- Also, according to the caliper thingy that the author of Bigger Stronger Leaner recommends I’m down a percent body fat. That is assuming I’m using it correctly, which is a pretty big assumption.
1 Like
I’m lazy with body fat measurements. I bought a Renpho scale. Where you stand on metal pads and it uses bioimpedance to measure it.
1 Like
-
This washout week hasn’t been nearly as brutal as the last. I’m not really stressed at all. That must mean that a large part of the job of Stage one is done. I am still going to do the remaining two cycles because I want to get the maximum benefit from every part of this program and it is important to me to stick with the plan I made at the beginning. It’s a matter of keeping my word to myself and exercising discipline.
-
There was one incident. The wife needs eye surgery to prevent her from going blind in the one eye that isn’t already, and she (and I) are freaked out about it.
The other night she kind of reverted to the hypercritical verbal bullying and emotional abuse over small imperfections that had been common throughout our relationship, but which has been gone since the beginning of the year.
I got a bit upset, and started considering what would happen if this kind of thing became common again.
The answer is simple. If it keeps up much longer than it takes to get her eye situation sorted out, I’m out the door. I don’t deserve to be used as an emotional punching bag. I am not incompetent enough to deserve abuse for that. I’m not malicious or uncaring toward her, so I don’t deserve it for that. In fact, I’ve proven myself to be extremely competent and that I will work myself half to death for her and my son.
I also don’t deserve it in the sense of being so beta that I will sit and take it forever.
No. Anyone who treats someone like me poorly, they don’t fucking deserve me in their life, and driving me off would be the worst mistake she ever made.
She apologized with feeling in the morning and said that she had been extremely overwhelmed and admitted that she had dealt with it horribly. -
I think that perfect style and smell is kicking in. Im considering how I dress more than I was. It’s odd though, it seems not to be changing much just refining the look that I already go for. That is a casual, very masculine style. I look like a guy who rides a Harley (which I am) and I’m embracing it more and more.
I think that a lot of my problem in the past has been that while I always wanted to have that kind of hyper masculine look, I always shied away from going all the way with it and standing out that way so I sort of tried to walk a line and to blend in a bit.
I may have been afraid that I “wasn’t man enough” and guys who were would see through it, so I eased it off a bit to avoid that kind of attention.
Not anymore though. I bought some large, very noticeable, very masculine necklaces, and some other stuff that’ll fit with the look.
I am also seeing good results beginning from the gym, so I’ll look more consistent with that.
1 Like
-
Almost done with washout week. It’s hard to believe that I’m halfway through Stage one already. It has been rough, but the roughness just brought things I’d been denying and hiding from myself to my attention so blatantly that I couldn’t ignore them anymore. It forced me to face the internal stuff, think my way through it, and come to terms with it. It also drove me to take external action where that was necessary and possible in order to change circumstances that were exacerbating my internal issues. It’s not the most pleasant program I’ve ever run by any stretch of the imagination, but now at the end of my second washout week I can see that it’s damn well working. I think that I’m mentally stronger than I was when I started.
-
So far I haven’t noticed anything from Inner Circle. There are no new people in my life yet. But I’m only a month in on it, and it’s kind of a set and forget type sub so I’m not that worried about it.
3 Likes
**9/26/22. STAGE 1 CYCLE 3 WEEK 1**
-
Now that I think about it, I’m really amazed at how much I’ve worked through in just the last couple of months. I don’t think that I’m even consciously aware of most of it.
This seems to have hit some things that DR missed or at least didn’t get me to fully deal with.
I felt really solid through this washout week. Even more so toward the end. -
I saw something different when I looked in the mirror today. Not only are the results of my workout program becoming visible, there is something different about my face and especially my eyes. My gaze is somehow steadier and calmer and more intense at the same time.
-
I did my bench press centered workout today. I crossed a certain weight that has always been a major psychological barrier for me. Like everything above that line has always seemed like it was too heavy. Like that was for strong people and I’m not strong.
This morning I banged off my requisite number of reps with that weight like it was nothing. Then I added five pounds and hit the low end of my target rep range with my last two sets. A line has been crossed and progress continues.
3 Likes
“If you’re going through Hell, keep going”. Winston Churchill.
-
Just when I thought my tormenting myself was over my thoughts are drifting to my career aspirations.
I decided on what career I wanted to have in 2003, and I stuck to it with dogged determination throughout the years. I applied time after time for twenty years, was rejected over and over. Each time I built crushed hopes up again and convinced myself that the next one was the one.
That showed some good characteristics. Focus, determination, and the grit to keep getting up and trying to move forward despite being knocked down over and over again more times than I can count.
Sadly, it’s time to admit that all that effort, all of that determination, all that personal strength that I showed got me exactly nothing. FUCKING NOTHING.
I was hired for the job twice. I used one of that other company’s subs and manifested the job like majick. My self sabotage mechanism kicked in and I didn’t make it past the OJT phase both times. That’s what I get for trying to cheat my success ceiling instead of facing and dealing with it. (I got into the specifics in my DR journal). Perhaps that’s a bit unfair. I didn’t have the tools available that I do now.
Now as I sit a few months off of forty five I strongly suspect that it doesn’t matter how much more I keep trying. I have too many black marks now, and I’ll never get hired again. It’s over and it’s time to stop throwing good energy after bad.
That means that I have failed at the one thing in my life that I really set my mind on and ground towards. Utterly and completely failed.
That was probably my worst fear over the last couple of decades and it has come true.
I won’t say it hurts. It fucking BURNS and it’s not something that any sub can really cure. It is supposed to burn. Failure should hurt. I deserve it.
Now you might say that I’m experiencing severe recon and suggest that I take a few extra rest days. This isn’t recon and that’s not how ya do Khan. It’s Khan st 1 ripping the veil away from the feelings that I have been hiding from for years.
I need to feel this. I need to lean into it. Exist within it, move through it. That is the only way to get to the other side. -
I’m more and more convinced that stage one is very much causing the death of the old me. It’s not gentle about it either. I don’t think you can get these results painlessly. I have to be willing to walk through fire to forge the new man I’ve always wanted to be, and I’ve always shied away from it. Not this time.
-
ONCE AGAIN: NEW PEOPLE, DON’T USE THIS AS A FIRST SUB.
1 Like
-
This experience is actually really good, as painful as it is. I realized something.
I’ve kept myself in a depression for decades because I was afraid of what I’m going through right now.
I said that this burns. That’s quite a telling statement even if metaphorical. What I’m feeling right now is the pain of denied passion. I’ve actually been protecting myself from feeling this by creating a mental barrier between me and it. It works great.
There was a problem though. I noticed on DR, and I think for a very long time before that that I really don’t seem to have access to my passion.
I knew I wanted things. Wanted to do things. Wanted to accomplish things. But I just couldn’t really FEEL it with any kind of intensity.
Matter of fact I didn’t feel any kind of intense emotion at all.
It wasn’t just depression, my defense mechanism flat out kept me from feeling alive.
Occasionally something broke through briefly, and intense anger rose to the surface regularly. Usually when my ego was threatened. For the most part though I spent the last I don’t know how long just numbed out. Not really feeling alive.
The thing is that the fire of passion and the fire that I was afraid of burning me are the same damn thing. Two sides of the same coin. If I block out one of them, I block out the other and feel numb and dead inside.
I remember the last time I actually broke through this. (Story time)
I went to a two week camping event near my home state the summer after I moved across the country to go back to school. This was a really awesome yearly event with ten thousand of my closest friends. And it’s rather famous for kind of letting you be a different kind of self for a while.
Girlfriend #4 had moved out with me, and she was going, and I had convinced #3 to come as well. We also brought this guy with us. He was a good dude, but kind of a dufus. Best way I can describe him.
That turned out to be a problem but wouldn’t you know it, she and dufus got together.
I was still in love with #3 (so I thought anyway) and very depressed that she had left me, so needless to say I wasn’t happy.
I spent the next few days, well, I’m not great with emotions so I can’t really describe it, but it was intense and all fucking bad.
All bad until one morning I was standing in the central marketplace of this event and I realized that underneath the pain and rage was something else. I felt energized, passionate, alive, powerful. More so than I had for a long time before that. Perhaps ever. It felt good.
It didn’t last long. I think it was at least partly the effect that that particular event has on people. The rest of the event maybe. I numbed out by the time I returned to where I was living and the miserable rest of my relationship with #4. -
Ok, so what I’ve learned tonight is that I have to walk through fire to get to MY fire.
3 Likes
-
I’m feeling much better tonight. The distress of yesterday was gone this morning. There seems to be something cathartic about writing a long detailed post in my journal when a healing program digs something like that up.
-
I have a date. I joined a group on social media for ethical non monogamy for my local area amd a couple days later started chatting with this lady. It turns out that she is recently divorced and looking for a male playmate without any attachment.
From the few pictures I saw, she is toward the lower end of the attractiveness scale, but if her personal energy is good, I’m sure I’ll have a good time.
I have two goals here. One is just to meet a woman and have a good time with her. The other is practice. I am becoming a guy who can find a woman to have sex with whenever I want to. The best way to do that is try it. That she is in my estimation not as high on the hot scale as I am will reduce nerves and give me a good intro into trying to do this again.
4 Likes
I’m excited for you, man. That is awesome.
1 Like
Thanks Brotha. Come to think of it I’m having a pretty good success rate for this just starting off.
I’ll let you know what happens.
2 Likes
- Yesterday it sounded like I was giving up on my career aspirations. I’m not sure if I am or not. I realized that this was something more than just calling it a failure and surrendering.
What it is is an acknowledgment that the old me couldn’t cut it, couldn’t get hired, and fucked it up when he used the power of the subconscious to get around that. It’s a recognition that my self sabotage programming beat me. The old me.
I have to face that while I’m in stage one. This is the death of the old. That involves letting go of the weak parts of me, the patterns that were hurting me, and the things that I was desperately clinging to that I should not have been.
I am casting them into the fire as I walk through it. It is necessary for the new me to become a reality.
The old me couldn’t hack it. But the Khan can. (You khan do it!) He is being forged from the steel that survives the fire as we speak, and will continue to be shaped throughout this eighteen months.
It is just a matter of wether I still want to or if I find a new career goal.
3 Likes
You are the one in khantrol 
3 Likes
**10/3/22 STAGE 1 CYCLE 3 WEEK 2**
-
I have been thinking about how I used to think about myself. What my self talk used to be like. I’m talking about when I was a pre teen and early teenager.
I had these sayings that used to crop up frequently. This gem came to mind this afternoon, “anyone can beat me at anything, I am inferior”. There were numerous others, all equally cheerful and positive.
That is how I thought of myself as my mind was forming my adult self, and while it wasn’t as blatant those patterns didn’t go away completely as I reached adulthood.
While on the surface, I felt a bit better about myself and had some good thoughts, those old patterns and sometimes the phrases popped up sometimes.
I learned while doing DR that (in case you hadn’t guessed it) I developed a massive inferiority complex in my earliest childhood. It’s really stuck in there because it is entwined into the first layers of my self image that formed as I grew up. Now that I’m looking at it, I think that that is the most basic statement of the root cause of most or all of the problems that have kept me from being the man that I could be. They are all variations on that theme. Branches of that poisonous tree.
It started out by being raised by two very emotionally dysfunctional people who took their problems out on me by pointing out every mistake I ever made and acting like it was the stupidest thing that they’ve ever seen anyone do. Also, my father, after Mom discarded him and he lost his job in the same month, had an even bigger inferiority complex than I ever have. That is not a good thing for a son to see because we at least subconsciously look to our same sex parent to learn how to be a man or woman.
Dad apparently didn’t know that. He didn’t try to hide it. He constantly told me that he thought of himself as a useless piece of shit who couldn’t do anything right. I loved my Dad and instinctively looked up to him, so this was extremely emotionally distressing for me, and since I looked up to him, I subconsciously thought that this was how I was supposed to think of myself and how I was supposed to act.
Not good. At a very young age I started playing those same scripts in my head. Ripping on myself and believing it. Predicting failure in anything I did.
School didn’t help. I started kindergarten while my parents were in the middle of a divorce, amd this was not a normal thing in the early eighties in the rural town I am from. Matter of fact, as far as I know, I was the first kid in my school who’s parents divorced.
Of course, I didn’t really know what was going on, so all I could tell was that there was something very wrong going on in my little world.
All of this lead me to start kindergarten nervous, timid, and not focusing on what I should have been.
I stuck out like a sore thumb for the other kids. Young humans start to establish a social dominance hierarchy as soon as they’re thrown into a group. And I seemed like the weakest one at first. Perhaps I actually was. So I was picked on unmercifully and excluded from all groups.
I probably seemed stupid because I didn’t pay any attention to class and didn’t do any of the work if I could avoid it. After all, I had other things to worry about, and to be honest spent most of my time in a kind of escapist fantasy world because I was having trouble dealing with them.
I was big and got the lack of coordination that comes with that, but I wasn’t very physically strong. The net result of all of this was that I came out on the bottom of just about every type of implicit and explicit contest I was in.
That reinforced what my parents had been telling me. I really started to think of myself as stupid, weak, clumsy, and a host of other negative additives.
Of course, how you think of yourself is how you are, so I continued to seem more and more like a piece of garbage.
It was a feedback loop from the deepest pit of hell.
That was my base programming. Everything else from that point on was written over it. Some of it was good and has allowed me to have a modicum of success in life. But those programs were still operating under the surface and would only allow me to go so far.
One of the ways it manifests is imposter syndrome. When I do achieve something good, the old programming tells me that I couldn’t have really done that, and if I try to keep it up and achieve more, I’ll be exposed as the fraud that I am. This is subconscious of course, but it keeps me from trying to take my successes further in a lot of cases and results in self sabotage in many others.
I didn’t even realize any of this or start changing it until I found the more powerful subliminals. DR has helped a lot with this, but apparently there is more work to do. -
I just realized something. I mentioned that seeing how my father was effected how I thought about how I was supposed to be as a man.
My mother played a part to, a very specific one.
She had all of the maternal warmth of a Komodo dragon in a liquid nitrogen bath. She was the first to point out all of my flaws, and had a way of making it seem like a plain fact that I was the most inferior piece of trash on the planet so of course I was going to screw whatever it was up.
She seemed to delight in hurting and humiliating me any way she could. Plus, I had seen how she had mentally destroyed my father.
So, while a boy learns what men are supposed to be like from their fathers, they learn what women are supposed to be like, and how they are supposed to relate to us from their mothers.
What did I learn? Women want to hurt you. They are dangerous to even be around. So of course, when I started to find them interesting, I also found them terrifying. The more attractive they were the worse it was. I could barely speak around them for a while in my early teenage years. And approaching them, asking them out? Forget it.
So what saved me from being a forty something virgin? It started with good genetics. I’m tall. I started to become good looking when the baby fat finally started to melt off, and I carry some muscle especially if I work at it.
Also, while I had bad social anxiety, I kind of figured out how to play that so it didn’t look like it. I dressed like the bad boy, my version anyway and I didn’t talk much. I did the brooding badass thing. At first, I didn’t notice any interest. Looking back, I see that was because I just didn’t notice, or wouldn’t let myself believe it. Not because it wasn’t there. Eventually, I found one who it really worked on and I was able to play it right enough that the genetics and the act worked. The floodgates opened after that. However, I was only able to get the girls who threw themselves at me. The fear of being the one to initiate remains and at least to some extent still does.
Now that the programming is being effected, let’s see what Khan can do starting stage two. -
That lady flaked on our coffee date. I’m not worried about it. As I said I wasn’t really attracted to her in the first place. This does show that I am taking initiative and action a d at this point, that’s what I’m going for.
1 Like
- I get an effect after these mental data dumps. I feel a bit down. Lose interest is most things, and just kind of coast for a few days. That’s why there was so long between the entry before the last one and the last one.
I think I figured it out. It’s not depression even though it feels a bit like it. My subconscious has done a lot of processing and it’s just plain tired.
3 Likes
-
I’ve been thinking more about the inferiority complex I was talking about in my last entry.
Throughout DR and now Khan I keep thinking that I’ve found the root of my problems and keep finding something else. What I just realized is that they are all the same thing viewed from a different angle.
And it’s power over me has lessened each time I’ve gained clarity like that.
It manifests less in my life. I have less fear. I can see myself doing more. I can actually do more.
It just takes facing it head on again and again from angle after angle.
Feelings of inferiority are very tough to look at, but it is critical to look at them if I’m to get through them. I’ve been hiding it from myself and everyone else all of my life, but now I really have to get into it. -
I can think of one effect it’s had on my life. That is that I get unreasonably angry when I’m criticized. And I’m not sure if it pisses me off more if I know they have a point or if I think it’s unreasonable.
Maybe it doesn’t matter that much. To tell the truth, I was so unsure of myself that underneath it all I was afraid the person criticizing me had a point no matter how ridiculous the jab was.
I had an instinct to hide my inferiority, so not only did I take anyone pointing out a real or imagined flaw out as an attempt to expose me to the world as the useless pile of crap that I actually was. I found out early in my school career that if a flaw got exposed, people (other kids, and unfortunately some so called teachers) would be absolutely merciless.
That was one of my worst if not my absolute worst fear, so it engaged my fight flight response. That usually comes out as anger. Or you could say white hot rage. That would be accurate.
I usually contained it because the result of letting anger out were usually going to be more humiliation and pain, and that caused an even bigger problem.
I no longer think of myself as a complete piece of shit. At least not most of the time, but I still have a fear driven defensive reaction whenever someone criticizes me or tries to dominate me in any way.
That’s not the way a real alpha reacts. Anger has its place, but I don’t need to feel it every time that someone criticizes me. That is actually a sign of weakness.
Sometimes it is someone pointing out something that I really need to think about. I should actually feel grateful for that. Sometimes they really are trying to tear me down. That is usually due to their own insecurities. I am far from the only one who has this particular set of problems.
An alpha deals with that as necessary depending on how much damage it can actually do. But emotionally pity or laughter is the best way to respond.
2 Likes
-
So the lady who flaked on me last Saturday texted me again. This time she sounded a lot more excited about the whole thing.
She asked for a recent picture amd had a very positive reaction when I sent her one. Which is great because I thought it was kind of a horrible picture. -
I am looking at this as practice. In my estimation she is a few notches below me on the attractiveness scale. That’s ok though. It takes the nervousness completely out of the situation for me. I can just have a good time and try to do what I do. I have always wanted to be the guy who can approach a woman, initiate something, and guide the interaction all the way to sex whenever I want to. Unless you are an absolute natural that takes some amount of practice. Getting over the fear that a lot of guys feel takes practice if nothing else.
It will also take success. I think that since I ran DR and Khan st 1 has done some of it’s work I have a much better mindset about things. Before I had plenty of confirmation that I could indeed get girls, but because of the self esteem issues and inferiority complex I talked myself out of believing it. I think I can believe it now so any successes I have will have a positive impact.
I can go for women who are more and more ideal in my eyes as time goes by and I get further on the road to Khanhood. -
To be blunt, I have two goals here. First for both of us to have a good time. Second, to get as close to sex on this date as I can. If it happens I make it as great for both of us as I can.
-
I’m pretty impressed that I’m taking as much action as I am while I’m still going through stage one.
4 Likes
- I’m considering something. According to my original plan for this run, the next cycle is my last for stage one. I was planning on doing four cycles of the first three stages and six of stage four for a total of eighteen cycles.
I’m thinking of doing six cycles of each stage for a full two year run.
The archetype described in Khan is who I’ve always wanted to be, and I don’t see that changing. That means I can afford to really take the time and make sure I cover all of the bases thoroughly as I walk the road. Particularly stage one since that isn’t included in stage four.
On the other hand, that may be excessive and I might benefit more from extending my run of Stage four for six more months than I would from doing it this way.
What do you all think?
3 Likes
- This week has actually been kind of a shit show. I had to get my access card for work renewed and this is quite the obnoxious bureaucratic process at the best of times. Of course, I work nights and the people who handle that work days so I can’t get it done during my normal work time. I had to wait around for two and a half hours until they opened.
I did that on Tuesday. Perfectly routine and shouldn’t be a problem, right?
Wrong.
They had my name misspelled in the system so the badge was wrong and they couldn’t give it to me.
So I did the same thing this morning. I got it done, but because their system glitched at every step of the process it took much longer than it usually would. Net result is that I am running on about three hours of sleep for the last couple of days.
For most of my life this combination of things would put me into a horrible, angry, petulant mood.
This time my attitude was just “it’s annoying but it is what it is.”.
2 Likes
I think either way would work.
One thing I always found fascinating from the objectives was the suggestion to repeat the whole process to discover something new.
Going along that line of thinking there may not be a reason to make the four stages a linear path of completion. Instead it’s more like each stage highlights a different aspect of a true khan and continual rotations mean continual growth through intense focus/refocus/defocus.
2 Likes
I made a plan for this and I’m sticking to it at least as far as how I’m going to be running it. I find that I have the most success with subs if I make a long term plan and execute it so I’m going to be going stage by stage at least for the fifteen cycles.
1 Like