Eighteen Months of the True Khan

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#121

“Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.”

H.L. Mencken

  • This continues to be a damn roller coaster ride. Last night I got some serious stage one recon. Of a sort anyway.
    I was thinking about my life. I’ve always been very inhibited. I can’t say I’ve always done the right thing, but I’ve seldom been able to step outside of the societally and self imposed boundaries in order to do something I want to do. I may want to take some kind of action for advantage or pleasure, but when I think about it, all I see are the potential consequences.
    Well, I was feeling so pissed off last night that I hit a point of FUCK IT.
    Being the good guy has got me nothing. I have done just about everything right to get into the career field that I wanted to be in, and that didn’t happen and I don’t think it will. Meanwhile, I gave up looking like I wanted to, doing anything fun even if it was mildly legally questionable, and a lot of things. Between that and being generally risk averse, my life is solid, stable, and fucking boring. And it’s not even really that stable.
    (Note, this is just what I was thinking last night).
    My wife occasionally affectionately calls me Dudley Doright because I am such a damn straight arrow.
    And it has gotten me an extremely banal unremarkable life.
    My wife was initially attracted to me because i looked like and somewhat acted like a “bad boy”.
    You know, long hair, leather jacket, the works. Thing is, I was a fake bad boy. Even then I was one of the most strictly law abiding people you ever met.
    The other thing is, the thing I realized while I was analyzing this is that that is because I was completely repressing my real “bad” side.
    There is a part of me that has always wanted to just run wild. Flout the laws and norms of society and take the consequences if and when they come. Be a real rebel not just a paper one.
    I’ve certainly seen enough guys like that. I worked in corrections for ten years. I noticed something about some of the inmates. They seemed happier than me.
    Really, they were more relaxed, more inwardly confident, and did what they did without apology amd the utmost (seeming) comfort in who they were and what they did. Like they knew something I didn’t.
    FUCK IT. I thought of all kinds of fun things that I’d like to go out and do and an evening that would likely wind me up in very hot water of various kinds.

  • This all happened in my mind, I didn’t actually do a single anti social thing, but what it did do was give me a very good look at a side of me that I’ve kept locked away in a very tight mental box.
    Locked away so completely that I can’t access that part of me even if I needed it.
    I’ll need to get at that if I want to be the Khan. He doesn’t always follow the rules. He can’t.
    How am I going to integrate this? I don’t know, but I will.

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#122 
      **10/17/22 STAGE 1 CYCLE 3 WEEK 4**
      **WASHOUT WEEK #3**

  • I’m currently sitting here waiting while my wife is in surgery. She has to get some kind of thing installed in her one remaining functional eye because it has too much pressure in it. Same reason she went blind in the other years ago. At least they caught it in time with this one.

  • Absolute recon Hell last night. Stage one is still hitting deep issues and bringing them not so gently to my attention. For the first time in a very long time, I actually had trouble getting to sleep. I usually don’t have the slightest issue with that no matter what.

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#123

  • Today sucked. We had problem after problem getting the wife’s post op prescriptions filled. I ended up being late for work. Fortunately my boss was very understanding. That kind of goes with the fact that I’m never late and one of the most reliable people here.

  • The weirdness continues. I figured that the thing with me not wanting any other sexual partner than the wife was just some weird random effect of Khan Stage one and would pass in a day or so. So far it hasn’t. At all. This is really weird.
    I’m thinking that maybe all of the mental shit that has kept me from being all in on a relationship. I’m still confused by this. So is she.

  • Since I’m still experiencing the turbulent recon on Stage one, I’ve decided to extend it another two cycles, so now this is the two years of the True Khan. Though I may switch out the second core at some point.
    I am also going to be ordering RICH Elite as soon as I can and using that as my second program starting next cycle.

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#124
  • I had another thought about why my desire for other sex partners has gone away. Maybe it shut it down in its current form so it can re emerge in another, presumably better form.
    As I explained before, my old womanizing impulses were based on a need for external validation. That and fear that I wasn’t good enough to get a girl. A fear that I had to hold at bay by screwing as many different girls as I could. It could never really be assuaged and if I hit a dry spell, the fear amplified itself. That wasn’t healthy. That’s probably why I didn’t have the success at it that I could have. And while I did pretty well, I know in hindsight that I could have done a LOT better.
    This disinterest may just be a kind of shut down period while things are reprogrammed and rewired. It might at some point come back with a vengeance and in a healthier and more effective form.
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#125

When you put before that that desire seemed to disappear in the time it took you to drive to work, was it more like:

  1. You had that desire when you left home to go to work, and it faded in that time?
    or
  2. You were on the way to work, and realized the desire was gone, and it was more like you just realized it was gone, without noticing a definite point as to WHEN the shift happened?

Just curious how that played out.

Like for me, when I was doing some subliminal stuff a few months back regarding my body fat composition, I realized one day that I hadn’t had any soda in 3 days. And it wasn’t like over those 3 days I was “strong” and resisted the urge to have soda.

It was as if I had become a non-soda drinker at some point 3 days prior and that was just my “new normal” and I only realized a few days later. I didn’t even think about soda over those 3 days, until one day I went to get something out of my refrigerator and saw the soda cans I had left in there and said a kind of “Huh, interesting”

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#126

It was the first. I was thinking one way about it when I left home, and pretty much the opposite way when I arrived. Damndest thing.

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#127
  • I have RICH Elite sitting in my cart waiting for my paycheck to be deposited tomorrow night.
    I’ve had such great success with the store version of RICH that I thought I’d turn it up to eleven and head off real financial trouble before it can set in.
    It is very focused on manifesting money as quickly as possible. I’ve put in as much manifestation enhancement as I can, and aimed it all at money.
    This time I’m planning on running it until we’re comfortable enough to bring my attention to something else.
    Here is the final version.
  1. RICH Core
  2. Fortune’s Favorite
  3. Immortals Blade
  4. Void of Creation
  5. Jupiter
  6. Wealth Limit Destroyer
  7. Mosaic
  8. Financial Success Reality Shifter
  9. Secret Source
  10. Debt Annihilator
  11. Yggdrasil
  12. Current Invoker
  13. Deus
  14. Omnidimensional
  15. Merger of worlds
  16. Tyrant
  17. Furious Ascent

That should get it done in no time.

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#128
  • I already feel the turbulence from the last cycle subsiding tonight. I’m nice and relaxed actually.
    I am apparently really close to the average person that these things were designed for because it seems that things get really stirred up right at the end of my listening cycle and calm down fully right at about five days of washout. The only reason I give it seven is to keep things to an even week.
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#129
  • A plan of action is emerging for the long term. I’ve touched on this before, but I’ll go into more detail.
    When I finish this Khan run, I’ll run say EOG or Emperor fitness for a year or more as a custom with Khan stage four as the second core.
    Then when that is done, I’ll go through the other EOG or EF with the fourth stage of the last one I ran as the second core.
    That seems like a really great way to use customs for a total life transformation within a few years. I’ll call it the rolling method.
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#130

I don’t want to spam your thread brother, so I’ll keep it short. I just read thru nearly every single one of your updates over the last hour and I got chills. So much of what you’ve gone through in your past is my past, so many of your revelations and experiences that you’ve gone through on this journey have been mine also.
There are too many to list without filling up this comment, but the one I found most shocking is that you’ve lost interest in being a playboy for the moment. The same thing happened to me just the other day and I was in a similar situation (open relationship). I went to a party and it just hit me like a ton of bricks, I was like “What the hell am I doing here? There’s a girl a few miles down the road that’s in love with me.” So I went and made it official with her.
I’ve been confused about it also, it seems like a massive shift for me, but I think your insight applies to me also. Total Breakdown is getting rid of everything holding me back, the way in which I wanted other women, well, I just have to assume that it was holding me back. Another insight for me was realizing that I really want to put my heart and soul into this relationship. I don’t even care if it “lasts forever” I just want to learn how to be the best partner in a relationship that I can possibly be. I’m not sure what it all means, but I just have to assume that TB is making me the man I want to be, and I guess the man I want to be is a guy that can also be an amazing partner.

I just wanted to share.

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#131

Don’t worry about it. I don’t mind discussion on my thread at all.

I’m not sure I have. Now that you’ve brought it up, What I know I have lost interest in is sharing the wife. With anyone.
I suspect that what I REALLY want is to have my cake and eat it too as far as that goes. That may or may not be a realistic thing on Khan. Time will tell.
My interest is starting to rekindle as my washout week continues.

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#132

@praisetheurdtree you might want to check out my DR journal linked towards the beginning of this one too.

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#133
  • I’m feeling a bit of recon pressure again tonight. It kind of comes and goes, but over all it’s been lessening throughout the time I’ve been on this program.
    There is another thing that I hadn’t considered. I’m having problems with my wife having another “playmate”. That really is not normal for me. I was fairly experienced with open relationships and haven’t had a problem with it before. Granted that was a long time ago, but still this is a new reaction for me.
    This may be another instance of something I’ve noticed that recon does to me.
    If I’m not clueing in to what the recon is about, it produces a nervous, stressed, upset feeling which has no apparent reason for existing.
    That is confusing. I mean my mind has trouble with having a sense of impending doom, feeling pissed off, being extremely anxious or any other type of emotional reaction when there isn’t a clear cut reason to feel that way.
    It makes no sense, and I don’t like it when things don’t make sense.
    So my subconscious finds something to focus the stress on. That is either something minor if there aren’t any kind of huge problems going on at the moment, or it is the most major issue going on in my life at the time.
    Either way, I obsessively worry about whatever it and can just about drive myself nuts until the recon clears.
    Since total breakdown is pretty much designed to cause major recon, it should be no surprise that I’m experiencing this now.
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#134
  • RICH Elite has been ordered. I have a feeling that this is going to be a good one.
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#135
  • Today was irritating. It was just one of those days where everything becomes five times more complex than it needs to be and takes three times longer.
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#136
  • I’m tempted here. Tempted to try not worrying about money for a while and running the new experimental Wanted as my second program for a cycle or two instead of RICH Elite.
    That would be a very irresponsible thing to do. My employer is now fully staffed and has cut my overtime completely starting next week. That is not good, we have enough trouble paying bills and necessities when I am getting a lot of it. I’ve had great success getting through periods like that with the help of the standard RICH.
    On the other hand, running a seduction sub like Wanted is likely to kick me out of this disinterest in other sexual partners if anything will.
    I don’t want to break the rule that I set for myself of not running more than one program other than TK at a time.
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#137 
         **10/24/22 STAGE 1 CYCLE 4 WEEK 1**

  • Ok, last cycle for stage one. I’m not going to do the two additional cycles because I think that healing subs will continue digging at things until you are 100% healed. That would be great except that a human in the real world can never be 100% healed. It isn’t possible.
    What I’m looking for is good enough to move forward, and I think I’m there. I’m looking forward to total reprogramming.

  • I haven’t worked out in a few weeks because since my wife got her eye surgery she can’t drive. That means if anything needs to be done, I have to do it in the morning or before working a twelve hour shift. It cuts me down to often under four hours of sleep. That isn’t enough.
    Things should stabilize enough here soon that I can get back to it with a vengeance soon.

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#138

Good enough is good enough, right?
You can always finish Khan and then come back to stage one later, right?
If and when you come back to it, you’ll be healing from a whole new framework as a whole new man with a whole new set of experiences.

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#139

I have done several cycles of Khan during the last two years, and IMO it’s great coming back to Total Breakdown at times. Sometimes I just do a couple of loops just to refresh and boost the other stages. Crazy to think about these healing titles when the new experimental ZP get’s released on all titles :exploding_head:

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#140

  • I’ve been thinking about future plans again. At some point during this run I’m going to try to move my career forward. I’m sick of the stagnation.
    I’ve been in a dead end job that pays fairly well since I lost my last LE job five years ago. It’s a very high level security job and I am extremely grateful that I was able to find it pretty much immediately when I needed it. Hell, it pays better than the LE job I lost so I actually came out ahead as far as that goes.
    I more or less sit alone in a shack doing nothing all night every night though.
    That has its good points. It gave me the time to think and get really involved in improving myself and working on the problems that have been holding me back in life. It gave me the opportunity to research and look for solutions and to eventually land here at Subclub after getting very serious about my sub usage with that other company and start taking my sub usage seriously, carefully considering what I’m using and why, and monitoring and journaling my results.
    I knew that subs worked before and that some of them were next level.
    I am thankful for all of that.
    But very soon it will be time to move on. I’m not getting younger. There is no possibility of advancement in the company I work for now. I’d have to have some qualifications that I don’t, or I’d have to be willing to move out of state. I’m not going to uproot my family for a security job.
    That leaves me looking for a way forward.
    I know how to force the issue, at least I know what has worked for me in the past. I’ve been hired for a street level LE job twice, but I ran into some serious subconscious self sabotage and failed the field training phase both times.
    As to how I forced the issue. I had been trying and trying to land that particular type of job for years while working corrections. At some point I had come upon that sub company that shall not be named here, and I noticed that their stuff worked faster and better than the companies I had been using before. You know, the ones with a million or so titles and scripts that are just a few affirmations, and make no effort to develop the technology beyond that.
    At some point while working corrections I was getting very tired of applying to agency after agency and getting rejected every time. I ran one of their titles involving securing your ideal employment (paraphrase of actual title).
    Two months. After YEARS of repeated failure, it took two months, and the hiring processes for these jobs usually take at least four.
    Everything just clicked into place with that process like Majick.
    Unfortunately, “locate your ideal employment” didn’t include anything about keeping your ideal employment and I, well mentally jammed up so badly on one aspect of the job, namely the ability to navigate and find addresses quickly and have a sense of direction, that I lost the job right off. I now know that I had exceeded my “success ceiling” and my subconscious was putting me back into a place that it thought I belonged through self sabotage.
    I ran the same title again a couple of years later, and once again got the job within two months. A similar thing happened with it which lead me here.

  • So now what? At some point in this run or directly after, I am going to want to correct this. Get something moving forward. I think that I’ve cleared up enough crap on DE and Khan st 1 that I can succeed at that job now. I have a couple of options. The first is to wait until this run is over and switch to the job finding title from that other company. I know for a fact that it works amazingly well. I can have a custom for excelling at the job ready to start as soon as I get an offer.
    Another option is to stick with SubClub and make the Manifestation Monster custom I mentioned before. That’ll take more effort to consciously aim, but I can do it while on this run.
    Another is to ask Subclub to come up with an equivalent line of products related to manifesting one’s perfect whatever.
    I don’t have to decide now, but I’m thinking about it already.

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