Chosen and Regeneration: ZP changes

Journals - Major Programs
#224

2nd rest day

I felt down from last night’s treatment for one very simple reason. I expected women to treat me well. I overinflated myself at the laundromat, and I sought more of it.

The thing I can change is learning from it. What I did I’ve done thousands of times, and I’m glad I can hold on to the truth (hanging on to lies keeps me in hell)

What I do is find people who like me, and I quickly begin laying down my efforts to win approval, and I make it their responsibility/job to make me feel good. Essentially, I take a freely given gift and begin expecting it full-time…nicely at first, but demanding in the end.

I do this since I still don’t treat myself with love at all. I remember treating my girlfriend like this way before we married. Now, I expect rejection when desiring love, and I think it’s me rejecting me vs. them doing it. THAT right there is why I look like an emotional flip-flop, wanting love but constantly denying it. While dating my wife-to-be, I flip-flopped with her, making her very insecure since I made my lack of self-love her fault and responsibility to fix.

I always expected love but didn’t give it back. I lived out the same script with her that I did with my mom. I knew I wanted love from my mom, but she was like I am, not knowing how to do so. I felt very unequipped to love my wife. Very unequipped. I doubted myself constantly, then hoped she’d fill in the gaps. I’d always had that thinking with my mom, but the hopeful me got sucker-punched again and again with Mom.

And loving myself? I keep this shield up to myself and others, meaning I stay on the fringes of relationships. I haven’t had a good friend in a very long time, and my last one (20 years back, specifically) I know I had those same needs coupled with expectations that he “feed” me regularly. I’ve had good guys want to be my friend since that one, but I’ve let them all fizzle early since my same thinking came with my feelings of wanting love. Me keeping distance is how I’ve coped. And this truth is slowly weighing on me. I expect some wailing early on using DR since I remember me breaking down gradually in my first weeks.

Can DR fix this? I’m not sure. But I have read DR journals where people began actively studying and searching out answers for themselves while using DR. I like that model. I’m just ready to break from holding everything inside. I hurt since I’ve practiced what I know. I don’t want to do this anymore!!!

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#225

My thoughts today. I read the Kahn ZP discussion thread. I am considering doing Kahn over DR.

#226

I listened to CFW and LB this morning. It’s my last time listening to this before I begin on Kahn. I’ll have 5 days off (2 rest days + 3 washout days).

I’ll be starting on Kahn on Valantine’s Day, Feb. 14.

I’ve had doubts about it, sure.

I’m just sick of getting screwed, whether by others or by myself. Sick of it. This is no one else’s fault. I own that alone. I’m heading towards Kahn presently.

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#227

2nd rest day? I think.

My mind’s been holding on to glimpses I’ve had of beautiful women I’ve seen while on the job. In the last 2 days, I’ve grown much more desiring of being with a woman. My mind’s hung on to glimpses of women I’ve seen while out in town, and it’s even grown.

It must be Love Bomb. CFW brings confidence and courage, while LB brings up natural desire for relationships. And to be real, it’s been for physical relationships. I wondered if something surreal was happening as I’ve thought about Kahn. I’m enjoying it.

I also sent a number of questions to support about Kahn. I asked if Kahn would vibe with LB. I’ll see.

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#228

On male relationships, CFW has been digging in, Regeneration specifically.

I’ve been very wary to post recently since old ways and beliefs just aren’t working. I’m unsure what’s happening, but I’m trusting it. Moving forward with wrong beliefs isn’t something I am endorsing. I’ve noticed I’ve been revisiting old bad feelings and memories while working with a unstable coworker yesterday. I’d not had such thoughts since using a emotional healing sub from (he who must not be named). I had more self control, but I began feeling like an angry victim again. Fuck that.

Self control won. I didn’t retaliate since old memories were stirred. It’s like I’m “almost” close to touching and healing that wound. Thank God.

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#229

Last day of washout, ending this healing episode
Starting Stark tomorrow

I just got back from doing laundry, and I had a unique experience happen. Seems like Regen is still working.

The strange coincidence which happened (I rarely notice these things) is most of the people washing clothes were young men and boys. Usually, I see mostly women, but not today. And I had a living and feeling memory pop up.

2 hispanic boys/men were doing their clothes, and I noticed I was a little physically tense around them when close. My own brother violated me in my teens, and I’ve not worked all the way through it.

But here’s what happened in my thoughts: I felt like I was 11-12 years old, and EVERYTHING seemed like life or death. When we were younger, me and my brothers did laundry on public machines since Mom was at work. And in that memory/flashback, I even said to myself that I’d do ANYTHING to win Mom’s love–which I realized was my ultimate goal in this memory. I suddenly felt responsible for me and my brothers gaining Mom’s love—and I felt proud to stick with brothers who sought the same thing (though it was unspoken).

But pain was felt too, right in my chest. Mom never gave love away, it seemed. The pain and sadness was a knowing that she couldn’t give it away, and wouldn’t. I knew we’d already lost. That pain and shame stayed with us boys. It stayed with me. I’ve blamed myself for ages for this. I happen to know one of them still blames himself as well.

And my life’s daily FOCUS: I’ve kept my attention on male relationships since my experience says men are more emotionally available than women. As an adult now, I can poke holes in that statement, but that belief didn’t come from an adult.

In essence, much of my striving in life has been aimed at that same goal. And it’s been held back repeatedly since I’ve believed (the kid in me has believed) I would only find unavailable women. Just mirrors of Mom. Another woman to not love me. So being “safe” by being alone has been my normal default. Gawd…

I’m kind of grateful I’m starting Stark tomorrow since it has a highly social focus. Me dwelling on the thoughts I just shared is an old melancholy habit, and my perceptions are definitely not all accurate. I paint women with too broad of a brush a lot, and good women are out there. I’ve been very reluctant to actually look for one.

Edit: I have planned on waiting a week before adding Love Bomb. Is this best? I’m asking.

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