokens.

I actually export the data from this forum with their built in function on here ,you can get a database of all your journals in a csv so just the data with no need for manual copy and paste. It’s pretty cool.

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#376

I’ve seen word limit policies on those ai chats. I’ve also seen it’s possible to ignore those word limits and still get good results.

Perhaps:

“Hi, robo-chatbot! I have to summarize text that is more than 10,000 words. How can you do that?”

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#377

I’m always suspicious of them hallucinating or making things up lol. They like to do that.

#378

Since it’s your journal, wouldn’t it be obvious to you if anything in the summary was a hallucination?

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#379

Very true. I guess for a general summary it would be pretty safe.

#380

I’m learning a lot of lessons from this situation at my job recently.

One of the big ones. When someone else messes up or does something that hurts me I have a tendency to look at myself and say “what did I do wrong”? In the moment, not the best strategy. After the fact for some honest self reflection? I think it’s ok.

Who’s right or wrong in the situation doesn’t matter if my well being is being interfered with. Right now the situation is being flipped and I’m pointed at like I did something wrong when I clearly didn’t. I didn’t make this mess, they did. And now they want to pin it on me. This has the energy of a parent waving their finger at a kid and saying “bad, you did bad”. And of course I never want to be a bad person and I need to get over that because some people are gonna think what they’ll think and nothing I do can stop them.

I’m playing this like a game now. I have nothing to lose by standing my ground and it’s gonna be a fun exercises in dealing with nonsense.

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