Chosen and Regeneration: ZP changes

Journals - Major Programs
#62

No worries man I get it. I’ve had the exact reactions in the past to people. Like I said these are survival mechanisms we’ve learned, so it’s natural we get defensive.

Last thing I want to do to anyone on this forum is invalidate their emotions. Rumination is just a very very strong inward focus, sometimes on the wrong things. It’s not necessarily a weakness like you said, but a misguided strength. I think that’s what I was trying to get across with my post. But you’re right self love is critical for the healing and I’m glad you’re learning that more for yourself.

@COWolfe Definitely a lot of self deprecating humor. Still pops up from time to time. Most recent one. One of my friends was talking about Marie Kondo and her phrase “If it doesn’t spark joy throw it out” and I was like “oh so my life then”. There’s some dark humor there, but I know it’s remnants of past feelings. I think I’m always gonna be a little twisted in the head, but it feels more distant nowadays and I can make comedy out of it.

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#63

Running Chosen and Regeneration now, in that order.

I noticed some dreams this morning focusing on things I’m afraid of. I remember having a large rifle in hand in the midst of some panic, like a scene from an end of the world movie. People running in the streets, chaos everywhere. At the same time I felt a tenderness in my heart. I felt I was reacting to some major crisis, and possibly using the gun scared me. I had ability to feel my own emotions in the midst of this, which is strange.

I did feel a connection to real life. The gun represents my anger, I’ve kept it “not loaded” almost all of my life, and using it on someone openly hits both the tender part inside me and the fear of damaging relationships. It’s still fresh.

But I sense my mind slowly rewriting this fear. My anger is usually felt very strongly. I just realized I blow up since my biggest fear is people abandoning me, so my emotions escalate with fear steering me completely… My emotions coming out are anger, fear, and panic that I’ve pushed someone else away.

I’ve oftentimes just kept anger in. I’ve let it out a couple of times to people close to me, and major regret and cleanup ensued.

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#64

I faced discomfort today. I’ve been unwilling to post about it since (this is cool and weird) I’m seeing what I am attracted to. Normally I’m looking for something/someone to blame. I’m feeling drawn to people and ideas I like. I’m more willing to listen to helpful wisdom. Like it’s constructive thinking.

I’ve made such a troubled “identity” here–and it’s not fitting me. I’m serious. Angry even. In times past, I would have blamed you (anyone who was convenient) since…gulp…I made a decision.

I’m not comfortable being that person. That’s how I’ve kept this powerless identity.

This is HAPPENING! Going from powerless to powerful in an afternoon, or in less than 3 weeks. Wow!!

This is fun :slight_smile:

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#65

Wow! That’s some great progress.

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#66

ZP allows one to get out of their way :slight_smile:

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#67

If I could sum up this afternoon…

I didn’t seek other’s validation of every thought, decision, and action.

I have no words to describe it. I felt free.

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#68

Courage. That’s what I felt yesterday. I was in touch with some desires around women while out doing my errands. Even looking back in my day, I had an internal pushing of myself to get out around women. It was encouraging since it’s normally quite the opposite for me in my head. Fear’s usually speaking constantly to me, seeing and feeling the worst outcomes, so other than required errands, I stay inside all weekend.

I also wondered if old SC subs were being activated, since I felt a charisma growing in me. All the status titles have some level of charisma scripting, and I felt it first while driving to the laundromat. I saw this woman driving past me at an intersection, and I felt “seen” all of a sudden, which is the aura kicking in. I felt my feet and legs immediately after that, and I had this desire to strut. I wanted to be seen.

This is all Chosen. Regeneration and the ZP core have been dominant mostly since the start of the preview, but Chosen is heating up for me. I really like this. I’m still feeling it this morning.

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#69

DAYHAM BRO!!! That’s some powerful stuff. Can you imagine where we’ll be after a year on these things?

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#70

I’m starting to. This is all Chosen since I felt drawn to good things inside and out. I saw one girl, she was cute and alone, yet I knew I’m not seeking a fling. She was on her phone talking to someone, and I imagined it was a boyfriend or similar (she was saying “we” and “our stuff”), and I did not even seek a look due to that. I felt like I was in my own lane minding my own business, and that had me feeling good. I was doing the right thing. Virtue scripting in Chosen.

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#71

Man! That’s some heavy stuff regarding exhibiting a flaw to push people away.

When I heard that, I introspected a bit and remembered how I used my flaws to pull people to me. As if in pitying me, they would love me.

I had already recognized this habit of mine a while back but always found it difficult to stop. But ZP is changing me and I don’t have that urge to make myself look weak anymore.

Old habits die hard they say. But ZP is killing them softly.

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#72

This song was on my mind after reading your last line @Lion. Know anyone who could do a lyric rewrite?

Your words were smooth

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#73

Cool log and great progress. It has me interested in stacking Regeneration with CHOSEN.

I always felt like crap running healing subs without any real resolution to the internal issues, so I avoided them in favour of alpha and money type subs. But it sounds like this one might be different.

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#74

Great journal, man!

RegenZP seems to be VERY powerful, but with any healing title, this one also seems to “work better” if you stack it with positivity.

Great stack which I will be running myself after this very washout.

You have a great awareness of yourself and thoughts. Did this become more pronounced with ZP/Regen or was this already that “easy” for you before?

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#75

Me too. I’ve had very similar experiences. ZP is pulling me towards peace with myself–which all by itself is unlike any previous sub runs. It’s like mixing some focused healing alongside some incredibly encouraging scripting, and I feel chill in it. I’m loving this.

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#76

The truth is I’ve always been prone to dig deep and see my truths, but my old mental habits were destroying me with it from the inside. For the last 10 years or so I was building and using defenses and denials in my head, and it was making me crazy. That’s when I found my first subliminal mp3, this one changed my thinking and reactions, and I’ve used them for mental and emotional healing ever since.

ZP brings great awareness back, and coupled with Chosen’s positivity, it builds an internal beauty. I’m not beating myself up so much, and I’m even seeking to change that old default reaction. It’s making me soft realizing I’m wanting and willing to change. Self doubt and discouragement were in charge before–but it’s gonna change. I am changing.

Wow.

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#77

I’m also using 2 rest days instead of one. I felt symptoms of recon almost a week back, and I’ve been using 2 rest days since then. This may have triggered the accelerated bloom coming on, and I’m not complaining :slight_smile: Nope. Not at all.

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#78

Kinda understand how you felt right there!
Currently, I am on day 2 (rest day) after using chosen and regeneration like you.

I’m wondering whether I should continue with regeneration or switch it out. Perhaps, my mind will let me know the answer in a few days time.

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#79

I wondered that too since I’m wishing to start Mogul ZP soon. Part of me remembers people jumping off and on subs in the past which I’ve done too, but nah. What I’m experiencing is very positive, so I’m going to run it another 21 days so I can watch it grow in me. Changing the stew too often makes it unfulfilling for me. Another run of Chosen and Regeneration by themselves, then I’ll venture on to Mogul. I don’t know if I’ll do 2 or 3 titles, but Chosen will be used for sure.

I’m thinking back to when I was running EOG, and @Simon gave me some questions to answer and read daily. His main focus (for stage 1) was “what makes you feel wealthy?” I honestly questioned that intellectually at the time, but it never landed in my emotions. I felt inadequate since nothing materially really held on to me. I wondered what I was missing, and I felt a little ashamed.

Only in recent months has awareness been growing on that question. I realized me feeling ok with myself and not dependent on others to say I’m adequate has made me feel much richer than any object or possession ever could. Feeling inside like “I am enough” speaks much deeper than “I have this possession. Do you like me now?” Obtaining wealth for other’s approval is pointless.

So, it’s late, but I found my answer @Simon.

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#80

This is my 2nd day off, but it’s also day 21. I’m going to follow suggested advice and stay off another 3 days, then restart.

But I should add the noticable increase in respect from people. I work at the shop this week to play catchup on a project. I’ve been very willing to connect with people since I’ve been on the road a lot, and even one shop manager caught my attention today. I’d dropped by the break room at the end of my lunch to make some gatorade, he jokingly spoke with me about something I’d faced today, and as I was about to leave a minute later, he asked me where I was going. I told him it was the end of my lunch and I’d just stopped by to make my drink. I felt his slight disappointment, as I picked up he’d wanted to spend more time getting to know me. I’d sensed his demeanor changing towards me this week, knowing he was observing me, and it feels good on my end.

Also, a strange conflict inside: part of me invites this and part of me still wants to protect me via isolation. Why I’m listening to the good part is it actually communicates with me. The latter part just pouts and demands. Like one is more mature, and one is a child. This child doesn’t reason at all, which deters me.

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#81

Adding something since it’s major. Me writing helps me.

I was just PMing someone who reached out to me a week back, and he’d asked me about a mental tool he’d used. Simply telling yourself “stop!” when circling negative thoughts. I used it the day he’d told me, and it worked.

Well (this is touching me to tears now)…I said it felt like prayer to me. I know God listens, as even DESPITE my doubt at times, I get answers.

I went on, telling him my truth. I’ve not gotten close to God since I’ve prayed (even 2 days ago) that I’m afraid He’ll take advantage of me. I instantly knew it is connected to my middle brother, who I utterly depended on when young. No dad, an alcoholic mother, so he was my strength and who I relied on.

Well, teenage years were rough on him, the middle child. He got into all the classic rebellious stuff–girls, drugs, stealing, etc–which I was just aware of. And in a fit of rage one day, he (saying the word is hard) me. Then he left home, never returning. I was traumatized.

So, I’ve been stuck with that. I’m afraid of the memory, thinking it’ll own me if I recall it, and God, the one who’s always around, I tell him now. I’m on the edge of facing this (thank you Regeneration), and …fear, tears. My reality is holding this down.

There. I shared it. Slight terror emerged and remains, fearing people will poke the bear. That memory has held me back from getting close to males. Me burying it felt like survival when young. It directs my life now. I don’t feel in control of this. No, very much the opposite.

And it hurts burying it—a major source of giving myself daily pain… thanks for listening.

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