Well that was weird today.
First my cat steps on my keyboard and the number 69 is typed.
Then I get a ticket that a certain amount of pages didn’t scan, 69.
Anyone ever get that number pop up in their life? I’ve heard about a few users seeing numbers pop up, but also 11:11 type stuff, never 69.
Looking it up it says big changes could be coming and also related to relationships.
Here’s my thought…
Since running DR, I’ve had a number of times where women around me are reacting to me like I’m running sexual subliminals like PS.
Very interesting. My friend I was hanging out with last Friday was more touchy feely and giggly than usual. She had a bit to drink though. I’ve never seen her give me that type of attention before.
Maybe she was drunk on the Dragon. 
Thought you might find the process behind the creation of this album interesting:
Man that is super interesting and must have been cathartic. I think I need to have a mini session of that one weekend.
This week is one loop of DR. Listened yesterday and now I’m letting it ride for the week. So far I’m feeling more productive, more energy to get stuff done. Nothing crazy, but I guess I didn’t realize that 1 I was giving myself intense reconciliation and 2 I was beating myself up for not doing anything because of it. I thought I was just being lazy and not trying hard enough.
I found a free course on coursera for music production. Going to be going through that to see if I can learn anything new or maybe some mindset tweaks as far as workflow goes.
I feel like I need to be hammering away at my subconscious to change, but that’s a habit I have to break. The more I drive myself into a hole due to reconciliation the less I actually do out here in the physical world. I don’t really know anymore. Sometimes I think I give myself the metaphorical whip with these subs not because of a desire to grow, but because of an internalized shame of not trying hard enough. So I basically abuse myself in an attempt to validate my worth. It’s like “oh wait you mean I can be nice to myself and grow as a person? I thought I had to beat the failure out of me”.
You want to know something really crazy? I’m afraid of things being easy or me being good at something. If I’m good at something or my life feels on track I have this paranoid feeling that I’m overlooking something or delusional and I’m not seeing enough of my shortcomings. That’s pretty much been my whole life. I rarely live in the moment. Not analyzing, not being observant or constantly “on”, just feels dangerous to me. I’m worried I’ll miss something. This trips me up with my relationships with people, I’m too in my head, filtering everything I say or do instead of letting communication flow. Again it feels dangerous. I’m so focused on the 1001 ways I can screw something up or fail, that I rarely spend enough time embracing positivity and potential situations that could actually bring happiness for me.
sounds like Dragon Reborn is helping.
Glad you guys see it. I’m seeing it too which is really a huge thing for me. Usually I’m in a wishy washy, eh kind of feel. But I’m starting to feel better.
I’m gonna be real here for a second. Sometimes I think I do a lot of mindless chattering away in my journals with not much to show and it irritates me. I understand the importance of recognizing growth, but sometimes I feel I pat myself on the back a little too quick.
I can’t tell if this is a backlog of everything or if 1 loop a week is this heavy.
I’m not in a good place right now. I feel stuck in my job because I don’t have the courage or confidence to start over somewhere new. I’m also sick of dealing with people. I just honestly can’t do life right now, or what most people consider to be life. Conventional advice seems useless to me because it always circles back to the exact way of living that makes me fucking miserable in the first place.
I don’t know what to do, I start stage 3 of DR this week coming up. I’m going to continue to dig and push through all this. But I’m fucking lost in life. As much as I want to enter don’t give a fuck mode and not let the fuckery of my job get to me, I can’t and it pisses me off. Why should I hold myself to a standard that’s expected of me if I’m dealing with a mountain of emotional and mental issues? Seriously, just want them to fuck off so my mental health doesn’t keep taking a nosedive. This job is awful for me.
Only thing that kept me going this past week. Listening to this track and imagining creating stuff like it. That’s pretty much all I care about in my own life right now. Making music or listening to stuff that gets me as far away from the mundane as possible.
Finding and starting a new job can be easier than it feels in your imagination.
True but I’ve been trying for about a year now just to apply for jobs. I just keep fucking up in some way to actually follow through with everything.
I’m thinking this is reconciliation.
How is your sleep?
How much sleep are you getting?
More rest days?
Fewer loops?
What programs are you currently running and how many loops of each?
Perhaps.
My sleep has been crap for a while now. It’s an ongoing issue where I have anxiety going to sleep because I have to work the next day or soon. Just not restful at all.
I average 7-8 hours a sleep a night. I unfortunately can’t get anymore than that.
Right now it’s just one loop of DR at the start of the week and that’s it. Nothing else.
TBH I think good quality sleep and dreaming is almost as important as rest days.
What are you doing to help with your sleep?
Yeah I agree with you there. I’m meditating before bed most nights. Sometimes I’ll listen to ASMR videos to help me get to sleep. I don’t know if it’s so much the sleep being an issue but the sleep issues are a symptom of a much larger problem in my life.
I’m sorry. I wish I knew what else to tell you except I’ve found this custom Ultima to help with my sleep:
Dreams Ultima Core
Sanguine Ultima Core
Paragon Complete Ultima Core
Dream Traveler
Deep Sleep
All good man, appreciate you doing what you can to help. I might look into a custom ultima like that but lighter, seems like I can’t actually process that much and get easily overwhelmed with these subs with my brain.
No doubt in my mind I work in a toxic work environment. I’ve been trying to fix a phone issue that’s been ongoing, but juggling that with a bunch of other shit. The user is getting frustrated because her calls aren’t consistent. Well yesterday I overhead the CEO criticizing her for “not trying hard enough” and “we’re losing money”. Then I go to try yet another proposed solution for fixing this phone issue and she just lays into me, raising her voice, etc. Then proceeds to tell me she’s not angry at me, just the providers who can’t fix the phone issue. But people don’t fucking understand that your energy doesn’t discriminate, if you’re throwing that at me like daggers it doesn’t matter what you say. But anyway CEO treats her like shit, she treats me like shit, but I’m a responsible person so I don’t send that to anyone else. But if that’s not toxic I don’t know what is. I saw this shit coming a mile away as soon as I overheard the conversation. And people wonder why I’m hesitant to keep working on your computer issues, I don’t take kindly to being a fucking punching bag for your repressed anger.