Dragon Reborn A New Life

Journals - Major Programs
#1

So I decided to run DR. I don’t know how it’s going to impact me or how tough it’ll get. But I figured I should try.

For anyone that’s seen my posts on here, I’m honest. Sometimes it’s ugly, not gonna lie. What I’m about to write here is also going to get heavy.

Without giving my whole life story away, I pretty much have a generational curse in my family. Genetic, psychological, spiritual, I don’t know. But a lot of people in my family have a common theme of trying their best, not quite getting there, and then settling for what they can get. Living with regrets, not living in the world but confining themselves to a corner of it that feels safe. I don’t want to live like that.

I’ve sunk a good 10 years into everything self improvement related. I don’t like saying it, but despite all that effort, all that work, deep down I still hate myself. And I’m not talking superficial stuff. I don’t let people get close to me, I too often let people abuse me or take advantage of me, and in general I’m just stuck. Even when I have some surface level respect for myself or kindness it’s fleeting. I can’t put into words this feeling of not wanting to be yourself. It’s lifelong, it’s been painful, and it doesn’t get healed by all the common stuff people recommend.

I’ve been suicidal in the past. I’ve never made an attempt on my life. But I’ve often just not wanted to exist because the idea of living seems more pain and effort than it’s worth.

These past few years I’ve been trying to be positive and grow as a person. But it always just felt like the core never changed. The part that mattered the most. All the thoughts and theories and realizations don’t mean shit if I’ve been using them as a way to validate myself as having worth vs grow from them.

My biggest goal with DR is to start living a life that feels like living vs an endless grind of waiting to get better so I can live my life. I hate the idea of putting more time into healing, it just reminds me of all the times in the past I felt things would be different and nothing changed for me. I am in some way traumatized by my efforts in the past that not only didn’t lead me to any relief, but they made me feel worse because it felt like failure.

There’s a lot I haven’t touched in myself. Things I deny the existence of. Things that make me feel so damn isolated from people I just don’t even want to be around anyone. And I’m tired of battling those things day in and day out.

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#2

Good luck. Consciously work with DR and tell it to heal yourself of these things. Experiment with DRU (as I’ve been doing).

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#3

Paging @RVconsultant

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#4

@Fractal_Explorer Welcome to the Sibling Hood of the Dragons :dragon:

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#5

Thanks man. I’m looking forward to everything that will come from this journey.

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#6

So I ran one loop after work today. I had a really rough week in general. I think that’s what really pushed me to dragon reborn. Sure I wanted all the effects of AM and UA and all the various modules in my custom. But why did it feel like I was getting the exact opposite?

After about an hour after that one loop I felt it going right at this knot in my solar plexus area. I thought about why I feel so much hatred for myself and it’s the simple fact that I hate how I failed to overcome anything in the past. For all my life I’ve felt different. But not in a special way, I mean different with how I fit in.

I didn’t grow up in poverty or an abusive household or any type of challenge like that. But I have distinct memories of just having the worst anxiety every day as a kid, every day, that’s traumatizing. It left me feeling like a prisoner in my own body. And it didn’t help when people treated me like I wasn’t “right”.

I’m glad I decided to run this. I’m definitely seeing how I wasn’t anywhere near ready to integrate improvements in myself in a healthy way. They’ve always been done as a way to erase my past or overwrite myself as a person. I was still running from the trauma and not healing it.

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#7

I can so empathize and relate. Right there with you

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#8

Did it feel like a rock? I got that a couple days ago. Weirdest feeling ever.

I can relate. I was getting some level of success on the results oriented subs, but DR is showing me that the old stuff I’ve always had was still under the surface.
I will say, be sure to take your time, and I think you’ll be pleased with the results.
Welcome to the Order of the Dragon.

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#9

Sounds very much like me - I could have been writing this too. I hope DR will be very helpful to you.

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#10

Yes. It had a density to it. And the more I targeted it the more I felt it actually feel like it was breaking apart. I’m not a stranger to body work like that, but it’s never been that fast for me.

#11

Lol the universe is testing me. Just got a text from my director to check on a server because it’s running slow for shipping. Nope. I’m gonna play some drums and enjoy my weekend. Not getting stressed out over work related shit. I work scheduled weekends, not this on call bullshit. Going to have to revisit my contract to see what it says about this. Nobody told me this was a requirement, this guy just tried to sneak it in casually like I want to burn my valuable time for the sake of this company. Maybe I’m wrong, but he can talk to me about it if it’s a problem. I have my day scheduled, I’m busy, I’m not glued to my phone.

This is the shit I’m talking about. Companies doing this when they know it’s not in your contract, but they try to guilt you or criticize you of not being a team player or a bad employee. When I worked in retail they manipulated me all the time with this crap and it worked because it hit emotional sore spots for me.

Seriously how is that I feel like the asshole for ignoring a txt that shouldn’t even be coming my way on the weekends? Communication is a two way street. I shouldn’t have to come to them and tell them it’s not ok. They should have approached me first to discuss why this is needed and if I’m available to do it.

That’s enough mental energy spent on that. I’m gonna enjoy the rest of my weekend.

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#12

Thanks for the tag!

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#13

@Fractal_Explorer

I think you are member number 35.

:dragon:

Welcome to the Sibling-hood…

Your invitation…

The Anthem

Dragon up so you can Dragon on!

:dragon:

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#14

Quick thought. I actually only ran DR on Friday. Had my rest days this weekend. But one thing I’ve come to realize is a lot of people deem what’s right or the way of the world purely by how prevalent it is. Or another way to put it, what the most popular opinion is. It’s important to remind myself that just because a large majority of people want to enforce some standard of living, it’s not my standard and I don’t have to go along with it.

When you’re in the minority it doesn’t make you wrong, but people will love to tell you that you are.

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#15

This is going to be my official first week of dragon reborn. Decided I’m going to do the usual 30 days per stage. As much as I feel stage 1 is important I’m aware of the trap that comes with my own mind of trying to get everything perfect or feeling ready before I move on. So for that reason I’m creating deadlines for myself before moving to the next stage. I hope in doing so I present my mind with some kind of urgency to make sure it doesn’t procrastinate on doing what I need to do. Along with the possibility of staying on stage 1 because it’s more comfortable.

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#16

I’m using Khan not DR but I understand what you mean. I’ve been running from the healing and its gotten me nowhere. Wishing you the best in your journey brother.

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#17

It’s so weird how so many of us run from healing when it’s the one thing that would transform our lives in ways we never thought or believed were possible

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#18

To me it makes sense. We’ve gotten to where we are surviving by building up shells around ourselves. Healing pretty much tears down that shell and even though we know good things would come from it, there’s the survival instinct that kicks in and says it’s a bad idea. Healing means uncovering the very thing you might be afraid of exposing to the world. So in a way healing can be seen as a threat to survival by the subconscious. Kind of ironic definitely.

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#19

Exactly. So much hostility and anger over shit people don’t know anything about. Unfortunately it’s way easier to make assumptions than admit you might be afraid or wrong

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#20

Last week and this week nonstop shit at my job. Fucking hell. Two weeks now I’ve had to pay for the sloppy actions of someone else working on a server. Needless to say I’m quite dead at the end of the day. But yesterday I had some insight with regards to my music.

I was hanging out on my couch, just trying to relax from the stressful day. I wanted to make a song or at least start one but I thought about it more and I realized I hate writing songs. So I changed my focus, I told myself I was just gonna noodle around with some synths and see where things go. Well a few minutes later a song started building itself. And instead of thinking purely based on genre I just focused on the pieces and elements of it and how they relate. That’s all that matters to me anyway.

This is one aspect of me that’s been difficult to deal with for a while. Everything has to have a purpose, has to be good, has to be right. In the case of writing songs I was a slave to perfectionism. It’s rare I didn’t feel like I was forcing myself to finish things. It’s always been stressful. And yesterday I realized I haven’t written nearly enough to know what to put in my music. I haven’t spent enough time nurturing my own musical intuition because it’s always been snuffed out by fear. So of course I draw a lot of blanks when writing songs, I too often get hung up on what’s right or wrong vs trusting myself.

I hope this grows more. If I can just enjoy writing full songs vs dreading the whole process of it.

Well shit thinking about that more. If that’s not a metaphor for my whole life I don’t know what is.