You don’t need to brother. You follow what you believe is true and whatever else. I just mentioned him as I know he’s a bit of a hot topic for people. I follow people who follow him but I’m not a fan of reading his work.
I’m proud of you. How’s your day of it going?
You didn’t push me away man, however I know how that feels and I don’t want you to feel that way at all. Again, believe in whatever it is you want and you stick with that!
I’ve been doing it a lot today. I think…just think…I’m making a new pathway in my thinking. I realized this afternoon that I had some control over my thinking. I was reading this good anthropology book, and I realized I’ve surrendered personal power for a long time to TV, radio, etc., when people outside the US (mostly) spend a lot of time around others. TV and even phones/computers tank my ability and opportunities for creating something new. It’s likely music, discussions, writing to someone, or anything that feeds me (by giving it away!)
So, yeah, my thinking has been active today.
Lastly, I just sent a message to someone here, and I realized I’m having a CFW moment. I have feelings of hope and freedom sitting right next to old pain–and I feel BOTH at the same time. I didn’t even use CFW yesterday, and I’ve seen Saint and others report this a couple of times.
So, my day was very productive up in my head.
Second rest day
I woke up feeling some hope, and right underneath it, sadness. I’m even wanting to write in 3rd person to hold on to it.
I own this sadness since it shows CFW (and all recent ZP subs) are breaking through my unwillingness to change. I felt a bit of freedom in that sadness. And I truly desire that freedom.
Everything else is yada yada.
I did Rebirth and LB my last listening day. I’m unsure what I’ll use tomorrow, but LB will be one. Even having a flashback now of 20 years ago chasing an unavailable woman. I even knew she didn’t want a relationship. I felt like a child around my mom. Owww. It’s all I knew/know…more owww.
I don’t want to get up this morning since I don’t want to run away from this. I’m so used to getting up and looking for ways to COPE vs. feel. Getting up.
I even just erased something since it was a “look good” lie.
First impulse: coffee. I like it, but it gives me temporary emotional amnesia.
Realized I’m playing the helpless card. Out now.
One way might be reminding yourself of all the other old beliefs you have outgrown and become a better version of you because of it.
I’m not sure what you want ideas on.
Alchemist stage 1 is about removing negative energy. I wonder if all the negative energy was removed from your life how much more pleasant your life might be?
Remember that healing subliminals may eclipse other programs, AND CFW has a Regeneration type scripting in it.
Listening to CFW and Love Bomb
I have/had mixed feelings about running CFW this morning. Yesterday I had remembrances of listening to the original Chosen and it did give me more outward positive attention. I’m unsure at this moment if it’s the same with CFW, but the inward attention is definitely ramped up. And Regeneration is much more active in CFW.
I’ve had some recon, since last night I was having the subtle switching preferences in my head going. And past memories surfacing is new and powerful. I’ve very rarely had old memories surface with clear insight to what I was doing then, so I found yesterday’s flashback beneficial.
Went back and read my writing–and I interpret recon like I’m doing something “bad”, and I admit it like I’m confessing a character flaw. I’m even feeling shame admitting this. I’ve seen good outcomes of dealing with recon…I just have believed “it’s a sign I’m doing something WRONG”. Judging myself. I was taught that growing up. More specifically, "if things are going well, you’re not worthy of them", and I f*** it up. Some childhood memories surfacing now.
Feeling some guilt, shame, and fear presently. Guilt and shame recycle old mistakes. Fear acts like a master over the others, threatening me with more guilt and shame if I share it.
Damn lies.
It’s quite the opposite. Often when something initially feels uncomfortable, it’s a sign that you’re doing something right.
Keep going Brother.
Thanks @RVconsultant
Smiling. I realize I’m trying to plan for the future running DR. It’s nothing different from me planning how I’ll see life after running DR. Kind of futile. These plans never come to pass, in my experience.
I wasn’t either. I was dancing around, avoiding the fear I was feeling. It was verbal blahhhhh.
It’s possible. I’m going to keep my eyes on DR at this time though. Speaking honestly, I’m seeing others seeing a spiritual side in me. Even writing that brought up old memories of my self-perception in my teens while being in the Catholic church. The parallel is this: no one knew me then too. I kept everything inside. Isolation was my refuge, but it ate at my self-acceptance and self-appreciation. I think that’s why I pull back when thinking of involving myself in spiritual gatherings once again. It hurts just remembering it…and that’s my main filter presently for it.
I’m thinking of using LB and a touch of Sanguine with DR mostly. DR is pretty comprehensive by itself. I’ll climb one mountain at a time here 
That hit me and choked me up. Thank you.
I stayed here this morning, trying to hold on to the fact that others care about me. I wrote a lot longer than normal. Gotta leave for work SOON. Like in 10 minutes.
I’m glad I stayed.
I don’t know about planning, but I will tell you, that self torture your mind does, it will actually be gone.
Listening Day (cont.)
I had feelings I actually welcomed today while at work. I felt like I’d stepped into DR feelings, like I know I’ve been facing emotional danger, but I wasn’t overwhelmed by fear and its normal cousins. I could look at it and not shut down everything emotionally.
It was encouraging to say the least. I let my mind drift, and most of this day I’ve been considering real solutions for myself. Going to bed early now, for one.
First rest day
I’ve been waking up more and more while feeling increased hope and freedom. I usually hold back a lot from writing, but there’s more freedom in expressing some of it, like actually telling on myself.
I keep trying to put the responsibility on others for why I feel this way, but that’s not it. That’s hand waving my results away. I’m feeling (strangely) more in touch with myself. I’ve had rest days, even recently, where it seemed like my world was going to shit, and as I look back, I realize I needed to go through something I’ve avoided time and time again.
This whole process of me walking into painful chaos in my mind is freeing me of it, piece by piece. And even writing about it awoke some old fears which still need a reality check. But… I’m choosing to keep my eyes on the good stuff, the successes. I could recycle that ALL day.
My negative mental chatter is fighting for attention the more I write. Whateva.
Gonna head out. I’m ready to have a good day.
Second rest day
I woke up very relaxed. I had no need to write.
While showering, I remembered yesterday. A thought and feeling I’d never experienced in such a way.
To summarize, I’ve put my COMPLETE value of myself in other people’s hands. If they liked me, I felt good. If they didn’t, I felt bad. Yesterday, I felt detached and not in need of anyone else valuing me. This feeling alone highlighted how I am living and have been living.
I’d put everything that is me out there, seeking anyone’s/everyone’s acceptance and approval. Feeling “not in need” is very different viewpoint, but I’m drawn toward it.
I have no words or past experiences to compare this. But I am feeling peaceful this morning.
Second rest day (cont.)
I came here, seeking attention, and nothing else.
I remembered yesterday’s moments, and felt it today.
I’m liking what’s happening, but who am I now?
I know how to “do”, how to perform. But just “being”, I’m not so sure.
I feel I’m still fishing for praise and compliments. CFW doesn’t go that way. I’m beginning (even fearfully) to look into what’s happening while running this. I’m feeling some loss over this change, and I accept that.
And I know nothing about this song, but heard it today. I’m wondering why it’s on my mind.
Listened to CFW and Rebirth, both for 5 minutes each.
I tried 5 minute loops this morning. I feel different. Like something’s going on in my gut, like when I’ve used healing subs and my mind resisted. I’m not sure I’ve felt this–or been aware of it–using CFW. Let’s see what happens.
I did wake up reluctantly, snoozing for a half hour. I’m unsure if it’s ZP or my isochronic sleep tones I’ve been using. It might be both. No alarm clock needed tomorrow. I need to take more Saturdays off.
I don’t know the outcome of listening for 5 minutes, but it sure feels easier on the brain. No magic, just less exposure I guess.
I’ll let you know later. I had some recon while showering. It’s going away now.
Recon stuck around today.
It’s forcing me to be honest. I felt good shortly after listening this morning, but I’ve felt really discouraged most of the day. I wanted to start with writing “how do I do this?” and I immediately realized I was holding back. My question changed from “how” to “why?” I hold back, hold back, hold back…but I really NEED and want to be more emotionally honest. I often end up puking here, so some may think I emote a lot. But…no. I show a lot of “likable” stuff, which ain’t honest. It’s just easier to take. More palatable. Less fear-producing for me. I hide behind a shield of smiles which really hurts me after a while. I’ll feel weak one day and want to hide so I’m not rejected.
I feel like I’m hiding right now, like my mind is actively dodging what’s REALLY going on.
I think this began yesterday. Yesterday, working alone, I was playing these comical skits in my head playing some backwoods country boy, making up the stories as I went along, twang and all. I found myself laughing at myself a couple of times.
And in context here, I remembered Howie Mandel of AGT responding to a guy who had a legitimate stutter, and he did comedy making fun of himself. Howie got emotional, saying most comedy comes from a dark place, and he was touched since this guy was owning his stuff using humor. He even gave him the golden buzzer for it.
Whenever my jokes begin, I sense that I’ve been in “run away” mode. I’m not one to throw jokes around easily, but I do find a lot of humor in people’s words and actions. I work with all guys, and bullshit flies left and right. It’s easy to spot, so I am humored a lot.
Yesterday was my 2nd rest day, and stuff often surfaces heavily that day. Me imagining hillbilly skits with this was me “coping” with my inner fear since Regeneration is very active in CFW.
I think it is Rebirth kicking up stuff today though. It’s much stronger
Here’s the video
End of first rest day
Why did I drop emotionally?
What am I standing on emotionally?
Why am I feeling this?
I was home 90% of the day, then realized me putting off laundry would make my coming workweek harder, so I got out and did it. I was purposefully in my own world, not wishing to really attract any attention. But I realized I was doing exactly that. I began to really dwell on it. People noticed me. A few called me “sir”. One woman brightened up considerably by me just giving her eye contact. I felt good, finished my loads, and headed home.
I decided to stop at my usual dollar store, knowing it was late. But I stopped, walked toward the door, saw a woman checking it from the inside, so I turned around, realizing they’d closed at 8. But I turned around, looked at the door and adjacent windows for an hours sign, not seeing one. So I pulled on the door handle. The look from the cashier I allowed to really get to me. It reeked of disgust, and I was both hurt and angered. A simple damn sign would have helped everyone. My mood was all downhill from there. I’d been swept off my feel-good platform.
I even got on the corporate website sharing I’ll not go back for more treatment like that anytime soon. I’ve never–never–made a complaint online. I even left that in my message. The “disgust” look hooked into me.
I could try to understand this, but not now. Sleep is needed.
And a very relevant question is digging into me: what am I holding on to?