Dragon Reborn A New Life

Journals - Major Programs
#21

I’m feeling positivity for the first time in life, without feeling like I need to try so hard to wrangle with the negative thoughts. Don’t get me wrong I still have my down days, but there’s this inner support that feels like it’s getting stronger. I’m not like “yeah I’m gonna conquer the world!” But I’m not feeling those thoughts like I’m going to fuck everything up in my life and that I’m incapable. And if they do come back, well I’m not going to see that as a huge failure on my part or a weakness.

I know I have to make a lot of improvements in my life. I have to work harder at it than a lot of other people. And I’m learning more patience with myself. I’m seeing why my life turned out the way it did. But not in a judgemental way, just understanding where things went wrong and how to avoid those same mistakes in the future. The big one is definitely self hatred, for the longest time I thought I didn’t deserve compassion and sometimes I’d put myself into situations in life where I could play out that hatred for myself. Sort of like saying “See this is all you’re good for, you don’t get anything better than this, you don’t deserve anything better than this”.

And that’s the biggest thing with all of this. It’s not things like wealth, acknowledgement, or validation. It’s about my relationship with myself, which has always been strained. Did I ever want to see myself succeed deep down? Definitely not. But I’m working on changing that.

Bit of synchronicity I ran into. Been listening to a lot of this guy. Reading about his life it’s incredible what he came from and what he did for himself just by believing he could. Initials are DR, just found that interesting.

#22

Kind of want to run an Ultima paired with DR, but I promised myself only this multi stage and nothing else right now. I feel like I’m missing out on stuff, but when I think about it it’s more in the actions I take. And it largely seems like what prevents me from doing that is negative programming/emotional damage. So 100% of my efforts on healing for now. Giving my mind more to process won’t push things along any faster

#23

I’m getting visuals of my body’s energetic structure existing in a fragmented state. I don’t know how to describe it but it doesn’t feel unified. Like a bomb went off in there or something and scattered everything.

Aside from that, feels like things are getting pushed around inside me and hitting a bunch of walls or blockages that stop the steady stream of energy. DR definitely has a strong energetic component to it

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#24

Sounds to me like DR is working.

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#25

Very much so. This really is in depth healing. I feel a lot of energetic activity in my stomach that pushes out through my body. It’s not just warm, it feels like a fire like energy

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#26

Went for 2 loops today of DR. It’s intense. I’m being brought face to face with my fears and what stops me from happiness. Truthfully I’m fucking afraid of everything. And not a superficial oh what will they think of me way, I mean life or death. This covid situation has not been good for me, it’s left me in a bubble of comfort and my fears grew. This job, where I live, and what I continue to do day in day out is nothing more than seeking safety not living.

I’m just more dysfunctional and messed up than I could see. The problem is when you have circumstances in life that afford you that comfort bubble you don’t really see how much you’re actually suffering and how much freedom you don’t have.

I’m just going to sit with this, but I don’t even know where the fuck to begin. I’m realizing how much I never left my house, not out of comfort but avoidance of everything else. Like what the hell have I been doing these past 5 years except running away and avoiding things that were new or different. Just caught in an endless loop till I die. I think deep down I knew how fucked up it all was but I failed so many times to change it that I just buried it instead and hoped it would go away.

I don’t know. Like you ever just try to picture a better life for yourself and it doesn’t even seem possible? I have nothing in my life that demonstrates autonomy and free will. I’ve always been owned by fear. It’s so ridiculous that the idea of having autonomy over my own life fills me with fear because I’m terrified of how much more that opens me up to literally everything.

#27

I used to feel the exact same way. Not necessarily life and death but life and how to handle anything and everything. I can’t and won’t promise things will get better but work through this and don’t give up . I’m here for any support you need

:metal:

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#28

Once you get passed the fear and trauma a lot of shit that never made sense or bothered you will simply evaporate. Gone. Keep that image or picture of how you want your life to be and know that the person in that picture is within you. As fucking cheesy as that sounds

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#29

Thanks man, much appreciated. I feel like I’ve been through a lot in life and at the same time I haven’t. My struggles have been purely mental. Compared to other people it doesn’t seem like it would be that bad, but it’s felt like being a slave in my own body for the most part. So sometimes I find myself underestimating that. It hasn’t been an easy thing to live with.

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#30

@Fractal_Explorer

Sounds like DR is working.

Thanks for your input @James … as far as I’m concerned, @James is an example of the power of DR. Seriously, he seems like a different person on the forum… and in a good way!

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#31

Job is pissing me off more. Still not sure if I’m just paranoid or they’re trying to squeeze more work out of me. Hate that. The lack of awareness of being a cynical person vs someone taking advantage of me. I’m more inclined to think they’re taking advantage of me because I have a long standing habit of giving too much to people who don’t deserve it and if I didn’t go above and beyond to please someone I was a bad selfish person.

People also don’t like it when they can’t control you. When they see that their status or hierarchy in a company doesn’t mean shit to you. That this false power they’ve gassed themselves up with is an illusion and it only exists within the realm of people who comply to it. Had a moment like that yesterday when a VP got really fucking passive aggressive with me when I calmly explained I couldn’t look at their issue at the moment because I really needed to finish setting up this laptop for a new hire starting that I was given short notice on. So yeah I may be low on the hierarchy in your company in your mind and you think you’re above me because of how much money you make or your title but it’s all bullshit and I don’t care. You get treated the same as everyone else.

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#32

Woke up today and cleaned my room. It was a mess and it was making me feel like crap. I’ve been trying to clean it for weeks now. It’s not spotless but I feel better. Took me all day though.

All day I was thinking about how I’m gonna finish this song I’m writing. I had a dream the other day of composing something that was choir like and angelic, very out of character for me. But it felt like I was interacting with an idea that flowed through me. Sadly I don’t recollect any of the specifics of it. I just remember composing it in my dream and feeling like I understood how to write and articulate the ideas that flowed into me. I didn’t have that gap or wall that I always feel cuts off that flow.

I know for me music can be a very spiritual experience. There are some songs that just have this feeling of being home. And I think that’s more of a calling in my own soul to align myself with a life that’s connected with music. Despite enjoying it, it feels more like a temporary visit. Right now it’s choked and the bullshit of life is like someone stepping on a hose to stop the flow.

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#33

Might also be some reconciliation.

It’s amazing what you can do when the crap gets cleaned out of your emotions.

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#34

Really hard to tell at this point for me. But since I started DR I’ve been more inclined to go with my intuition on things. And I feel like it’s been screaming at me to leave this unhealthy work environment for a while now and I’ve been ignoring it and assuming I was just being cynical. The biggest issue with toxic work environments is they don’t know they are toxic, they’re so knee deep in it and operating like that for a while it’s the standard for them.

#35

Friggin peak DR today. Should have expected this with the two day breaks, they always hit hard.

I found myself in the middle of an emotional storm today. At the heart of it was having the inability to accept love from others and the constant feeling like I’m just a burden to people. Not being able to connect with people on deeper emotionally honest levels without getting afraid and severing the communication or just putting up a wall so it never goes there. But of course the problem with that is, I’m not with that person. I’m giving them a sort of projection that sits in front of me. Sometimes when I interact with others it can even feel like I’m in third person watching what I’m doing.

It’s that moment that I realized maybe I’m not actually seeing the truth of reality with others when it comes to relationships. Maybe my perspective and experience of it is so fucked up I haven’t actually experienced it the way others do. And along with that the years of me filing it away as no big deal was the cognitive dissonance of simultaneously wanting deeper relationships but being too afraid of them.

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#36

Hang in there. When I start having this, I take a few days off.

Sanguine Ultima might be another option.

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#37

Thanks. As painful as it felt, it also drove me to practice more self compassion for myself. When I start feeling bad about myself now, I focus on doing the opposite of what I’ve been doing for years which is kicking myself when I’m already down. It’s not always easy, there’s always a part of me that says it’s bullshit and I don’t deserve it, but I try anyway.

I do have SanguineU. But I almost don’t want to run it because I don’t want it to smooth over these feelings. I feel like these are important things for me to acknowledge and understand on an emotional level. Not just being past it, but understanding in the middle of emotional storms like this it’s ok. That’s another part of me that has caused unnecessary suffering for years. This perfectionism that’s divided my emotional states into good or bad. Intellectually I understand there is no good or bad emotion, but emotionally there’s a very strong resistance to being ok with some things when they come up. So it’s one thing to be in emotional pain, but it’s another to condemn yourself for a normal human experience.

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#38

Great!

Wait! What happened to self-compassion? I thought compassion was about alleviating suffering.

Also I’d like to point out modules called Inner Voice and Gratitude Embodiment at the Q store.

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#39

Shit man you’re right, thanks. I shouldn’t be subjecting myself to more pain. It’s not the pain that causes growth, it’s the healing from it. And I guess deep down on some level I feel an internal resistance to making things easier for myself.

I actually had inner voice in my latest custom and gratitude in the one before that. They both helped a lot. I’m looking forward to returning to my custom once I’m done with DR.

Still a lot of stuff to unravel in my mind as far as compassion towards myself goes. But I will be listening to SanguineU moving forward to help me get through all this.

Maybe I should cut back on the loops as well if 2 is too much.

#40

Yeah if this weekend was anything to go by 2 might be too much. Trying to reach the healing finish line, meanwhile I’ve got 3 other stages after this. I have to chill. I will put myself through a lot of emotional pain if I let myself under the wrong assumption that it means faster growth. It’s a bad habit of mine. And yes it does stem from lack of compassion for myself, not strength. Because I have a tendency to want to be “better” vs healed. Sort of saying “Fuck your emotional needs, get over yourself and stop being so dysfunctional”

There’s this mistaken belief inside me that if I try hard enough or subject myself to re-experiencing emotional pain enough I can transcend everything I struggle with. But the real message seems to be wanting to escape these things as fast as possible because I have unresolved shame over it.