It’s quite the opposite. Often when something initially feels uncomfortable, it’s a sign that you’re doing something right.
Keep going Brother.
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Thanks @RVconsultant
Smiling. I realize I’m trying to plan for the future running DR. It’s nothing different from me planning how I’ll see life after running DR. Kind of futile. These plans never come to pass, in my experience.
I wasn’t either. I was dancing around, avoiding the fear I was feeling. It was verbal blahhhhh.
It’s possible. I’m going to keep my eyes on DR at this time though. Speaking honestly, I’m seeing others seeing a spiritual side in me. Even writing that brought up old memories of my self-perception in my teens while being in the Catholic church. The parallel is this: no one knew me then too. I kept everything inside. Isolation was my refuge, but it ate at my self-acceptance and self-appreciation. I think that’s why I pull back when thinking of involving myself in spiritual gatherings once again. It hurts just remembering it…and that’s my main filter presently for it.
I’m thinking of using LB and a touch of Sanguine with DR mostly. DR is pretty comprehensive by itself. I’ll climb one mountain at a time here 
That hit me and choked me up. Thank you.
I stayed here this morning, trying to hold on to the fact that others care about me. I wrote a lot longer than normal. Gotta leave for work SOON. Like in 10 minutes.
I’m glad I stayed.
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I don’t know about planning, but I will tell you, that self torture your mind does, it will actually be gone.
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Listening Day (cont.)
I had feelings I actually welcomed today while at work. I felt like I’d stepped into DR feelings, like I know I’ve been facing emotional danger, but I wasn’t overwhelmed by fear and its normal cousins. I could look at it and not shut down everything emotionally.
It was encouraging to say the least. I let my mind drift, and most of this day I’ve been considering real solutions for myself. Going to bed early now, for one.
First rest day
I’ve been waking up more and more while feeling increased hope and freedom. I usually hold back a lot from writing, but there’s more freedom in expressing some of it, like actually telling on myself.
I keep trying to put the responsibility on others for why I feel this way, but that’s not it. That’s hand waving my results away. I’m feeling (strangely) more in touch with myself. I’ve had rest days, even recently, where it seemed like my world was going to shit, and as I look back, I realize I needed to go through something I’ve avoided time and time again.
This whole process of me walking into painful chaos in my mind is freeing me of it, piece by piece. And even writing about it awoke some old fears which still need a reality check. But… I’m choosing to keep my eyes on the good stuff, the successes. I could recycle that ALL day.
My negative mental chatter is fighting for attention the more I write. Whateva.
Gonna head out. I’m ready to have a good day.
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Second rest day
I woke up very relaxed. I had no need to write.
While showering, I remembered yesterday. A thought and feeling I’d never experienced in such a way.
To summarize, I’ve put my COMPLETE value of myself in other people’s hands. If they liked me, I felt good. If they didn’t, I felt bad. Yesterday, I felt detached and not in need of anyone else valuing me. This feeling alone highlighted how I am living and have been living.
I’d put everything that is me out there, seeking anyone’s/everyone’s acceptance and approval. Feeling “not in need” is very different viewpoint, but I’m drawn toward it.
I have no words or past experiences to compare this. But I am feeling peaceful this morning.
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Second rest day (cont.)
I came here, seeking attention, and nothing else.
I remembered yesterday’s moments, and felt it today.
I’m liking what’s happening, but who am I now?
I know how to “do”, how to perform. But just “being”, I’m not so sure.
I feel I’m still fishing for praise and compliments. CFW doesn’t go that way. I’m beginning (even fearfully) to look into what’s happening while running this. I’m feeling some loss over this change, and I accept that.
And I know nothing about this song, but heard it today. I’m wondering why it’s on my mind.
Listened to CFW and Rebirth, both for 5 minutes each.
I tried 5 minute loops this morning. I feel different. Like something’s going on in my gut, like when I’ve used healing subs and my mind resisted. I’m not sure I’ve felt this–or been aware of it–using CFW. Let’s see what happens.
I did wake up reluctantly, snoozing for a half hour. I’m unsure if it’s ZP or my isochronic sleep tones I’ve been using. It might be both. No alarm clock needed tomorrow. I need to take more Saturdays off.
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I don’t know the outcome of listening for 5 minutes, but it sure feels easier on the brain. No magic, just less exposure I guess.
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I’ll let you know later. I had some recon while showering. It’s going away now.
Recon stuck around today.
It’s forcing me to be honest. I felt good shortly after listening this morning, but I’ve felt really discouraged most of the day. I wanted to start with writing “how do I do this?” and I immediately realized I was holding back. My question changed from “how” to “why?” I hold back, hold back, hold back…but I really NEED and want to be more emotionally honest. I often end up puking here, so some may think I emote a lot. But…no. I show a lot of “likable” stuff, which ain’t honest. It’s just easier to take. More palatable. Less fear-producing for me. I hide behind a shield of smiles which really hurts me after a while. I’ll feel weak one day and want to hide so I’m not rejected.
I feel like I’m hiding right now, like my mind is actively dodging what’s REALLY going on.
I think this began yesterday. Yesterday, working alone, I was playing these comical skits in my head playing some backwoods country boy, making up the stories as I went along, twang and all. I found myself laughing at myself a couple of times.
And in context here, I remembered Howie Mandel of AGT responding to a guy who had a legitimate stutter, and he did comedy making fun of himself. Howie got emotional, saying most comedy comes from a dark place, and he was touched since this guy was owning his stuff using humor. He even gave him the golden buzzer for it.
Whenever my jokes begin, I sense that I’ve been in “run away” mode. I’m not one to throw jokes around easily, but I do find a lot of humor in people’s words and actions. I work with all guys, and bullshit flies left and right. It’s easy to spot, so I am humored a lot.
Yesterday was my 2nd rest day, and stuff often surfaces heavily that day. Me imagining hillbilly skits with this was me “coping” with my inner fear since Regeneration is very active in CFW.
I think it is Rebirth kicking up stuff today though. It’s much stronger
Here’s the video
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End of first rest day
Why did I drop emotionally?
What am I standing on emotionally?
Why am I feeling this?
I was home 90% of the day, then realized me putting off laundry would make my coming workweek harder, so I got out and did it. I was purposefully in my own world, not wishing to really attract any attention. But I realized I was doing exactly that. I began to really dwell on it. People noticed me. A few called me “sir”. One woman brightened up considerably by me just giving her eye contact. I felt good, finished my loads, and headed home.
I decided to stop at my usual dollar store, knowing it was late. But I stopped, walked toward the door, saw a woman checking it from the inside, so I turned around, realizing they’d closed at 8. But I turned around, looked at the door and adjacent windows for an hours sign, not seeing one. So I pulled on the door handle. The look from the cashier I allowed to really get to me. It reeked of disgust, and I was both hurt and angered. A simple damn sign would have helped everyone. My mood was all downhill from there. I’d been swept off my feel-good platform.
I even got on the corporate website sharing I’ll not go back for more treatment like that anytime soon. I’ve never–never–made a complaint online. I even left that in my message. The “disgust” look hooked into me.
I could try to understand this, but not now. Sleep is needed.
And a very relevant question is digging into me: what am I holding on to?
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2nd rest day
I felt down from last night’s treatment for one very simple reason. I expected women to treat me well. I overinflated myself at the laundromat, and I sought more of it.
The thing I can change is learning from it. What I did I’ve done thousands of times, and I’m glad I can hold on to the truth (hanging on to lies keeps me in hell)
What I do is find people who like me, and I quickly begin laying down my efforts to win approval, and I make it their responsibility/job to make me feel good. Essentially, I take a freely given gift and begin expecting it full-time…nicely at first, but demanding in the end.
I do this since I still don’t treat myself with love at all. I remember treating my girlfriend like this way before we married. Now, I expect rejection when desiring love, and I think it’s me rejecting me vs. them doing it. THAT right there is why I look like an emotional flip-flop, wanting love but constantly denying it. While dating my wife-to-be, I flip-flopped with her, making her very insecure since I made my lack of self-love her fault and responsibility to fix.
I always expected love but didn’t give it back. I lived out the same script with her that I did with my mom. I knew I wanted love from my mom, but she was like I am, not knowing how to do so. I felt very unequipped to love my wife. Very unequipped. I doubted myself constantly, then hoped she’d fill in the gaps. I’d always had that thinking with my mom, but the hopeful me got sucker-punched again and again with Mom.
And loving myself? I keep this shield up to myself and others, meaning I stay on the fringes of relationships. I haven’t had a good friend in a very long time, and my last one (20 years back, specifically) I know I had those same needs coupled with expectations that he “feed” me regularly. I’ve had good guys want to be my friend since that one, but I’ve let them all fizzle early since my same thinking came with my feelings of wanting love. Me keeping distance is how I’ve coped. And this truth is slowly weighing on me. I expect some wailing early on using DR since I remember me breaking down gradually in my first weeks.
Can DR fix this? I’m not sure. But I have read DR journals where people began actively studying and searching out answers for themselves while using DR. I like that model. I’m just ready to break from holding everything inside. I hurt since I’ve practiced what I know. I don’t want to do this anymore!!!
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My thoughts today. I read the Kahn ZP discussion thread. I am considering doing Kahn over DR.
I listened to CFW and LB this morning. It’s my last time listening to this before I begin on Kahn. I’ll have 5 days off (2 rest days + 3 washout days).
I’ll be starting on Kahn on Valantine’s Day, Feb. 14.
I’ve had doubts about it, sure.
I’m just sick of getting screwed, whether by others or by myself. Sick of it. This is no one else’s fault. I own that alone. I’m heading towards Kahn presently.
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2nd rest day? I think.
My mind’s been holding on to glimpses I’ve had of beautiful women I’ve seen while on the job. In the last 2 days, I’ve grown much more desiring of being with a woman. My mind’s hung on to glimpses of women I’ve seen while out in town, and it’s even grown.
It must be Love Bomb. CFW brings confidence and courage, while LB brings up natural desire for relationships. And to be real, it’s been for physical relationships. I wondered if something surreal was happening as I’ve thought about Kahn. I’m enjoying it.
I also sent a number of questions to support about Kahn. I asked if Kahn would vibe with LB. I’ll see.
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On male relationships, CFW has been digging in, Regeneration specifically.
I’ve been very wary to post recently since old ways and beliefs just aren’t working. I’m unsure what’s happening, but I’m trusting it. Moving forward with wrong beliefs isn’t something I am endorsing. I’ve noticed I’ve been revisiting old bad feelings and memories while working with a unstable coworker yesterday. I’d not had such thoughts since using a emotional healing sub from (he who must not be named). I had more self control, but I began feeling like an angry victim again. Fuck that.
Self control won. I didn’t retaliate since old memories were stirred. It’s like I’m “almost” close to touching and healing that wound. Thank God.
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Last day of washout, ending this healing episode
Starting Stark tomorrow
I just got back from doing laundry, and I had a unique experience happen. Seems like Regen is still working.
The strange coincidence which happened (I rarely notice these things) is most of the people washing clothes were young men and boys. Usually, I see mostly women, but not today. And I had a living and feeling memory pop up.
2 hispanic boys/men were doing their clothes, and I noticed I was a little physically tense around them when close. My own brother violated me in my teens, and I’ve not worked all the way through it.
But here’s what happened in my thoughts: I felt like I was 11-12 years old, and EVERYTHING seemed like life or death. When we were younger, me and my brothers did laundry on public machines since Mom was at work. And in that memory/flashback, I even said to myself that I’d do ANYTHING to win Mom’s love–which I realized was my ultimate goal in this memory. I suddenly felt responsible for me and my brothers gaining Mom’s love—and I felt proud to stick with brothers who sought the same thing (though it was unspoken).
But pain was felt too, right in my chest. Mom never gave love away, it seemed. The pain and sadness was a knowing that she couldn’t give it away, and wouldn’t. I knew we’d already lost. That pain and shame stayed with us boys. It stayed with me. I’ve blamed myself for ages for this. I happen to know one of them still blames himself as well.
And my life’s daily FOCUS: I’ve kept my attention on male relationships since my experience says men are more emotionally available than women. As an adult now, I can poke holes in that statement, but that belief didn’t come from an adult.
In essence, much of my striving in life has been aimed at that same goal. And it’s been held back repeatedly since I’ve believed (the kid in me has believed) I would only find unavailable women. Just mirrors of Mom. Another woman to not love me. So being “safe” by being alone has been my normal default. Gawd…
I’m kind of grateful I’m starting Stark tomorrow since it has a highly social focus. Me dwelling on the thoughts I just shared is an old melancholy habit, and my perceptions are definitely not all accurate. I paint women with too broad of a brush a lot, and good women are out there. I’ve been very reluctant to actually look for one.
Edit: I have planned on waiting a week before adding Love Bomb. Is this best? I’m asking.
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