I’ll second what @Tobyone said. You do sound like a different person now. I don’t know if you see it, but you are making some incredible progress here.
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Thank you, @COWolfe and @Hoppa.
I’m wondering about my solutions, but by personal experience, I’m thinking I’ve not had good solutions so far. Like many others during that era 30 years back, I was trained to “focus, focus, FOCUS on the problem”. Many therapists and recovery groups still endorse this heavily.
And with how narrow one can make any subliminal, I did. My world got very small though digging for stuff nobody else sought out. Lonely is only one word which defines it.
What I realized when using Ascension was I liked feeling good. I liked feeling attractive and capable. I liked growing up into a man I could be proud of. I brought Regeneration in when it was released (2019?) and couldn’t see a clear connection between the two. But I kept on Regeneration since I knew there were things I wasn’t seeing–plus I still sought relief.
But since running Ascension, that awareness stayed with me. I just haven’t seen how emotional healing of the boy inside me links with BEING the adult in present day who can handle any problem. I’ve not found them congruent with each other. Never, I’ll say. It’s all or nothing in my subliminal experience.
Somehow, ZP is linking them. I don’t have to be this way, OR have to be that way. It’s like ZP asks “what is ME in this?” which I’ve never experienced before on any sub.
It makes navigating this SO much easier. I still see old fears and insecurities. I just don’t feel so divorced from who I am presently. And I’ll take this. (Part of me spoke up writing that last line. He sought “permission” to like it and feel good.)
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I’m doing an experiment this morning. I’m running Chosen now, and am going to run Regeneration tonight. I’ll see if Chosen feels heavy by itself.
I felt something, or rather, I feel something this morning. Like I’m between feeling good–and part of me is seeking reasons to not succeed or feel good today. Thinking of when I woke up this morning, it’s like I’m living out a flashback, feeling like I’m maybe 7 or 8, and I feel unloved. The result is I don’t want to even try.
I’m looking for some logic or why I’m in this spot, but it feels useless. Like I’m living out some hopelessness.
My loop’s done.
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Something I will share showed up for me last night while in bed.
I was trying to see who I am and how I am, and what came right into my awareness was Stark. I’ve mentioned the value of Ascension and also the power of Emperor, but my heart goes to Stark.
Being social? Check. Though (I’ve always thought) I am an introvert. I loved teaching a room of kids though. Like it was my stage.
Intelligence and creativity? Check, check. I love that stuff. Though I haven’t run Limitless in quite a while.
Being charismatic and socially savvy? Yep, I love that self assurance and confidence. Being free to enter a crowd without self-doubt and self-harassment is pure gold to me.
And lastly, the wealth creation? Yes. Absolutely. I’m sitting on something which I’ve been praying and planning for, specifically for wisdom, as great wealth is a responsibility. Being prepared for it is gold to me. I just want my heart in the right place since, for me, wealth highlights who I am, not who I want to be. I see myself as slovenly at times morally, and I sense this will bring me to tears. Because the difference between the life focuses of the “haves” and the “have nots” are completely different. I’ve sat mentally in the first group for a while, and I’m agreeing that it makes one think completely different. Completely.
My reluctance to Stark? Is it shame? Or identifying with someone who is successful? Or maybe (oops, just found it) it’s being responsible for my life. Damn. Yeah, all those grown up things I’ve shooed away for so long. Damn, damn, damn. That’s it.
But I never had problems when running Stark before. I’m really pulled toward Stark long-term.
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Gonna do an extra rest day today. Yesterday I had a twinge in my head for a while, and it felt strangely similar to recon when using Qv2. I’m taking today off and will resume tomorrow.
I saw Saint mention to someone that tiredness and procrastination are signs of overexposure, and I’ve dealt with the first a bit. I haven’t reported on it since it’s not been accompanied by slight headaches and such. But since yesterday I realized I need to pull off for another day.
I agree. You do seem to be making progress.
@Fractal_Explorer I wonder if posting some of the healing modules you have used might give @subliminalguy some ideas for a custom (if that might be of interest).
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I must have missed that. Good to know.
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I had a good day today, feeling my thoughts and feelings moving from the sub. I know I executed the subs today…
It started while waking up this morning. I felt content and peaceful, like I had met my own needs. Inside I felt it, and I got out the door on time. I wasn’t focused on getting something from others, as I had what I needed and tried holding on to that feeling.
And when I got to work, I actually felt the Chosen aura growing in me. I’ve not really felt that on Chosen yet, so this 2nd rest day is still allowing some executing.
Then, around 10AM, I had stopped to deliver something, and I received a continuation of the feeling I had waking up. I thought “I’m getting what I signed up for!” Like I wasn’t being hard on myself, and I began getting soft inside.
This showed up clearly. I came to a 4-way stop mid-morning, and I faced a truck. I thought he was going to go straight, and after I’d started, I saw his blinker on. I’d gone forward, keeping him stuck until I passed. I instantly put my hand up, acknowledging I’d goofed. I’d normally have just looked at him, knowing I’d done wrong, but this time I raised my hand (not my norm) since I felt genuinely sorry I’d done this.
This apologetic guilt was what I’d been feeling towards myself this morning. That’s what’s been making me soft.
I need some rest.
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Almost done with my loop of Chosen. Stuff was churning inside before I even started it, so I ran it to maybe clear me up. Or rather, I thought it’d take those old feelings away. Nothing major going on by the sub, but maybe this is it getting quieter as time passes.
Emotionally, I know what I know as far as past experiences. I’m feeling a little sad over something, it was bugging me before my loop, and I’m still feeling it. I wish I had something positive to share since this frightens me. It’s not super strong, it’s just persistent.
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I’d be happy to. @subliminalguy what do you think your major sticking points are as far as self growth goes?
Thanks for the question @Fractal_Explorer. I’ll share off the top of my head.
First, a constant self-degrading voice I imagine which tears me down, puts me down, and ultimately tries to keep me down.
Also, I believe I’m seeing a root to this. (Even while writing that, my mind tried to scramble itself so I’d lose it)
The root is I’ve felt is I reject myself, feeling unlovable and fearing people will find this out and abandon me. (That’s why I haven’t kept people close to me) To avoid the of fear of abandonment, I’ve done a lot of dancing around and pretending to be someone more desirable. And lately, I’m seeing myself staying away from people (me abandoning them first)
That’s where my head is at a lot.
Just saw something big in my mind. My mom did the same to herself, as she was a single parent feeling unlovable and rejected by an abusive husband. I’m blending my own story here, but she treated herself like shit since she had no answers, no healthy support, no money, and little hope. She depended on others and still felt helpless. Alcohol was her only relief, it seemed.
She beat herself up daily–and owned it. I’ve heard other former alcoholics admit they were always hardest on themselves. Noone could kick their butts worse than themselves. I don’t often talk to others about my mom since…it highlights my own weaknesses. And she was my biggest model on how to deal with life. I guess…no, I have tried to be faithful to her.
It was easy to write this. I’m thinking of it now, and will add on if anything else pops up. I’ve got all sorts of feelings coming up, but I did do Regeneration over an hour ago.
Every time I admit stuff like this, a part of wonders why I’m upsetting the apple cart (revealing secrets)
Edit: I realize even coming here is scary for me. Fearing rejection, beating myself up to discourage myself. I know I got honest sometimes in 12 step meetings, but leaving my old norm I equated with abandoning myself. That I always understood as an absolute no to me. So I eventually knew I was playing a game of desiring some hope while seeking to NOT change–hoping noone would reject me or “should” on me if they found out. But I never told anyone I was doing this. Keeping secrets seemed to keep me safe. I said a mouthful there. Even now, using subliminals, I have those thoughts in my head. “Do I want to change? Does anyone know my truth?” Noone has. Frick. Tears now. Gonna leave this.
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This is a profound realization man.
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Thanks for being open and sharing. I know how exposing the deeper vulnerable parts of yourself can be difficult.
I’m going to respond more in depth later about this familiar struggle and what I think could help you out if you wanted to go the route of building a custom.
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Thank you @COWolfe. Your replies touch me since we’ve shared similar self-beliefs. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
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Writing uncomfortable stuff since I’m wishing for my subs to work on them.
I just got off the main page, looking at latest posts. I felt inadequate, wishing to pull off so I’d not face my fears of saying something and being rejected. And truthfully, every time I’ve pulled away from journaling here, it was for that very reason.
I read some entries, and I realize I don’t feel like “that” or whatever mood guys were in. What I realized is I’ve often put on a face, sometimes trying to force on some mask of adequacy, friendliness, confidence, or competence. The most practiced one is “I’m good!” when emotions tell me otherwise. That mask wearing hurts even thinking about it, for that is when I abandon myself.
This is probably a good thing I’m realizing it. Plus admitting it. It’s always been very stressful trying to keep that mask up. That’s not who I am, and it would hurt me deeply if someone watching me (thinking of children) thought “that’s how I should deal with life too”. I’ve been sappy today, I took off work today since I’ve got a lot of PTO, so this is me now.
I spend a lot of time and energy focusing on other’s lives and goals. My wants and goals seem to be becoming clearer, but I’ve not given them too much attention. I grew up making myself a designated helper for (my brother’s) plans, and I do this now when around good men. It’s primarily why I feel safe working with men in my industry. Women…I haven’t touched that discomfort and inner conflict lately. I will, but not now.
So, a summary for now is I’m uncomfortable being anything and everything for anyone, but it’s also where I found all of my purpose and identity when younger. I’m unsure where to steer into now. That’s my dilemna. My answer for where I’m going right now is “I have no idea”.
Will take a second rest day tomorrow.
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As promised my more in depth reply. Your struggle seems very familiar to mine. I befriended my inner critic, much like an abusive relationship. It was very very hard to break away from that because it wasn’t as simple as “stop thinking so negatively”.
Feel free to tell me if I’m off base with this, but I thought I’d lend my opinion on how truly suffocating this can be and why it can be so hard to get a handle on.
This is very close to what I’ve experienced in my life. The more that fear takes control, the more that sense of unlovable is reinforced. It’s like you said, abandoning them first or rejecting them from your life. They feed off eachother. In order to guarantee your safety from your abandonment your mind will double down on those feelings of being unlovable. To some extent that core unlovable belief/trauma exists within you, however it’s also self regenerating as a defense mechanism to guarantee abandonment doesn’t happen. It’s a twisted codependent relationship inside your own mind.
Let me ask you, have you ever felt the need to “confess” your flaws or perceived negative traits about yourself to others? As if being open and honest was liberating in some way and freed you from that fear of abandonment? This open and honest perception can actually be a very severely hyper inflation of negative thinking. And through some bizarre mechanism in the mind can feel rewarding, but in the most toxic way possible to yourself. Effectively putting your worst self forward so you can unconsciously push away people.
But I wanted to talk about support modules that have been helping me a lot in my custom and you might give some thought to in the future if you wanted to. Combining them with ZP has definitely accelerated their noticeable effects. But anyway. Here are my top ones
Negative energy transmutation, Inner Voice, Manipulus, Sanguine, and Stress Displacement…
Negative energy transmutation is particularly good at catching this non-aware toxicity you might unconsciously feed yourself at times. Paired with Inner Voice you have a powerful combo where you strengthen your ability to be kinder to yourself and raise yourself up while warding off further indirect attacks on yourself that tear you down. In this combination is Manipulus as well. Although it seems geared towards external manipulation, I’ve found in general it does a good job of making you more aware of internal manipulation as well and recognizing when your internal abuser has held you captive and break free from it.
Sanguine and Stress displacement are just fantastic for keeping you level headed and ok. Living with fear of abandonment can be very stress inducing. At the heart of it I do believe it’s strongly linked towards survival/death feelings. So no matter how over-exaggerated on the outside, internally it holds a lot of weight. So it’s good to have a counter-balance to the “I’m not safe” feelings it can keep you stuck in.
Besides those any further modules that push limits, challenge perception of oneself, or re-assess beliefs is good for breaking free of past patterns.
I’m not sure how targeted Regeneration ZP is for issues like this, but from my experience focusing on manipulation and stabilizing your emotional state goes a long way towards detaching from them. They can be very persistent, sometimes just healing doesn’t always work and there needs to be new behaviors that prevent further self-injury.
Anyway my 02 cents on this matter. I hope Regeneration ZP works out well for you. My experience with purely healing titles is my mind finds loopholes and they need to be filled otherwise it can sidestep the actual goal of what healing is there to accomplish and keep me in a self-absorbed spiral of ruminating on negative emotions and thoughts. But this is purely my experience.
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Yeah, in times past, with multiple subliminal vendors, my mind was always seeking and finding loopholes. Something is changing in me though, which hasn’t happened before. I want to emphasize this point.
ZP is allowing me, even encouraging me, to love myself. Last night I read your message just before dropping in bed, and I flashed back to 1990, when I went to my first 12 step group, Adult Children of Alcoholics. It was the Marines of 12 step groups, focusing on the problems with hard and cold precision. All under the illusion that we could get better. It was a frightening experience, putting it mildly.
I only lasted maybe 3 months in there. It was like going into surgery with a big ego, a butter knife, and a flashlight. I saw no adequate tools at the time, and more importantly, there was no love. Love was what I wanted and needed, and seeking that from equally damaged people wasn’t fruitful.
I’ve done other groups with palatable outcomes, so I stayed in those. Then, I went back into counseling and therapy. But love…eluded me. Facts and information NEVER healed me. Only those times when I felt loved did small miracles happen.
ZP is breaking down these walls, allowing me to open up my heart. Yes, Regeneration does dig quickly and with focus, BUT ZP is allowing love to touch those areas too. This is a definite first in healing subliminal experiences. In my opinion, one could throw out all the healing tools if one used only ZP.
And yeah, I’ve been ruminating some here. So? That ruminating allows me to see multiple sides–and that thing called love is what I’m bringing into the mix now. That’s good change. Adding love into this collection of old thoughts is what heals me like nothing else can. That’s why I’m using Regeneration presently.
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Dude. I never was able to put that into words that well. I used to do that all the damn time. I’d just blurt out either a genuine flaw, or something that I thought would cause whatever group to reject me. No thought of why I was doing it, just couldn’t help myself.
Did you guys cruelly rip on yourselves as “a joke” too?
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Elementary,
I know I don’t know you. You deserve an apology. I was defensive this morning. You saw my weakness in me ruminating, and I felt my intentions in my reaction were not kind.
I’m not sure where I’m going in this healing experience. Something is actually working in me at this time, and I’m slightly fearful, being honest. I feel I treated you wrong this morning… I was pushing you away, like you mentioned. You were right.
I’d like to apologize.
Subliminalguy
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