Thanks! No joke I had a migraine that knocked me on my ass yesterday. So headaches with DR are definitely a thing.
Lesson learned over the weekend, jumping into the bullet train of a new life and expecting to hang on was setting myself up for frustration and disappointment. Set the goal, be persistent, and allow it to unfold how it’s going to unfold vs imposing some idealized version of it. My subconscious knows the most efficient way to get there for me. I may have only done one thing yesterday, but that’s one more thing I did than last week to bring me closer.
Hectic day yesterday. I was driving home trying to “let go” as I usually do. Then it hit me, why am I trying to let go of anger? What’s the worst thing that happens if I express this vs trying to just detach from it? So I just felt it instead.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed with things, it’s like a sensory overload. So my ability to process emotions isn’t as refined as it could be. But trying to hold them back for the sake of maturity hurts me more. I’m not having angry outbursts or anything, you can think of it more like the energy of anger and frustration flowing through my body without the outward representation of it.
So I learned yesterday despite all my meditation, my understanding of what fuels anger and the logical process behind it, sometimes it’s better to just say fuck it and feel what I need to feel and forget about the why’s behind it. I always saw anger as this thing I need to be above, probably due to a childhood where my dad frequently had anger outbursts and I labeled it as “bad” unconsciously.
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Sort of made me think of this as well. My perfectionism pointed at me as a person. Needing to only appear a certain way to others, needing to only experience life a certain way. I think for most of my life I’ve tried to intensely control and it’s blown up in my face. This is important because I’m very likely interfering with subliminal results as well. If a new territory is new or unfamiliar, I try to steer away.
I’ve been thinking a lot about why my life feels difficult and part of it is that I am not freely expressing who I am or comfortable with it. This is what causes me to drive people away because I think I have to maintain some projection and keep all the other real feelings away from ruining relationships. But that’s the exact opposite of what’s going on. That’s literally what ruins them, my inability to open up all parts of myself.
I’ve also realized that vulnerability is what provides ideas for music and if I cut that off, no more ideas. Making music I’m at my most authentic, but even then I hold back.
I just have a lot of difficulty being ok with not being ok and I need to know why. I know this is at least part of my stress. States of mind and feelings come and go like waves for me, I can’t control them so I don’t know why I try so hard to do it.
Nothing else on the outside really matters at this point. I can have all the money, success, relationships in the world but if I can’t be ok with myself there’s no point. I was lying to myself thinking it was my life circumstances that needed to change vs my relationship with myself.
Bought myself the astral projection/remote viewing training sub. When I was about 13 I got intensely interested with astral projection. Went to the library and borrowed all the books I could find. I never did gain the ability. But it’s always been something I’m interested in. Of course my young naiive mind made the mistake of telling a few people about it and that planted the seed of doubt.
I don’t think this will be too heavy on top of DR, probably complimenting it as I feel DR is uncovering more energy based stuff for me. But this is one of those non-self improvement gifts I’m giving myself. Something to explore the world more.
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I’ve noticed since running DR, all my intellectualizations and logic has limits. Some times I just have to hang in there and sleep… and some how DR seems to do it’s thing. It’s truly amazing to me!
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Yes definitely where I’m at. Trying to figure stuff out, but it’s hard to grasp and intangible. Almost like my conscious can’t reach it but it’s being worked on by my subconscious. Then my conscious mind is a nosy bastard and is hell bent on seeing what’s behind the curtain.
Two books that I’d requested through the library finally arrived. I collected on Tuesday and started reading Wednesday. One was about Astral Projection.
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Dude! I’ll be honest. I’ve basically given up trying to figure out some of the stupid shit going on in my subconscious. It made sense some how at one point, yet when it’s made conscious with DR’s process or magic… it’s just like “what the hell man?!”
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Right there with you. I think I’ve figured out that it’s a program or way of thinking that made sense at the time it was created based on my maturity level and information I had at the time. They just keep running in the background without me noticing as if life hadn’t changed until they’re brought to the forefront and analyzed though. That seems to be a lot of what DR does. At least the most noticeable thing.
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This is similar to my thinking mate!
The fuck. What the hell happened this week? It’s like someone turned everything inside out. Everything broke at my job for no fucking reason whatsoever. Every opportunity I got to rest from the chaos I just focused on a positive outcome and it only got worse. Finished off today, thank God. But I’m so done for the week.
A report didn’t print because the margins were set to 8.0001 instead of 8 and all our printers in the warehouse refused to print. Come on. That’s ridiculous. That’s like getting trolled by the universe.
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I find that since running DR that I occasionally have days like this. People start acting weird or slightly hostile towards me. Machines malfunction for no reason. Things get delayed randomly.
On days like that, I like to grab a German beer, shower, and watch some pre-1990s sci-fi movies.
Hang in there mate!
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That reminds me of the scene in Inception when they’re in the dream and people start getting aggressive the more the landscape is changed
Good to know it’s not just me. Feeling a bit nuts on DR at times. Like I’m purging inward stuff but it’s leaking out into my every day life.
I’m not running DR, but this week I had that exact experience. Well, it was a bit weird. On Wednesday, I had a day that felt almost laughably out-of-control and not working.
But at the same time, the internal things seemed to be having a meaningful good moment. Like it seemed that, at the same time 1) chaotic external events were happening at a heightened level and 2) beneficial internal opportunities were happening. Wednesday in particular. It felt like a very good day to stay hidden out at home.
I wondered what the heck was going on. But then just breathed thanks as I was able to say good bye to that day and move on.
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Exact same thing here. My job was an absolute dumpster fire, but I ended up releasing my first track on distrokid which was a huge step in starting to change my relationship with my music. I’m still having this internal battle of “is this really good enough for release?” but at the same time I’m really learning to just keep growing and move forward and to stop dwelling on all the things I’m not at this moment in time.
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I know that feeling. For me the next level up from that are the days I want to shower, go to bed, and hide under the covers until the next day.
That is a hysterical visual… as long as the dumpster is away from any buildings or other potentially flammable objects.
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Wait a minute. This just registered. You released your first track!
Hey man! Congratulations on taking that step. 
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Weekend was rough for me. I got inspired to make a Jungle track. Worked on it today and yesterday. But something about writing fully songs I still really struggle with. To be more specific it feels like I don’t know how to develop an idea. It usually goes one of two ways. I force myself to finish the song and it’s not terrible, but it feels like I should have added more to it. Or I have too many unrelated things in my track that don’t connect or I don’t know how to make it connect.
I’m getting better at finishing but sometimes I really don’t enjoy the process and it gets stressful. I honestly believe I just overthink everything. I’ll criticize myself for looping a chord progression, not enough variation in the rhythm, not enough variation overall, weak composition, etc.
Was listening to this guy, absolutely brilliant songwriter. Some people might not see the skill in this, but putting something together like this isn’t an easy task. This is what I mean about tracks feeling more like a journey and evolving. I still really struggle with that.