First rest day.
Rebirth is still working and rearranging my thinking this morning. But it’s peaceful, not plagued by constant pain and adamant resistance.
Numerous things seem to be working out fine as I consider them. One thing is a financial matter, and my mind yesterday was preparing for the absolute worst, me looking for victim coping strategies. And nothing happened like I’d imagined. Nothing at all.
So Rebirth is doing its work. It works with real life, not imagined disasters.
2nd rest day.
I have a question about my stack tomorrow. I’ve been running Chosen primarily, I’m pausing Regeneration, and I added Rebirth 2 days ago. I’m considering running Love Bomb with Rebirth tomorrow since I don’t want to miss out on Rebirth’s offering. I’m throwing this out wondering if I would be missing anything.
I’d probably run Chosen solo the next listening day–a 3 ZP rotation. I’ll wait until listening tomorrow to decide though. I’m unsure how powerful Love Bomb will be.
I would say try it out and see how it feels, but just watch out for overexposure, I’ve noticed that one looses a bit of good judgment then 
I will run it tomorrow. I’m going to run it solo so I know how it feels.
First day of washout.
Having started Chosen From Within just days ago, I’ve had different thoughts and desires, which are good. I think specifics would help here.
Sometimes I’d be hating on myself, and I’d come here to write. I’d feel pain, and I’d inevitably share how helpless I felt. I’d feel bad about that, and I’d try to not ask for help, though I wanted it. It’s old training from childhood, me still playing the script of being a helpless, dependent little brother.
CFW offers something different. To be honest, comparing old and new next to each other has me in a state of disbelief. It’s not loud. It’s just very real and personal.
Yesterday I did 2 loops. Too much for me, but no recon. I felt sappy during the second loop. And I never felt that internal self-hate rant going on throughout my day. Never. I faced some normal choices of doing old pain-making behavior or making new choices, and I did do some changeups. I felt better about myself, and I made the choice to do small things I could feel good about.
Love. Talking about love. This is about loving myself now, then sharing it.
I watched a movie last night about families in a community taking in foster children after their foster home burnt down. The main adult character was unwilling to help out. but his dad took the lead and took 2 children in since they lived together. It was a simple, beautiful story.
I was still dreaming this morning, and my attention was me being in that town in the movie. These were normal people with normal lives. Nothing loud or exciting. But the main character had friends who loved him. And he loved them, just being himself.
I want that. I really do. I know all the things I don’t want. My mind tries to pull me towards them constantly. But CFW is running interference and winning. Love just feels better.
I want that.
As I look through my day, I’m drawn to do things which are good for me. Everything from cooking a good meal, to planning on picking up around here.
The difference is I used to feel helpless to old destructive desires. It caused me pain, knowing I was doing it. I wouldn’t tell others about this since it seemed to beg questioning or scornful looks. I’m an adult. I should know how to treat myself. I just kept doing the same things over and over again.
That isolated me bigtime. I isolated me.
So, CFW is doing some major work in my thinking. It’s dissolving old norms, and I welcome it. Loving myself (if that’s what this is) feels good. Peaceful even. I’ll take this.
I was reading some journals this morning, and I got attracted to Emperor’s non-procrastinating, goal driven mentality. Mixing that with some self-loving would be fantastic. I’m wondering if @SaintSovereign has considered this in a one-and-done subliminal.
Hearing that CFW kept you in a positive state of mind when challenged is significant. Pleased to hear it.
Self love as sappy as it sounds is probably the key to a good life. Maybe the level of love first received becomes all that one deserves in life, but life gets better with awareness. Hope so.
Thanks @Michel for the “self love” reminder that it IS important. This is new to me, though I may have experienced it for very short time periods under safe conditions.
The “new” part is experiencing it when NOT under safe conditions, like around coworkers or strangers. That’s new.
Repeating what I said today, part of me is raising a crisis of belief about this change. Maybe “not believing” is part of me hanging on to the old known ways. It definitely feels fear-motivated.
Honestly, some old ways just suck and work against me continually. They’re lies posing as truth, keeping me distressed. But love is melting the glue that binds them, so I’m enjoying this change 
2nd day of washout.
I wrote about wanting friends who loved me, and I’m writing for me so I’ll be thinking of it today.
I shared last week I’ve been working with one guy who I’m feeling I can trust. He’s very down-to-earth and not a chronic bs’er.
Well, he called me 2ce this weekend, the 2nd call I’d not even seen until yesterday. I hadn’t called earlier since I’d not paid my phone bill yet, and I paid it yesterday afternoon. I didn’t call him though.
I’ll see him this morning. BSing is easy…but not comfortable really. My face would show it, and I’d not want to do that, hurting myself in the process. I’ll be honest with him about my phone being off.
A truth which is really true is that it’s been a while since I’ve had a real friend. I’ve bs’ed a lot around others in recent years, playing some role. I’ll just be honest with him, but not about that last part. Not yet anyway.
I’m learning and desiring to be real with people. It’s freeing. It’s scary initially, but that’s usually all in my own head.
3rd washout day.
Wondering about tomorrow. I’ve been doing 2 rest days, but I only used one my very last listening day. I craved CFW, so I bit. It has everything I’ve wanted, so I only took one rest day. Being completely truthful, I’m feeling fearful of someone being mad at me if I took 3 washout days vs. 5. That’s what’s on my mind, rather than positive feelings.
Maybe Regeneration is kicking something up? I’m feeling like I’ve done something bad.
That would summarize how I’ve felt a lot of my life. Like I’ve been bad, and …damm…I’m…unloveable. Why I’ve turned away from soooo many people. Why success scared me. I turned a contract teaching offer down 20 years ago–all I had to do was sign–but I couldn’t. I was terrified someone would find out this truth I was so ashamed of.
I kept my former wife at arms distance since I was afraid of the same thing.
And all friends too. Even now.
I’m wanting to be inspirational. I’m just a mess right now, crying while writing. That feeling of “no one wants me” rose up…lonely…sad…isolated… Regen is touching this. Crying
I’m in a mad/bad mood.
When I looked over today shortly before writing, I saw something which bothered me all day. With 2 different individuals, I felt like there was little I could do right, as both talked to me like they know all, and I needed to be talked down to.
The first I replied finally to a critique, and I sensed by his response that it got him. I’m thinking he was unaware of his attitude towards me. I actually toned down quickly, seeing him trying to correct himself, and our day went infinitely smoother after that. I just spoke my mind finally.
The other one I’ve not addressed yet. I was given a judgemental critique without any support in his case, so his judgment pissed me off. I wanted to cool down before speaking to him.
If this is manifestation, CFW manifested some challenges to me keeping my thoughts to myself and not defending myself. If someone gives me shit treatment, I need to speak up. Otherwise, I’ll just stew with it.
I did feel good about defending myself with the first guy. Gotta talk to the other guy now.
I did tell the other guy. I’m feeling mentally stabler, like I can speak up if I need to.
I’m feeling this (good) disconnect now. Before contacting him (it was an email I’d received), I’d had old thoughts and FEARS of him abandoning me. That fear I’ve reacted to 1000’s of times, mostly by dismissing other’s actions or words.
But now that I replied, I’m not thinking of that at all.
What happened? 
As a couple wise men have said, anxiety is the mind’s way of telling you that you need to do something.
Thanks man. It must be true. I’m not obsessing on it anymore.
I can rest now, umm…after doing my dishes 
4th washout day. Doing 5 days. I don’t need to rush it. And I’m wondering what else may surface.
Regarding my own judgements yesterday, I got an honest reply from the 2nd guy this morning. I think my world is challenging, then I hear someone else’s story. It was moving. Wow. I just didn’t know his circumstances, what he’s had to face himself.
It was a real reality check. I had no idea.
Day 4 almost complete. Regeneration seems to be executing
2 things.
i’m considering adding Rebirth Friday morning to CFW. CFW worked beautifully solo at one loop, but Regen is playing with my emotions right now. So I’ll wait to decide
I’m also considering DR when it comes out since I’m feeling a lot of fear and unrest currently. I’m just sick of having fear steer me in every second, and my memory of DR was it working on deep stuff, but in unexpected and non-traumatic ways.
About today, our head boss made a comment about me to another manager and I took it inside and felt pretty unwanted. I came home, ate, and jumped in bed in my work clothes. I wanted to hide and sleep was my outlet. i imagined Ascension making me feel more detached. I’m just sick of allowing people to determine my self worth. That’s a fucking emotional drain. I could go on and on about this since I do this daily, sometimes more, sometimes less. Regen brought it to the surface.
I’m also siding with Jcast’s recent comment in a thread: “Get over yourself”. I originally took it personally–and it wasn’t even to me. But sitting here, fear is running me. It really is. Tired of relooping the same old shit in life. Damn.
Last day of washout.
So anxiety is a sign I need to take action? I reached out to someone this morning. I aired something I was afraid to talk about before.
Still feeling nervous since I usually avoid such conversations. This was the opposite of me hiding.
Regarding subs, I’m wondering if Saint kept that motivational piece in CFW’s Regeneration, the part that awakens, gains momentum, and keeps busting through past obstacles. Maybe.
2 things are on my mind I want to share.
First, I was in a poor part of town today for lunch. While sitting in our truck with another guy, I suddenly felt like I was 7 or 8 years old, when I lived in a poor area.
What caught me by surprise is that I welcomed it. When I was young, I had no cares about money and how it divides some people. I didn’t know I was poor, and I didn’t identify with it. We were just kids.
As I looked around from our truck, I felt like I’d stepped back in time, and I realized I felt comfortable in this area emotionally. I even told my coworker since our family had moved to another city a year later, and money was a social standard in the new city. I never felt accepted when around others there. People seemed accepted or rejected based on wealth accumulation or lack of it, and we definitely lacked. I bring this up since I’m seeking my own standard with wealth, and in the area I was in, there wasn’t a lot of posing going on. I embraced the freedom to be who I was, not to be who someone else wanted or expected me to be. It was very relaxing.
I’ll make a new post for the 2nd item.
Secondly, I watched some Elon Musk videos yesterday which Simon shared in a thread, and something about Musk caught me. His self-importance and entitlement was really disgusting.
I wondered “am I a narcissist?” I’ve barely even known what one was. I googled it in fact.
I’ve drifted towards some of these, but the truth is I’ve always felt pretty unimportant, even incompetent, which is why I credit and trust others so quickly. If I focus on you and your strengths, you might not see me, or how I really view myself. I feel like I make shit up a lot since I don’t value myself much, and my bs is all a cover for this.
That’s been on my mind, and I wanted to spill it. Thank you @SaintSovereign for making CFW. I’m not sure exactly what it’s doing, but it really feels nice. Like I’m more grounded and able to handle day-to-day problems. I’ll take that any day of the week.
I’m also unsure if I’ll do LB tomorrow afternoon, but I’m considering it. I’ll let CFW simmer throughout the day, and if it’s still cooking in the afternoon, I won’t run LB.