Chase’s freewriting journal

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#82

So…funny reflex. I originally shared the song Waiting for Love by Avicii. The thing was I only heard it but never watched its music video(s). Turned out both (the audacity of it all!) of its official videos brought me to the verge of tears (I didn’t finish either of them). I felt too raw and too much feelings and couldn’t stand either of them, and now the song. My immediate reflex was I had to cut all the feelings and emotions at the head as soon as possible like my life depended on it.

I felt vulnerable and extremely uncomfortable to experience such emotions most of my life. In practice I avoid anything that triggers such reactions in me for a long time. If a movie or comic/manga or song (or music videos in this case) triggered me I stopped it right away.

For a short while I thought about joining brotherhood for all the wrong reasons. One of them was so then I would keep a distance from everything in real life that made me feel vulnerable under a seemingly respectable pretense. So that I could tell myself and others I chose poverty and celibacy and obedience not because I was too scarred and hurt and helpless to face anything that whirl up emotions.

Come to think of it it is really ironic the lyrics of the song mentioned was actually okay uplifting and fitting for my life and my vibe. Yet it’s the very example of reconciliation playing right in front of our eyes. I am at war with myself.

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#83

9m (Nine!) EoG1. Was 50/50 on whether to stay on 7m or move on to 9m. Eventually went into some kind of trace by focusing on the different layers of water movement/sounds and reached 9m easily (could have easily gone beyond but reminded myself to take it slow).

Since ran out of supplements I sometimes felt slightly more tired/less energy but nothing couldn’t be solved by good old fashion nutrient meals. If anything good meals alone were more than enough to keep my body and mind uplifted. It’s just supplements were cheaper and convenient.

Sleep has been a bit unstable. The inclination of waking up in the middle of the night with no reasons and couldn’t go back to sleep right away made a come back.

Was so closed pulling the trigger to buy KB standard major/store title and maybe GLM, even thought about getting EoG too (that’s more my ocd talking to keep the whole stack standard store titles).

I don’t know whether KB, if it could feel lol, would find this insulting or not but I am holding paradoxical views towards it (and spiritual or intangible matters or principles). On one hand I believe in its effects and usefulness or I wouldn’t think of buying it. On the other hand I choose it because I am comfortable knowing it couldn’t affect me negatively due to the nature and the theme of it. It’s like I am holding expectations while at the same time not expecting anything lol

These days people seemed to notice me more and treat me better, especially in commercial settings. Not that I was being treated badly before but the attitude before was indifferent or oblivious, I was just a passer by. Now I feel like they subconsciously saw me as a person who was able to afford/buy/pay, and worthy of their attention and time. But then it could be a self fulfilling prophecy. Before I was awkward and anxious, and acted it when it came to money matters and avoided interactions. These days I am more open and comfortable, and act it and willing to do small talk.

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#84

Came across Simon’s post about the majority of time of trading was about waiting and not yet (e.g. not trading), and that’s how I’ve felt. Fire and Saint always talk about taking actions and it makes perfectly sense on paper. Yet the one problem (a specific me problem) is I can’t distinguish the right actions from wrong actions and the right timing from wrong timing in practice. The one analogy I always think of/reminded of is the rising from the pit scene in the Dark Knight Rises. Batman lets go of everything and makes the leap successfully=takes action, but many before him took equal action, failed and fell to death. Just like trading, one trades and gains=takes action, but another trades and loses was also taking action.

Now in contrast to being in the flow. The thing is it takes a specific “wavelength” for this to happen, it can’t be forced. So again take the above example, when Batman prepared and forced himself to jump, he failed. Only when he feels the moment and lets go, then he succeeds. What I am saying (asking) is from my experiences the best actions/moments to take action was when I was pinged by intuition, that’s when I benefited the most. Otherwise the value to effort ratio was much closer to 0 than 1. Again the issue is for the intuition to come, a specific mood or mentality had to be in me but again I had no control except for it to come to me.

I’ll give a real life example. I was going to pay for something but had a vague feeling holding me back, a vague feeling of there was something better/more fitting to my wish. Turned out in another corner of the shop a newer and better version of it was available at the same price.

Ha…all of sudden it’s like a fog was lifted and I am catching myself in real time I am maybe over-complicating things a bit (though the above does live rent free in my mind and makes me wonder from time to time). As I typed a more carefree version of me came out and said who cares and it’s not about taking actions in the way you “think”, it’s about living and experiencing life. Everything is interwoven and I have all this “questions” because I take one section/snap out of the whole and then analyze it to death. Maybe taking actions aren’t the words for my taste. I have more understanding when it’s about doing, about living, about experiencing, hence there is no right or wrong. This moment I am all about a fuck it who cares dive in head first kind of vibe. P.S. this must be similar to how anti-recon (which I don’t have) feels or works.

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#85

9m EoG1 with Winner Overdrive (for the sake of clarity in case anyone wonders, all the previous mentioned EoG1 has always been name embedded with Winner Overdrive.)

I got why in the micro loop guidelines Saint suggests one goes all the way to 15m from 7m. It seems quite true 7m is a turning point that once it is reached the coast is mostly clear. Still I planned to do, and am still aiming to do so, 7, 9, 11, 13, and finally 15m just to be safe and consistent (since I did 30s, 1, 3 and 5m).

EoG1 is digging deeper. By that I mean these days my mind hardly focused on external factors and circumstances; life goes on and let live. Instead my mind spent the resources on reshaping my beliefs, understanding, worldview etc…it (subconsciousness) tried to target them in whatever ways that got my (consciousness) interest and attention; anything that got me reconsider and build up hope and confidence. The latest present is Retrocausality. I am still checking it out and to be honest it doesn’t matter how accurate it is (or any other present). What it does is it represents an alternative and opens my eyes and mind to outside possibilities so that I won’t feel stuck with no way out as I once felt.

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#86

Some random but intuitive thoughts came to me:

If one drop of water is taken from the east side of the sea (or any single direction or location for the matter), it is taken from the all sides of the sea.

There is no good or bad event/incident etc…there is only happenstance and our subjective interpretation.
E.g. one’s loss is another’s gain; one boxer lost the game another boxer wins the championship.
E.g. a blessing in disguise; one missed a profitable investment, turned out it was a scam.
E.g. interaction of causes and conditions; we are part of the causes and we are part of the conditions.

Absence is Presence. The space in between is contrast to its surroundings. The void can be filled/imagined by whatever one wants it to be. If a higher being moves super fast enough non stop it is always here and always not at the same time.

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#87

No listening with an extra rest day.

Sleep is still bad, tossing and turning in bed. Neck pain has also made a come back.

For the past few days I could feel being pulled in two directions whenever I daydreamed/fantasizing. Just when I got my head in the clouds there’s a phantom pull that dragged my mind down. In short escapism was getting harder to reach. Lost interest in a lot of things, e.g. comics, movies, and other activities including visiting and taking part here.

Felt quite indifferent and couldn’t be bothered in a slight defeatist sense.

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#88

I don’t know how I missed this but it suddenly dawned on me that I am going through NoFap Flatline. I know I could be oblivious but the symptoms and the timing of whenever it happened…it is the level of wouldn’t-know-it-if-it-hit-you-in-your-face. Come to think of it, nofap rebooting plus sub listening = flatline mingles with recon.

I have been practicing nofap for a few years, but obviously there were resets throughout the journey. I only realized now that I never paid attentions to symptoms. I mean I did read about that but clearly they didn’t stick. All I noticed was whether I had the urge, whether I was restless, whether I was tempted etc.

The timing of this realization is quite right as it is officially No Nut November. Now that I am aware I am able to use this knowledge and push through this month and beyond :muscle:

#89

9m EoG1 with Winner Overdrive

Both Sep and Oct are officially pure EoG1 month. However since I sometimes took 3 rest days in between I am only on 23rd listening day.

Still feeling low and resigned actually; tried to cheer myself up but couldn’t be bothered - what’s the point + everything in my life is meaningless. Hoping this is just nofap flatline + recon, hence temporary, but worry that I might lose aspiration and optimism for real.

Beginning to think carelessness is a family trait. A family member renewed a subscription without realizing the price was double and the benefits weren’t as good. That happened a while ago. Anyway a couple of days ago she told me yes the subscription was renewed (she could access everything) but somehow no charged was made at all. I chalked this up to EoG1 covering my family. I noticed before that subs worked on those closest to me, sometimes even before me.

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#90

You know I learned somewhere that apathy is usually a sign something is about to be released or a breakthrough is about to happen

I might be off the mark with what you’re going through or this might be helpful

I used chatgpt here to check what I remember:

apathy can often show up right before a big emotional release or breakthrough, though it depends on the person and the process.

Here’s what tends to happen:

  1. Emotional Numbing as a Defense

When you’re close to touching a deep or painful emotion, your mind and body often protect you by dulling your feelings — what we call apathy, numbness, or emptiness. It’s like a safety buffer before the release. You’re no longer fully repressing, but you’re not yet able to feel the emotion safely.

  1. Signs You’re Near a Release

You might notice:
• A sense of “flatness” or “not caring” where you used to feel intensity
• Fatigue or disconnection from yourself
• Random memories, dreams, or sensations surfacing
• Subtle irritation, restlessness, or tears coming for no clear reason

These are often signs that your system is loosening its grip on stored emotion.

  1. What Usually Follows

If you stay gentle and present — not forcing anything, but also not running — that numbness often gives way to:
• Grief, sadness, anger, or fear finally surfacing
• Physical sensations like warmth, shaking, or deep sighs
• A feeling of clarity, lightness, or quiet afterwards

  1. How to Work With It
    • Don’t try to “break through” the apathy; stay with it kindly. Notice the numbness without judging it.
    • Gentle body movement, journaling, or simply naming “I feel numb right now” helps reconnect awareness.
    • If strong emotions do arise, let them move in safe ways — crying, shaking, breathing deeply, etc.

So yes — apathy can absolutely be a threshold between suppression and release. It’s like the still moment before a wave finally moves

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#91

Regardless whether it is the case I take your post as a sign that it is what is happening. Also you/gpt might be on something. I am not feeling like running away (as too resigned to do so) so paradoxically I am ready (?) to face them I guess.

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#92

Thinking to take an early washout. I have 24 listening day in total following the micro loop guidelines, with 11m being the highest loop.

Have been struggling with recon. Feeling pessimistic overall. On top of that remembering the betrayals and pains in my past relationships.

Feel like hiding myself. The silver lining, if it could be called that, of my weakness and the kind of insecurity is I don’t lash out at others and instead turn and target myself inwards. At least others wont be affected by me.

Moments like this actually tend to hold me back from journaling here or offline. I feel ashamed with all these expressions, and don’t wanna bring down the vibes. But also feel like if I write it down it makes it real. Moreover I believe the theory out there saying if one recalls a painful experience it may retraumizing that person plus what’s the point we can’t change the past. Rationally I am a firm believer of leaving things behind and moving on; crashing anything that doesn’t serve me including myself; be completely anew. Yet can’t seem to make it in practice; lacks resolution, imperviousness and shrewdness to rein my emotions and actions.

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#93

Taking an early washout.

Recon has begun to subside. Was extra hungry and had a big meal, which also helped.

Realized how important sense of humor was in times like this. The catch 22 is one wouldn’t be in recon if one had a sense of humor, but one lost their sense of humor when they were in recon :upside_down_face: :man_shrugging:

On a lighter note recon like this requires the pep talk and no nonsense attitude of Edna Mode from the Incredibles lol

Focus on the Now
I never look back. Darling. It distracts from the now.

Pull Yourself Together
My God! (hit) Pull (hit) Yourself (hit) Together!
Go confront the problem! Fight! Win!

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#94

Felt cracked easily. Have catastrophic thoughts and reactions under the slightest pressure and the first sign of trouble. Basically a family member asked me to handle an overcharged bill of theirs. It was more bureaucratic than I expected; first no reply then being passed from one to another each with a different guidance. Anyways one of them told me since it was in dispute and should be under review I should meanwhile wait for a reply. I told them to wait and today they got a warming letter asking to pay or it would eventually become a legal matter.

Sounds bad but in reality the amount isn’t that big and can be paid off with no issues. It’s just it was mistakenly charged with no explanation whatsoever. Not to mention all the efforts and time spent on clearing it. However when I first saw the letter (and thought about what to do next) an onset of panic attack was coming and I felt like no way out and the feeling of doomed was overwhelming.

I know it’s recon but damn if those feelings and thoughts ain’t crashing. It may also be a wake up call on how weak I am inside and as the journey progresses EoG1 alone no longer cuts it. In an ideal scenario I am getting a name embedded GLM/Ascension with Synergy Song of Joy+Inner Voice (+Harmonic Singularity) and I can tell it’s around the corner, but times like this I really want to just buy the store standard version. Nothing wrong with that per se it’s just if I did it I wouldn’t get the name embedded version for a long time if ever, and I really need a sense of humor to relax mentally emotionally and physically.

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#95

Finished 6 day washout with 9m EoG1 with Winner Overdrive. This cycle, unless a second sub was added, I am going back to standard listening guidelines - 21 days with 5 to 7 day washout.

I am a person who reacts to the external circumstances. However I feel like, no matter how minimal the improvement was, I am becoming better. While still reactive, after the initial negative response (e.g. shocked, panic etc.), I was able to bounce back quicker and easier than I used to be.

When it comes to sub I no longer jumped to different subs simply because every time a new circumstance came up. I am able to get hold on to what’s important/priority. Yet I began to (re)consider getting the Will to Power + Essence Total War name embedded custom as 2nd sub. And it seems I got presult from it with nonresistance.

Insights from TWTP:

I always felt only actions came from heart counted as kindness/authentic; once transactions or calculations were involved the whole action was no longer pure. On top of that I liked helping others, above all when their problems were solved and they were happy as a result. Yet it dawned on me that when one was too available and afforded help when so ever, others eased to appreciate him and began to dehumanize him - he became a tool to them.

Also, growing up we were taught sacrifices for greater good, helping those in need, being unselfish etc. was the right thing, one should thrive to follow these principles. Yet being a nice guy who goes to great lengths for others, especially at his own expense, shows not how good natured he is but in fact it is a reflection on how weak he is. He has no healthy boundaries, he is in fact despondent and projects his inner cry of help on to others. Yet it is a comedy that he tried to save others when he can’t save himself, like a person who is drowning taking up the role of hero to save another drowning person. See from an outside perspective it is clearly absurd hence he is never appreciated and anyone with sane mind will not be able to resonate with him, which in terms makes him even lonelier and hurt, since in his distorted eyes he does everything he can to make others happy.

We deal with people everyday everywhere. Even within monasteries there are hierarchies and conflicts/friction. There is no escape. Instead of being pulled and pushed by actors (and even your own within) surrounding oneself, one needs to actively participate in the game with his eyes open.

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#96

Read a recent post of Fire about listening time, felt like I was off the track/trail and being pulled back by it. The thing about being astray is it never happens straightaway in a straightforward way. It begins a couple of degrees off, it begins small, and it begins really subtly. Anyway when I looked back on this journal, I found posts were more positive and insightful when I was listening to lower loop. I got recon too back then but they seemed to dissipate faster and smoother. On top of that there are posts/users (of EoG) showing big improvements or life changing developments with nothing but short loops. I think I will go back to shorter loops every other day (mainly 5m, maybe 7m, and 3m when I am tired) and see how it goes.

Missed deliberately a time limited free trial of a subscription service (but can be used free with limitations). I hardly took part in such trials, e.g. those require card details, free for a limited period then begins to charge afterwards, as I knew I’d never afford them at the end so why went through the trouble of it all. For example a cloud service let us use free 500GB storage for a year but afterwards one either pays or go back to say 50GB; what’s the point using it if at the end one still has to find space/move them elsewhere for those 450GB, might as well store them somewhere else right from the beginning. Plus it was better to never experience the benefits in the first place, then had them and lost them afterwards.

However I began to think this way of thinking is constraining. Don’t get me wrong I am still against taking up trials randomly or frequently but I think if one needs it or if it feels right, one should go for it; don’t think too much about it (except set a reminder of cancelation unless he is planning to pay for it). Sometimes the experience (not necessarily the benefits) alone are worth trying. Take one step at a time and we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

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#98
EoG1 + presult of TWTP

This post is no shade to any member, just something I noticed and baffled myself.

I noticed some members had a tendency to made a post with nothing but X sub for Ym or no listening/rest day, and that’s it. It doesn’t happen only occasionally, if look at their thread, the majority is such posts. I understand it is their journal and they can write whatever they want, and rationally I get that they maybe using the post as a note in calendar. But every time I read it I couldn’t help but found it a bit profitless. It is because for me, both online and offline, if there wasn’t anything, no matter how slight, worth mentioning, I would skip that day and wrote nothing. And I record my sub use and loop on spreadsheet offline.

On top of that, not saying they are, with the SubClub Elites system, the thought of them gaming the system crossed my mind.

I remembered maybe a year or two ago one member here pointed out how another member was gaming the system by asking random questions then if they got a reply, they would make a post thanking the reply. Such tricks or overall gaming the system didn’t cross my mind at all until I saw the allegation. I remembered feeling surprised at such practice while at the same time almost impressed by their creativity, doing so. But forgot about it soon after.

Yet today I suddenly remembered that and also began to wonder more, in fact apart from the aforementioned practices, I feel like I noticed some other ways that increase the post count with no substance but are done in an even more subtle way.

Again I am not saying these members are playing tricks, this post merely reflects what thoughts popped up in my mind.

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#99

5m5s EoG1

Yea shorter loop seems to bring more clarity and less impulsive to add a random 2nd sub. When I was listening to sub with my eyes closed I was asked repeatedly what exactly I wanted/needed or my priority. A few scenes crossed my mind where I was uncomfortable or felt awkward, and I tried to pinpoint and imagined how the scenarios could be modified to make me feel better/comfortable, and what kinds of alteration brought that. The answer was wealth. I got a voice telling me if it was wealth I needed then it was wealth sub I needed to focus on.

On Sunday I was sitting on a bench outside. The weather wasn’t that great but I wanted some fresher air and alone time. There was a couple sitting on the bench next to me; the young woman was closer to me than her boyfriend. Anyway I couldn’t help but heard what she was saying or showing to the guy. Basically I think she tried subtly (and failed from my perspective) suggesting the guy to buy her something. When I stood up and left, it happened that they also did the same at the same time. I walked their way and they walked my way, and we all made eye contact. The guy was carrying a bouquet. I’d have thought nothing had the guy not acting unnaturally. First he walked really fast and left the girl behind, and because of this alone I glanced at them again, and he saw me looked at her. He abruptly stopped, turned and held out his hand for the woman to take. I almost felt like the woman was as confused as I did, as she held it and looking at me.

Funny enough I felt like I got why the guy was being weird. I think the whole thing stemmed from him not being able to buy whatever the girl was wanting. Then that brought out a feeling of inferior and insecurity. Maybe he jumped to the conclusion thought the whole thing was witnessed by me (which I kinda did in a way but would’ve thought nothing of it or forgot about it completely). Shame and embarrassment reduce a person to nothing but basic reflex (meaning no executive functions etc. plus tunnel vision); I myself know them well. I am not at all judging the woman being materialistic, but I feel bad for him. He got her a bouquet and still it wasn’t enough.

I know it’s attention bias but can’t help but feel like the above was another confirmation on not to date until one has abundant amount to spare.

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#100

3m EoG1

Sleep quality is still poor. If anything it seems it’s slightly worse as I got quite sensitive towards light and noise. Tossing around the whole night with dream after dream.

So Bill Burr has been one of my favorite comedians. Many of his pieces are about men and the ridiculousness we face. He used to be quite brutal lol but some could say he may be more tactical these days. Anyway it shows many men face the same difficulties, challenges or simply ridiculousness across ages, nationalities and upbringings.

I don’t know why (I mean I kinda know but won’t bother digging deeper :see_no_evil: :hear_no_evil: :speak_no_evil:) but feel like sharing this piece. I had no emotions when watched it; felt seen but not triggered. It’s almost like watching a documentary :joy:

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#101

Patrice O Neal and Bill Burr are my favorites. Russell Peters too

The first two were buddies until Patrice passed away. Patrice was a beast! Rest in Peace.

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#102

Oh yes I watched Russell Peters (be a man lol). Gonna check out Patrice O Neal :laughing:

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