Chosen and Regeneration: ZP changes

Journals - Major Programs
#164

Day 4 almost complete. Regeneration seems to be executing

2 things.

i’m considering adding Rebirth Friday morning to CFW. CFW worked beautifully solo at one loop, but Regen is playing with my emotions right now. So I’ll wait to decide

I’m also considering DR when it comes out since I’m feeling a lot of fear and unrest currently. I’m just sick of having fear steer me in every second, and my memory of DR was it working on deep stuff, but in unexpected and non-traumatic ways.

About today, our head boss made a comment about me to another manager and I took it inside and felt pretty unwanted. I came home, ate, and jumped in bed in my work clothes. I wanted to hide and sleep was my outlet. i imagined Ascension making me feel more detached. I’m just sick of allowing people to determine my self worth. That’s a fucking emotional drain. I could go on and on about this since I do this daily, sometimes more, sometimes less. Regen brought it to the surface.

I’m also siding with Jcast’s recent comment in a thread: “Get over yourself”. I originally took it personally–and it wasn’t even to me. But sitting here, fear is running me. It really is. Tired of relooping the same old shit in life. Damn.

4 Likes
#165

Last day of washout.

So anxiety is a sign I need to take action? I reached out to someone this morning. I aired something I was afraid to talk about before.

Still feeling nervous since I usually avoid such conversations. This was the opposite of me hiding.

Regarding subs, I’m wondering if Saint kept that motivational piece in CFW’s Regeneration, the part that awakens, gains momentum, and keeps busting through past obstacles. Maybe.

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#166

2 things are on my mind I want to share.

First, I was in a poor part of town today for lunch. While sitting in our truck with another guy, I suddenly felt like I was 7 or 8 years old, when I lived in a poor area.

What caught me by surprise is that I welcomed it. When I was young, I had no cares about money and how it divides some people. I didn’t know I was poor, and I didn’t identify with it. We were just kids.

As I looked around from our truck, I felt like I’d stepped back in time, and I realized I felt comfortable in this area emotionally. I even told my coworker since our family had moved to another city a year later, and money was a social standard in the new city. I never felt accepted when around others there. People seemed accepted or rejected based on wealth accumulation or lack of it, and we definitely lacked. I bring this up since I’m seeking my own standard with wealth, and in the area I was in, there wasn’t a lot of posing going on. I embraced the freedom to be who I was, not to be who someone else wanted or expected me to be. It was very relaxing.

I’ll make a new post for the 2nd item.

#167

Secondly, I watched some Elon Musk videos yesterday which Simon shared in a thread, and something about Musk caught me. His self-importance and entitlement was really disgusting.

I wondered “am I a narcissist?” I’ve barely even known what one was. I googled it in fact.

  • High level of self-importance or grandiosity
  • Fantasizing about being influential, famous, or important
  • Exaggerating their abilities, talents, and accomplishments
  • Desiring ongoing admiration, acknowledgment and recognition
  • Being preoccupied with beauty, love, power, or success
  • An exaggerated sense of being special, unique, or chosen
  • Believing the world owes them something
  • Exploiting or manipulating others to get what they want (no matter how it impacts others)
  • Lacking empathy toward others

I’ve drifted towards some of these, but the truth is I’ve always felt pretty unimportant, even incompetent, which is why I credit and trust others so quickly. If I focus on you and your strengths, you might not see me, or how I really view myself. I feel like I make shit up a lot since I don’t value myself much, and my bs is all a cover for this.

That’s been on my mind, and I wanted to spill it. Thank you @SaintSovereign for making CFW. I’m not sure exactly what it’s doing, but it really feels nice. Like I’m more grounded and able to handle day-to-day problems. I’ll take that any day of the week.

I’m also unsure if I’ll do LB tomorrow afternoon, but I’m considering it. I’ll let CFW simmer throughout the day, and if it’s still cooking in the afternoon, I won’t run LB.

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#168

That’s interesting. Thank you for sharing.

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#169

First rest day.

I listened to CFW yesterday morning, then Love Bomb last night. I’m feeling just slightly off this morning, and since recon was described as a “crying by your soul”, I’m definitely experiencing this. It’s not heavy, but a slightly hidden part feels like it’s grieving.

I’m encouraged actually, since I experienced this same feeling when doing LB in Qv2. The intensity was much stronger. But old blocks and fears are actually being worked on.

Yesterday, while doing our route, my coworker asked me if I was going to start dating. I shared (rather easily) that I wasn’t opposed to it, and I’d actually welcome it. I’ve not dated anyone in 10 years.

And different for me, I’d eyed one woman, then talked with a beautiful Brazilian wife who came out asking a question. I actually opened the conversation noticing her accent, and her eyes were mesmerizing. I had no plans or thoughts to move on this since she spoke of her husband, but the feeling of her attraction stayed with me.

I’m mentioning this since it’s uncommon for me. I’m not even trying to steer it or control it. I’m just letting it happen, wondering what they’re feeling from me.

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#170

Rest day 1 still, using CFW

I feel like every time I come here, I feel like a little boy. Why the f would I talk about this?

I’m writing my own story here, and I feel I’ve been willingly handcuffed to some old beliefs, fears, and (mis)understandings from my childhood. I’ve lived in this belief system for decades, and it’s (not) worked. I’ve just danced around and denied it to myself, ending up in a daily confusion of goals, desires, and actual truth.

I’m writing since I’m seeing truths. This offers hope.

I ended up not liking myself and avoiding people who may say “just grow UP!” Bullshitting myself became my habit, and I’m seeing it more now. I’m seeing some truths, here and there, and I’m feeling them right next to my escape habits today.

I am home now, was sleeping earlier, but got on my computer, read some here, and chose to finally send my child support to my ex-wife. She asked about it yesterday, and I’d felt angry at first, thinking she’s just using me. (Yeah, I’ve thought that, even though I chose to give more than I’m court ordered to, and have been for years). I got angry since I’d like to trust her with more funds, but I’ve believed her to be a typical employee mentality of spending funds quickly instead of investing some somewhere. Just my personal beef.

And I slowed down upon writing that. I looked back at it and asked “is she really my problem?”

No. I agreed to feel bad and helpless around her since my old role was “she’s in charge”. That was what I agreed to non-verbally when we married. I always let her call the shots. I was the man, but I gave her all responsibility in our marriage, so I ended up feeling weak. I lived in a childish mentality, and having our daughter encouraged it moreso for me.

Where I’m at now is (considering, wondering, anxious even) about taking more responsibility in my own life. CFW is doing some good work, but my mind hasn’t been there. I read @Michel’s posts about Ascension ZP, and I’m attracted to it. I have fond memories of using Ascension v.1 and v.2.

I’m just a little fearful I’ll be HOT or ICE COLD. Yes or No. “F YOU!” or “Let me be your friend”.

That may just be fear talking. Yeah, I can see it. The old part of me, the same I was raising our daughter with, seeks no responsibility. Ascension will challenge that.

And more specifically, I don’t want to hate myself for growing up. Am I alone? I don’t think so. But that’s where my mind and emotions are presently. My fear has been (like forever) that I have to abandon myself in order to grow up. That’s been my main barrier to growing up willingly.

Tagging @SaintSovereign if he could use this in future creations.

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#171

Ascension could help you do that with the right people because (believe it or not) not everybody should be your friend. Why? Because Ascension teaches you to be your own best friend. Stability is key.

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#172

Wow. I needed to hear that today, seriously. Thanks for the reminder.

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#173

Rest day 2

I had some creativity mix with productivity today. I cooked a good meal, changing it up by adding more garlic, and actually getting some olive oil, an old taste and smell I found which made it perfect.

I’m listening to Christmas music. (Pandora’s Trans-Siberian Orchestra (Holiday) channel)

Listening to this is so, so melancholy. Yet…I’m still listening. 20 minutes ago I made a connection I want to share. Back in 7th grade I actually started playing music on a small coronet we owned, and since it relieved me of unexpressed and unspoken emotions, I hung on to it. I’d go home after school and practice my assigned music some, but in my head I was constantly playing along or creating counter-melodies with the likes of Chicago, Elton John, and REO Speedwagon. I’d figure out their key, and begin making add-ons to their songs. It was a beautiful, healing experience, and I know what aspiring musicians mean when they say “music saved me”.

However, in 8th through 10th grades, things changed. I was asked to begin playing the French horn, and I took the challenge. I found it takes a LOT more control to produce a desirable sound for someone. I remember having a solo part in 8th grade, and the emotion in the sound seemed to shock some fellow students, as I knew it was what made it desirable and rode it out.

But the melancholy connection stuck in me. I believe that’s why I stopped playing. I remember picking my French horn up about 4 years ago, a first in over 10 years, and I barely played before breaking down in tears. In college, I played for a scholarship, and even then I was still glued to a depressed remembrance of feeling unwanted at home. Sad connections are the main reason I stopped playing.

But back to today. I remembered me ad-libbing at home when in 7th grade, and that excited me. And again, I only stopped playing years back since all connections had been cemented in some depressed mindset.

And now, I’m facing choices–choices of associating it with depressing feelings, or of finding a groove in a song and steering it this way or that. I’m listening to a Chicago song “Does Anybody Know What Time It Is?” I swear they switch melodies and directions half a dozen times in that piece. Almost like Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody”, going back and forth with classical acapella, rock, and back to it, in different keys. But both groups made it work beautifully.

I’m still figuring out why this is important to me. It’s linking to some old decisions where I got stuck. Being willing to face those truths are why songs are touching me now. Because at 12 years old and without guidance, I didn’t make good the best long-term decisions. I almost failed the 7th grade.

2 Likes
#174

I’m feeling something, something I haven’t felt in a long time.

I connected to music as a way (and desire) to connect with others. Speaking my emotions growing up was simply…not allowed. Mom didn’t do it, and me or my brothers expressing ourselves made her feel threatened, so she’d shut us down with fear and shame. She was an alcoholic raising 3 boys and one girl, my younger sister.

So, music was my one way of connecting to others. What I really wanted was a healthy connection to my mom, an honest one. It never happened. I felt numb in my early 20’s trying to face life, feeling unwanted.

On a connected point, I just PM’d Voytek since he shared Wanted had cleared his old traumas of being unwanted. He shared DR never even touched that. I searched his Wanted journal and didn’t find any sharings, so I asked if he’d journaled it.

I found this quote below, but this wasn’t the same one I’m referring to above.

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#175
#176

I also ran Ascension ZP tonight. I look forward to it kicking in. The aura, confidence, gait, body language, everything. I’m remembering specific moments here of when I was using v.1.

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#177

I’m putting this here for the record. ZP gave me a reality shift today. Wow!!

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#178

Rest Day 2

I just feel GOOD this morning. Real good.

And I’m smiling since my old thoughts are rising up trying to undo it. F that. Hell no. Me being in control of me is AWESOME. It’s like I want to seek out good things today. It feeds me so much.

Yesterday, at the end of our route, my coworker spoke of wanting to work with me again today. This guy works his ass off, yet he’s been paired with a guy who chronically complains about anything. My coworker showed it’s wearing on him. I’d love to work with him again, but it’s never in my hands. I’ll probably have a laugh with him before any of us head out this morning. He’s a humorous Haitian guy who says I owe him money, for everything, like taking piss breaks, eating in the truck, taking water breaks, anything. I jokingly tell him he must work for the Haitian mafia.

Yesterday I told him I’ve not received his billing statement yet :rofl:

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#179

End of 2nd rest day

I’ve felt a bit of sadness this evening. And I keep looking for some “lie” to keep me from admitting truths to others. And to myself.

The truth is that I’m sad. I feel like a stranger to myself, and that hurts. And I’m doing this. The power I possess showed up last night in ZP, and it showcased something I’m doing. I’m not comfortable sharing it.

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#180

Listening to CFW currently. I have Ascension stacked right behind it. I’m testing to see if it’ll be overload or not.

I’m finding myself trying to acclimate to being in control of myself. I’m doing this because:

I’ve pushed my own responsibilities into others’ hands the vast majority of my life. It was “easy” when younger, and a game for me. I’d play games to have my brothers pick up things I was responsible for. I see I still use this in subtle ways at work when duties are difficult. And I’m not comfortable seeing this. I usually hide it from myself being busy or some “worthy” reason. Yeah.

I use it since it allows me to feel young. Like a kid. And being watched out for. I treasured that when younger, always seeking that spot in relationships. I felt important, protected, cared for.

Those aren’t bad desires. But…I use subtle guilt to maniupulate others to do what I want. That’s what’s bothering me. Keeping secrets. Using subtle manipulation to get what I want. I saw that last night and felt sad since the right way is over here, clearly seen. But I’ve been doing the immoral thing (to me) all my life.

And I’m used to feeling helpless over changing it. Telling on myself (more), I’ve tried it here. Sharing this is scary–but freeing. I see myself looking over an edge, which feels like freedom, but an old rock-hard determination to survive ignites fear of loss and handcuffs me back.

I’m almost done with loops. I’m feeling a bit of that perpetual shift going on in my head, so fear is being edged out easily. I’m not helpless. I’ve just been very familiar with doing this. I feel hopeful I can change this easily.

Leaving this. Loops done.

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#181

What I’m seeing, looking back, is that this was our family secret, the one I felt ashamed about. My mom acted helpless, increasing her drinking, and people would have to come in and “save” us from a situation, usually monetarily. And from what I see, it was all pre-meditated.

I owned that shame so easily. It was never spoken about.

And that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m feeling some shame now since I do this at work–and I sense this every day. How do I change me when I so identified with this? That question’s for me.

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#182

Wow! These are deep insights!

I was also wondering, have you considered listening to Alchemist stage 1?

#183

First rest day.

Something’s definitely happening in my thinking. I’ve got 2 opposing thought patterns going this morning.

First off, I dreamed of getting my commercial driver license for my job, something I’ve immaturely blown off out of fear–plus it’s kept the dead weight of shame in place. It’s been that feeling of submitting to a voice within demanding I shoot low and …eww…even play helpless so others would help me–mirroring how my mom acted a lot. I’ve always relied on shame to keep me from pursuing it, and the internal beliefs that have fed me have kept this dung pile in place.

The other thinking was me looking for my old ways, like I shared above.

Something’s shifting. I’m not clear. A part of me is still seeking that old way. But that shame isn’t so powerful, I think. Something’s different.