Well, maybe (Don’t think I’m trying to tell you what to do here) give the healing a bit of a rest and go forward into what you DO want for a bit. That seems to give you good results. If it actually makes you feel good, maybe it’s the best path for the time being.
Tortured hero. I was talking about myself, and just realized how damn melodramatic I’ve been in my own head all along. 
melodramatic? Me too. I had an experience today, but my reaction to it bothers me.
I ran Regeneration and Chosen this morning. I felt slightly mentally off, meaning I was aware some norms were being worked on, and so I quickly focused on my job when I got to work. I think they kept Unlimited Physical Energy in Regeneration ZP (or some form of it), as I was on the go from the start. These were good realizations. Work was a good outlet and I kept up the pace.
And around 10, I was waiting at a red light, and something happened in my mind. It felt like scales were falling off my (mind). Old pretensions dropped, and though I was vulnerable I wasn’t afraid. However, my survival mind was anxiously looking for bad possibilities that might emerge, but I didn’t really know what to do. It just happened. I even quickly came to tears when the next song started, and i could so easily feel the mood and emotions in the song. This lasted all of 5 minutes, but my mind kept looking for problems to justify my normal reactions I use to cloak myself from perceived threats. My mind usually hides me from possible threats. After 15 minutes or so, I even questioned if I was trying to hide from reality in the songs. Yeah, I was.
Sidenote: I play about 4 or 5 instruments but don’t play now since playing is associated with feeling very lonely and isolated. I’ve got 3 here in my room I’ve barely touched in years. I got good when younger since this form of hiding was encouraged and rewarded. I miss parts of it still, because expressing almost anything in music was healing for me.
Back to my reaction today. As if my emotions quickly drooled out of me, I felt hurt, nervous, and began imagining people being critical of me. My attitude went to shit, and I began talking really crassly to my GPS, which is a woman’s voice. I was hurling all kinds of vulgar putdowns since at least 90% of her starting directions point me the opposite way. I felt unsupported, and my mood was negative for a few hours.
And my mind is still looking for “reasons” to hide, feel self pity, and God knows what else. I imagined before I began writing that I’d put on some false face, say some lies, and feel like a loser after. “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna go out and eat some worms.”
But when reality hit me today, I felt a clear memory, or rather I saw a movie of me growing up just 40 miles from here. Me and my 2 brothers being raised in hood territory by a mom who didn’t love herself, much less us. It felt like it was happening now, with unbridled feelings. I tried to tuck it back away…but it wasn’t a fearful memory. I felt genuine sadness, like I was there and living it again.
And even as I sit here, I turn to my coping tools, and everything I normally use is focused on stuffing, denying, or hiding myself from the emotion. I’m not sure I really know how to handle my own emotions safely. So I write. And feel. I even look for a “savior” (a big brother figure) like when I was young. (It’s an old habit). Noone modeled how to be truthful or emotionally sane. Or that I could trust someone else. Or even trust myself.
The question on my mind is “How do we DO this?” I feel like being honest right now. And I (think I) know that answers aren’t easy. That life can be hard at times. I’m feeling impotent with answers.
I think I’m just scared of being overwhelmed by negative emotions and being stuck there. Like a fear of being helpless.
Ideally, in your mind, what is that figure like? I don’t mean your real elder brother, I mean if you could custom design a “savior figure” to come along and rescue you. What traits would he have?
Now, are these traits that you’d like to see in yourself? What plan of action would plan of action, subliminals and otherwise, would help you develop them, and become that figure who can save yourself?
This morning I had a realization. I desire someone to accept me since, for some reason, I don’t accept myself. (Seriously, this stuff is right in my awareness. This is usually hidden from me).
Like sometime when I was young, I felt unloved. I sought my mom’s attention and acceptance, but I didn’t receive it. I believed I wasn’t wanted. And seeing someone’s smile or acceptance was what I began looking for. My focus was always outside
Outside help is nice, but even when I see someone who doesn’t accept themselves, it feels painful and I turn away. I get that from others too.
I’m wondering what I’m not seeing, as something seems to be right in front of me.
Normally, I would have ditched this thinking, hiding it from myself. I’d bury everything that surfaced. Learning what I have to do now.
And strangely enough, I’m feeling better about sharing that.
I used to kick my own tail when sharing who I am and where I’ve been. I think ZP’s self acceptance scripting is kicking in.
Why on Earth wouldn’t you accept yourself? You seem a really decent guy. Maybe you should try to figure out what that “for some reason” is.
The most freeing realization I had on DR was that my parents were too fucked up to love, accept, or care for anyone properly long before I was born. There was a problem with them, not a problem with me. They would have neglected and mistreated any child they had, so it doesn’t reflect on ME in any way shape or form.
It sounds like your Mom is like that too.
That’s great to hear man, thanks for sharing
Thanks @Jonathan. That encourages me.
Listening to loops now. I was chatting with a guy here last night, and I said something to him which I’m still incredulous over.
I said ZP is encouraging me to let go of a lot of stuff. And my inner reaction is why therapists stay in business. As pleasant and desirable as ZP’s effects are, my mind is still fighting to keep its old ground. This is likely from Regeneration since Chosen by itself is very inspiring.
I had a moment last night where I realized my mind is fighting to keep its old norm, but small daily challenges–or rather, my reaction to them–make me see ZP is changing me. Small challenges highlight where I’ve had some firm hold on not changing or not surrendering.
I’m actually facing the challenge to change now–vs. cementing old actions and beliefs of not surrendering. This is real. Because I’ve spent the vast majority of my life avoiding this. And each day, I’m seeing new challenges, and it excites me that I might make positive choices for myself today.
I’m rambling, but it feels good admitting it.
That awareness you have, that small space between the trigger and the reaction, is so incredibly powerful. I’m very happy for you that you are taking your power back and recognizing how your mind is fighting to keep the status quo.
Talking about taking some power back, something came to me near the end of my day.
Now, I had a crappy day, initially trying to keep it in, hoping it’d go away. My loop of Regeneration this morning was working in me, and I was angry and completely distracted by emotion most of the day, working alone, thank God. I worked slower than normal, and I wanted to vent at people while driving. I was not happy. I had no working tools to deny it, so I endured it angrily.
Near the end of my day, I thought of writing here, and a realization came to me: I’m going through grieving stages. ZP has been stripping me of old defenses, and initially, I wished to ignore it or push it away. That’s stage one of grief: denial.
Stage 2 is the anger stage. I could have vented quite a while today, I did more than usual, and I even imagined angry conversations with work superiors. Yeah, some things supers do piss me off. That’s where I am now.
But I became aware of the stages when I considered a full crying spell. I wondered “would that even help?” No, I was still pretty angry. That’s when it clicked, since grieving is pretty predictable. Stage 3 is the release stage, when real crying and loss is felt. I’ve thought I experienced that some in days prior, but the anger is new. I was trying to “deny” it. Yep. Anger has always threatened my fantasy world. Always. Today I didn’t gaf. I just sought to let some go. I’m still unsettled (nice word for “pissed off and miserable”).
I’ll still have stage 3 and 4, 4 being the acceptance stage. And seeing this happening relieved me of some self-blame since I had no answers before. I won’t go looking for it, but since ZP is flushing out my bullshit, something will come out…
ZP is truly stripping me of some harmful practices and beliefs I’ve held. My fighting it, even today, was me grieving it by denying and avoiding it.
Better days are coming.
I am fantasizing about doing loops before sleeping tomorrow. Doing Regeneration v.1 and v.2 in times past, I’d often loop it during sleep. In short, I wasn’t processing stuff all day at work. Sleep did its magic on me, and I often felt mostly unstressed when I got to work.
For the stress relief alone, I’m considering that.
Wow, just wow! The amount of awareness you are developing on RZP is truly amazing 
I remember reading one of your old journal, I don’t recognize that guy from this guy writing in here… 
Just want to share a chorus of a song that came up today in my playlist:
Know you are loved
Rest in peace
Dream your sweet dreams
'Til your soul is released
Jai-Jagdeesh - In Dreams
I feel a bit motivated this morning. I’m out early, wishing to go see a girl at a store where I buy coffee sometimes. But ZP has me checking myself. My old MO was to sell myself with a smile and holding eye contact. And the newer, louder, stronger message in my head is to NOT perform. Just be who and what I am.
Ok.
Even before writing “Ok”, I felt some anger surface. I even hesitated. I felt anger at the fronts I’ve put on. Putting myself under so damn much pressure, and whipping myself internally if it didn’t work like I desired. Life’s too damn hard performing. I’ll probably have more anger today, but I do feel I’m on the cusp of some tears.
Good luck with that. I’ve found things eventually go much better once you stop pretending to be something you’re not.
ohhhhh snap I didn’t know that. I’ve been overexposing myself, then.
Yesterday during my rest day I had ZP checking if I was being honest with myself and others. One situation is my last post here. Me trying to look positive was choosing/wanting to lie to myself. This was regular practice in days past. I even tried to force myself to believe I’m ok with the lying. That was my old fantasy thinking in action. I always felt uncomfortable doing that, and it made my mind work overtime so I’d keep my stories straight. I didn’t want to do that. Being honest is scary, at least initially, but it dissolves my stress.
I had 2 awarenesses of SC subs yesterday. First was Ascension, as I was wrestling with the discomfort of lying while also still steering towards lying with coworkers and my supervisor. I remembered effectively distancing myself mentally with others while on my first run of Ascension (2018), and I craved doing that on autopilot. But thank God I worked alone yesterday, as I desired (something), some encouragement or guidance. Regeneration’s working with ZP has had me tearing myself down at times since (I think) it’s tearing down some self-lies I’ve lived in in the past. It dug into a lot, good and bad yesterday.
My second awareness was me seeing Chosen showing up. My own supervisor has begun speaking up for me to our site manager so I can get a raise. My super has spoken to me about it before, but he even spoke to our district manager yesterday. I’m wowwed by the intent since I’ve often thought the worst of him. He’s doing the opposite of “worst” right now, and it hits me inside. It’s also got me checking my pride, since I’ve been standing on dangerous ground inside my head. I had a VERY BUSY day in my head.
I also spent an hour with a coworker in our parking lot after work. He started talking, and we just kept it going. This is unsusual for me, but I’d do it again. It felt good talking and listening as an equal.
A realization just came.
I was about to reply in a thread. I began writing.
I stopped. I heard and felt an old belief pushing me, actually trying to scare me into an old helpless state. I’m sitting here reading posts, and old images of my young teenage years came up, right around when my brother left home suddenly.
I was writing in that thread, trying to be “good enough” for my brother to love me, me thinking I could influence him. (I was putting the person who posted in that role in my head)
I pulled off the thread I’d begun replying to since I felt so desperate for love, where I felt me wondering if I had to abandon myself to receive love.
That’s why I’ve not dated anyone since my divorce 7 years ago.
That’s why I keep pretty shallow relationships with most males.
In short, I have thought I had to leave me (to abandon WHO I AM) to receive any love.
I do that all the time. Each. And. Every. Day.
That’s sad. How the f*** do I change this? (writing this for myself. Comments not required really)
F***!!
It might take some time. Just keep on going. You will get there.
