- I think I have a tentative plan for next year. At least as far as subliminal stack goes.
I’m going to run two customs throughout the year.
One will be Emperor and Khan Black. Three months per stage like I did DR.
For the other I’m going with Primal and Daredevil.
I might switch Primal out for PS at some point if I have an abundance of opportunity to use it.
That should get me some results.
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- I had a successful budgeting month. We ended the month with considerably more money than we started it with.
We did overspend on a few categories, but I also made some extra so it balanced out.
This is the first month that I can really expect to get through without any bank fees, so things are slowly starting to go our way.
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**6/3/24 CYCLE 6 WEEK 4**
**WASHOUT WEEK #6**
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Our air conditioning died earlier and we’re having a major struggle getting it fixed through the home warranty company.
It turns out that the dead compressor is discontinued, so we may have to pay some out of pocket to replace the whole outdoor unit.
I don’t k ow how much that will be, but I’m going to have to find away because the house is like an oven, and one of the wife’s MS symptoms is being very badly effected by heat.
I honestly don’t feel like complaining about it.
Even a little while ago, I think I’d be carping about how just when I started making progress something comes along to knock me back.
I’m just not feeling that way. I’ve learned that at least when I’m on subs, these things have a way of working themselves out even when they look bad in the beginning. -
I’m amazed at how much energy I have. I’m not feeling frenetic or anything, but since it’s been so hot, I’m barely sleeping a few hours. I feel perfectly fine though. Very mentally clear though I haven’t suddenly noticed that I’m able to do calculus in my head or anything.
I’m also feeling pretty calm about everything. -
I wound up doing a full fifteen minute loop last night. It felt very light and I have no sign of recon or overload today.
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I got a bit of a shock this morning because the out of pocket costs for fixing the AC fixed was quite large, but I had a family member who was more than willing to help so all is good.
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I continue to feel a kind of mental clarity that is hard to put my finger on, but is definitely there nonetheless.
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I got my motorcycle insured and back on the road today. That is definitely something that makes me feel better about life.
It’ll also save money on commuting during the summer. Mind you, I’m taking my life into my hands. The highway I travel to work in the morning has more than its share of the many moronic drivers in the area.
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- I made a very expensive mistake today, and I can’t stop ripping on myself for it.
I rented two portable air conditioning units until we can get our central AC fixed.
When they brought one out I thought that they had brought both out and I drove off.
When I got home I found the truck bed open and empty.
When I went back I did get the second one, but I simply couldn’t find the one that fell off the truck.
I’ve given us another bill, which is the last thing in this world we need.
I made a mistake.
Thing is that it was an extremely heavy thing. It shouldn’t have slid out anyway. So my mistake was exacerbated by extremely bad luck.
Which happens to me a lot. That’s why I’ve always been so nervous about making the slightest error.
The heat is torture to my wife. This was a creative solution that should have worked.
One absent moment coupled with one stroke of bad luck, and not only did it fail, but I have severely damaged my efforts to get things back on track financially, and it’s going to take at least a year for the consequences of that error to go away.
That’s one of the impressions that I dealt with on DR. “If I’m not perfect I pay”.
Well, it’s back at full force now. So is the self doubt, spontaneous negative self talk, and a lot of the stuff I thought was confined to the dust bin of my personal history.
It turns out that the subs didn’t undo the deep seated negative programming that I’ve had since childhood. I now doubt that that’s possible.
It just painted over it.
It did so very effectively, but all it took is one mega error to bring it all back out.
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- Come to think of it, my creative solutions to problems have historically had a pretty high backfire rate.
That may be why I have such a mental block against finding a way to move forward career wise. I know that any move I make is more likely to leave me worse off than than better. I haven’t consciously felt this level of self doubt in years.
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- I haven’t felt this bad about myself or life in general in years.
It feels like a massive dose of recon, but I haven’t run a loop in almost a week.
Actually, it IS recon. I didn’t realize that aside from exposure there is another recon trigger.
That is a confirmation of the negative.
I used to think of myself as a hopeless fuck up who also had horrible luck that would hit me at every opportunity I gave it, so I’d pay the maximum price for every imperfection.
With the long term use of subs, and taking some action, I no longer thought that.
Well, the situation I just described matched the old view of myself to a T. I think that that caused my subconscious to very seriously question my new self image, and wonder if maybe it had it right before and was only fooling myself.
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How are you today?
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Better. Still feel like an idiot, but only because I did something idiotic. You’ll get that.
Looking forward to starting the next cycle of DE2.1 tonight.
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Dude, we all do things that are idiotic.
I simply try to determine the actual cause:
lack of knowledge?
insufficient impulse control?
incorrect assumptions about the situation?
overwhelming desire for relief, and if so, was there something else I could have done?
etc.
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Momentary inattention. It was just at the exact wrong moment and bad luck capitalized on it.
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**6/10/24 CYCLE 7 WEEK 1**
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I’m running DE2.1 solo for at least the beginning of this cycle. I ran a full loop before bed last night to kick it off.
I don’t feel any overload or recon at this point, so that may be the way to go.
I do feel considerably better than I did the other day. I made a costly mistake, but I’ll find a way to deal with it. -
That self derision session was brutal though.
I think that I get a much stronger recon reaction from incidents where reality simply does not match the new vision of what is should be than I get from the initial gradual changes that the subs make in the first place.
It used to be that I expected failure, so these things hit me, but not as hard.
I thought I was a loser, so it really didn’t hit me that hard when my behavior confirmed it.
Now that I really don’t think that on a deep level, it’s more of a shock to my system.
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I noticed, that often, shocks hit similarly as before I used subs. But they last only for a very short time when in the past they would need days to subside. And even then they remained at a certain level whereas now, they subside almost completely.
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It’s kind of hard to tell. I used to beat the hell out of myself constantly for everything. This seemed more intense but shorter lived.
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I’ve been running full loops, and I haven’t felt any recon or overload so I think I’m going to keep going with that.
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I may have noticed that I’m reading a little faster. And there’s something different about how I’m reading, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.
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I started playing a brain training thing every day. I was doing it quite some time ago, and I haven’t yet gotten close to my previous performance, but time will tell.
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I was watching a video about organizing the mind. The guy got into what happens to the mind when you don’t have a goal that you’re working towards.
It kind of just falls apart into chaos. I don’t remember what he called it, but I think I’ve been suffering from it. I think I need to start by picking a goal, any goal to start to get out of the rut I’ve been in.
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- I’ve been having a problem with my company. We’ve figured out that there is a problem with our vacation days.
It’s pretty complicated, but tonight I had a very clear mental picture come through of exactly what is wrong and how I should express it. It was like all of the pieces of the puzzle came together even though I’ve been toying with them for a couple of weeks.
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**6/17/24 CYCLE 7 WEEK 2**
- I may be feeling a little recon tonight, but it’s bringing something to light.
I have been having a lot of trouble finding a new direction professionally. I’m at a dead end where I’m at, and I don’t have any idea of any new direction I could go and make as much money.
I don’t feel so much lost like I was describing it before, I feel blocked.
As in I might have a few ideas on what to do next, but there is, or at least I perceive that there is something that prevents me from attempting to make any of those moves.
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Stuck. I’ve felt stuck for the last seven years since I lost my last LE job.
I’ve had the same job ever since, and it’s pretty close to the top of the payscale for what I do.
That’s great on one hand, but on the other it means that I can’t just leave and go anywhere I want to.
I’m also not able to promote here because I don’t have certain qualifications that they require for the next step, and I can’t get them while working here.
I could probably get a supervisor job elsewhere in the industry, but most of what I’ve been seeing would be a considerable pay cut. At least to begin with. And at this point it would be very difficult for us to withstand and significant loss of income.
I’m not being hopeless here. I am defining the box that I’ve gotten myself into and that I have to find my way out of. -
I rode to work today. I felt really good about it even though I took the highway route that really caused me some trepidation last year.
There was no fear while I was doing it, and I felt a lot more adept than I ever have.
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- I’m in a state that, thinking back, I’ve spent a lot of my life in. Limbo. Before, I’ve usually kind of been waiting for something to happen so I can get started living. Sometimes I’ve even been working towards that something, but I’ve been in a hold pattern until I get there.
Now though, I’ve given up on the last real thing I was working towards and looking forward to. Getting back into the career field that I wanted to be in, and I haven’t replaced it with anything.
Now I just seem to be struggling, and not really that hard, to keep everything from falling apart.
And other than that, it’s just pure limbo state with no goal at the end and no sign of changing.
It’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s just, well, nothing.
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- I had an odd thought just after I ran my loop tonight.
Maybe my sense of stuckness, and the accompanying circumstances in my life is more of a spiritual (or magickal, or metaphysical, or whatever you want to call it) problem than anything else.
I’ve suspected on and off for quite some time that I have some kind of very subtle and hard to pin down issue of that nature. That’s why I like to include Immortal’s Blade in a lot of my customs. Though I admit I brush that off just as often.
I’ve done some digging at it with the help of some friends who are practitioners, and as near as we can tell, whatever it is originated during the time that I was in the first college I went to.
I was quite abruptly introduced to that aspect of the world at that time.
I’m not going into details here, but my “holy shit this stuff is real” moment was traumatic enough to lead to what was probably one of the most confusing, disoriented years of my life.
I blundered into the, let’s call it, metaphysical community in that town without a clue, and I was not well liked.
I still don’t know who had the means, motive, and opportunity to do something like that, if anyone did at all.
I have tried quite a number of metaphysical practices since with some success, but have always stopped focusing on it after a while.
I’ve done that with a lot of things.
For the last I don’t know how long the metaphysical world has slipped further from my daily consciousness. It’s become something that I just think about now and again.
I have the sense that I failed to find something that I was supposed to. Something that would lead me onto the path I was supposed to walk.
I’ve been thinking about that more lately.
That’s one category of subliminal I haven’t tried here.
Maybe it’s time. Maybe it isn’t too late. I am thinking of somehow adding Sage Immortal into my program in the near future. It might be the missing piece.
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