Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#281

I think my backlog caught up to me when I ran those 3 min loops a week ago. Feeling very very sad right now.

But this is me, this is the actual connection to my body I haven’t had for years. I’m tuning into a body that doesn’t feel right for me. That’s a really really hard thing to process on an emotional level for me. Logically it’s like yes it needs to change with subs and the medical intervention. But what are the actual feelings underneath of being stuck in it with nowhere to go for years and how did your mind cope with that? I look back on my life now and I’m like yeah of course you were so numbed out to everything and the world.

One day I know I won’t feel the need to detach. But right now it’s about honoring and trusting my feelings. I have a tendency to downplay my emotional struggles. But I need to be more aware of them if I want to move forward. Changing the physical alone is half the battle.

On a positive note I sat down to write some music the other day. Turned into a weird Detroit techno type beat. Didn’t go anywhere but I’m just playing around. I intend to finish it but I’m just gonna lighten my expectations and whatever I create I create. On to the next exploration and growth as an artist. Not getting too hung up on a singular almost microscopic expression in the vast sea of creative potential.

#282

Hello, I was going through the Phoenix thread and found this review you wrote some months ago, I thought it could be nice to remind you of this positively filled review, have a nice day!

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#283

I appreciate it! I’ve been meaning to go through this journal from the top again. I had A LOT of growth im undervaluing.

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#284

You know sometimes with my mind, I feel like manifestations happen to push me along. Example was today.

A piece of hardware failed in our server room. We had no idea what happened. My first tech on the scene was dealing with the wrath of our HR person because our door security system was offline and couldn’t open her door. So in between that he was trying to troubleshoot the issue. Then I came in and helped him out.

All in all we went from full network outage to back online in 2 hrs. Which is actually good recovery time for an unknown event.

But I heard the president of the company was pissed it took 2 hrs to resolve. And that was it. That was the last straw for me. I’m tired of being disrespected and only treated with respect when things are going well. I was ready to move on from this company, but this solidified it for me. I’m not gonna be in an environment where I’m just a punching bag. I’m not gonna be part of this toxic culture and people making ME feel wrong that I’m upset with how I’m treated.

You want to know why the hardware failed? Because they were cheap when it was first built out and instead of using a power distributor unit designed for networks, it was one used for pro audio equipment. They dragged their assess on supplying money for a much needed infrastructure update and surprise, something happened. And then because in general we don’t have enough staff in our department nobody has the time to do routine checks and diagnostics to make sure equipment is good.

I’m a high value woman and I don’t deserve to be treated like trash. That’s how i felt today. I told myself I’m too good for this company, they don’t deserve me. My boss also told me he overheard other parts of the business saying I wouldn’t leave hahahaha. Oh how wrong you are. The longer I’ve been at this company, the less value they see in me and the more they think they can throw me the bare minimum for money because they think I won’t go anywhere else. Wow. All I gotta say.

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#285

I love Seductress. This is the most organic feeling confidence I’ve felt in my whole life. I’m still battling with stuff, but I feel like I’m getting to that point where I can start not only walking around without shame but also hold myself with confidence. My posture has improved, I noticed I slouch and try to curl up to not be seen when I’m insecure. But that actually just makes me more noticeable. So I was like, yeah why not just be bold instead?

One thing I talked to my therapist about recently. I’ve always hated attention or focus on me. I just wanted to never stand out. But being trans I don’t have a choice. Everything I never wanted to happen in my life is exactly what got turned inside out and I had to face it. And now I’m at the point of well we’re here anyway, why not go all the way and be attention grabbing in the best way possible?

My makeup skills are getting better. I’ve been pretty low key about it. But after listening to seductress last night I just felt like looking good today and I did a little extra with my makeup. There’s a mental block there for sure. I don’t want other women in the office to think I’m just trying to be stereotypically feminine. That’s one of the reasons I need to get the fuck out of here. Everyone I interact with knew me as a guy and now I feel like there’s a comparison between that and who I am now. I hate it. I thought I could stick it out for now while my life is up in the air but it’s been contributing to a low quality of life for me. So it’s getting purged.

As important as the physical changes are for me. The way I hold myself, my confidence, my own self perception of my beauty is so so important. I’m improving so much and I’m so happy that it’s not contingent on purely the physical like I had feared. I was telling myself I needed to look a certain way before I felt good about myself and that’s so backwards. I was listening to the hateful criticisms of the bigots of the world vs giving myself self care and love.

Over the years my life has felt empty and pointless. It’s overwhelming sometimes and a little scary thinking about what my life could be and the only thing holding me back from that is myself. And it’s scary because I have to trust myself enough to know I can do this. When all past experience has shown me I struggled, I avoided, I repressed, I hid. I have to learn to trust in my own personal power and capabilities without having a sort of foundation built already.

I’m growing into me and it’s scary because I don’t know who she is. But I’m just letting myself express the truest parts of myself without trying to control.

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#286

I’m finding myself digging into very troubling stuff. I don’t want to get into it. But I will say this. The most manipulative thing people can do is make you believe you have less power than you actually do. That’s a huge goal of mine right now, personal power. And I guess that’s part of Ascension for Women in seductress.

This life I live still doesn’t feel like my own, yet. It was put together from the beliefs of others, the pressure of others, and lack of individuation of my own self.

My heart really goes out to those who had incredibly rough childhoods and were victims of severe abuse. Experiencing sides to humans some of us never see.

The duality of good and evil is an easy concept to latch onto, but it throws out the nuance of what it is to be a human being and the things that shape you. I think that’s why people like conspiracy theories about “elites”. It’s easier to conceptualize someone as pure evil because it drives a wedge between you and them and removes that aspect of the fact that they are the same as you fundamentally to their core as a fellow human being. The “I would never do things like that” argument. But isn’t it more scary to think that if you experienced the circumstances, you had a similar genetic makeup, that you could unwittingly engage in the same terrible things? Where you were born, when you were born, who was in your life from a young age, all things you can’t control yet shape your life. The wheels of motion for how your life unfolds starts before you even get a say in it.

Similarly there are those that believe in the opposite. Some intervention from good, some uprising, some precipice of change. But nobody will come to save you. We all just live in a soup of mixed convoluted emotions and experiences and try to make sense of it.

Weird self reflections lately based on a physical shifting stack if I’m honest. But like I’m getting to a point where “focus on your own life and enjoy it” isn’t cutting it for me. I feel like I’m being herded into predefined bounds of existence vs true freedom. I’m the product, the thing to be manipulated and exploited and everyone wants my attention. I hate this feeling. I feel like I need to cut these influences before I can truly understand what life is for me and what I want out of it. And at the same time I can’t tell if this is how others experience things or it’s because I didn’t have the proper development and now I’m vulnerable to it.

#287

Well that was the precursor to some stuff…

Yesterday I was laying on my back doing a butterfly pose. Eventually my legs started shaking and my hips too. I was familiar with that from my time with TRE.

I had fragmented pieces of childhood memories coming up along with a really unsafe sick feeling. I wasn’t ready for that. I had to calm myself down and basically act like a parent telling myself I was safe, it’s ok, we’re here in the present not stuck there.

I don’t know what it is. But I put a lid on it until I can see my therapist this week. I don’t trust my memories. I’m always afraid I’m making up fantasies to explain the distress. But that can also cause me to repress things and insist stuff never happened or wasn’t real.

I definitely had an episode yesterday. I was sitting on my bed curled up in a ball hugging a stuffed animal. I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone with these feelings, I was scared, alone, unprotected. I have never had that happen, it was like I completely regressed to a child self. Despite that happening and being beyond my control I still feel like it wasn’t real feelings.

I have the synergy module for physical release of tension and the other that has information releaser. They seemed to work together well. But I’m not equipped to deal with this on my own. Whatever that was I wasn’t ready to face it.

#288

I’m very happy for you, it sounds like you are about to and have already started releasing some seriously deep and painful stuff from your root, I’m myself working on this actively and it’s not easy but once the release happens it’s just more beautiful nourishing energy available for well being and sense of self, more pieces of the puzzle.

Good luck with it, and one advice I can offer is don’t get caught up in your mind stories, it’s all bullshit, trust what you feel more than what you think, thoughts comes from your feelings either way, but the mine complicates everything trying to understand nothing.

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#289

Thank you :heart:

I remind myself I don’t HAVE to uncover the memories. Just process the feelings. And my therapist reminds me of that too. But sometimes processing the feelings makes the memories tag along and that can be really scary because I don’t have control of that. I’ve been trying to just validate everything with how I feel, independent of the mind like you said. But it’s difficult because my mind was my defense mechanism for years to shield me from this painful stuff.

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#290

I finally FINALLY after years am committed to leaving this job. My resume needs work, I haven’t looked for anything yet, I’m terrified I’m not gonna make money anywhere else, and that I don’t have enough skills for anything else. But I’m stepping away, the intent is there and this horrible piece of my life is gonna be carved out to make space for something better. I don’t know when or how, but I trust it’s going to happen.

I got into an argument with my dad a week ago. I was trying to explain to him what at will employment was, what toxic work environments are, how you can’t just “not let it get to you”. Every time I had talked about stepping away from this company it’s “oh but the money is good, it’s like that everywhere, you won’t find anything better, at least you have a job, don’t make any drastic decisions”. When I explained how jobs don’t take care of you and can let you go for any reason, you don’t have the flexibility to stand up to bs. He used to be in a union and stood up to people, I was like cool that’s not the world I live in, I can’t “give it back to them” and also that’s toxic af anyway. He said “well that’s the world you created and live in because you chose to work under someone else”. I was just like wow, just wow. You’re really gonna be an abuser apologist right now? Someone mistreating me is my fault because I didn’t become an entrepreneur or be rich? That’s the bar we all have to pass for being treated well huh?

He survived toxicity at work by being toxic himself and getting pulled into it. And you know what? It had collateral damage. Violent outbursts and rage episodes when I was a child. He wasn’t even aware of how damaging that was, what was causing that behavior, how to stop it. He just bottled it all up and then unleashed it at home, where we all should have felt safe. Me and my brothers made mistakes because we were kids. We didn’t learn why the mistakes were a problem or how to correct them, we’d just get yelled at or had the fear put into us to never do it again. And the hardest part of living with someone like that, is that’s not all they are. I still love him but reconciling the two sides was close to impossible as a child.

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#291

Started processing the trauma with my therapist. Essentially what she said is it could be nothing and it could be something. But you just have to get through it. But she let me know I can stop at anytime and it has to work at my pace. She constantly reminded me it’s the past, it can hurt and feel overwhelming but it’s not here now.

I was shaking during the session and almost crying. Just totally involuntary. One very clear memory popped up that we’re working on next week. My fear is more memories will come up and make me dysfunctional and introduce more chaos into my life. That’s the fear. Whether or not that will happen I don’t know but I can’t let that stop me from facing these things.

Like I said before I was really shaken up. I’ve never had something from my past come up and be that adamant about dismissing all of it.

I told myself a while ago to stop digging and start living. It turns out I needed more digging. I’ve been running from things and feelings for so much of my life. I kept telling myself the reason unpleasant stuff was there was because I was making it up and looking for problems. Anytime it grew, became more apparent, or intensified I thought I was doing something wrong. When really I was growing and expanding, it just didn’t feel good. It really does feel worse before it gets better, that purging and how things enter conscious awareness more.

#292

I ran AC yesterday. I’ve been back on that sub lately. Got me thinking about physical shifting more.

I had such an epiphany. And both my custom and Seductress are really helping me accept my appearance more.

Facial traits are sooooo diverse. When I first started running HOT I wanted to just change everything and get rid of all the perceived masculine features. But then I started seeing women with a blend of characteristics and men too and honestly that’s what makes people so unique is their own personal blend of features. I still want to lean more towards feminine and feel beautiful but I was nitpicking and tearing myself apart for no reason.

At the end of the day if I feel beautiful to myself that’s a win. But it’s not the whole picture. I really would like to pass in society for two reasons. 1. I’m not a target of harassment and 2. Being seen as a woman and treated as such.

But overall I was feeling so crappy about how I look and this gives me hope that I don’t have to make such a huge drastic change in my appearance. That felt so overwhelming and impossible, but this feels like I really get to enhance my own unique beauty which is like 1000X better than trying to just mimic someone else or typical ideas. I’m excited to see how it unfolds for me! Every step of the way I’ve felt myself gaining more appreciation of my body and I hope it just continues. This is so much better than the doom spiral I was stuck in.

The only other thing that came up was learning to be more of myself. I bought a new phone the other day and wanted a case for it. I found this cute pastel pink one and I felt self conscious because I was worried about what others would think. I’ve mentioned it before but who I am did a complete 180 in the eyes of others and sometimes I get hung up on who they knew me as before and what I never did vs who I am now. I find myself overanalyzing why I like certain things, why I express myself in certain ways, why why why. Mostly because I’m comparing it to past me vs accepting it as who I am authentically. My body language, how i talk, how I hold myself ,etc. it’s all changed. But it’s not something I learned, the subs just started helping me allow it without judgement. I still battle with that a lot. On this forum, at my job, around my family, it hasn’t been easy showing a different side of me that I knew intimately but nobody else is familiar with. I really want to get to the point where I just am fully present as myself , not second guessing, not questioning, just being who I am.

#293

Hey I just found this on Sanguine thread from february, sounds awesome and a great booster!

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#294

Sanguine is really helpful for sure! I wish I could add it to my stack but sadly I’m only running two subs at a time and my stack is full.

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#295

I wish I could be as disciplined with subs, 2 subs is optimum, I’m going through lots of inner transformation and my sub use is all over the place right now, listening to 5+ different subs and not much breaks, I’m riding the wave and taking lots of integration time spending hours lying in bed doing deep relaxation, it’s a wild time but very fun!!

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#296

Whatever works! I just know for me bouncing around definitely doesn’t get deep enough for long lasting change. It’s like I need a few months to settle into the concepts of the sub, then once I’m more familiar my mind feels safe enough to take even deeper actions in line with it. But presenting too many new ideas, no matter how exciting or positive, can easily make parts of me want to run the other way.

#297

I’m having a lot of fear come up. As soon as I decided to leave this job my situation came crashing down on me. People could potentially mistreat me or discriminate against me now and I have no way to prove it or rise above it in a new job. My goal is to find a new job that is less stressful, more supportive, and good pay. But I’m terrified of leaving my current one and ending up in something worse. I haven’t been able to pull out my resume or look for anything.

Despite running safety net in my custom, I still feel alone. I feel like everyone else is caught up in their own lives and their impression of me is a strong person doing ok. And that’s my fault too. When I’m in distress I hide it, I get embarrassed and ashamed and feel like I’m being needy and immature.

I could barely function at work yesterday. I was there physically but mentally I just felt like collapsing on my desk. I’m processing so many emotions these days I’ve been resentful of my job because in the grand scheme of things they don’t care. There are no systems or support in place for individuals that struggle. You’re either fully checked into a psych ward or just doing your best day to day.

This is just all really painful to go through. But I worked on some music the other day and it helped center me. So I’m going to be returning to that more.

It’s just been hell having a fearful avoidant attachment style. It’s really easy to make things “work” but be deeply unhappy. And there’s no repurcussions externally but it’s like falling apart internally really slowly. This is what I’m realizing on an emotional level needs to change.

#298

I started this audiobook called Myth of the Nice Girl. It’s been so validating. It’s all about how to excel in the workplace using niceness as a strength. This is so much better than trying to become tougher, I love it.

This job has turned me into something I hate. I have to watch out for people who want to just throw me under the bus or mistakenly blame me for something that’s their fault. For example the other day I put this senior on blast because they were saying they had no access to a database. Logs showed that not only did one of my techs give this to them 30 days ago, but that was also an urgent request and they didn’t have the decency to even attempt a login or let us know if it was working or not. So I laid out pictures and timelines. Just matter of fact and a little bit of protection to cover my ass. But this is what I hate. They say they’re so busy and cant be bothered to check or communicate with my team, that’s disrespectful. I don’t care where you are on the hierarchy in the company, you can’t just bypass our procedures.

Anywayyyyy. Yeah I’d rather NOT have to do that. But I’m learning to stand up for myself and not let people push me around. It’s a careful balance I’m still learning.

But this audiobook is much needed for me so I can get back to my truest self and leverage my strengths.

#299

New goal for me. Just enjoy my life as much as possible before I die.

Going through everything I’ve been going through, deconstructing my self worth issues, I’ve realized something. I truly don’t care about legacy, grand goals, or prestige. I understand some people desire those things, but I just don’t think they’re on my lifeline. The more I try to shoehorn them into my life I realize either 1. I’m trying to attain something to feel better about myself or 2. forcing myself to operate in a way that’s not in alignment with who I am.

I used to watch people going about their lives, wondering how they could be happy with so much routine and thought surely they are miserable at their core. I told myself I’d do things differently and that’s what would make me feel fulfilled. But it was all fear, all fear of not being good enough. If I lived an average life, with an average job, I felt like a failure because I thought I needed to be something more.

Part of this was also my gender dysphoria. Since I was never happy as a guy I didn’t “get” life. It was bleak, colorless, flat. But since living as myself I’m starting to understand how people can kind of just exist and be content with the simple act of living.

That’s my feelings at this moment in time, I’m open to them changing or my viewpoints changing. But I’ve spent a lot of my life pushing these thoughts away because I thought it was wrong, lazy, not good enough for having them. It’s only been 6 months since I started my transition and I remind myself I really don’t even know who I am still. But I’m committed to letting that person be whoever they are.

Ultimately I want my decisions and actions to be inspired not forced. My whole life has been forced, learning to allow the smallest desires and feelings to come up and follow them has been difficult for me. Even more important is not letting outside opinions or people tamper with those feelings.

#300

I screwed up so bad last week. Had energy drinks almost every day. One day I had 2 in one day. On Friday I decided to drink a cold brew coffee at 6pm.

I know it’s just because I’m dissociating. I’m quitting this week for good. No more caffeine. I keep running. I can feel how doing this to my body blocks the emotional processing of the subs. I know exactly what I’m doing to basically get in my own way.

And now when my body ramps back down and I settle into it I’m gonna get hit with a lot. I already am today. Having a rough day at work just feeling like I’m on the verge of tears with so much stuff from my childhood coming up.

Going to invest in some nice herbal teas, maybe see what I can substitute for calm and focus that doesn’t stress the hell out of my nervous system. I deserve to have a better life and I owe it to myself to treat my body with kindness, not some vehicle I can just abuse to get to an end destination.