Eighteen Months of the True Khan

[COWolfe]

@Malkuth

But your version of angst, insecurity, and desperation seems pretty self-aware, proactive, and kind of moving-along (rather than stagnant and stuck).

To be fair, I spent the entirety of 2021 running through Dragon Reborn. This is more intense, a lot more, but I’ve crossed the abyss before and I can do it again.
I think that the key word in what you said there is pro active. I couldn’t really bring myself to write about this during the week or so I was going through it, it REALLY sucked when the unexpected feelings hit. A while into it though, I realized that if the situation was making me that uncomfortable, I had better do something about it rather than just sitting there in misery. That’s when I really started communicating with the wife told her I was having a major problem with this, that it was likely being amplified by Khan, and we worked some things out to where I had less of an issue.
So this event not only gave me insight, but spurred me to take action and let me practice being assertive without being a douche nozzle about it. So far Khan is bloody awesome if painful.

@Malkuth

What’s the sub schedule going forward? (No suggestions from me, I’m just interested in what you’re doing. This is pretty far away from my territory.)

I’m doing four cycles for the first three stages and six for stage four. I think this’ll be worth the time spent.

@Malkuth

armchair quarterback]: I feel like the time you put into this part that you’ve stated above is probably going to lead to a breakthrough.

Could you elaborate on this please? Do you mean time spent finding an efficient way, or that I should try to log the hours doing cold approach, ect?

[Malkuth]

@COWolfe

@Malkuth

armchair quarterback]: I feel like the time you put into this part that you’ve stated above is probably going to lead to a breakthrough.

Could you elaborate on this please? Do you mean time spent finding an efficient way, or that I should try to log the hours doing cold approach, ect?

You seem past the ‘logging hours’ phase to me. (I mean, there will always be some of that, but it doesn’t seem like the main issue.)

I’m thinking more in terms of strategy. I don’t mean sneaky or manipulative strategy. Just straight-forward logic. (Emotionally and socially informed logic.)

In other words, 1) being the type of man that I am, and 2) knowing what I know of the types of women I most enjoy:

• in which places am I likely to get the best RoI (pardon my language, that’s more the space I’m in )
• doing what kinds of activities

For example, I personally am a contemplative introvert. I enjoy women who share common interests with me and whose ideas I admire. I like feeling calm and comfortable. I like being in places where I’m not uncomfortably overstimulated. I like to explore the inner world. And so on and so on.

So for me, doing interesting activities like wildlife observation and hiking, equine therapy, hypnosis or meditation groups. Those are places where I am more likely to meet a woman I like.

Conventions, workshops, fairs, or courses, would be other decent places for me. With places to socialize afterwards, but also with kind of structured or semi-structured settings where we can observe each other thinking about and working on things and sharing our ideas.

Anyway. That’s me. But I’m thinking of the same kind of logic applied to you.

[Malkuth]

@Malkuth

Anyway. That’s me. But I’m thinking of the same kind of logic applied to you.

P.s. also think of places that showcase the things that you love and the things you like the most about yourself.

For example, if you were a singer/songwriter, I’d suggest doing open mics. And meeting women who like those kinds of places, since they’d be more likely to like or admire you.

That kind of thing. It should be fun and take you slightly out of your routine, but not all the way out of your comfort zone.

[Tobyone]

@COWolfe

Now that my feelings insecurity and inferiority have been brought to the forefront and I’m being forced to deal with them, the question is how.

I just woke up and I read this. My first idea was to buy a full set of colored crayons or watercolors, then just draw on a white paper whatever comes up, make it messy if needed. Then meditatade on these drawings for a while and just observe the colors.

Maybe you can see patterns in certain colors matching certain emotions after a while? Just an idea, but mayby also after a while these emotions you feel will also have a certain color making them easier to spot and increases your awareness of them?

[COWolfe]

Awesome answer @Malkuth. I was kind of thinking along the same line, but that puts it into words better than I had.
Mind you I also have to find women willing to get involved with a married man. Might be an issue even though the wife will give permission if they ask.

[COWolfe]

@Tobyone

Maybe you can see patterns in certain colors matching certain emotions after a while? Just an idea, but mayby also after a while these emotions you feel will also have a certain color making them easier to spot and increases your awareness of them?

Thanks. (Don’t take this as annoyance at you, I’m just clarifying and having a hard time not making it come off that way). I’m well aware of my emotions. More so than I ever have been. It’s working through them and making them no longer be a problem that is going to take some time.

[COWolfe]

• Tonight I just feel detached, kind of tired, and like nothing is really going on in my mind. Hard to describe, it’s kind of like watching a TV with low volume gentle static and nothing else. Kinda peaceful, but there is no drive, ambition, or sense of the future.
  I got this a lot on DR. I don’t know if it means that something is processing deep down, or if I’m tired and resting from having processed so much lately.

• There is one thing that is getting in the way of me being able to go anywhere and find what I’m looking for as far as my sex life goes. Or for that matter any kind of fun, hobby, workout program, or much of anything else. Work.
  I’m not working 72 hours a week anymore, but I’m still routinely working sixty, and not on a set schedule. I have a fairly long commute too.
  I don’t have much time to do much else really. Including sleep. Something has to change here.

[COWolfe]

       **9/5/22 STAGE 1 CYCLE 2 WEEK 2**

• OK, NOW I’m feeling better about the whole situation. MUCH better.
  Last night I went to a party a friend of mine has for people who are into open relationships, polyamory and whatnot. I’ve done pretty well there but since it was during the time I had a don’t ask don’t tell relationship with my wife, and I was in a pretty bad place mentally for most of the time, I left all but one of the offers I got on the table.
  It’s been a few years since I’ve been to one due to the rona, and my having to work so damn much.
  The wife was encouraging me to go, but I was hesitant due to the mental space that I was in from stage one and what just happened. I got myself into as good a headspace as I could and went.
  There was no anxiety when I got there. I noticed that I said hi to everyone I came near, wThis isn’t my norm. I am usually a lot more quiet and hesitant to initiate contact with anyone I don’t know really well.
  I was going with the goal of finding someone to hook up with. At this point it was just kinda going for any woman I could get (within reason) because the goal is to get my confidence back.
  Normally, when I have done well with women, it just kind of happened. I don’t start talking to one with any intention, and I’m not sure how I did it when all is said and done. This time was a little different.
  I saw a girl sitting on the couch. No ten by normal standards, but cute in my book. “Ok, we’re going for her”. And I sat down and started talking to her.
  I didn’t have a “game plan” or anything, but it turned out we were both born in the same other state, so we had some place memories to talk about.
  I just had a normal conversation while staying relaxed and maintaining very calm eye contact.
  Soon I noticed that she kept glancing down and away. She must have noticed that I saw that because she said “sorry I keep glancing away. You’re VERY cute and I’m awkward”.
  I walked away shortly after that but came back later.
  She had friend requested me on social media and I’d accepted. When I got back, we started talking again. Oddly, instead of just saying it, she messaged me saying that she wanted to make out with me. Then she suggested we go get a drink in another room. Let’s just say some stuff happened on the way to the basement.
  There is a small problem with all of this. She is in a relationship with a guy who has a lot less experience than she does. He was part of that conversation which is why she messaged me instead of just saying it which would have been fine where we were.
  She gave him a hall pass because of his lack of experience, but he has been less than comfortable with her doing anything with anyone else.
  She told me that she was going to try to make that more equitable and that I would be the first to know if she succeeded.
  She has been sending me very spicy pictures all day.

• Ok, that’s what I needed at this point. First, I just conclusively proven to myself that I’ve still got it. HELL YEAH! That was success on the first fucking try and it wasn’t difficult. I don’t know if I’m going to hook up with her or not due to her situation, but it doesn’t actually matter (well, I want to, I’m attracted to her, but that’s besides the point).
  Second, for what I think is the first time in my life, I initiated the interaction, I made the decision “OK, her”, and I followed through on it by starting an interaction.
  Third, there was no anxiety, fear of rejection, nervousness that I didn’t know what to do, nothing. I didn’t have a plan, just started an interaction that I wanted to end up in sex and trusted myself to say and do the right things.
  This was VERY different than the last time I went somewhere looking for female company.
  I was thinking about it and I realized something. Not long ago (like, last month) I was wishing that I was the type of dude that girls wanted right off the bat. The kind of guy who they want to have affairs with and throw themselves at. Break their personal rules for.
  The thing I realized is that I am that kind of guy. I always have been. I just need to learn to communicate that to women, and most importantly, believe it myself.
  My wife says that when she first knew me she was afraid to sit in my area because I seemed to be surrounded by a “harem”.
  Thinking back, it was true. I just didn’t sleep with many of them.
  I know now that I could have. Some of them wanted me to. I just lacked self belief and a clue. Well, the guy with the harem is coming back, and I’m still on the second cycle of stage one.
  HAIL THE KHAN!

[gdbdboy]

Way to go !! Nice to see you take action even in ST1 .

That’s all we need . 1 positive response and then the next approaches will be effortless .

[COWolfe]

• Stage one is a damn emotional roller coaster. I was up yesterday because of something that happened. That is I was at the beginning of my shift. By the end of it, I thought of something I saw relating to my wife’s FWB, and I was back to envisioning nightmare scenarios, being angry, pessimistic and bitter. That lasted most of today though it wasn’t as bad.
  I felt better after I worked out for the first time in a long time. I’ve started a very organized strength based diet and lifting program.
  This is a greater thing for me right now than just something that improves my abilities, health and looks.
  My life currently does not seem to have purpose or measurable goals. Nothing to shoot for that I can achieve on a predictable schedule, nothing to struggle for. Just an embarrassingly easy though quite lucrative job, and an annoying but predictable domestic routine.
  Now I have the goal of adding weight to the bar every week. That is the most basic and primal of masculine goals. Increase my strength. The raw physical power I can exert on the world. It’s a start at finding the purpose that I now realize I was craving, and it’ll help me achieve a lot of my other goals.

• I think that the key thing I need to do to survive the mental maelstrom that is stage one is find my center. My basic who the fuck I am or maybe who the fuck I want to be and what I want, and hold to it throughout the Storm and through the ups and downs that I’m sure are going to keep coming.
  Stage one talks to me like a drill instructor. “You think you’re tough son!? FUCKING PROVE IT!! If you can make it through this, then you can be worthy to think of yourself as that guy you’ve always wanted to be”.
  The goal is to hold onto that vision and keep pushing toward it no matter how I feel on a day to day basis.

• I don’t think that Khan was designed so that everyone makes it. There is a price to be paid to get the benefits it offers, and not everyone is going to be willing or able to pay it.

[COWolfe]

• Another effect, and this one is odd. My musical taste has changed. I didn’t even usually listen to music when I was driving to and from work. I listened to talk radio.
  Now, since the emotional dam broke last cycle, I can’t get enough hard, aggressive, angry metal played at an assaultive volume.
  That’s odd. Before when I was feeling down I would listen to more depressing music. Usually in the same basic genre, but more well, down and hopeless. Now it’s pissed off music.
  This may speak to me feeling more powerful. Depressed and hopeless and pissed off seem to me to be two sides of the same coin. The only difference is the amount of power you feel over the situation and the world in general.
  People who feel like they couldn’t possibly influence things get depressed and pathetic like I did about my last three girlfriends. Matter of fact I lived in that state for a good portion of my life.
  People who do think that they can influence the outcome (wether that is a rational impression or not) tend to react to the same root emotion by getting pissed off.
  That speaks to a shift in my basic perception of myself.

[COWolfe]

• The unpleasant interplay between the thing with my wife and Stage one digging for limiting beliefs has brought another one to the surface.
  I accidentally saw something that she was texting. It was really nothing, just a casual endearment.
  It set me off though. I don’t mean I got mad at her or anything, I mean it set off my paranoia and fear of bad things happening in the future. Last night was a mentally rough night.
  I was hesitant to talk to her about it in the morning. I guess I have listened to too much red pill crap about never showing vulnerability and all of that rot. I get it, never give up your power, or appear needy or be begging and supplicating to someone who is above you.
  I didn’t do that. I told her what was bothering me, and asked if she understood why. I was kind of expecting her to argue and minimize my concerns. Her actual response was on the order of “Oh Shit, I’m sorry, I understand”.
  That made me feel a bit better as did the rest of the conversation.
  Then I could think of exactly why it set me off, and another limiting belief I have became clear. It’s closely related to the “you can’t have it” belief I discussed earlier. I have a long standing perception that whenever there has been competition between me and another guy for a girl, in other words when a girl had a choice between me and another guy, I lost instantly every time. The “truth” in my head was that the second another male showed interest, she, whoever she is, would immediately lose interest in me and go go for him. Every time, no matter who she was or who he was.
  It’s weird how I’d accepted that as my history. Because it’s bullshit.
  Sure, it’s played out that way a few times, but if I think about it, there are quite a few incidents where it hasn’t. Some where it was the complete opposite where I was the guy a girl lost interest in another man for. Cheated with.
  Hell, my wife left her fiancé for me.
  Ok, why did that stay implanted in my subconscious despite a lot of evidence to the contrary?
  The reason has more to do with when it happened than anything else.
  The first two girlfriends were the culprits, and when I analyze it, it becomes much more understandable and much less about me.
  #1 Moved away to college after getting away from her abusive parents and living with my mom for the summer. She was a mental mess, and acted accordingly when she got there. She never attended one class, partied, had casual sex with quite a few college guys and at least one professor, and eventually ran into this dude who was technically homeless. He was living in hotel rooms with a group of friends. Real winner there.
  She of course decided that he was the love of her life and ditched me. Why? In reality he matched her sense of self value more than I did. I should take it as a compliment because her self esteem started out in the gutter and went down from there. Plus she was in a different state, so proximity played a part.
  How did I take it at the time. Not well. Remember, I still had the “you can’t have it” programming going full force. That meant that when I got it by a “fluke” I had to hold on for everything I was worth and if I lost it, I’d probably never have another “fluke”. I took her back after it didn’t work out with the homeless dude. And a couple of times after that too because of that. She took a bit of sadistic pleasure in yo-yoing me because she had figured out that she had the power too.
  I obsessed and caused myself pain over that for a long time after it was over.
  #2 was really even more of a mess. She got her amusement, validation, whatever by proving that she had power over guys. She wasn’t good enough at it to do it without letting them get the goods. She set me and this other guy who she only sees once. a year up for a conflict.
  She chose him, which was kind of pre destined and I had the same reaction, but more so because it was the second time that more or less the same pattern had played out.

• Thats why the thought of that guy becoming more than just a playmate is messing with me so much. Especially now that my relationship with my wife has become better than it’s ever been.
  It’s not going to happen, and even if it did, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I could find another partner if I wanted to, and I could thrive without one if i didn’t.

[COWolfe]

• More thinking about why I reacted to what’s going on with the wife, and why I have been the way I was regarding relationships in the past.
  I’ve covered the “you can’t have it” programming, and the sense that I had (subconsciously) that any relationship I was in was my last chance because there wasn’t likely to be another fluke that broke the you can’t have it rule again. Therefore in any relationship I was in, I had to convince myself that she was “the one” and do everything in my power to hold on to it.
  That also made it seem like the end of the world when it did end.
  I spent all of the time from a month or two before I turned eighteen, when I got into my first relationship, to, well, the present day either in a relationship or in pain from the end of one and desperately wanting the last one back.
  The pain and obsession lasted until I got into the next relationship. I’d just kind of go on obsessing until I ran into the next one.
  Then I’d transfer all of my subconscious Surety that this one was my last chance so she has to be “the one” onto her, and the cycle would repeat.
  Part of the problem was the scarcity mindset I just went into. Another was not only did I not know how to heal from that kind of emotional wound, but I wasn’t able to even begin to stop the bleeding. I simply didn’t know how, or even believe it was possible. That caused a kind of self fulfilling prophecy in that thinking I was stuck in an emotional state actually kept me there long term.
  I hate to say it, but I didn’t really have the concept that the emotions I’m feeling right now will change in time, IE “This too shall pass” until sometime during my DR run.
  That is why I’ve always done my best to keep such tight control over my feelings.
  You can read that as completely and totally suppress my feelings. I was, and to an extent still am afraid that I will be permanently stuck in the state I am in if I let go of that control and let myself feel strong emotions. That is stupid of course.
  There are a number of reasons for that. First and foremost is that my father lost the ability to emotionally regulate himself around the time my mom divorced him when I was about five.
  That both set the example for me being unable to regulate myself, and it forced me to act as his emotional control. When he flipped out, which he did at the slightest problem, I had to make sure everything turned out ok. That meant that I had to be able to regulate myself completely in the face of his rage, panic, despair, and everything. I didn’t know how of course, not in a healthy way. The only thing I could do was just shove it down by raw force.
  That became a habit in time, and an ingrained survival instinct in more time as dysfunctional as it was. The only way I knew of to deal with negative emotions was to stuff them down and ignore them. That’s why I had no ability to heal or get past it. I’d never learned.
  The effect that this had on my love life was that I never had any time when I was OK between relationships.

[COWolfe]

       **9/12/22 STAGE 1 CYCLE 2 WEEK 3**

• I think that I’ve made peace with the fact that my wife is making use of our open relationship. It doesn’t feel as bad anymore. Though Khan has had me on such a roller coaster that I can’t be sure that I’m not going to be enraged about it again tomorrow. This is a rough program.

• I dropped all of the restrictions that I’d placed on it. I had set out a bunch of rules and insisted that I had a right to call a stop to it at any time.
  Thing is, that for the previous twenty years when I had insisted on it being an open relationship, she didn’t try to do that to me. Not that I’d have let her.
  While this program is about dominance, I’ve been thinking a lot about what that means to me, and what kind of dominance I want to have. What Alpha means to me (though I fit more of the sigma archetype being kind of a loner) and what kind of man I want this to help me become.
  I’ve decided that it is most definitely not the kind of wannabe alpha who uses coercive power on his partner of twenty years out of a panic reaction.
  I thought of what I do want and a man I know who embodies it. He is a very large and physically powerful man, but he doesn’t directly use intimidation much. He doesn’t have to. He simply has that presence that makes people do what he says without a second thought and without feeling any kind of resentment toward him. He is likable and instantly respected without the slightest effort.
  As far as women go, I want to be the type of guy who has the singular focus of at least one woman, enough so that she doesn’t mind sharing him, but doesn’t want to stray herself.
  I am obviously not that man now. That is my fault. If I want to get there, I will need to do a lot of work on myself, but that is what this journey is for.

• As to the fear I was feeling. What is the worst thing that can happen? I’ve been told that these open relationships often end badly for the man, and I’ve definitely heard the horror stories. But, if she decides to leave, it isn’t the end of the world. I can either find a new partner, or live an awesome life without one.

[COWolfe]

• I feel more at peace now. Or I did until I ran my loops tonight. Now there’s this sense that there is something brewing under the surface. I’m not sure what exactly it is, just kind of a feeling of tension that I haven’t focused on anything, and at this point I’m not able to determine what’s causing it. Something is going on under the hood.

• I do have a feeling that I need to move something forward. Anything really. I have been stagnant on the career front for the last five years, and I don’t know that this is the right time to change that. My efforts to move that forward have all been frustrated for that time, and I’m no longer sure that I want to be in the career field that I spent so long trying to break into. I have only the one marketable skill set, but that field and anything adjacent to it put major restrictions on how I can look, what I can do because of the weird schedules, and generally hamper the non work aspects of my life. I don’t know that it’s worth it anymore.
  That means that I’ll have to find something else I can be doing that pays as much money, and doesn’t have those problems. I have no idea what that would be.

[COWolfe]

• For a while now, I’ve noticed that I am a lot more likely to just say Hi to people, especially women as I walk past them. That is not something I ever used to do. It has lead to a couple of short conversations.
  I’ve also noticed that my voice has changed. It has more variance to it. More life in it. It also sounds deeper and more resonant to me.

• I’m feeling a bit hopeless today. Not in a majorly distressing way, just kind of empty and without anything I feel like aiming for. Maybe I’ve just had as much of the emotional roller coaster as I’m capable of handling and my subconscious has put me into shutdown until I can process or rest, or whatever the hell I need to do.
  That makes sense considering my washout week is fast approaching.

• I’ve definitely decided that my best course of action on the sex life front is going to be to get one in the win column as quickly as I can by whatever means I need to.
  This may not sound flattering, but i think it’s important that I start building my confidence in my ability to make it happen as soon as I can before some of the negative feedback I’ve been getting digs me into a hole.
  Maybe negative feedback isn’t the right way to put that. It’s more like lack of positive feedback compared to what the wife is getting.
  I really shouldn’t be taking it that way, by nature this whole thing is a hell of a lot easier for women than it is for men. But deep down I am a bit. It’s a bit frustrating that we join a couples dating site (best way I can describe that) and all we get are a parade of single males.
  So here is what I need to do. Find the most efficient place to meet the type of women who would be willing to hook up with me either immediately or nearly immediately. (Short of paying for it, that doesn’t count)
  I am willing to be a bit more flexible on looks than I normally would be. The only restriction there is she has to be attractive enough that she can turn me on.
  I have tried online stuff before, but have had no success in this millennium. I don’t discount trying again, but I have had much better results in person. Not sure where I should start.

[COWolfe]

• I was watching something on YouTube about outlaw motorcycle clubs. That brought to mind another thing that I have that same notion of “you can’t have it” with.
  Now, I don’t want to be in an outlaw club. Im no one precentor and don’t like partying as hard as they do. However, what I do want and have that “you can’t have it” mental block on. That is being part of something, being accepted into something, exclusive and in some way admirable. To be accepted into some kind of elite inner circle and be treated like one of their own.
  That is why I tried to get into a certain career field for as long as I did, and why it still bothers me deeply that I never made it.

[COWolfe]

• I hope I’m not speaking too soon, but I think I’m through the worst of stage one. Things have felt smoother these last couple days. There are still some rough feelings, so the job isn’t done just yet, but I’m not going through nearly the hell I was a while ago so I think I’m over the hump.

• I’ve successfully gone to the gym every day this week as soon as I woke up. I’m on the Bigger Stronger Leaner program and doing the five day a week version. That means I have short workouts. I’m liking it so far. It’s very organized, and while it is about improving looks, what you focus on is adding weight to the bar every week. That gives me a measurable goal to work on all the time, and I think that is helping my mental state.

[COWolfe]

• I had a food delivery driver pull up to my post today with something for one of my coworkers.
  She was cute, and I’m sure less than half my age. I didn’t have any intent of hitting on her or anything, but there was definitely something different about how I interacted with her. Much more socially confident, and the changes in my voice, which I’ve been noticing were amazing. Eye contact, whole nine yards. Then I saw that she was wearing a rather unique piece of jewelry and commented on it.
  That shows some new skills on my part. And a lot more comfort. We’re already getting there.

• With only one week of hitting the gym, I noticed that I already look better this morning.

[COWolfe]

         **9/19/22 STAGE 1 CYCLE 2 WEEK 4**
         **WASHOUT WEEK #2**

• I did my second day one workout this morning. I showed significant strength improvement on all of my lifts. Really significant. The weight that felt hard last week on the bench was damn easy to bang out my six reps with on the first set, and I ended adding twenty pounds to my workout weight by the last set. I feel accomplished this morning.