Chosen and Regeneration: ZP changes

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Writing this now, setting this up for tomorrow. And the future.

I did 2 loops of Chosen yesterday, and then tonight, I went and actually paid attention to the listening recommendations. For 3 files, it’s

o Day 1: 1x first ZP title, 1x second ZP title
o Day 2: Rest
o Day 3: 1x third ZP title
o Day 4: Rest
o Day 5: 1x first ZP title, 1x second ZP title
o Day 6: Rest
o Day 7: 1x third ZP title
o Day 8: Rest

I really believe 3 is given for exposure purposes, so tomorrow I’ll run one loop of Regeneration ZP solo. 3 days from now? Not sure yet… I don’t wish to attract negative attention.

I’m kind of down presently, like a very low-grade recon. I’ve had it most of the day–and it’s actually liberating. ZP is kicking ass on some self-delusions I know I’ve had.

Specifically, this morning, I had an attitude towards my supervisor after going on route. I read into things he said and found insults he’d held back… I’m not kidding. ZP caught me mid-day in my mental blame game. I wrote of him last night in the Chosen discussion journal, and I was not feeling good about it. In that post I’d added ZP was making me empathic towards him since he’s lonely, needy, and focuses on everyone else’s weakness. But…I deleted that addition. I was scared to admit that.

Midday I was driving, still looking for fault in him, and I really (uncomfortably) saw my mess. All those qualities I hated in him…I do. I spot it, I got it. And I felt something I’ve not felt before. I felt me owning it. Noone needed to direct me, tell me, guide me. I knew I’ve been throwing shit at him in my mind (sometimes here), and I’m just pointing at someone with similar qualities. I can see it clearly in him. Me…not so clear, by way of numerous purposeful distractions.

ZP. Triggers. And coincidences.

Last night, for some reason, I pulled a training manual out of a moving box I’ve not touched for the 3 months I’ve been here. It was a 12-step meeting’s training guide, and I opened it. Why? I wondered if anything’s changed in my thinking. Been running subs for years, so why not?

I opened to a page about common family roles, and I kind of looked for my known role: I hide. The lost child. The loner.

Reading through that small section, I felt sadness, anger, and guilt, though I habitually seek to neither know or express it. It said I often hide out in groups, say yes to anyone/anything to make things smooth, and am a perpetual peacekeeper. We just don’t want to draw attention to ourselves. Finally, it said the emotional fallout is they become social non-contributors, deferring decisions and discussions to others. At the very end, it made the point crystal clear for me saying we seek dominant partners to make all our life decisions for us. I’ve got an ex I still cow to when I text or talk to her.

Check. Check. And frick…check…that’s me.

I saw it in 3 different conversations today. Me saying “Yes sir!”, “Ok”, and “Sure!!” I even felt a twinge of anger when I said it to one guy–and I realized he’s dominant, and I was in yes-man mode opening myself to feeling used. I felt I’m in some habitual loop instead of giving any opinions.

But I’m not quite there yet. The main reason I don’t speak up to people is I still feel emotionally vulnerable when sharing from the gut. I feel unable to protect myself emotionally with most people at work (a childhood habit), so I say something quickly (mostly me agreeing with them) so the discussion can end quickly.

At this moment, ZP is still working in me. I’m a little nervous about Regeneration. But I’m using it since it declares it’ll go right to where your controlling trauma is and will have one face it. Part of me is like “wtf?? Why would you do that?”

I’ve tried hiding it from myself all my life. It just keeps bubbling up. Me knowing that old sting keeps me from dating, playing Jeckyl and Hyde with a woman’s heart. But I also don’t look for, or keep friends that matter to me.

I’m tired of trying to survive daily by stuffing my past down. ZP hasn’t scared me. I know I’m more scared of finally finding out more about me. The truth is much more powerful than lies I hide behind.
Truth there.

I’ll run Regen tomorrow morning. I want to cry, heal, whatever. And fear SCREAMS at me at the same time. I can’t keep on going like this. If DR was ZP’d, I’d do it tomorrow–it didn’t demand I change everything NOW. Regen doesn’t hit me like that either, but it does come in with clear intent. So, I’ll run it tomorrow. (Having fearful doubts writing that). Gonna jump off now.

Just realized I’ll build my story where there’s more and more passion…so I can play helpless and have people “save” me. ZP’s doing something. Not sure how to own this yet. I’ll go now. I think I’m acting like a church mouse all fearful and wanting to hide.

And it’s all a pretty familiar role. Regen tomorrow.

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ZP way of life for JCast
#2

The hardest part about recovery has been making changes. Not facing pain. Pain is temporal and can be diminished if faced as needed. --I’m in mid-sentence and am changing my story.

Facing the imagined fear and pain IS hard, but it’s all mental. Continuing on, real growth and genuine change happens when my habits and actions change consistently and purposefully.

Going out vs. hiding out
Calling my sis (for one) vs. finding reasons not to call her
Choosing some small unknown option (in anything) vs. following fear’s manipulation
Feeling good because I did the right thing, not the comfortable thing
A new thought: finding good in myself vs. looking for others to like and esteem me
Trusting some people, maybe just one initially.
Asserting myself so people know I won’t be walked on vs. playing the church mouse.

I’m finding it hard to write now since, just like today, I had moments of disconnect; time and situations were almost dreamlike. Feeling that now.

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#3

Chosen seems to draw good things in.

My crypto miner just emailed me. He wanted to apologize for his attitudes towards me in recent months. I’ve felt like I had constantly been saying dumb stuff–looking exactly like I’ve done with my work supervisor who I’ve written about above. I’d throw comments in sideways, knowing it would irk our relationship, me keeping him away.

But he apologized to ME. I told him I’m speechless.

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#4

I did one loop of Regeneration ZP half an hour ago. I realize I expected to be hit immediately with “healing feelings”. No. Not exactly. And not yet. This may take hours to bloom.

But what did come up happened while showering. I was looking for feelings, expecting them, but my mind went to our nation’s monetary system presently. For some reason, something I’d heard 2 years back clicked. I felt warned, yes, and Chosen seemed to mix with it and I felt more secure.

But rampant uncontrolled feelings? Not so far. My mind’s involved this time. It’s reassuring. I’ve not had much intellectual involvement in my emotional healing. Well, not involvement that was actually productive :sweat_smile: I’ve spent a lot of time talking and listening to people about emotional worries and pains, but I rarely made true headway. Talking was mostly a band-aid for the emotional pain, a temporary relief.

Unexpected @Fire. Thanks for including this one in the preview.

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#5

Hey man, based on your experience do you feel it’s okay for a relatively newer guy to run Regeneration?

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#6

@Zex, I think anyone could run it.

Where do you want to go with Regeneration? Deep stuff? Or common insecurities?

Regeneration will kick up deep stuff if you have it in your past. True to the sales page, it’ll bring you face to face with some deep traumas as it digs. Doing that is unsettling, to put it lightly. It’s built to have you confront some very scary stuff if you have any.

Some guys feel really energized and encouraged by it, while some feel a lot of painful stuff they’ve spent a lot of time burying. I think it’s designed to bring out your courage and self love since they are some of the only things that can overpower painful memories.

Today, after one masked Regeneration loop, I didn’t feel or sense anything being dug up. It may bloom tomorrow (bloom is when the sub begins to show up in one’s thinking and actions). But it’s only the first day running it, with a single loop.

What I DID sense was Chosen blooming still. Even now, I feel highly encouraged by it running in my head. And that was 2 days ago. I ran 2 loops. Maybe Regeneration will bloom tomorrow.

Why are you considering Regeneration?

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#7

I woke up this morning still finishing a dream. I was driving for work leaving a tight and tangled parking lot. I was going too fast and had to jam on the brakes for a stop sign. At the same time, a business truck who was trying to cross in front of me had to jam on his brakes too since he may have collided with me. I remember seeing his vehicle flying over a concrete barrier. I had been the reason he had to do that.

I rarely remember dreams, so I share this.

What’s really significant here is I didn’t feel fear, like I think I should have or would have. I felt responsible, and I owned it. Doing that left no room for fear. Fear is all about “what if’s”. I wasn’t afraid since I faced it.

I keep thinking of Saint and his past conflicts to learning subs, and how ZP is alleviating it somehow. My issue is being responsible for my life. That’s what I see happening in this dream, as me not being afraid and owning responsibility is quite different from my personal norm.

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#8

Today: rest day
Tomorrow: I’m very much considering going to 2 subs. I’ve not used Sage ZP yet, and the general ZP script is very desirable. I’ll do Chosen and Regeneration tomorrow back to back and stick with that.

I feel a little nervous right now about posting, mostly since I usually trim, cut, edit, add, and embellish my message. ZP is not coldly questioning my norm, but the need for change is becoming more obvious. It’s also infinitely easier.

I’m realizing I’ve identified myself as someone who’s got problems, and I often write focused on that belief. It actually reinforces the belief. ZP is first questioning me, I immediately react with an internal defense, and instead of me winning (if you want to call it that), my wants and desires start steering towards desirable things.

I’m not sure what’s working specifically, but something definitely is. I’m seeing my normal mental states–realizing I’m hiding behind some self-delusion to keep me in a familiar spot.

For example, I was watching some American Idol auditions on YT, and I was laughing and crying some with the videos. This laughing isn’t normal for me. I asked myself “why don’t I laugh more?” And I go down a rabbit hole feeling and seeing familiar defenses in place.

What I love is that I’m not really “making” this happen. I’m feeling pulled into it, and that’s awesome.

Also, during this post I’ve had to stop myself (at least 2ce) from steering into a discouraging, uninspiring ramble about ways that I’ve …blah, blah, negative, negative. I don’t want to do that. Some profound change…is touching me with ZP.

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#9

I’m sitting here after doing a loop of Chosen and one of Regeneration, questioning my direction. Realizing how “normal” old practices are. I’m lonely, and that’s what’s bothering me. I feel an energy in my gut and chest actually resisting my normal fear and ignorance of truth. Feeling some regret too.

Regeneration must be working.

But a minute later some hope emerges–unexpectedly. Feels like Chosen is working too. Gonna sit with this since my thoughts and feelings are see-sawing presently.

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#10

I’ve been inside since noon yesterday, feeling a little squirly now. Gonna go walk after sending this.

Maybe I’m mentally tired, but I am torn between …I’ve never aired this so openly…

I’m torn in my head between doing upkeep to having people like me (me cleaning my place today since my landlord stopped by; I was embarrassed) OR taking care of myself by staying in my own head. Like minding my own business. It sounds obviously easy. But I’m starting to see the disconnect I do to myself by constant people pleasing. I’ve not been so willing to please people this week since I feel weird, off, or uncomfortable when trying to play that role. I’m very aware of it. It hurts.

ZP is … a lifeline, truthfully. For me, and for others.

I read your recent post @Brandon. I’ve not been so hopeless internally considering ending my days, but I tend to dismiss little emotional hurts regularly, mostly by pushing them away or burying them. But sometimes, I feel the wanting to own it, feel it, and hopefully grow through it. (And with people!) How and where to do that is the unanswered question. Your story gave me some hope, to be honest, since a part of me has wanted to feel happy again. Thank you for your courageous share.

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#11

I woke up this morning thinking about one thing: self love. I’m learning what that means, even now.

I’m grateful this old way sought and seeks to protect me, but I think its time is gone. Something new is coming out. I’d like a changing of the guards. This is new, as I’m appreciating the work my old guard has vigilantly done.

This must be Regeneration. This is the first time there was some peace and cooperation between the new and old ways. Before both tried to outpower each other.

And even as I write, I think “weird!”

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#12

This is the first time in quite a while that I’ve read anything that you’ve written, and I really detect a different tone in your words. You sound a lot more positive. Like you’re genuinely seeing hope for the first time since I’ve known you. This is awesome to see.

Sounds like you’ve come to the same realization that i did on DR. That all of the mental angst I’ve felt since I became an adult was self inflicted and entirely voluntary. That’s empowering. Empowering because if you can choose to cause yourself pain, you can choose not to.

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#13

I’m glad my story could help you. I do feel happier after ZP. More in line and more positive. I hope it can do the same for you. You deserve it man.

I agree with this. And I agree with you saying that ZP is questioning you, and making you reflect. I had the same moment.

They say that ZP is like a ninja. It might feel like nothing is happening but it’ll sneak up on you.

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#14

Yeah. ZP has me very aware that I’m in charge of my choices, not “them” or anyone else. I just got off work, and I’m tired–all mentally–as it must be processing still from yesterday. I’m finding all my normal mental hideouts (or excuses) aren’t available or comfortable. Seeking one out (tried once days ago) felt like I was a self-harming teenager doing it just to say “I did that”. .

And that analogy is what I’ve been doing in real life before ZP. It never felt good really, but I knew it well, and I was in control. Self inflicted woe all the way. We’ve had similar paths.

Considering yours and @James’s journeys with DR, I’ve been increasingly attracted to it. Regen seems to be working on me now, but I’m wondering if Saint did scripting on it. Before DR was made, he spoke with Fire about it, as Saint would have just upgraded Regeneration. So, I’m wondering if Saint did some tweaking on it since all scripts had to be rewritten for ZP. Just wondering since I like the results presently.

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#15

Yeah. ZP makes it extremely difficult to BS myself and blame others for my self-created problems. Since I’ve been doing that so long, ZP is like gold to me. I love asking myself “what’s REALLY going on?”, mostly because I know the truth. ZP encourages me to see what I’m doing to myself and simultaneously make different choices. That’s super valuable to me.

I look forward to that!!

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#16

So true. I didn’t necessarily notice when testing Wanted ZP and Alpha Leadership ZP until days or a week or two later.
I struggled running Regeneration QV2 but with Dragon Reborn QV2 it almost felt like a switch was flipped at some point while running it where fundamentally I literally became a total different person
I remember when first started running Dragon Reborn St 1 that it was advised by multiple people on the forum to not make concrete plans for the future because it’s almost guaranteed that you won’t be the same after running Dragon Reborn in it’s entirety
I think of how I was in the past and I have no idea how I lived that way

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#17

I forgot to say that my progress with Dragon Reborn QV2 makes my both hyped and a bit terrified of what Dragon Reborn ZP will be like

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#18

YES! Thank you for that analogy. In my case, I was telling a story and for some reason wanted to cast myself as the tortured tragic hero. I think maybe I didn’t feel that I could actually win enough to be the victorious hero so that was the only respectable archetype I could be. But I needed to cause myself a lot of pain to fit the mold.
I think if I’m casting myself, I’ll go with the victorious hero whose been through it and come out the other side from here on.

For you, I’d suggest staying on Regen for a bit and then doing a full year on DRZP.

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#19

Wow. That’s an unusual fear for me.

I was considering writing, and my mind went to all the “good” stories of years past I’ve written here.

I became afraid since I’ve been dishonest with myself in times past. Some stories sounded good, but I wrote to get a reaction, like I was a reporter rather than a person. That disconnect hurt then, and I don’t want to go back to “stuck”.

That ninja stuff is hitting me. Running Regeneration now stacked with Chosen

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#20

I’ll share something, and it falls right in line with this discussion.

My very first days on Chosen something became clearer and clearer. I’d been doing subs with another producer focused almost entirely on healing old emotional wounds and such. Well, because (sarcasm) my life is AAALLLLLL BAD and healing is PRIORITY! This thinking has been my own for years.

BUT.

It’s like I was just living out the script I could call “me”. I had some form of identity with it. When I began Chosen, hope and joy entered me…and I LIKED it. I’m doing Regen now with Chosen, and Regen definitely takes more of the stage when stacked.

My point is that feeling good about myself is kind of uncommon for me. I’m doubting my aim presently, mostly since with Chosen solo I felt empowered, alive, focused, and confident in myself. I’m wondering if I’m so used to sidelining it since I see myself in your words, a “tortured victim”.

When I began Chosen, it was one of few times in my life when I intentionally asked “are you treating yourself good?” So, I’m wondering about what I’m doing now.

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