Changes - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#686

Day 14
2nd rest day

Fear. Being afraid.

This is my ugly, detestable (by me), disgusting norm. I’m angry, waking up realizing that of all the 10(?) things I can choose to do today, fear is forcing me or fearing me away.

Every damn thing I want or desire is chained to some fear. …ok, what’s the fear? I believe it’s “you won’t love me if…” So, I hold back, hesitate, and wait any moment for (anybody) to reject me.

That’s always been my biggest rudder in life. I go here, I go there, I turn there, fearing some rejection, turn again remembering (or just imagining) rejection…over and over, again and again. My life is small since I’m always in self-protection mode.

I didn’t come here to analyze smanalyze…

I’m imagining (fear kept me from saying “planning” since I imagined rejection here) staying on this rest period, extending it to 5 days to do an early washout. Then, starting with DR RED. I’ll stack it with my LB custom.

I will give a physical manifestation of this fear. I’m feeling my throat clenching. And for the last 20-25 years, I’ve not felt that regularly. But I have 2ce now in the last week.

I remember feeling this regularly in middle school. I felt abandoned full-time since my brother, the person I was closest to, left home without warning. I felt it in school, and that was hard, being around people reading my unspoken message of “stay away”. I did. From everybody. It kept me from being hurt again, but gawd, I always felt that sting, and I never understood any of it.

And wow, damn, that same “leave me alone” was shown by my own mother. I never saw that until just now. I needed help, but she was pushing everyone away–and my life mirrors that EXACT behavior.

It says “I can’t get any love from you, so stay away from my heart!”

Exactly. Everything stops. Until the next fear arises. Constant hypervigilance.

I’ll stay off subs for a whole 5 days, starting DR in the evenings.

That’s my next step.

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#687

I wrote this yesterday. I’m considering something differently now which may work.

Considering LB, for me presently, is more recon producing, I’m considering going back and forth with my LB custom and Emperor.

And considering I’m in the middle of processing both right now, I’m not very objective. I just don’t want to put my power and confidence aside “just to do healing”, like I’ve done in the past.

#688

I sit here with myself, feeling my inner battle still going. It’s guilt vs. freedom battling, and strangely, both are right.

Guilt’s always been so adamant that I was wrong, and I owned that. I let it define me. However, when I accept it without any resistance, I feel just horrible. --I honestly gave in since it takes so much mental energy to stand up to it.

While I’m thinking of him, I’ll mention @COWolfe. He did a full year of DR, at 3 months per stage. I read a lot of little victories and even hope while being slammed by pain once again, but one breakthrough has stuck with me.

One day, he stated unemotionally that he wasn’t wrong as a young boy. He was only a boy. He realized his parents had some major emotional issues which he received the brunt of. He wasn’t guilty. He now saw his parents as flawed humans, and he no longer berated himself as such a bad person. He wasn’t a bad person, and he owned it.

I’ve dreamed of and desired such breakthroughs. I haven’t looked lately since it can trigger my own insecurities. I do know of one real life video of men coming clean of childhood abuse while in prison, and honestly, I only want to watch such videos…damn…because I’d switch with someone for a day to live in such freedom.

And this is only desirable since … it’s all a fantasy for me. It’s not my life. It’s theirs. Nothing different than a parent trying to live through their child’s successes. It’s an illusion of control.

I’m admitting that most of my “recovery work” over the decades has been me hiding in a bubble, truly hoping noone saw my truth. I’ve feared the truth, assuming it was “ALL BAD”. Which is why I’ve not wanted to see a counselor or T (therapist) over the last 10 years. I can only lie so long. And I’ve just been absolutely terrified of the truth.

And I began this post since I felt lonely. Awfully lonely. And I usually only feel lonely when I’m not even liking myself. I had copied a piece from the DR RED sales page.

Considering I’m in recon, I’m wondering what I’m battling. What false belief am I holding on to?

Living in fantasy is feeling more and more painful. I can’t hide from this. That sounds bold and brave, but I feel scared shitless.

Edit: I thought of a false belief: “The fantasies will protect me”.

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#689

There was surprisingly little pain involved in that. I think that part of why that program was so successful was that I included the module version of Sanguine.

It was more that I felt inferior than bad. That was partly a result of how my parents expressed their disdain for me, and possibly because of how I naturally think. I don’t know if you make the same distinction between the two that I do.

Fantasizing about something is often the first step to doing it. You are on the right path. Keep going.

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#690

Washout day 3

I feel more in my own skin this morning. Like some stuff’s settling.

And while this is on my mind, I’ll share. I’d read @COWolfe’s reply. One thing popped out. I ignored it. Got up. Felt good, so I thought I’d come and write. But I ended up reading the line that hit me before. I’m having an insight.

He wrote this:

And fuck. Here’s what happened. I was feeling good. But due to a childhood loyalty mindset, I molded my feelings to where I felt inferior myself.

This is the same way I survived emotionally while growing up. To feel included and make myself “lovable”, I’d join myself to other’s moods and mindsets.

@COWolfe, there is no blame here. I’m owning my own mindset. I did this–because that’s what I’ve always done.

I instantly felt like a young boy, seeing myself in a childhood home, feeling like I did back then.

Call it DR presults. Maybe. But me seeing myself in action is exactly what I’ve sought. It’s one way I’ve sought to detach from my habits so I might see why.

My “why” is I wanted to be loved in my family. And not much love was available. I can love myself now, and that whole reality is still unfamiliar. Which may explain the continual recon.

Thanks for replying here.

2 Likes
#691

Just posted this.

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#692

Are you already on DR?

#693

No. Washout

#694

Results of today:

  • Stayed home today

  • Realizing I still have to go forward, even if only an inch at a time

  • Not shaming myself instantly while feeling down; usually I’m hard on myself quickly

  • Feeling fear…and I wrestle writing that since I’ve usually tried to manipulate others to take care of me; something’s different, and I want that choice

So, what shifted inside me today was a growing feeling that I have choice in my decisions. I wavered picking those little responsibilities up, but…I did.

  • One result is working on my housemate’s old laptop, which hasn’t been run in 2-3 years (?). Windows updates make me wait. But sitting in that impatient frustration…highly resembles my emotional growth and non-growth today. Which is likely why I’m doing it. It’s like God didn’t throw me the hardest trials first. I got a distraction…while actually working on my own issues. It’s brilliant, actually.
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#695

Holy shit. I did that. I really did!

Last Thursday my coworker kept pushing me to contact our company’s employee assistance plan after I let out about stuff I’ve been facing (with LB).

I did it. I did it just now. I was all tears in my first few minutes, dumping out tears without explanation…then I finally spoke.

I shared I’ve been using subliminal audio for personal growth the last 5-6 years, and I’d been with both counselors and therapists for years prior to that, but the love sub I’ve been using has been tearing down my walls which have kept people away. She was rather impressed (she used the word “resilience”).

I even requested phone meetings initially, knowing 12-13 hour days don’t mix well with outside appointments.

I also said I’m scared…and motivated…and more tears came out. No shame there.

And I gave the reason for my first meeting: grieving. I didn’t have to search at all. Gotta let this stuff go. Not because of shame. Not because of fear. But because of the pain it causes holding it inside.

One step at a time.

4 Likes
#696

Washout day 5

I’m a little proud of myself. Last night’s phone call was huge to me.

I’m up early since I’m at another work site today.

And I’m scared I won’t give myself enough writing time today. I think I will :grin:

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#697

I’m slowly beginning to sense my vulnerability and live in real life with it.

That’s from LB.

It’s peeking out since that self-protection is awake too.

Makes me smile

#698

You’re awesome, man! :100:

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#699

Day 1
1 minute of LB last night
3 minutes of Emperor this morning

I dropped listening times to see how it affects recon.

I’m feeling guilt this morning. I was going to pass on writing since I’ve been going back to set in stone beliefs that I’m not that important.

The good news is that Emperor was working on these same beliefs yesterday. I’m driving a scooter, and I was comparing myself to coworkers yesterday, giving myself shit treatment.

I saw myself as “not good enough”. Separate.

Unlovable? This is an old childhood belief. It wasn’t even about our lack of wealth growing up. There just wasn’t love at home, and I carried that belief with me wherever I went. And I still do.

No overload from the subs, but they’re both very active.

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#700

Just been catching up with your active journal.
Happy for you for all the accomplishments.

For the inner child stuff you mentioned, I want to recommend a book. I never worked my way through it (didn’t deserve it, in the past, may start though, soon). But it helped quite a few people I know. The nost drastic case was the mom of a friend of mine. She was in a psychiatric ward for years and was barely functioning with high medication. But she somehow managed to work with the book, she solved much of her childhood stuff, and suddenly she improved tremendously. Now she’s living a happy and healthy life again.

The book is from Stefanie Stahl.
The Child in You: The Breakthrough Method for Bringing Out Your Authentic Self

The original title is more like The child in you must find a home

2 Likes
#701

Is the original written in german?

#702

Is it this one?

Das Kind in dir muss Heimat finden. Kailash-Verlag, München 2015, ISBN 978-3-424-63107-4.

#703

That’s just outstanding! Never underestimate the power of books!

#704

Yes, this is the one.
Are you German as well?

#705

Not quite, from Switzerland :grinning: