Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#321

Working on voice training more lately. My voice has started making me feel sick at this point when I hear it and messes with my ability to interact in the world.

I reached out to someone to get some tips and sent them a recording. They were honest and I needed it. Feeling like crap though because I thought it was at least a little better than it actually was.

I know deep down I’m hanging onto the old voice out of approval. Despite wanting to be seen as a woman, I’m also incredibly self conscious doing anything that brings me closer to that. And it’s just the biggest paradox for me. Maybe it’s fear of unknown or change, idk. But it’s been crippling lately still feeling that anxiety around being my authentic self.

#322

Rotating out seductress for Sanguine for a bit. I really wanted to keep going with it but I think I need to step out of survival mode for a bit and calm myself before I can appreciate the growth on that one. I want it to be associated with good times and positive self growth, not combating anxiety.

It does sadden me that I have to step away from a sub just to get my life under control more. But I’ve realized my own worst enemy is the stories I tell myself and people’s opinions of me. I’ve been really pushing to improve my life and still hitting a wall of fear at times. I hate slowing down or stepping back, I hate feeling like I’m wasting any more time trying to grow into the person I want to be. But I have to consider myself. I know this all circles back around to me putting unnecessary demands on myself and expecting me to be somewhere else in my life at this point.

I really realized this yesterday after running Seductress. Seductress is pushing me to express myself in the ways I’m most aligned with, but simultaneously I have a deep fear of others seeing that. As evidence by my experience feeling terrible over my voice but at the same time being reluctant to change it. It’s stuff like that, where i can sense the energy and drive to do something hitting up against a wall that makes me feel bad I can’t push past it.

It’s been going on for a few weeks now and its only gotten harder. I know for a fact one of my barriers is the fact that I’m terrified of being perceived as a guy trying to be a woman vs a woman. But transitioning is awkward as hell and clumsy and it’s not something I can avoid. So I have to deal with that with Sanguine in order to sort of unlock the door to actually taking action on the things that will bring me further into myself.

#323

Ran Sanguine this morning for 1:30. Buzzing in my head has quieted down. Anxiety about work performance is lowering. Wasn’t even realizing how stressed I was about that. Having this attitude of what comes in front of me today I will handle but I won’t concern myself with future nonsense.

Specifically, I haven’t had a good time being a manager. I hate it. I’m not good at it and yet I feel like I need to plan for the future and get better. Underneath all that is feeling like a failure because this job hits all my weak points. Organization, office politics, and leading when I don’t care about leading. It’s sucked. I’ve had to contort myself into somebody else just to do a good enough job and none of this is capitalizing on my strengths. Every day I feel like I’m coming up short for something I don’t even care about.

I know my weaknesses. It annoys me when people tell me it’s an opportunity for growth. It’s not. I’m sick of growth as a catch all for leading a fulfilling life and being shoved into roles. If I want to work on my weaknesses it’s gonna be for me and what I want not to just fit into something better that’s been imposed on me.

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#324

Changed my mind, it might slow down everything a bit but I really don’t want to drop Seductress. So I’ll be switching to a three title stack

Seductress
HOT Custom
Sanguine

Sanguine+ HOT custom one day and Seductress alone the other

I’m hoping that even though it’s more input, the addition of Sanguine will make both titles easier to run for me and the spacing will give me more time to integrate.

I need to stop thinking about subs in terms of quantity and more about quality. If I’m getting more consistent exposure but I’m hitting a lot of walls that’s inherently worse than lower exposure but higher integration.

#325

Looks like I started this journal running Sanguine, so looping back around to it is probably the right call.

It’s a strange sub for me. The intended effect of being more emotionally calm and steady is usually the exact opposite of what happens at first. One thing I have realized is I’ve mistaken dissociation with emotional calm or mastery of emotion in the past. It’s a long standing habit i have to break. Sanguine makes me so present in my body and feels like I need to acknowledge things to make it out the other side into peace.

I just feel the hurt in my body and how I always run from it. And when I acknowledge it and feel it, it can be confusing because I spent years telling myself it wasn’t real.

Other thing I’m noticing is how deep tension goes while simultaneously being incredibly subtle. The best way I could describe it is that sensation you get internally if you’re about to get hit. It’s not a full on lock up of the body, but it’s very internal and deceptive because your more obvious exterior muscles like your shoulders can appear relaxed. But that deeper internal tension has always been with me. Part of that is the diaphragm tightening up, which restricts breathing, which makes anxiety worse.

I have a feeling Sanguine is going to take me much deeper into mindfulness of my own body, but with that comes challenges because I’ve tuned out aspects of it.

#326

1:30 right off the bat for Sanguine was a mistake. The recon on this or what I’m facing is intense. I forgot how brutal this title gets for me at times.

I think I’m just going to start being more variable with my loops day to day. I was running Seductress for 1:30 but due to other life circumstances and sanguine I felt 46 secs was more reasonable for today. The all or nothing of either forcing myself to listen to a set amount or just not listen that day at all seems too rigid. If I stick to a rigid amount I end up in recon eventually because it definitely varies. However, if I don’t keep momentum going and get at least some exposure I start slipping back into hurtful habits. Finding the sweet spot doesn’t seem to be as static for me. I definitely have to change how I approach this though, I’ve been causing myself a lot of stress and difficulty lately trying to achieve things I’m not prepared for mentally out of frustration of being stuck.

I get stuck in a pattern of working my way up in exposure, thinking I’ve advanced somehow, feeling pressure to keep that exposure amount otherwise I failed in some way, then burning myself out with recon because I didn’t recalibrate based on my needs vs some arbitrary loop length exposure I tried to hit.

I think especially with HOT and Seductress with the physical shifting I’m worried I’m missing out on other parts of the script that will get me to my goals and I’m frustrated at myself for not being able to integrate those.

#327

Yeah. Lower loops for sure. I’m struggling with a lot right now.

Going to just vent.

I have been fighting really hard to get the body I want. All the negativity and worries have been eating away at me. I see a goal I want to reach and I’ve put my head down to bulldoze through as I often do in Taurus fashion. But I’ve missed the nuances.

If I can’t hit that vision I don’t want to feel like a failure. At the same time I don’t want to settle. I feel like if I make peace with the possibility of not getting what I want that sends a message to my subconscious to stop trying and accept less than. But it’s been stressful trying to constantly hold the intent of the end result day after day. And even worse feeling like I can somehow fail that and never get to where I want to be.

I don’t like the idea of making peace with something like this if I’m discontent. I’m really struggling. People say to just love myself and I do, that’s why I’m doing this for myself. It doesn’t offset the physical discomfort though or when I look in the mirror and feel wrong. If my dysphoria could be alleviated by being kinder to myself or practicing self love, I wouldn’t be going through this painful process. Self love is a helpful tool but it’s not the answer and it upsets me when people around me often think it is.

#328

Set the destination and stay the course. It’s gonna get bumpy and choppy. My mistake is constantly wrangling my thoughts and feelings and trying to get them to behave in such a rigid way it’s doomed to fail.

I know part of this is breaking my almost OCD like ritual behavior. Where I’m like “no negative thinking, no doubts, otherwise it’ll all fall apart and I’ll never get what I want”. I blame my stint in new age when I was younger. When I had unknown trauma and I was trying to control every emotion and thought to make sure nothing bad happens. Magical thinking? I think the term is. It’s a holdover from childhood and thinking if I conducted myself in a certain way it translated to a better environment. Maybe toxic positivity or emotional neglect that occured.

In any case I’m glad I added sanguine. I’ll just leave it at this, this is the hardest time I’ve been through in my life emotionally and physically. And the timing of it hasn’t been ideal for me.

#329

Taking a 5 day break. I was thinking about my listening habits for the subs.

I am so terrified of screwing up my life, sliding backwards, getting stuck, I just push too far. As if just constantly hammering my mind with these subs will prevent things. After reading an article about toxic positivity OCD I realized these subs are like a checking ritual for me. If I don’t keep up with everything something bad might happen. And that’s what screws me and leads me to overdoing it.

I am afraid of trusting myself. I don’t acknowledge my achievements. I don’t acknowledge my internal power. At my therapy session yesterday my therapist asked me how do you think you were able to make all these changes? And I said its a mystery, I did it somehow but I don’t know how and it just feels like I got lucky.

I’m questioning a lot of things. But moreso realizing I’ve been attributing my growth to the subs only. As if I couldn’t do any of this without them and I’d be screwed otherwise. I don’t like that, I need to start internalizing where this growth truly comes from .

#330

Moving forward going to reframe my perception of loop amount. I will get worse results if I force more of the script I’m not prepared for. I will literally get less results doing more and slower change due to putting myself in unnecessary recon. This has been said multiple times on the forum, I just need to internalize it better. Yes that includes physical shifting, if I stress myself out that’s going to slow down shifting.

That being said I bought a bunch of new skincare stuff the other day after catching a 50% off sale. I followed my intuition on it. What I’ve noticed is it’s not always 100%. Sometimes those intuitive nudges don’t get me exactly what I need, but it’s a much needed trial and error thing to hone in on the perfect thing for me. That’s been an important lesson for me to learn. Trying to get things perfect right away isn’t realistic and it’s ok to spend money and not get the ideal results, is what it is.

I just need more freedom really. I feel bad buying new clothing for myself. But when I dress and feel good it just makes my life better. Maybe it’s financial beliefs, maybe it’s the privilege of being able to spend money on stuff like that when others can’t, maybe it’s where all of it is sourced from. I worked really hard to get where I am and I’m not super accomplished to most people looking in from the outside. But I did work hard. Still the world is lopsided. I could be doing a lot worse and it does upset me that inequality like that exists when we’re all human. And I can’t do a damn thing about it

#331

Huh so this is the infamous bloom.

Several things happened for me. One I stumbled upon some seriously game changing stuff in terms of fixing my postural issues and enhancing symmetry.

It’s a small thing but I’m learning more about my hair and how to take care of it. I’ve got curly/wavy hair and I have been battling with it for months now. Might have figured out where I was going wrong.

Overall I’m feeling more bold. Like I am really anxious still about the future. But I know dwelling on things will just take away energy to improve my own life. So I focus on what I can change and how to set myself up for success. Right now that involves moving to another state.

Speaking of. Family members I was talking to today know someone in the state I’m moving to who might be able to hook me up with a new job.

My therapist might be getting certified in the state I’m moving to as well and I can keep her. Totally a coincidence.

It’s weird how things are just lining up. Like coincidence and timing that enables me to achieve my goals. But I’m not seeking them out, it’s like the world is shifting around me and I’m stationary. I have an end goal in mind and the world shifts to accommodate that. There’s a power here I’m tapping into and it’s a little uncomfortable because I feel like I’m influencing other people to aid me in some way. Its been shaking up my concept of reality a lot.

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#332

Went to a memorial tonight for trans day of remembrance. It really made me realize I am part of a marginalized group and I could be murdered at any point just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was in denial of that, but it’s a fact of my reality now I have to deal with.

I’m doing my best to find a welcoming place. Where I live now isn’t terrible, but it’s not maximizing my quality of life.

I’m dealing with a lot right now.

#333

Worked on some stuff in therapy today. Back to 30s loops for now.

I’m acknowledging my fears but not letting them rule my life.

I’m really hit with a sense of unreality lately. Thing don’t feel real, my life doesn’t feel real. But I know this is just a protective dissociation I have to work through as well.

I have money, I have a roof over my head, things aren’t great but at least I have some controlled safety for myself. Trying to nurture this sense of safety despite everything going on right now, that’s the goal.

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#334

Dropping Sanguine. Rebuilding my custom. Reconsidering the heavily focused physical shifting angle and looking to setup some support modules to facilitate it better. This is the second time I’ve run into this with Sanguine, but it’s a paradoxical sub for me and I already know relaxation is an anxiety trigger for me. Direct relaxation is a no no for me. I just don’t feel good on Sanguine. On paper it should be perfect for me, but I don’t know it just feels too heavy and demands too much from me.

Also working on really finding comfort in going at my own pace and looking after myself. No more productivity modules that put me in a tailspin.

I’m really frustrated and upset lately because I keep thinking I have to be more productive or striving for something. It didn’t click until I realized it was the Synergy: Carpe Vitam module in my custom.

Seize life with the Carpe Vitam module – a masterful blend of three modules all focused on creating an intense level of ambition within your being

Not for me right now. Maybe in the future. But I’m tired of engaging in this battle of my mind of pushing and pushing to move forward at the expense of my own mental health. I think these success oriented modules screw with me a bit and don’t have the intended effect I want.

When I give myself space to do nothing, I naturally emerge and do things of my own free will. When I have something being very insistent and in my face, I do the opposite. I tried to overcome this, but I’ve been bottlenecking my results by constantly putting myself in this stalemate with my own mind. So I’m trying something different now.

#335

I’ve lost meaning to life because I’m not living my life.

Deep existentialism needs to be slapped away by just living life. I have to remember this. The temptation to go deep into thought will only make me feel worse, it’s like a dog chasing its tail. The answers aren’t there in my mind.

Why am I not living my life? Several points

  • I’m afraid. That’s it, just afraid all the time. Even more afraid nowadays just trying to be my authentic self in a body that doesn’t match

  • I don’t value myself or my achievements. I’d go so far as to say I doubt every aspect of myself than can be tied to something positive.

  • I’m tired and burned out. I spend more time recovering than living. I can’t seem to catch up enough to just get some breathing room no matter what I do.

  • Something feels fundamentally wrong with the world in my eyes. Like we’re on a sinking ship and everyone’s doing their best to enjoy their meal in the dining hall. But I can’t ignore the fact that it’s going under. So I miss out on the steak dinner which seems to be what life is about and everyone else is enjoying.

  • My complete inability to separate cynicism vs awareness and the ensuing mental anguish that comes with that.

I want to be wrong. I want to have experiences that have me look back on this mentality and realize how absurd it was to think. But it’s been almost 7 years and I haven’t seen it. I just feel like I get picked up and thrown into another maze to navigate, but I never have the peace of escaping it entirely.

#336

What if tomorrow you suddenly realized you had inner peace?

#337

I’d question why and if it was legitimate. It would also scare me because I don’t know what that looks like and I’d be afraid I’m deluding myself.

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#338

What if tomorrow you had 5% more inner peace than you do now?

#339

I’d be grateful for it, but also remain skeptical if it would actually be permanent.

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#340

Is any emotion permanent?