Got me. I’m just making suggestions, not telling anyone how to manage their own life. He can take it or not. No skin off my back either way. It’s his choice to handle it in any way he wants to and only he can say when he’s had enough.
Th[quote=“remarkable, post:220, topic:7043”]
I’m getting fed up reading about it.
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Seems to me there’s an easy solution to that problem.
Listen, I’m gonna take what you said and think it over. Do I have issues addressing conflict? Yeah, I’ve always had issues with that and it’s being worked on. I’ve written a lot of stuff on this forum, personal stuff, honest stuff, and I do that so anyone else struggling with similar challenges can see there’s a way out. You might be frustrated with me, but I never asked you to read this journal that was your own decision. If it upsets you that much, just don’t read it. Forget I exist and enjoy your own life.
If you honestly cared about my well being and were giving advice you’d just give me the advice. But instead you throw in these weird personal attacks and assumptions about me when you yourself said you don’t even know me. And if you don’t think those were personal attacks, cmon man. You told me my ego couldn’t take working at mcdonalds? I worked 3 retail jobs before this one, I left those because they were equally damaging to my mental health.
I honestly think you have to look at yourself to see what’s triggering you so badly about my journal and why you felt the need to react the way you did. There are plenty of other people on this forum who don’t have such a visceral reaction to what I write or if they do they don’t express it. There’s a lot more to me than those tiny details you cherry picked and keep hammering me with. If you don’t get that or understand it’s fine, a lot of people don’t.
@COWolfe thank you for your input.
@Fractal_Explorer I have faith in your subconscious and that as you keep listening to your subliminals, a solution becomes obvious.
I’d rather not “get you”. I would much rather you came up with something constructive instead of “get a better job” boilerplate rubbish.
You used to be a prison officer, correct. (Hence your name standing for Correctional Officer Wolfe, I presume).
Did you never notice some of the inmates getting institutionalised? Did it never occur to you that the OP might also get institutionalised due to the abuse?
Well yes, I could wash my hands of the whole affair, no skin off my nose. Yet I am reminded of the parable of the good samaritan.
I would much rather read about him living a happy and fulfilled life.
Good.
Good luck.
snip.
Really.
If I had done an RV_Consultant or COWolfe would you have thought it over?
Indeed, would you even have anything to think over.
You may well perceive what I said as a personal attack.
What else do you perceive?
And is that perception real.
How accurate is your perception of you being emotionally mature?
Why do you think I writing just for you?
By writing my thoughts I get to fully understand them and get to see any deficiencies that I or others pick up.
I am also writing for the 90% of lurkers.
I am also writing for me, sheer egoism if you will, but also historical impulse and political purpose (political in its wildest sense).
But I am also writing for you, I would like to see you have a better life. How would you define that.
If your problems have been in every job then what do you learn from this?
What can you do differently?
Are you prepared to do anything differently?
I’m glad you feel invested enough in this forum to care about responding to others’ responses to what you post.
What subliminals or Ultimas are you using at this point?
Think of it as having an honest conversation. Something that is sadly lacking in society IMO.
Emp x3, RICH x1 at night, Lib x1 during the day.
Thank you for listing what you are running.
Just had a sort of deep moment of clarity with things. Shoulds are a terrible thing for myself. I should be more confident, I should be more alpha, I should be able to manage everything on my own, I should be more productive,etc.
I decided to work on finding an ADHD specialist to go to and try to get my life under control. Again with shoulds, but I always felt like I should be able to overcome all this on my own. Figure out a way to take responsibility and all that. The irony being by constantly putting off other help I was being irresponsible because I wasn’t giving myself the help I needed.
In the world of manifesting outcomes it’s always said to keep your eyes open for opportunities. This is probably part of healing for me. But I didn’t like it because it didn’t fit within my idealized version of overcoming these challenges. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter how I get there as long as I do.
Decided once I’m out from my break I’m going back to DR stage 1, but I’m going to be rotating with my really light music production custom. I realized my desire to move forward with DR was because I wanted to get back to productivity based stuff as soon as possible, I didn’t want to spend all that time healing. But rotating out with the custom will help me slow down a bit and not jump ahead further than I can handle.
Debating what core I want to use for the custom. Either RM, AM, Stark, or UA. Leaning towards RM. Have to sit on this one. But I don’t want this to be a super heavy self development custom, it’s just going to give my mind direction so I don’t get lost in healing.
Not sure if this is a bloom or I’m feeling worse because DR had a sort of stabilizing effect and I’m missing that. This entire week its just been non-stop fatigue and a feeling of not caring about anything. I’m just incredibly annoyed with having to deal with my daily routine. This might be because I’m working on seeing someone for the ADHD assessment and I’m slowly unwinding from that constant stress I’m under trying to be functional.
I think after this week I’ll go back to stage 1 and see how it goes. But overall I want to take care of myself and I’ve realized there’s a shit ton of stuff I need to work through.
For example I rarely acknowledge how much I’ve grown. In my early 20s I barely left my house. I have a lot of shame and embarrassment over that. But I put in a lot of hard work and self improvement to get to what? Holding down a regular full time job and that’s about it. I took close to 7 years to get to a state of living most people don’t think twice about. It’s hard to have any sense of accomplishment over that because the initial problem seemed so dumb and trivial.
Idk I’ve dealt with a lot of stuff in my life. But I’ve never honestly felt like anyone understood that struggle. And I’m trying to give that understanding to myself but I suck at it so I’m just left criticizing myself and where I come up short instead.
First I would encourage you to take a break. Maybe 3 days.
As you take a break, look back on your journal and notice how you’ve changed.
DR is a hard program. I realize you might feel uncomfortable right now, but from your journal I see progress.
To be honest I’ve been feeling the urge to get back to stage 1 soon.
But yes, I’ve been meaning to read all my journals and take a look back on what’s changed and what’s still a sticking point. Thanks for the encouragement!
If you want to go back to stage 1, how about it?
Yup going back to stage 1 starting today.
But first I’ve almost completed 3 songs which never happens with me. The solution to my years of struggling was literally to just turn off loop mode so it forced my mind to think linearly and fill in the blanks. Arranging as soon as possible is key once I have a solid idea so I don’t get my mind stuck. It seems like the more I listen to something on repeat the more I’m unable to break away from it. Really bad habits.
I wrote something last night that I actually feel good about. I did a full playback and it feels done/good enough. Which is incredibly rare for me.
Try out Qv2!
Gave Qv2 a test run today. I’m waiting till I run it at least a week one loop a day to come to a final decision. So far the familiar “heaviness” after running DR is there. It’s not bad, just a little slower cognitive tempo. Like bandwidth restriction. But I came out of that an hour or two later and didn’t feel any of the really heavy emotional stuff. Still waiting to see if it appears but so far so good.
DR was a little tougher on me today. But it’s highlighting the need to take care of myself more, which I suck at. Even though I perform ok at my job, I’ve realized I deal with a lot. And I always compare myself and my ability to function at work relative to everyone else. Today I told myself what can I do at my job so I’m not overwhelmed and stressed? What can I realistically do and what level can I perform at that will keep me mentally healthy vs stressing me out? Fuck what they need, what do I need? If I work at a comfortable pace and work piles up, that’s not really my fault. That points to issues with manpower and it’s not my job to fill that gap.
I want to leave this company, I really do. But I’m just not there yet. I’m still looking into finding a psychiatrist to work with. As much as a dislike this company, it gives me stability. And this is truly the only position I’ve ever had in my life where I feel moderately stable. Jumping ship to another company, with other people, and other responsibilities, I think it would be too much for me right now. Even if it was a positive change, it’s just too much. And I don’t want to throw myself into a situation like that and then self sabotage it.
I think finding a professional to work with is my next big step so I can at least get confirmation of what I’ve been struggling with for years and work on things with that understanding. Basically not constantly holding myself to a standard and expecting the world of myself when I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit in my life. I seem incapable of providing that non-biased treatment for myself.
On a positive note. I ordered a graphic tablet to get into digital art. Surprised at how affordable some of them are now.
Got some anger and frustration coming up today. It’s like, getting fed up with living a life that feels like a prison routine, but also not doing enough to change it. That has been a consistent flaw with me for as long as I can remember. Being stuck, not being able to just get things organized enough, planning, etc. And I think that’s more to do with ADHD than a lack of trying for myself. Because I do try to get better. It might not look like a lot to some people, but it’s there. My ability to function just seems very volatile at times and I can’t always count on myself to get things done.
Having said that, DR is helping me follow through with seeking outside help. I’ve always known I should see someone but I couldnt bring myself to do it. But I’m taking the steps now so that’s progress for me.