Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#270

Counterbalance some doom and gloom right now with a breakdown of my custom modules and how they’ve been showing up in my life.

Symmetry: Helen of Troy Core
New Physical Shifting Experience Core
Synergy: Carpe Vitam
Synergy: Harmonic Conflux
Synergy: Subconscious Mastery
Safety Net
Untouchable
New Dawn
Epigenetics & DNA Modulator
Homeostasis
Unlimiter
Mosaic

Symmetry: Helen of Troy Core: I’m gonna be honest. The changes are slow and hard to catch for the physical. But the biggest change for me so far is the shift from focusing on my flaws to valuing the features I like. And I think this is really important because I have no doubt I go down BDD spirals and pick apart every little thing and distort my self image. There’s a lot in here that I know is helping find the right path towards expressing myself. Hair, makeup, nails, all that which is an incredibly difficult thing to navigate with 0 experience about any of it. So I’m pretty happy, sometimes I stumble upon things by pure chance and it’s exactly what I need.

New Physical Shifting Experience Core: This one I put in my custom to really set the focus on physical shifting and it’s been working well. The intent was to run unrelated physical shifting modules through it to basically align them with a common goal vs being more open ended. I would say what I notice most with this is the more tailored feel towards my goals I’m setting out for. Hard to explain, but having run the NLE core before I find they’re really good when you could hit potential roadblocks and need to find an alternative route to get you where you want to go vs plowing through a wall and getting more upset. If I had to give an analogy. Standing in front of a huge ocean wave (mental block or obstacle) you can think you’re gonna waltz right through that wave but you’re gonna get crushed. Diving under it to get to the other side, that’s how I see the NSE modules. Smarter not harder. Same destination, different means to get there. Now the fun part is when ego might get in the way like saying “well I should be able to eat that wave and be fine”. All well and good but you’ll just end up getting knocked over by waves all day vs actually getting to where you want to be. This is an important lesson I’m learning in my own life, I’m a chronic wave eater.

Synergy: Carpe Vitam: This one at times fills me with jittery energy like I can’t just sit around. It’s been really helpful. As someone that has a natural inclination to escape and avoid, I feel like this one just keeps me on the right path. I don’t have to dedicate as much focus to pulling myself out of holes because I’m less likely to get sucked into those doom spirals. It’s been really important to keep moving me towards what I want.

Synergy: Harmonic Conflux: This one has been doing really great things to sidestep stress. It’s helped me put into perspective what’s more important in my own life and minimize stress so I have more energy to enrich my own life. The Harmonic Singularity effect is interesting too. I definitely notice my body releasing and relaxing, some emotional release that comes along with that. Most noticeable with my stomach releasing tension.

Synergy: Subconscious Mastery: This one has been a huge influence. I’ve been uncovering repressed memories and emotions, getting deeper insights into things I wasn’t aware of as well. All the things that were profoundly effecting me on a deeper level but I couldn’t consciously see. It’s also helped me start validating my own emotions more and my experiences in life.

Safety Net: In general I’ve noticed I’m just guided to the right people. Those I don’t have to worry about, who will support me, and are good people. I’ve had situations where close friends and family would say they were there for me if I ever fell on hard times and to not worry about being safe. I’m still internalizing this, I did everything alone for so many years. I lived my life on the constant assumption that it could all fall apart at any second and I needed to be able to survive on my own without help. But I’m seeing how much of a weakness that really is, not a strength. It’s a strength to be able to accept help from others and have support in your life.

Untouchable: Being transgender, this one has helped a lot. I honestly can’t put into words how difficult everything has been for me. Even I have trouble conceptualizing it. But this module helps me put it all aside and keep moving forward towards a better life for myself.

New Dawn: It’s been helping me let go of my old life and build something new. A big reset that I need. I’ve had experience with this module before and it always helps break that “nothing is ever going to change, this is how life will always be” spiral I got consumed in at times.

Epigenetics & DNA Modulator : This one has been interesting. I find myself questioning my own long term behaviors what’s “me” vs a result of things like generational trauma. There’s a lot of difficulties surrounding my authentic self expression. I had a lot of anxiety throughout my life trying to keep another part of myself locked away and unexposed to the world.

Homeostasis: Super straight forward. Seriously helped me reign in my bad sub listening habits and start finding a consistency that was right for me. Also helped me tune into my own personal feedback mechanism of when to back off with subs vs keep pushing a bit.

Unlimiter Lots of recon from this one, but really useful. I find myself challenging comfort zone ideas and thinking more broad. Staying away from accepting less or more negative aspects to offset potential disappointment. There’s certain comfort in thinking I know what’s possible or not, but the truth is I don’t. And sometimes when I challenge that it shows I was using it as a scapegoat to hide away from challenging my own beliefs.

Mosaic When I was running Genesis I found a lot of the focus was honed in on my physical shifting. Now that I’m running Seductress I expect it to link up really well. Mostly included this because I’ve found it does help sort of unify everything I’m running.

#271

I’ve had to start reassessing my career path. Right now what I have is giving me money and safety, but I can’t do this. I never want to manage again and I don’t have to. I also don’t even know if I want to be in the tech world anymore. Knowing what i know now I think I fell into this career path because it’s so faceless and I could get lost in puzzles and stuff which would distract me from my gender dysphoria.

It just feels so forced now. Like why am I doing this? Why is this my focus? Maybe there’s another route within it I’m not seeing I can explore. But I’m lost right now and it’s scary because this is the only skill I really have and I really need money at this point in my life. But I’m exhausted with keeping up with this neverending anxiety of not keeping up skill wise, not being on the cutting edge of tech, not being able to compete with people that seriously enjoy this stuff and have me beat in that department by sheer inspiration to learn alone, and also the constant potential for mistreatment and being undervalued.

So yeah screw this. Screw what’s been decreasing my quality of life. I need to figure something out

#272

What do you plan for your listening schedule this coming week?

#273

Pretty much same that I’ve been doing, every other day just slowly increasing exposure till I find a good spot.

1:30 for my Custom
1:00 for Seductress

#274

Given your thoughts about a possible career change, what do you think about Genesis?

#275

I’m following Saint’s recommendation he gave me recently.

Truthfully I don’t know about Genesis right now. I don’t know if it’s focused enough in what I need. After running Seductress for a bit I’ve noticed the focus landing firmly on me, not the outside world and what it can use me for or my value in the eyes of others. I have really come to realize that I’ve spent so many years not just being able to be myself, I don’t think I can care about much of anything else with regards to career or life purpose. There’s really no point in interacting with the world if I can’t do it as myself, so all those goals seem secondary to me right now. And if I’m honest I’m resentful of the fact that in the eyes of some people I’m nothing more than human cattle to milk labor out of. So I’d rather build up my confidence enough to the point where I can tell them to go kick rocks.

I have both Safety Net and Synergy: Carpe Vitam which contains Unrelenting Wealth Motivation & Energy. In theory those modules should serve as enough support modules to keep my focus firmly on what I want out of my gender transition while providing the appropriate resources to facilitate that.

All in theory. I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m trying something.

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#276

So much societal conditioning is straight trash. And I’m always thinking I’m beyond it when I’m not. It’s a subtle coercive anxiety that sits beneath the surface and blurs my own feelings and perspective on things. I guess if I’m more irritated by it lately it means I’m more aware of it vs dissociating.

I’m attempting to give up caffeine again , drink more water, stop eating gluten (long time intolerance to it). I’ve been turning to caffeine to dissociate again. It gives me this jolt to get through my day at the expense of my health and my health is more important than productivity at a job.

#277

A bunch of people in a conference room couldn’t connect a Jabra speaker to their laptop. One of my techs was late, the other out in the warehouse. Owner was there, cue panic among everyone. For a very brief moment I was thrown back to my childhood and that same sense of fear not because of what anyone said to me but what was implied in everyone’s actions. More specifically you’re gonna be in trouble and he’s not gonna like this if it doesn’t go his way. And everyone feeds into this, I can’t stand it. I can’t be part of an environment where THAT is considered appropriate behavior.

I haven’t overcome my traumas. And I’m starting to think I’m kneecapping my own self improvement by being in a triggering environment and expecting myself to adapt to it in some way.

I know it’s not just me and my biases. After my tech helped out he stopped in my office to vent a bit at how everyone upstairs collectively lost their shit.

Every day I lose my patience more and more. I hate constantly doubting myself. What if I’m the unreasonable one? What if I’m just too sensitive? Bleh. I think the environment has to change not me. But this company sure does pressure me to confirm to their toxic workplace habits.

#278

Spoke with my boss yesterday. He’s on his way out the door soon. Confirmed with me this company crushes moral in people. So at least I’m not imagining it.

My team has been slacking off lately. I try to be supportive and find out why, work out solutions,etc. But it’s not going anywhere.

It might be just coincidence but I’ve noticed since starting my transition I don’t get the same level of effort out of people when delegating tasks.

So really I need to start valuing myself. I have given them every opportunity to grow, ask me questions, find their niche, etc. At this point they don’t even acknowledge how their actions makes my life more difficult, they just assume they can do what they want and I’m the shield that guards against fallout. And that’s not fair to me. I thought I was failing them in some way but I realized yet again in my life I’m taken advantage of because of my empathetic nature. And this is why management isn’t for me. It seems like you either have to have a fantastic team that supports you or lead by fear and always have the consequences in their heads which I don’t like as motivation.

Been a shitty week so far.

#279

In a moment of frustration and recon I listened to my subs for 3 min. It was not the right move. Sometimes I get tired of my own shit and make these borderline self abusive decisions. What I learned. More recon, less growth, and whatever benefits I did get were probably only confined to that first min or so. So no I’m not pushing beyond limits or anything like that by listening more just getting the same results with an added extra side of unnecessary recon. Lesson learned, again.

Aside from that, I’ve noticed a shift in my thinking. It’s small but important. I’m starting to dare to be hopeful with regards to my physical changes. Like focusing on it and ignoring what others say. Cuz really I’m afraid, I’m afraid that after all my efforts and hope that it won’t be enough. But I have to at least try even if the perceived failure exists.

#280
#281

I think my backlog caught up to me when I ran those 3 min loops a week ago. Feeling very very sad right now.

But this is me, this is the actual connection to my body I haven’t had for years. I’m tuning into a body that doesn’t feel right for me. That’s a really really hard thing to process on an emotional level for me. Logically it’s like yes it needs to change with subs and the medical intervention. But what are the actual feelings underneath of being stuck in it with nowhere to go for years and how did your mind cope with that? I look back on my life now and I’m like yeah of course you were so numbed out to everything and the world.

One day I know I won’t feel the need to detach. But right now it’s about honoring and trusting my feelings. I have a tendency to downplay my emotional struggles. But I need to be more aware of them if I want to move forward. Changing the physical alone is half the battle.

On a positive note I sat down to write some music the other day. Turned into a weird Detroit techno type beat. Didn’t go anywhere but I’m just playing around. I intend to finish it but I’m just gonna lighten my expectations and whatever I create I create. On to the next exploration and growth as an artist. Not getting too hung up on a singular almost microscopic expression in the vast sea of creative potential.

#282

Hello, I was going through the Phoenix thread and found this review you wrote some months ago, I thought it could be nice to remind you of this positively filled review, have a nice day!

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#283

I appreciate it! I’ve been meaning to go through this journal from the top again. I had A LOT of growth im undervaluing.

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#284

You know sometimes with my mind, I feel like manifestations happen to push me along. Example was today.

A piece of hardware failed in our server room. We had no idea what happened. My first tech on the scene was dealing with the wrath of our HR person because our door security system was offline and couldn’t open her door. So in between that he was trying to troubleshoot the issue. Then I came in and helped him out.

All in all we went from full network outage to back online in 2 hrs. Which is actually good recovery time for an unknown event.

But I heard the president of the company was pissed it took 2 hrs to resolve. And that was it. That was the last straw for me. I’m tired of being disrespected and only treated with respect when things are going well. I was ready to move on from this company, but this solidified it for me. I’m not gonna be in an environment where I’m just a punching bag. I’m not gonna be part of this toxic culture and people making ME feel wrong that I’m upset with how I’m treated.

You want to know why the hardware failed? Because they were cheap when it was first built out and instead of using a power distributor unit designed for networks, it was one used for pro audio equipment. They dragged their assess on supplying money for a much needed infrastructure update and surprise, something happened. And then because in general we don’t have enough staff in our department nobody has the time to do routine checks and diagnostics to make sure equipment is good.

I’m a high value woman and I don’t deserve to be treated like trash. That’s how i felt today. I told myself I’m too good for this company, they don’t deserve me. My boss also told me he overheard other parts of the business saying I wouldn’t leave hahahaha. Oh how wrong you are. The longer I’ve been at this company, the less value they see in me and the more they think they can throw me the bare minimum for money because they think I won’t go anywhere else. Wow. All I gotta say.

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#285

I love Seductress. This is the most organic feeling confidence I’ve felt in my whole life. I’m still battling with stuff, but I feel like I’m getting to that point where I can start not only walking around without shame but also hold myself with confidence. My posture has improved, I noticed I slouch and try to curl up to not be seen when I’m insecure. But that actually just makes me more noticeable. So I was like, yeah why not just be bold instead?

One thing I talked to my therapist about recently. I’ve always hated attention or focus on me. I just wanted to never stand out. But being trans I don’t have a choice. Everything I never wanted to happen in my life is exactly what got turned inside out and I had to face it. And now I’m at the point of well we’re here anyway, why not go all the way and be attention grabbing in the best way possible?

My makeup skills are getting better. I’ve been pretty low key about it. But after listening to seductress last night I just felt like looking good today and I did a little extra with my makeup. There’s a mental block there for sure. I don’t want other women in the office to think I’m just trying to be stereotypically feminine. That’s one of the reasons I need to get the fuck out of here. Everyone I interact with knew me as a guy and now I feel like there’s a comparison between that and who I am now. I hate it. I thought I could stick it out for now while my life is up in the air but it’s been contributing to a low quality of life for me. So it’s getting purged.

As important as the physical changes are for me. The way I hold myself, my confidence, my own self perception of my beauty is so so important. I’m improving so much and I’m so happy that it’s not contingent on purely the physical like I had feared. I was telling myself I needed to look a certain way before I felt good about myself and that’s so backwards. I was listening to the hateful criticisms of the bigots of the world vs giving myself self care and love.

Over the years my life has felt empty and pointless. It’s overwhelming sometimes and a little scary thinking about what my life could be and the only thing holding me back from that is myself. And it’s scary because I have to trust myself enough to know I can do this. When all past experience has shown me I struggled, I avoided, I repressed, I hid. I have to learn to trust in my own personal power and capabilities without having a sort of foundation built already.

I’m growing into me and it’s scary because I don’t know who she is. But I’m just letting myself express the truest parts of myself without trying to control.

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#286

I’m finding myself digging into very troubling stuff. I don’t want to get into it. But I will say this. The most manipulative thing people can do is make you believe you have less power than you actually do. That’s a huge goal of mine right now, personal power. And I guess that’s part of Ascension for Women in seductress.

This life I live still doesn’t feel like my own, yet. It was put together from the beliefs of others, the pressure of others, and lack of individuation of my own self.

My heart really goes out to those who had incredibly rough childhoods and were victims of severe abuse. Experiencing sides to humans some of us never see.

The duality of good and evil is an easy concept to latch onto, but it throws out the nuance of what it is to be a human being and the things that shape you. I think that’s why people like conspiracy theories about “elites”. It’s easier to conceptualize someone as pure evil because it drives a wedge between you and them and removes that aspect of the fact that they are the same as you fundamentally to their core as a fellow human being. The “I would never do things like that” argument. But isn’t it more scary to think that if you experienced the circumstances, you had a similar genetic makeup, that you could unwittingly engage in the same terrible things? Where you were born, when you were born, who was in your life from a young age, all things you can’t control yet shape your life. The wheels of motion for how your life unfolds starts before you even get a say in it.

Similarly there are those that believe in the opposite. Some intervention from good, some uprising, some precipice of change. But nobody will come to save you. We all just live in a soup of mixed convoluted emotions and experiences and try to make sense of it.

Weird self reflections lately based on a physical shifting stack if I’m honest. But like I’m getting to a point where “focus on your own life and enjoy it” isn’t cutting it for me. I feel like I’m being herded into predefined bounds of existence vs true freedom. I’m the product, the thing to be manipulated and exploited and everyone wants my attention. I hate this feeling. I feel like I need to cut these influences before I can truly understand what life is for me and what I want out of it. And at the same time I can’t tell if this is how others experience things or it’s because I didn’t have the proper development and now I’m vulnerable to it.

#287

Well that was the precursor to some stuff…

Yesterday I was laying on my back doing a butterfly pose. Eventually my legs started shaking and my hips too. I was familiar with that from my time with TRE.

I had fragmented pieces of childhood memories coming up along with a really unsafe sick feeling. I wasn’t ready for that. I had to calm myself down and basically act like a parent telling myself I was safe, it’s ok, we’re here in the present not stuck there.

I don’t know what it is. But I put a lid on it until I can see my therapist this week. I don’t trust my memories. I’m always afraid I’m making up fantasies to explain the distress. But that can also cause me to repress things and insist stuff never happened or wasn’t real.

I definitely had an episode yesterday. I was sitting on my bed curled up in a ball hugging a stuffed animal. I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone with these feelings, I was scared, alone, unprotected. I have never had that happen, it was like I completely regressed to a child self. Despite that happening and being beyond my control I still feel like it wasn’t real feelings.

I have the synergy module for physical release of tension and the other that has information releaser. They seemed to work together well. But I’m not equipped to deal with this on my own. Whatever that was I wasn’t ready to face it.

#288

I’m very happy for you, it sounds like you are about to and have already started releasing some seriously deep and painful stuff from your root, I’m myself working on this actively and it’s not easy but once the release happens it’s just more beautiful nourishing energy available for well being and sense of self, more pieces of the puzzle.

Good luck with it, and one advice I can offer is don’t get caught up in your mind stories, it’s all bullshit, trust what you feel more than what you think, thoughts comes from your feelings either way, but the mine complicates everything trying to understand nothing.

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#289

Thank you :heart:

I remind myself I don’t HAVE to uncover the memories. Just process the feelings. And my therapist reminds me of that too. But sometimes processing the feelings makes the memories tag along and that can be really scary because I don’t have control of that. I’ve been trying to just validate everything with how I feel, independent of the mind like you said. But it’s difficult because my mind was my defense mechanism for years to shield me from this painful stuff.

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