Chosen and Regeneration: ZP changes

Journals - Major Programs
#82

I had a rough day in my head, as I wasn’t able to block out old feelings constantly. This stuck with me throughout the day, and even now.

And I had one very good moment despite all this. Chosen has been working through me, and yesterday I had a short interaction with our lead driver. He’s not one who complains much, but when we began discussing work, he shared in frustration how he’s always on the road. I initially tried to encourage him by sharing that he moves and drives quickly. He’s sought since he gets the job done.

But that didn’t resolve what was bothering him. He repeated his complaint, almost word for word. And I chose to make it personal for him. I asked very clearly and pointedly “what do YOU want?” He almost began his speal again, so I interrupted with the same line: “what do YOU want?” and he didn’t answer. I wanted him to chew on it since he’s in control of himself. His whine sounded like he felt helpless, which is why I threw it at him the second time. This is a strong-minded ex-NYer who usually means what he says.

And I saw him today a few times in the morning while passing. About an hour later he was coming in from the parking lot, and he turned to me. He walked straight at me, looking at me with conviction.

“I want to RETIRE! That’s what I want to do. I want to retire.” No smiling, no fantasy thinking. He had pieces of a plan which would allow that, and he said he wants to test it out before inviting others to do it too, though he didn’t give any specifics.

And I felt that teacher-like moment when I realized that people do hear me. He heard me and took it seriously. Wow.

P.S. When he said that, I immediately thought of the Chosen objective:

  • Manifest and attract high value, talented individuals who can help achieve your goals

I realized it’s possible I might join him in this plan. The mentor idea is what came to mind.

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#83

Day 2 of 3 day flush

I remember the end of a dream and it felt good. Short explanation.

What I remember is my mind trying to go into high powered self persecution mode. Just me trying to put myself down with a lot of force. Something stopped that. It was quick and complete. There was no battle. Something in me came in without using fear and guilt and said no. It just turned it away.

What’s unexplained is it didn’t feel like someone or something else. It was in me. A part I’ve never seen before.

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#84

I’m emotionally loose right now, and it doesn’t feel like the end of the world.

I came home, PM’d someone here about a different day I had (real anger at a coworker), then turned on some emotionally provoking YT videos, and have been watching them for almost two hours now, easily crying here and there.

Like some barriers dropped today to me feeling things. I got really pissed at a coworker, held it back a bit, but I still felt really pissed. It touched the “taken advantage of” old trigger in me, which I saw when looking for the reason.

I’m not feeling normal fears towards feeling things. In fact, I’m looking for avenues to feel (ex. YT videos) I could feel sappy, happy, ma(ppy? nah, mad), funny, anything. I’m not overwhelmed since I’m not stuck in any emotional state. This is really a unique experience.

This is day 2 of my 3 day washout, day 4 off subs.

#85

Merry Christmas everybody!

I restarted loops of Regen and Chosen this morning without major inner struggling. In fact, I’ve actually taken some action today to seek out some funds owed to me. I persisted, thoughtfully, knowing it is a game, so I played and pursued. I was the last to speak in an emailed exchange, and it’s silent on their side presently. I’m feeling like I’m standing up for me…but it’s different. I am not looking for some old mental model to imitate. I’m just seeking to win by clearly stating and defending my rights on this issue. I’m feeling in control over myself internally, which feels right. I know I don’t listen to people not in control of themselves, so I consider my words and their effects on people.

So ZP is doing something in me. I don’t feel like I’m fighting myself all the time. Since it’s so new, I’m missing seeing the glaring differences between before and after. Good things are happening :blush:

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#86

I’m going to add this. Much of my emotional strain lately has come from money uncertainties (not employment, but investments).

I grew up seperating the responsibility for money from enjoying life. Money was little, and mistakes made with it brought intense blame and shame–which I carried into adult life. Most of my adult life I’ve done the “save yourself” tactic of dismissing its role in my life, me remaining lower-income, and believing less can be more. Well, it can be, within some small boundaries.

But I know how to make money now. I’m not afraid to seek avenues and businesses to put money to use in. Educating myself over the last 5 years has helped immensely.

I’m starting to–or rather have been–seeing myself helping others achieve their dreams. I am still learning and looking for those avenues to do this, and some are (barely) veiled since some idea holders are separated only by my lack of seeking them out, and also my lack of liquid capital presently (I’m wondering about that statement). Some groups are wide open with their ideas IF you pay to join them.

I’ve been writing a bit. I’ve been wondering about starting Mogul ZP–and even felt an inner resistance before writing that. For some reason, that awareness excites me. Possibly… I’ll do Mogul for one loop 2 days from now. Unsure why this also scares me…and just realized it’ll dig into my childhood as well, where all money (and life) beliefs started. I’ll let this cook in me since it’ll be 2 days from now anyways.

Edit: just remembered I’m doing 2 days rest. So I’m doing some inner crockpot cooking on this one. Comments welcomed since money discussions alway get me thinking.

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#87

A lot of mental changes and challenges seemed to be popping up today unexpectedly. My values, hideouts, comfort zones…a lot of my norms were put out in front of me to question.

Much of this came up when I chose to leave my cave and go do my normal errands. Being near people activated Chosen (maybe Regen too) for me.

I passed tests, saw when I was habitually dodging some, and even noticed some which I recognized as nothing more than…very familiar hideouts. An example is avoiding some challenge of talking to a group of strangers walking by. Fears emerged, and my usual escapes (called “reasons”) led me to feeling low after. I felt low since I saw it clearly as lying to myself. A lot of life is walked by when I’m “right” by my own standards.

I also noticed some prideful fronts I’ve hid behind. I realized I do that when I feel inferior inside.

By actively facing what I could, I felt more human as the afternoon came on.

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#88

2nd rest day today.

ZP is making me aware of changes it’s doing in me, the biggest one is it’s staying on its focus of making me uncomfortably aware of me lying to myself. I had some relevant dreams and I had control over the dream, so just like in real life, I made decisions and saw myself doing things which weren’t really comfortable inside of myself.

This is good since changes have already happened which are allowing this. 30 days ago, maybe 10 even, I’d have immediately began kicking my own tail ferociously–to keep me from knowing and making changes, and … I don’t know…to just be mean to myself.

This is exciting and inviting. I don’t fear the change nearly as much as I fear the retaliation I give myself. I’m seeking to find my “why” I treat myself so bad, and no, I’m also not doing that. That part of me is so mean. It’s like making friends with someone you know will abuse you. So…not trusting or getting close to him… .

I’ve seen, and actively see, people being mean to the part of themselves which screws them up. So I’m not clear on how I can change this. I grew up seeing anger being used destructively on other people and also, on themselves. I saw people hating themselves when in charge of others, internally whipping themselves while whipping someone else in real life. So, I’m not clear on how, presently, this will change.

Breathe.

And that’s why I’ve not looked at it all these years. Self blame was practiced and taught by example, so I learned to blame myself for all problems, big and small. It kept it in the family, it kept us quiet, and it’s kept me pretty unhappy. Weird truth: me believing I was responsible for everything fed itself, like it gave me some feeling of importance.

And…blaming myself is also why and how I’ve avoided major responsibilities almost my entire life.
(Imagining) making a mistake: beat myself up. Tear myself down. Kick the living crap out of myself. This has kept a lot of things OUT of my life–to avoid self incrimination for failing somewhere.

I thought I was safe keeping it inside, and it’s been pretty painful and fearful on a daily basis. This has been the “normal” I’ve lived with. And I’m 50, so it’s been a while.

ZP is doing its thing. This is my truth. It’s ugly. And for the most part, it’s sat there untouched. This is my truth, and I’m feeling drawn to being nicer to myself. Letting that go, sometimes quickly, sometimes not. I’m kind of grateful I’m uncomfortable in this since it says “is there something better we can do?”

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#89

Do you think it makes a difference if you run Chosen or Regen first on a given day?

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#90

Nope! As long as you run it, your subconscious will process it according to it own needs and logic. Just get the sub in.

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#91

In my first 2 weeks, I found it harder when I ran Regeneration after Chosen in the mornings. It hung in my mind and really distracted me from my normal thinking at work. I tried doing Regen at night after that, and wasn’t plagued by such heavy feelings the next day. I resumed doing loops in the morning after starting my 2 rest day pattern.

So, before or after may be noticeable initially, but they’ll start working together soon enough.
@ksub is right in just getting them in, as you’ll find your comfy spot soon enough.

What I’ve found has helped dramatically for incorporating the sub is me taking 2 rest days. I had a twinge in my head one day early on, it felt like old Qv2 recon, and since I had been greatly fatigued, I tried a 2 day rest. Me executing both subs increased drastically since then. Personally, I’ve found a lot more awarenesses pop up during this extra time given, similar to people executing heavily on the latest washout. This is where some deep changes have been happening for me.

3 Likes
#92

I just was writing on the board about Chosen’s effects…

I’m glad I’m heading to bed now, as I’d planned on running Mogul tomorrow. I’m just thinking about Chosen now…it’s desirable.

Goodnight.

#93

I did a loop of Mogul solo this morning. Will wait for the execution.

#94

It’s definitely active. Took a shower 30 minutes ago, right after listening, and thoughts and feelings about myself and success are stirring. I’m looking forward to getting to work–to working–and it’s definitely Mogul.

I woke up groggily. I’d eaten ice cream for dinner last night and went to bed after. I wanted to stay in bed, and was meh about listening. I didn’t have high expectations (wanted to sleep) so I put it on while reading emails. Didn’t feel much while listening.

But something is kicking in. For days now I’ve been wondering/doubting/wondering/doubting my financial aims, and I’ve even been questioning my motives since I realized I’ve felt inferior inside. I noticed it 2 days ago while feeling fearfully prideful around people I didn’t know. It was my wall to keep them out. It bothered me because it was old fears separating me from others, and I really would have liked to socialize some, even having playful small talk.

I know I’m feeling that now. Money isn’t meant to separate people. Society seems to preach that, and I’m not sure anyone with active brains and a heart began doing that. Yeah, there are leaches and creeps out there. But putting up that wall in a generalized way hurts me as much as it hurts others.

Need to leave now. Wondering what will happen.

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#95

Update after listening to Mogul solo this morning:

I feel off, not in my norm mentally and emotionally. Not bad, and not really uncomfortable either.

Yet there is a dissonance happening since I’m not handcuffed into acting or saying things, my usual norm (not wanting to admit that). If there’s anything I have had in recent days, there’s been some regret after saying or writing something–since I did or said something to get a known reaction. I felt regret since it really wasn’t true for me. I did it, like I’ve done for years, to receive some validation that I had some worth.

That’s all I want to say

#96

Mogul update:

The aura in this is powerful. I’m amazed, as all day I had people waving to me or calling my name at work. One guy I’ve known for 6 years now, I’ve only worked with him a single day (a year back), and we very rarely speak to each other. He alone called to me maybe 5 times today. Again and again small things like this happened.

Even clocking out I saw a newer worker who I’m not sure I’ve ever spoken to. Most guys I’ve had some kind of exchange with, and I remember those exchanges. But not this guy. He called me out by name (really?!), I was instantly engaged, but I didn’t know his name. I went with it, and it quickly felt like we’ve known each other for a while. No tension was felt. None at all.

This really happened. It feels unnatural; I’m feeling shocked. Yeah, that’s how I feel thinking about it.

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#97

First rest day

I am facing something inside which is coming up quickly. I woke up this morning feeling sad, but I wasn’t sure why. When I began looking for my mental norm and thinking about my workday, it became clear.

Why would I want to go anywhere, anywhere at all, if life is nothing more than living out a script? You’ll never see me. You get the easy, shallow, dishonest me.

Me wanting to hide in bed makes sense in days past. I even chose to be alone on Christmas day due to this. I didn’t tell anybody. But seeing anyone would have meant me putting on a mask, and I did not want to go through that stress. Part of me always leaks out, and this frightened me.

A growing part of me is really fighting this mismatch.

It feels hard walking forward (or rather, just sitting with it), but this is the change I’ve avoided year after year, for decades. I always blew this off, which saddened me, yet I had no tools or even believed it was possible. So that’s the lie I’ve lived, lying to myself day after day. This is HUGE.

Truth: I’ve edited words numerous times during this post, words which just weren’t true. An old entrenched part of me will rise up, direct me, but I’m seeing it clearer now. Before ZP, I’d hover over words, taking 30 minutes to write a 30-second read. That’s me “checking my bullshit”. This kept my low self-esteem alive by feeling shame and fear of being truthful. This was how I felt every single day. Every single day.

In a word, it’s EXHAUSTING.

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#98

And this is exactly why I pulled off of DR earlier this year. Some were making big changes. And I felt helpless. Helpless to change. I found myself facing more and more tension inside since…I was still lying. That is why I’ve not kept up in all my relationships. It’s also why I’ve NOT pursued any dates these last 7 years. I wouldn’t want to date a liar. I wouldn’t want to date…me.

I’ve not even liked myself due to this, much less loved myself. Doing this has hurt, a lot. I’d thought it was all I had. I thought it was “my life”. So I kicked everyone out so they’d not know the truth. And inside was self-hate fed by lies.

Wtf is going on? I’d keep on writing, keep on spilling, like seriously. Living in this is HELL.

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#100

2nd rest day

I’m having trouble writing my truth. I’m used to trying to be objective, but lately, that’s been very hard. Being objective is a way I can express myself and stay distant. And ZP is really hindering that.

I wrote something last night, and it was laced with distance. It felt dishonest. It wasn’t right, so I deleted it. I’m not sure I’ve ever deleted a post. Edited one? All the time, but deleted, no.

Edit: I remembered deleting it since I’m feeling very vulnerable and anxious. I felt some emotion in it, and I felt I’d left my heart open. The fear of being hurt was my real reason for deleting it.

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#101

I find these custom module recommendations interesting. Have you run that stack with a healing one? What healing ones pair well with that custom? I resonate with the issues the people in this thread have expressed.

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#102

Welcome to SubClub @LikeADrug!