Sorry dude. I’ll never be treated like this ever again.
Blocked. Continue your trolling and looking for someone to talk down to. It won’t be me. Ever.
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I listened to 1 minute of LB an hour ago. I felt driven and gave thought to listening to Emperor tonight. And truthfully, I love that drive. I didn’t want to not feel Emperor tomorrow if I listened tonight.
I am uncertain about something, and I’m asking for imput. I built my Emperor/LB custom last night, and beside Furious Ascent and Achilles Heel, I only used Synergy modules. My aim was relationships. I’ve wanted to be more conscious of others around me, both in friendships and romantic relationships (which I’ve been dry in for a long spell.
My hesitation is as I’ve moved towards trading myself, I didn’t want to ignore that or lose out with specific financial opportunities. I wondered about Golden One among others–and I don’t want a kitchen sink sub, throwing everything in there. I also thought about this since SB seemed to be activating in me last week and I loved considering this opportunity, and that opportunity, and anything that came along. I LOVED how SB stimulated my mind.
I’m unsure.
hmm… While writing that I realized the perception of helplessness in finding a partner (me thinking “will she like me? I hope so”.) I’ve held some sense of powerlessness around women, which effectively steers me away from them. Why?
Because I played passive (helpless actually) around women. I felt like that around my mom. She didn’t provide me with what I needed, I could rarely hope for anything besides …her taking something from me (time, attention) when I actually needed that myself. But I actually believed my needs weren’t important. I actually expect that from women. Which is NO fricken draw to me. CFW must be working on this.
I will admit HeartSong sounds much more focused on healing relationship issues. And that’s not my focus presently. (yes, I’m thinking either/or and not “BOTH!”)
For my custom, I’ll give the “relationships or finances?” question some thought. I just like feeling empowered (when waking up my financial brain). Relationships…I’ll focus on me first via LB.
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Day 19
LB last night. 1 minute
Emperor this morning. 3 minutes
I’m having new feelings pop up this morning, or ones I don’t experience often.
I’m feeling a strange sense of sadness. This is uniquely different from normal sadness because I’m not hanging on fiercely. That’s why this stands out to me.
I sense my mind is in a period of my childhood. I am in my old house, and I remember witnessing this neighbor boy, a boy with more ego than brains, swinging a metal pipe around with his younger sister just feet away. She was behind him. Not seeing her, he stepped towards her , and he hit her in the head with the pipe.
I remember feeling shocked. What I sense now is that I pushed my own sadness down to be available for him. I’ve always done that.
But it was really sad. I believe she was permanently changed by that single dumb act, though I never processed it. My safe circle was my brothers alone. And noone knew how to really acknowledge what happened.
Makes me think of the first time I watched Titanic when it came out in the late 90’s. When the ship was going down and people were falling into the water, I felt sad. This really happened.
But I was in my late 20’s, joining a crowd of young college freshman. They found it funny as people were bouncing off the smoke stacks. I found it tragic.
I didn’t fully allow myself to feel it, to grieve. I’m feeling that now.
This may be the self-forgiveness at work.
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@Parsifal, I wanted to share my experience about LB’s effects on me today. LB allowed me to open up today.
I listened to 1 minute last night. 3 minutes of Emperor this morning. And I opened up this morning here, which I didn’t plan to. I just let it out when it was ready to go.
Anyways, about today. For the past week, I’ve felt ok around my present coworker. He’s very family oriented, both with his own parents and also with his wife and daughters.
And…I’ve noticed a hint of my own habitual distrust showing up at times, like me hiding on my phone vs. having a conversation with him during a break time. I noticed it today, and I poked into my own avoidance of it. I felt the distrust. And I also felt that widely used tendency to … clearly and quickly F up a good relationship. It was with this awareness that I asked if I could share something with him. The work day was almost over when this came up.
He stopped our truck and gave me his attention. (Unexpected). I said I was nervous sharing this…and I just shared. I said I’d felt vulnerable today, and I felt like I’d been holding back, trying to keep myself safe. I then freely admitted what I was scared of. What I’ve done in the past to keep anyone or everyone out is to find fault with them first. I easily stated I often will go on attack mode first to strike them before they strike me. I then almost cracked (almost cried), and I said I don’t want to do that. I really didn’t. (I didn’t expect to say most of what I said–or feel what I felt).
I didn’t know how he’d respond, so I just spit out my truth. His response surprised me. He said his wife does the same “attack first” thing since she tries to keep herself safe too. He understood. His wife’s family is more like mine, so this was not new to him. We talked a bit after this, and I didn’t feel like I had held anything back.
In comparison, I’m so used to fighting and fearing everyone around me that I’m shedding some tears now while writing this. 1 minute of LB had a major influence on me.
This was a good day. I’m grateful I can share here…and LB is still affecting me. I’m still soft. It’s letting down my walls.
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I was reading on the Synergy thread today, and I caught that adding specific modules that are actually in a Synergy module (including both in a custom) will empower that scripting in a custom.
I’m considering adding CFW instead of LB in my Emperor custom. I’ve been drawn to the Heaven Shaking Power module since it was released, and I’d add Potentiator for it removing of mental limits of my power.
And CFW’s aim at removing my own believed limitations is why I’m really considering it. CFW is showing me my power, and I’ve been stepping into it.
Additionally, running LB solo with microloops worked beautifully yesterday. I want that to grow as well.
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Day 21
CFW last night
Emperor this morning
I’m writing since I’m wanting to detach. Disconnect from reality. That’s not good and healthy, but that’s exactly what I’ve done all my life.
There’s something I don’t believe I’ll be able to do, and escaping is the easy button.
Yes. Escaping has been my avoidance strategy. Because I’m feeling small. Alone. Without tools I need. Or support. Nothing at all.
Stepping outside this mentality, I’m grateful I’m experiencing this because this is exactly what CFW focuses on for me: the “I can’t and I’m not able to” belief.
This is healing the shit I’ve used over and over again. Because nothing ever changes when I follow this path.
I’m sad letting go of this, and I’m grateful in my thinking. Ironic but true
Pardon, but lol.
You write that you want to detach, to escape.
Still you confront your struggles directly in your writing. It’s not like you’re writing a fairy tale.
You acknowledge what is going on in your soul. You’re acknowledging all your, formerly hidden, problems. You’re bringing them to the surface by doing so. That way you can start to detach from them for good.
So CfW is doing its thing.
Congrats.
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When I thought about your words, I realized I air that mental battle. And yes, I face myself in my writing.
That’s why I like journaling.
And more specifically, I get to face and challenge the shadow within, which is always seeking the easy way out. It seeks ease, but the negative consequences are what I’m tired of.
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Two very different focuses. Ascension is made to build you up and help you find your place in the world. I would feel nervous before a gathering, but find my place easily once it began. This happened numerous times, and the family gatherings were what shocked me–as families have you in their box.
One major treat I experienced on Ascension was letting go of everyone else’s standards and expectations. Those beliefs have limited me my whole life, and one day I realized I was thinking “why do I even care what he/she thinks?” That is one beautiful gift in Ascension.
Emperor…I’m still learning. Unlike Ascension, there’s much more of focus to achieve specific goals, and this regularly keeps me in my own world, thinking of solutions. It has less of a social feel than Ascension if you’re not used to leading people. Because Emperor thrives in such roles. That’s just never been where I naturally fit, and this is tied to seeing myself as less for many years.
I’d say Ascension’s focus is mostly internal. People witnessed that, and showed me unexpected favor and preference. Emperor is like bootcamp in comparison. It works on your insides while testing you with real-world applications consistently. These tests are continuous and your determination to succeed pushes through.
Today I listened to my coworker share his plans and beliefs about buying a house. I sensed his limiting beliefs immediately. He shared his long, drawn out plans, all overwritten by “the system’s got you” beliefs. I realized throughout his sharing that I had clear plans and solutions–which made me realize that Emperor is doing a good work on my own limiting beliefs. I listen to all of 9 minutes a week, but it’s chewing up and spitting out broken beliefs. It’s still chewing on stuff, but the good stuff is showing when I take a minute to look (writing makes me look at changes 
)
I’ll share that I was on Ascension for months before trying Emperor for a spell. Emperor greatly amplified my walk, my aura, and other’s perceptions of me (I think it was version 3 and 4). I had a guy say he saw me from a distance and recognized my walk. He imitated how I strutted. I was embarrassed since before Emperor I was purposely low-key. That strut definitely wasn’t.
But I’m seeking the belief changes now. For me, that’s the most important thing.
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WOW! You really have given this a lot of thought!
Thanks, man!
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Washout day 2
The thread by @FoxDie on inadequacy got me yesterday. In short, I posted, then Sub.Zero posted. And I felt inadequate since I instantly rejected my own post. I spiraled a bit.
I put Sub.Zero in some role in my head. It touches some trauma, me calling it that due to my reaction. I’ve reacted to others like that as well.
In real life, I’ll lock up but be submissive, feeling powerless yet hopeful they’ll change for me. It never works. Never has. Not once.
I could grovel all day when I feel that powerless. And I have, too many times to count. That same powerlessness has turned me to staying on healing titles perpetually.
Yeah. That’s my trauma. Using CFW keeps me from looking for other subs since, though I’m in pain, I’m not helpless.
I’m just beginning to see that healing is more of changing one’s thinking than bulldozing it down with brute force.
Because CFW and LB are introducing something new. I’m going deeper this time. I realized this last night.
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Familiar thoughts coming up in washout. Not jumping.
CFW emboldens me. But a lingering fear, or rather, one I’m trying to avoid, invites exploration.
The idea of rebellion lingered in my mind for a while today, and I explored the DR RED thread. Because I never did the rebellion thing. I was the last child left in the house, and despite my mom’s unavailability, I stayed hoping she’d grow to show more love one day.
I’ve lived like that my whole life. I lived in rampant denial, hoping that people would show me love. Even in recent months and years.
Something’s changed. I’m thinking while I’m writing since I didn’t realize this.
I don’t feel dependent or “in need” of someone else’s love–and I’m comparing my past mindsets. I’d love to be in a mutually loving relationship. But my mindset before was dependent on (anyone really) helping maintain my denial. Aka my fantasy world.
It’s all been based on expectations, which only hurt relationships. As in, “if you fulfill my security needs, I’ll give something back as well.”
Jeesh. I used to have this unspoken grudge towards my wife since everything felt transactional with her. And from what I just shared, I’m doing the very same thing with others. I’m gonna chew on this. I wasn’t seeing this before.
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Washout day 4
LB has been on the move, both yesterday and today.
Yesterday, the self-protection showed up and I steered clear of my housemate. He doesn’t love himself well, and uses anyone for attention. I went out to the kitchen in the afternoon to prep for work, and I looked out at him one time. He was looking back at me with disgust and anger. I looked away, avoiding any more interaction with him.
I’d been DMing someone here yesterday, and I went back and shared this. My last words regarding the incident with my housemate were “Fuck him. I’m not his binky”.
And this morning thoughts are drifting towards self-care. I know this to be true since I sense it carefully digging into non-loving thoughts I have, specifically ones I have towards myself.
I’ll throw it out there. I’ve survived life thinking I was not wanted or desired, and to be able to handle other people’s realities which were quite different from mine, I abandoned myself. I’d try to live in their world, seeing nothing good in my own. I was doing what my housemate still does, partially.
I sensed that this morning. I’ve done this over and over, year after year. But since I felt good most of the weekend, I didn’t want to abandon myself. So, I came to write about it, to share my truth, and to even be gentle when I’ve seen some lie I’m telling myself.
LB is gentle. I’m being gentle too. It’s the right thing to do. It feels good.
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Knowing deep changes can really be shifting my inner world, I really need to admit something.
I came home and I’m not sure why, but I really missed not being responsible.
I’m 52, and I feel like I’ve been a teenager (or younger) emotionally for decades. It’s made rejecting things like accomplishments, status seeking, and trying to measure up to everyone else…pretty easy. I secretly relished feeling like a kid–meaning I knew that was shit I didn’t have to worry about. I didn’t want to.
And that’s exactly why I’ve stayed there.
So…something unexpected is happening to me.
Growth.
I’ll let this sit before I go all negative. Goodnight
I know that feeling.
Responsibility sucks and is hard.
Managing things, answering letters, paying bills, saving money,… adulting as a whole.
Just being able to forget all the trouble from the real world and having the protectedness from the childhood again (even though it was hard in its own ways).
But I believe, we’re missing more. The lightness, the playfullness, our hyperactive fantasy that saw elves and dwarves everywhere.
I plan to add Wonders of Life to my next custom. Excited what it will do.
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Day 1
CFW last night. 1 minute
Emperor this morning. 3 minutes
Yesterday, CFW was activating on my last day of washout. It must have been getting closer to the root trauma, because I felt very vulnerable.
I was requested to work with a guy needing to finish his route in the afternoon, and I sensed myself feeling sad and too weak to defend myself. Plus my knee was tender, so I worked slower. But the driver drove like I’ve worked in the past–fast.
Again, I didn’t feel strong emotionally. Like the little kid in me was injured, believing someone else needed to save him. I think I communicated that non-verbally.
I was left in a true victim mindset, non-verbally begging him to be nice. I invited some bullying words which I pushed back verbally, but inside I felt injured and weak. We’d begun the route very talkative. It ended with me withdrawing, nursing my wounds, and feeling angry.
I also felt guilty for being angry.
This is a cycle I’ve experienced before. I’m still feeling emotionally tender. Haven’t listened to Emperor yet.
Yes. I’ve not been here in a while. This is the feeling that locked me up, kept me away from people, and led to poor choices. Like feeling sorry for myself would be preferred over succeeding or making changes.
Fuck.
I just don’t want to do that. Emperor is alive in me. Shed tears writing that.
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Writing that was, and is, a purge. Stuff’s still coming up.
I still see myself morphing in crowds, trading what I’m feeling for theirs.
I’m at work and had to step away. Learning this still.
–in years past, I’d be looking for a place of pity. I’m learning how to be true to me
Day 2
Rest day
I have seen myself be transactional with people today. I’m getting it now. I’ve been thinking this is all CFW, and maybe it is, because I’ve not been comfortable today–and being straightforward here, I’ve wanted to “get to it”, meaning the stuff which needs healing. That’s an Emperor push. But the transaction mindset, the “I’m done my business with you. Leaving now” thinking is becoming much, much clearer to me. The core is a fear of being hurt once again.
This keeps reminding of one of DR RED’s focuses:
“A brutal string of rejections could cause you to forever abandon the prospect of dating, relationships and deep connections, leading to unhappiness, loneliness, abandonment issues, inability to trust, energetic disbalances and a plethora of other issues.”
I’ve begun a couple of private conversations about DR RED in the last week. I had this draw towards DR while on washout again, a consistent pattern with me, so I began writing about it to see if it’s just a whim, or …am I ready for this again?
I’m not fully convinced this is the time. During washout I noticed me focusing on taking back some power in my life. Then…yesterday I found myself thinking in this victim-based, “I’m weak” mentality. Anyone on the outside might have wondered why I’d want to grapple with that. And what I knew from the start is CFW is actively working on this. I never feel like shit when I use it without sub intervention. I’m also still feeling weak as I write.
What I’m considering is giving CFW time to work (like 2 more months possibly) and switch to DR to do its work then. That victim mentality is something I’ve shared about before, and it’s played a very large role in my life. The new Khan is the only other sub which states it works on that victim mentality.
But CFW has been very active. I considered DR because even Saint pulled off CFW when he ran it maybe 2 years back. He thought the forgiveness scripting was possibly causing recon.
For me, I’ve felt a lot of inner turbulence, and I’ve been locking down my gut without realizing it. Some part of me is scared, and the emotions feel pretty strong (like a child wailing, actually). So, I’ll let it work. I’ll listen to LB tonight and Emperor tomorrow morning.
Yesterday morning I began shaking while writing in the morning. That’s me crying without tears. And some finally burst out. I’ve been holding back a LOT.