- This is a difficult one to write. Yesterday I received an email from an agency that I had applied to quite a few times in the past. I didn’t even recall having an active app in with them.
It was the standard rejection letter, except that it included a line that said something like “at no time in the foreseeable future will you be eligible for hire with this agency”.
I don’t know why this is the case, and of course they’ll never answer a question about it so I have no way of knowing.
That really was a sign for me. Writing on the wall that I should have read years ago, but refused to. I’ve been trying to get into this field of work for many years. I have spent so much time and effort on it. Caused myself so much anxiety and stress, and given up how I wanted to look and some aspects of how I wanted to live to do it.
It’s not going to happen. Not if I keep trying till I drop dead. I know that now. I suppose I’ve known for a while and not wanted to admit it.
It’s time for me to let it go. That’s a rough pill to swallow because this is the only thing I’ve ever really set my mind to and stuck to. But there you go.
I can’t water it down either. I failed. I failed totally and completely at becoming what I wanted to, and there is no fixing it.
I am not being overly harsh on myself. It is the reality, and I have to face it head on in order to get past it.
I don’t know exactly what happened, but I’m sure that the “failure tracking” that I’ve subconsciously had going on since childhood is the cause.
It’s too bad. I think that if I had had these subliminals available earlier in life and started the intervention sooner, it could have made the difference.
I didn’t though. It is what it is, and my job now it to figure out how to move forward from here.
It is what it is.
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Sorry brother. That’s a very odd thing for them to put in an email. Admire your clarity and Stoic acceptance however.
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I agree with @Trader - that is really odd!
As cliche as this may sound, what direction might the universe be nudging you?
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Away from that field of work. I got the message.
Here’s the thing about how the universe seems to communicate with me. I get a lot of “You’re going the wrong way” messages. Like this one.
I don’t get any, or at least none that I understand that say “go this way”. Ive thrown too much good energy after bad into this already.
It is odd. It may mean that there is some kind of inaccurate info about me on some information system that I don’t have access to.
As far as stoic acceptance, I don’t have much choice. Too many people depend on me for me to go into any kind of depression or have a meltdown. So shift focus and onward it is.
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**4/3/23 STAGE 3 CYCLE 1 WEEK 4**
**WASHOUT WEEK #9**
- I’m still feeling a little weird after my revelation and decision yesterday. I should be sad, or feeling some kind of crisis. I did after all just give up on a twenty year quest and major focus in my life. That should feel like, well, something. It doesn’t. I do feel a bit sad under the surface, but it isn’t much. It was just time
I do feel lost. I took a wrong turn many years ago and followed a long road to nowhere.
Now I have no clue whats next. I’m many years behind in developing any other type of career. Where I’m at now is good enough for a while as I figure things out, so I don’t have any external urgency as far as that goes.
I have time, but I need to find a new direction.
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I’m kinda working out how to break into the field I “want” to do, but wondering if I wanna put in the time and energy it’ll take to scale the learning curve for it.
I have ChatGPT helping me come up with a sequential “learning plan” so I can at least try to self-learn as much as I can ASAP to get a leg up.
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**4/10/23 STAGE 3 CYCLE 2 WEEK 1**
-
I had a very good weekend. First off, I got my Harley back on the road. I haven’t ridden in years partly for financial reasons. During the time we were waiting on the wife’s disability I didn’t want to spend the money to get it registered so it sat. Actually, it had been longer than that. I didn’t really ride since my son was born.
And before that, I didn’t do it much.
I’ve owned a bike for my entire adult life, but since I started focusing on that career I wanted to get into, I’ve ridden less and less. I did a lot of things less and less, and these were all things I loved. The things that really used to bring me joy.
It was like I was denying myself having a life that I enjoyed living until I got that job. I don’t recall specifically thinking that I’m unworthy of doing things that I enjoy until I accomplished that goal, but in retrospect, that’s exactly what I was doing.
Well, I’m done with that. I felt great after a couple wind therapy sessions, and I’m going to start riding to work on days that the weather cooperates.
What does this have to do with Khan? A couple of things actually. First, it shows that I’m now seeing myself as worthy of enjoying my life even though I just declared the main focus of it for many years to be a failure. The old me would be self flagellating six ways to Sunday. I intend to do any number of other things that I enjoy doing. I think that I can now focus on loving life in the here and now, not when I get to some point and do something.
Also, it gives some credence to the image I’ve been portraying. The one I’ve really had since my adolescence. I’m pretty sure that part of what khan is trying to do is make me more consistent with an image make it so I’m showing the world the “real me”. -
I actually had a good time with my son this weekend. I set up an Easter egg hunt for him and I loved the joy it gave him. That’s actually a change. A very good one.
He actually had two. The HD dealership was having an Easter egg hunt for kids when I was picking up my bike, and the kiddo really cleaned up.
Also, at just barely six years old, he can touch the pegs, so it’s time to get him a helmet.
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-
I rode to work yesterday. It was fun, but would have been more so if it hadn’t gotten dark in the middle of it. Considering that I haven’t ridden in years my skills have stayed pretty good, but I’m still a bit fearful of riding as fast as I think I should under certain circumstances. One of them being when I can’t see that well in the dark or if the sun is in my face as it was this morning.
Last nights ride in had me on a curvy, hilly road as darkness fell. That wasn’t as fun as it would have been when I was riding regularly. I think that it’s going to be a matter of getting back used to it and I might be being overly hard on myself.
I’m taking the long way in because I’m just not feeling up to the combination of high speeds and heavy traffic that the major highways around here have at the time I’d have to ride home. -
The good news is that I’m feeling very enthusiastic about getting back into riding. I’m more excited about this than I have been about much of anything in a very long time.
I used to have this tendency of getting excited thinking about something, but losing the excitement completely as soon as I actually started doing it. Doesn’t seem to be happening this time. -
I just picked up the store version of Legacy of the Spartan and I’m running the first loop tonight.
I’m putting together another workout program which I’ll start on Monday.
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- One of the primary goals of Khan, if not the primary goal is women. That’s also one of the goals that I had going into this. Stage three is supposed to goad me into action. So why don’t I have the urge to go out and hit on girls?
I think I have an answer. At least a partial one. It is spurring me to action, just not exactly the action I was thinking. I seem to be taking action on making my life be the way I want it to be. Being the person I want to be. That’s kind of how it’s always worked for me when it HAS worked. If I do my own thing and go places where there are women, they’ll present themselves.
All that remains now is for me to find something to get involved in that suits my interests and is frequented by the right type of women.
I don’t know what that is at this point, but I’m thinking on it.
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don’t you have a wife?
If you’ve read any of his journal posts, you already know the answer to that.
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I haven’t. Just read the last 4
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oh nvm just saw the intro
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It’s all over every journal thread he’s written over his entire time here 
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some of us aren’t as well read as you palpatine excuse us
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I do have to re explain that from time to time. I can see where the confusion arises.
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As do I. It just gets kinda old fielding those questions. I’ll shaddup now.
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At least no one has tried to chew me out for it yet.
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It’s a great situation to be in, having a girl that allows you to explore that, open to sharing you is an indication of true love
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Like… I know some girls that would have a threesome with a hot guy, but never give their boyfriend that treatment lol
Actually that was my ex… told me about how she wouldn’t ever wanna have a threesome with me
we break up… a few months later I hear from her friend she caught her friend fucking a guy and asked to join in…
Lol I lost all appetite after that
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