Which book did you get?
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I did get some insight on why Iām often reluctant to take action on many things.
Everything I do is wrong.
Or I think it is very likely to be.
This is another thing that comes from my childhood and my parents.
My father was most blatant about this, but they both did it. My motherās subtlety probably made her worse, but it doesnāt matter.
What they did was to hang over my shoulder while I was trying to do anything, whether it was important or not and loudly point out every single mistake like Iād just doomed humanity to extinction.
He then felt the need to direct me through the minutest detail of every step of whatever it was like I was the most mentally deficient person heād ever met.
He called this ācontrolling me to successā, and there was the strong implication that he thought that that was the only way Iād ever achieve any kind of success.
There was no concept of allowing me to figure anything out on my own. Iām not just talking about important things either. It ranged to things like my own hobbies. Things where there were no actual consequences for any mistake I could make.
If I started any kind of project on my own, Dad would immediately be over my shoulder doing his thing. Taking over and ācontrolling me to successā.
The message to my subconscious here was that I was incapable of doing anything on my own.
This gave me a couple of problematic things. Fear of taking any kind of action. Partly because I subconsciously thought that I wouldnāt be able to do it, and partly because I feared in the back of my mind that it would turn into a miserable session of being yelled at and criticized.
That is at least partly where the extreme reluctance to take any kind of action comes from. -
I have also figured out something that I need.
I really need to see some results from my actions, no matter how small.
I need to see visible, measurable things happen that Iām trying to make happen.
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Breaking Free from Broke.
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- Thereās this very cute lady who drives past my guard booth most mornings. Iāve mentioned her before.
I have suspected that sheās flirting with me for some time. Sheās even said that Iām her favorite guard and a number of other things.
Today I was sure of it.
She said something about my hair, which Iāve been growing out, blowing around. It was mildly suggestive.
Ok, now what do I do about this. Itās been consistent enough that I have time, but I definitely want to.
My interactions with her are by necessity short, so Iām not sure how to move things forward.
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- Iāve been thinking about what I really need for things to move forward, and why Iāve been focusing on what I have been.
I need to know that I have some power over my life.
I need to see some results from my actions on something, anything, so long as my putting in consistent effort makes some aspect of my life better.
Long and short, Iāve never thought that I would see the fruits of any sustained efforts that I put out. So I was extremely inconsistent for most of my life.
I could go for very short term goals and succeed at them, but as to long term things that require daily effort and involve incremental progress, I was never able to sustain it long enough to really see any kind of result that I wanted.
Thatās because I didnāt think it would work.
Somewhere in my subconscious, I had the impression that I would put in all of that effort for weeks, months, or years, and have nothing to show for it.
Iām not sure about the whys and wherefores on this, or how it began. Iām sure that my subconscious is chewing on that as we speak, but this is a problem that I need to have solved.
Itās fundamentally an issue of not believing myself when I say that Iām going to accomplish something that requires more than a short intense burst of effort.
Itās not that I doubt my intent or ability to put in the effort. I know that I can do that. What I fear, if thatās the right word, is that the universe, or whatever you want to call it will simply refuse to respond. Will deny me the reward no matter how hard I try or how long I stick at it.
Iāve always felt powerless to make real change in my life. A prisoner of circumstances that were not exactly set against me, but too powerful to yield to my attempts to change them.
In order to change that, I have to demonstrate to myself that I can improve something long term.
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I still havenāt gotten to the bottom of where the difficulty with sustained effort was discussing came from.
I suppose that itās another offshoot of my lack of self belief that has prevented me from doing a lot
Of things throughout my life.
I suppose that Iām also afraid of committing to accomplishing anything and then putting the effort behind it. That probably comes from the fear that if I do that and donāt get whatever it is done, it will further prove that I really donāt have the power or ability to influence my world and my life. That Iām not good enough, not strong enough, and just along for the ride. That something else is in complete control of my life. That what works for others wonāt work for me.
I think that somewhere in my head I have the impression that so long as I can tell myself that I didnāt really try, I wonāt have to consider facing that cold hard reality. (Not that it IS reality)
I guess that you could say that I have a near crippling fear of confirmation of the negative.
And itās kept me hiding in mediocrity. -
As I said, I still donāt know exactly where this came from originally. The sense of powerlessness has been with me since childhood, but there is one thing in my life which has embedded it further.
That was my embarrassingly long attempt to get into a certain field of work.
To make a long story short, I decided to leave college to pursue that career. I took the training and started to apply for jobs while working in a closely related field.
And I got tests and interviews by the dozen. And I always got a thanks but no thanks letter right after the formal panel interview.
Every time. For MANY years.
Every time, Iād psych myself up and convince myself that this is the one. And every time Iād have my legs cut out from under me.
It was hell, but I kept at it because it was the one thing that I have ever really dedicated myself to.
I recently gave up. Finally. It is more than clear that itās just plain not going to happen.
I think that that did a lot of damage to me though.
It was the fact that I swore I was going to get there and I failed despite an extremely determined effort. Itās made me doubt myself on a very deep level even more than I did before.
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- Iām beginning to see the DR influence in this program. At first I didnāt seem to be getting the insights like I did on DE1, but now theyāre coming.
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- I got a really good budgeting app, and spent a lot of today entertaining the pertinent information to make it work correctly.
Itās a step and beginning to lean into the financial fears that I have.
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**2/4/24 CYCLE 3 WEEK 3**
- I think that the first stage of getting my financial life under control is going to be figuring out exactly where all of that money is going in the first place.
We may not have enough to get out of a tight situation immediately, but Iām taking action to do what I can with what we have coming in immediately.
I have a feeling that starting to take action like I have may speed up the manifestations and increases in income that will speed the process along. Itās all about taking those first steps and gaining momentum like the voices in my head said when I began this program.
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- I maybe might have found a way to lay hands on enough money to lower our bills and improve our situation.
Itās something worth looking into anyway.
Itās either a manifestation or one of those almost manifestations that can show you that youāre getting close to paydirt.
Itās also showing me that my mind is turning toward actually finding a solution to our financial problems rather than just kind of sitting there locked up with stress.
This is progress. Iāve trained myself to think that there is a solution to every problem, and apparently thatās starting to penetrate my subconscious.
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- Iāve been really learning how to use that budgeting app. Itās kind of cool, and itās getting my mind focused on how I spend money on a daily basis.
Mogul is doing its thing very subtly and Iām taking action naturally by slowly but surely (or so it seems) getting control of what I can with the resources that I have right now.
I think I can make us OK, or a lot closer to it than we were by just carefully managing how much we spend and when.
Iām glad to see that the financial side of this program is taking off.
In the beginning I was hoping and half expecting it to start with money manifestations, but on reflection, itās better this way.
If I just had a pile of money fall at my feet, it might have made my situation better for a short while, but Iād hve blown through it and wound up back in the same type of pickle that I was in before with nothing learned and nothing really changed before long.
By learning to make the most out of the situation Iām in before I have extra money show up, I am more likely to be able to really take advantage of the situation and improve my and my familyās lives for the long term.
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- As far as money manifestations go, I have been scheduled for some overtime in the next couple of weeks.
Thatās how it usually starts showing up when I start running RICH. It is the easiest path the universe currently has to get money into my hands.
I am appreciative of it.
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- I continue to do little things to gain control over our finances daily.
Tonight I spent some time looking for recurring payments that Iāve forgotten about and can be cancelled. Iāve managed to save us seventy to a hundred dollars a month just from an hour or so of doing that and following up on it.
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- Iāve stopped doing some things. I think it stopped even before I started FP2, but Iām really only thinking about it now.
I donāt remember the last time Iāve made a dumb impulse purchase. I used to do that all the time.
Iād see something on social media or somewhere that I thought was cool, and Iād buy it. I didnāt think about what it would do to the budget.
I guess I had poor impulse control.
Now, I never even feel all that tempted. I just donāt do it.
Iāve also stopped ordering delivery food at work, and I used to be seemingly unable to resist that. Iād do it several times a week.
It didnāt seem hard to stop these things. I just did.
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- It doesnāt feel like it. It actually feels perfectly normal. Like nothing is happening.
But I just realized, Iām accomplishing the main goal for this year. I am, but by bit, gaining control over my life.
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- I feel really good right now. After I had that realization, I got a borderline euphoric feeling. Itās a bit more subtle than Iāve had on earlier bits of tech, but itās there. Iāve broken through some kind of barrier tonight.
Our situation may look bad, but I no longer feel helpless. I made something move. Iāve caused the needle to move a tiny but noticeable amount.
I feel the worry about all of the things that could go wrong because Iāve had my eyes off of the financial ball for so long kind of being held off.
Itās still there, but I am doing something about it. Iām focusing on what I do have control of, and somehow I know that that means that I will get control of the things that are currently outside of my control before any of the bad things that Iāve been fearing happen.
This is kind of like when you are working on a car and you encounter a bolt that is stuck tight and wonāt budge and after a long time of working it every way you can think of, you feel it turn juuust a little bit. That means that it can be turned, and that little give is going to lead to more turning and eventually success with more effort.
Itās not futile. Iām working my way free.
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- I have an idea for taking care of the rest of our debt. Itās not a one fell swoop type of thing, but if all goes well, it might well make our budget livable and get the problems managed so life can at least be stable.
Iām delighted that some of the blocks in my mind are getting shifted and Iām thinking of solutions instead of just cowering and waiting for the sword of Damocles to drop and or something to drop into my lap to save us.
The upward spiral Iāve been trying to start has begun.
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- Itās like clockwork. I know that Iām starting to get somewhere with any self development when my wife starts to resist it.
She had some complaints about me using an app that helps to lay out a detailed budget this morning.
She got over them and this time actually opened up about why it was bothering her.
She said that when I just decided what we were doing it felt like she was superfluous. I kind of get that.
She also said that she was in a bad mood from MS exhaustion and the pain from her sudden onset carpal tunnel syndrome.
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Iām not sure just yet COWolfe, but I may go back to my Emperor custom setup. Iād been waiting on the new LB to drop, so I havenāt moved on the purchase yet.
Tonight I was writing someone here about where Iām at, and while writing, I saw where Iāve been stuck. Emperor and almost any other success sub bring up that old failure memory for me, and Iāve pulled off many, many subs when it came up.
That failure belief and memory has been my kryptonite whenever Iām making headwayāwhenever Iām possibly succeeding.
To be straight with you, Iām wondering if Phoenix and Emperor would work sanely for me in a custom. I also did the new Sanguine tonight for the first time, and that relaxation with it is encouraging. Itās a possibility.
Yeah, that old failure belief affects every single life decision I make. I either approach it, or more often, I run in fear. Iām just so damn tired of kicking my own tail over it.
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I seem to be doing well on it. Itās different with NSE. It just occurs to me to do certain things, and I do them naturally as breathing.
They happen to be things that get me closer to my goals and make me less stuck in life.
Let me rephrase that. They let me realize that I wasnāt stuck in the first place.
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