Listening to Ascension now.
I am here, remembering how much different and stronger it made me.
But this doesn’t feel like “then”. It feels like now. I am stronger.
I’m glad to be using this.
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AC is at work with CFW. Saint said AC makes one open to change, and what showed up today has never happened with CFW before.
Last weekend, I’d read Saint’s posts about struggling with the forgiveness scripting in CFW. I thought about it, but it wasn’t hitting me (I only resumed CFW yesterday).
Something hit me today though. I’ve been excessively angry thinking about my housemate. He’s critical and judgemental towards nearly everyone, plus I’m 200 short for rent (unexpected), which is due today. I’ve gotten hostile in my thinking towards him, and I was ready to tell him I’m done living there. I’ve only seen him belittling me, and I wasn’t going to fucking take it.
However, to allow CFW to activate here, I’ve imagined me confronting him. I did so since I know something isn’t working right in my life. I was open to change.
While imagining this, I felt my heart. I felt my anger. I felt my vengeance. I also began feeling the pain from keeping everyone out of my life.
I realized I’ve hated him since he’s as unforgiving as I am. His is just loud and glaring. That pisses me off.
And…I keep seeing and feeling this resentment littered all through my life.
My brothers.
My mother.
Friends.
I could fill this thread with people and questionable “reasons” I hold hatred towards them. I won’t.
I even remembered other subliminal healing journeys today. I’ll sum it up with…when I’ve began letting those hateful barriers down, I’ve attracted loving and caring people to me. Plus I’ve cried a LOT. I broke into tears a couple of times today, and one time it was heavy crying for seconds while driving alone.
It is still making me soft. Like almost crying while a guy spoke to me. His eyes had this misty look, and tears almost came from mine. I sense my separation from others, and I’m tired. Holding grudges takes a lot of energy.
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Well, CFW is working.
I deleted my post hours ago. I got sick of my own whining. Believing I can not do something myself has been my norm.
I’m disgusted by it.
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Sep. 3, 2023
Rest day
I am actually seeing steady results with CFW. I keep trying to follow daily patterns of avoiding responsibility and awareness of my actions, and I’m not being successful.
This is good. No. It’s really really good.
Because I’m not crucifying myself. Not at all. I just “feel” able to handle things minute by minute. Making positive choices is easy when I’m not kicking my own ass constantly.
Those little choices say everything to me. Taking responsibility in the small choices is huge.
This is very, very good. 
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Sep. 3, 2023
First day of washout
I’m glad I put this in my journal, because I haven’t been tracking days for the cycle. I found a post where I was prepping for the last one, and I did the math.
Sep. 1st was 21 days, and I listened yesterday. This is my first day of washout.
Now, 3 or 5 days? Saint made a comment in his journal recently, so I’ll go scan it.
Edit: I didn’t find it in Saint’s journal, but he made a comment in recent months that 3 day washouts might be better than 5 day washouts. I remember not having time to read the whole post, so I’m wondering if it is true.
Sep. 4, 2023
2nd day of washout
I found Saint’s post about washout.
I’ll likely do a 3 day washout. Other users reported positive results with them.
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I’m trying to write, noticing I abandon my feelings sometimes to make a point. Feelings often aren’t logical or practical in many ways, which is why don’t feel included by “rules and procedures” types. Ie: some administrative types.
I’ve used this survival strategy the vast majority of my life, and when I began writing today, I noticed me trying to unhinge myself from my emotions (disassociating, actually) since emotions are a big part of me. I make all my major decisions by consulting them.
And honestly, I’ve tried to hide this from myself and everyone else all my life. I tried to be 2 different people, depending on who I was talking to. With mixed groups, I’ll be superficial and will talk to almost anyone. But it’s incredibly shallow. And dishonest as well. I can’t bear putting on that front, which is why I purposely choose small circles or individuals, if that’s possible.
But with unemotional “just-the-facts” type, I give facts, but damn, it’s stressful since living like that makes me abandon myself regularly. I did it with some prior jobs, pulling out eventually. I don’t think, live, or breathe like that in any way. (I probably do. It’s just not my forte).
I allowed my thoughts to drift after that, wondering (but actually knowing) I’ve always thought “good jobs are found when I’m not myself”.
I’m wondering if I’m following a poor job choice since little creativity is required.
A sure irony is I usually teach my daily coworkers I enjoy my job since I like creating solutions and avenues to get the job done. I literally tell them that 99% of what we do does not have to done in exact ways. I open the door for them to be creative too. I love it when I see it. Otherwise, the job would be insanely boring.
Well…
Maybe this stack is working like I’ve wanted one to. I’m admitting things aren’t to my liking in my life AND I’m actually looking at myself to consider other options. CFW is still bumping up against internal “no’s” to change, and I really, really hope to see some internal changes come over me. I’ll restart with CFW and AC on Wednesday, so I have some hope.
@RVconsultant, I’d not planned for DR with this. Is DR once a week too much with CFW and Ascension? I’ll do some reading myself to check.
Edit: Just found this on the CFW sales page:
- May not stack well with other strong healing titles, like Dragon Reborn.
It says MAY not. It’s doesn’t say it won’t.
Perhaps practice caution.
What is your listening schedule for the next 2 weeks?
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My regular practice is CFW in the morning, then Ascension in the evening. AC once a week.
1 loop each, every other day.
Edit: I’ve done micro loops maybe 3 times months back, so not with this stack. I’ve been curious about a 7 minute loop of either. Or both.
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Also…and this is a nudge I’m feeling myself.
I just was reading the pro-tips for CFW. Says it works well with True Sell or DareDevil. I am having memories of liking being around people on some subs, and Stark stood out. I enjoyed people’s presence, and me being around them was desirable by me. I’ve wondered about True Social since my “comfort zone” feels smaller and smaller, especially when I’m running healing subs.
I did seek counsel on using Emperor vs. Ascension 2-3 days back since I knew I was discrediting myself due to internal success blocks. I was advised to stay on Ascension, which I agree with for finding one’s purpose and ambition. But living in a metaphorical box finds me wanting to bust out.
So I’m seeking how to challenge myself.
Note: I’m feeling a pain of me whining here. Something may be shifting now, as I deleted my last post which mentioned me desiring to break out of this prison I’ve put myself in.
I’m going through change. I made a major decision yesterday for me. And I’ve not posted about it since I’ve given in to other’s suggestions here repeatedly.
Part of me still craves other’s acceptance, but a growing part of me is not backing down.
I woke up yesterday listening to my feelings. No major crisis looming. I just felt a little fragile. So I skipped CFW and AC, choosing to listen to Ascension by itself. I needed some strength.
I had little awareness of changes throughout the day…but I had no desire to go home and deny reality by doing usual behaviors.
I imagined the public library where I used to hide a lot years back. I dismissed it a couple of times, but while driving home I chose to listen to this, so I went. I thought “why not?”
I increasingly wanted to feel safe. I found a small study desk, and I planted myself. I was in the mindset to stand up for myself by making different choices.
And with this mindset, I also needed to feel safe. I remembered I had room for another loop, and I was immediately drawn to DR. I’ve been drawn to it multiple times, and I ignored it since I’ve always sought other’s advice on my choices.
I felt insecure thinking of other people’s disapproval if I went with DR. But I turned on an ultrasonic loop and let it soak in. I listened to AC right after.
‐-----------
I’m tired of acting and believing like I’m a child.
That’s why I’m using DR. I’ve allowed this to happen, and noone else is responsible for changing this.
My defensiveness will drop in time. Not today. I’ve got to grow through this.
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Day 2
Rest day
I messaged someone here after starting DR yesterday, and he asked me if I’d ever done EMDR therapy.
Yes, I have, I’ve worked with 2 different therapists, but the last one was over 10 years ago. I admitted most of my personal successes with EMDR were done at home, using either rented or paid-for software.
I bought one software setup about 5-6 years back, and I pulled it up tonight. The maker has it for free now, I downloaded it, and after my hesitation, I put it on for 2-3 minutes. (The site is gowiththat.com. Works good for both Windows 10 and Macs)
I didn’t feel it immediately, but my legs began relaxing, I stopped, then realized my mind was relaxing too. I resumed it for another few minutes, and tears started rolling down my cheeks. I tend to hold on to my feelings, keeping them under control most of the time, but this went right past my walls.
I had no traumatic memories surface. No, none of that. But EMDR, used lightly and with awareness, can relax me almost instantly. I’m sitting here still, feeling feelings I’ve had locked down. Mostly some sadness.
I’m thinking of this objective:
- Manifest mentors, books, courses and other sources of information that will help you achieve your self-development goals
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I had a brief look at the EMDR therapy. Do you think this is something I could do on my own using the software or would I need a professional to explain and set it up properly?
I had a fairly traumatic childhood and have heaps of repressed memories. I wonder if this would help.
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If I were you, I’d go cautiously and read up on it first.
EMDR can open your mind and memories quickly, but if you follow your gut and stop regularly, you can make some dramatic shifts very fast.
My first program was virtualemdr.com, and I believe they are the best for people who are brand new to doing EMDR solo. They have full training and guidance materials, even providing journals to write down your experience each time. I found myself writing a lot since I felt some major shifts those first few months. They’re very comprehensive, which sets them apart from other vendors I’ve looked into.
I’ll share a personal story.
The training for EMDR practitioners is to actually stir up an emotion or memory, focus on it, and to use EMDR to dissipate its strength and impact.
However, I’ve found that extremely stressful when working alone. The EMDR practitioner or therapist’s value is seeing this and slowing down or stopping the process so the client isn’t overwhelmed.
I had success (doing it alone) by doing what I normally do any day of the week: I don’t look for memories; I’m usually in full avoidance. The truth is most days I’m aware of some emotional pain, and 99% of my days I’m avoiding them since they feel so HEAVY. I’ve spent most of my life doing this.
So, I turn on the software, seeking and desiring some internal change. Within seconds, I’ll feel it hitting something, like some unrealistic belief guarding my emotions. I had this happen last night, and I began crying. I only let the software run 2-3 minutes. I turned it off and just sat with my emotions.
I allow my emotions to just come. I notice how normal avoidance isn’t so easy. Like it’s rearranging my normal survival routines.
And if it stirs up something with a bigger emotional charge, I have the choice to go deeper, or stop. That’s empowering to me.
So do your homework first. That’s the key. Know what you’re walking into. Peace.
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Definitely this. Also they know when they can push you a bit more and challenge you in a healthy way. That can be really really hard to regulate on your own. Most of my life has been oscillating hard between full dissociation and intense emotional turbulence. I’ve accepted at this point that I just don’t have that capability in me yet and need guidance.
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Thanks for the additional information and advice, I’ll definitely research more about the therapy. The virtual EMDR looks interesting but again I won’t rush into anything.
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Yeah. I first heard about EMDR back in college over 20 years ago. My major was psychology, I’d done a bit of counseling with one guy for a few years, so hearing about this peaked my curiosity immediately. The therapist’s discovery was completely accidental.
However, knowing it could undo years of bad training quickly actually scared me. I feared letting go of my stuff, my “identity”. Which is why I never approached it until years later while newly married (not a good move tbh)
I tried with 2 different therapists during that time, but I was the one who pulled away. EMDR uncovers my bs quickly, and in those days, I relied on lying to myself and others quite regularly. Keeping up a front was social survival for me–and I can’t do that. I don’t want to do it anymore.
I didn’t pursue EMDR again until my separation from my wife at the time in 2011. I knew it was valid. I’d read a number of case studies, and emotional freedom sounded possible, so I pursued it. I joined up with a local therapist here who worked from his home, and I was with him about 4 months. I was digging in with him, I was doing work on this at home (not EMDR), but the transition to freedom was what scared me. I withdrew because all my old fallbacks weren’t comfortable, but neither were the new ones.
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Interesting. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and are determined to sort through the issues.
I honestly don’t know where I’m at with past trauma. I feel like I’ve laid most of it to rest and have moved on with my life but in saying that, I have very few childhood memories. I’ve done a bit of counselling with psychologists here and there over the years but I’m not sure how helpful any of it was. I think one guy s program was helpful because I learnt to stop over breathing myself into a panic. I’ve always been very conscious of my breathing since that 12 week course. I think it was mostly CBT but I’m not sure because I didn’t know much above the different therapies back then.
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I’ll tag the @AnswerGroup here.
Since my biggest struggle has been stepping into freedom and a new identity, can (or does) the scripting allow for an easier (less scary) transition? Or is this actually in St.3?
I made the choices to step away from therapy and counseling years back. I did so because I was playing games with myself, and I saw it clearly one day. I was “looking good”, but not growing at all. I even spent multiple months on St.1 and St.2 my last time with DR. That transition into something new (possibly being “successful”) scared me, so I never pursued St.3 or 4. I pulled back there.
I’m also guilty of avoiding responsibility in life, of not facing things I may possibly…succeed in (???). I wrote just weeks back about seeing myself as a failure and have been living out that script for quite a while. It was in this thread, and…I deleted it the next day. I think the truth scared me. Because it is true.
I just don’t wish to stay in pain or…keep projecting my reality onto others. The latter was used regularly by my mom when things got bad for her, which was frequent. I’ve been doing it with my housemate in my head for months…and I think it ceased with DR. I’ve not been doing that this week. Beautiful.
@RVconsultant, I have considered adding Sanguine to my stack. Ever since @Michel began using Sanguine and SE, it gives me some hope seeing it bloom. I haven’t had an emotional “crisis” in a while, but I’m also facing a root of mine again: fearing success.
I did 7 minutes of St.1 this morning, then a full loop of Genesis an hour ago (after reading Saint’s journal and people mentioning it.) I’d been planning on using Ascension again.
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Day 4
Rest day
I’m avoiding reality this morning. I’m desiring to.
I don’t even desire to control it. I lived like this daily in my 20’s. I just went through the motions.
My mind’s there now. Heading to work. Going through the motions.
Speaks of avoiding responsibility. That’s been what I keep bumping into with subliminals. Something’s there which my life has revolved around.
It’s surfacing in my throat, feeling it now. And I felt an intense sadness minutes ago. I can’t control it–which is why I’m avoiding it.
Heading out