Well this is a load of BS. This is my pseudo zen states I get in. The ones that have caused me headaches for years because I refuse to acknowledge emotions. What am I afraid of feeling? Or moreso why am I afraid of being anything less than 100% put together? I keep waiting for this fictional state of completion. That’s been my whole life. I’m beginning to realize it’s really just a projection of my deepest insecurities out into the future. Like one day I’ll be this, so I don’t have to concern myself with what’s actually going on in my own mind. But what’s currently going on IS me. It’s always been me. That future projected self is just a desire to escape pain or things I’m uncomfortable with.
Having said that I stumbled across a marketing course for music licensing and building passive income through music. It made me think about what Saint said about pathways to manifestation. My first step is just reading the course and learning more about it, then I’ll go from there. It’s hard for me. I’ve never actually followed through with monetizing my music in some way. I always thought “what if it’s terrible and soul sucking? What if I’m making music for the soulless corporate entities or media I’ve grown to despise?” And then I realized I’m just afraid. I don’t actually know what the outcome would be like. And if I never even attempt it, I’ll really never know. It’s funny because someone commented on the guys beat and was like “tbh that beat is trash though” and the guy was like “well just goes to show you even trash can make you money”. I thought to myself damn, what an interesting way to look at it. And I need to start doing that. Stop thinking everything I make has to be a masterpiece and is a reflection of my worth. Vanity and validation seeking kills music because too much ego kills music.
And then of course there’s the doubts. I can’t play an instrument. I barely finish songs as is. I’m insanely self critical of my own work. I think it needs to be 100% or it’s nothing. I think I have to be amazing at what I do for people to even begin to even glance my way. There are people out there doing what they love and having fun and getting paid and they don’t give a shit how good they are. Yet here I am beating myself up every day because I feel nothing I do is ever good enough. Am I jealous? Yeah and to be honest I get angry because I can’t be like that.
Sort of related I finally switched my DAW. I’ve been using the one I use, Reaper, for years now. And I never felt like it “worked” for me. There’s all this customization you can do, but I never followed through. Felt like a fucking idiot with everyone else on forums and stuff saying how powerful it was. I never left because 1. I felt like I’d miss out and 2. I felt like I was a failure in some way for not getting it to work for me. But I finally bit the bullet and made the switch yesterday. New one is very intuitive, it feels nicer, looks nicer, overall I don’t feel as stressed using it. I just wish I switched sooner vs blaming myself for not trying hard enough to get something to work. You can have all the tools and options in the world, but it’s pointless if it doesn’t aid you in doing what you actually want to do. And in my case too many options and too much of me needing to invest time and energy into setup results in disaster when all I want is something to get my ideas out as quickly and efficiently as possible. Not how “powerful”.
