Been thinking about my aim. Me jumping is a recon move.
I’m at work, blowing off some inner steam. It’s recon
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I’m still impressed by how they dig in to our major roadblocks so easily
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Me too. Makes me think that maybe that’s why results take longer. If a person has some fairly deep issues that are impacting noticeable results I understand now why things take so long.
Sort of reminds me in a way of therapy. Especially when @RVconsultant mentioned running one loop a week. Obviously not the exact same thing but an easy analogy.
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I also think that’s why the sales pages for different titles mentions " your current level of growth ". It’s not meant to be a one time thing. It’s something that can be repeated for further growth over a lifetime
I couldn’t imagine running the entirety of the Dragon Reborn multi stage and not wanting to revist it at some point in the future. Now I understand why @ksub recommended this book to me
https://www.amazon.com/Gap-Gain-Achievers-Happiness-Confidence/dp/1401964362
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I’m all mushy, and it’s creeping up on me. I know it’s LB, but the Synergy connection module is kicking in. I’m not feeling like I want to push people away.
Actually I’m thinking caring thoughts about people.
I just read a post by @Parsifal, and I started crying.
It feels right to let it out.
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Christian Mystics often speak about the Donum Lacrimorum, The Gift of the Tears.
Meaning to be able to shed tears about a certain topic. Because shedding tears is considered to be purifying, purging.
So let it flow.
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I was walking in a store for lunch, and I remembered early days of doing subliminals. I was a mush back then, and I’ll gladly accept that now.
I began seeing and feeling what I’d not before.
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Changes happening slowly. Today is having me cry numerous times throughout the day.
I needed a ride home after work, and no kidding, I had 2 guys vying for it, plus one (wrangling) them, speaking up for me. He’s normally like that, like he’s got my back.
Then, moments later, my female boss comes out calling my name repeatedly. I felt calm already around the guys, so I thought it might be unwelcome news, but I didn’t go there. Instead, I paid attention to why she was calling me.
She said another site was requesting me next week, and right there, where she stood, she stopped her initial push. She quickly said she’d get another person to cover that, because in her words “we need you here”. I thanked her twice, as I saw her standing up for me to those requesting me.
And surprising to me, that last interaction makes me weep. 30 minutes ago I was finishing up dinner with my housemate (he’d cooked for all of us), and as I almost shared that incident, tears came, and my throat closed.
I’m going to throw this out there: I’ve not believed I was lovable or admired by women, but this shook me up. I’m crying on and off while writing.
LB is doing something. I’m not sure what, but it’s definitely something.
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I’ll just spit this out here.
Am I the only one who’s wondering…could this be my time to heal?
My gut’s soft, and I’m wondering what grace Fire has given us again. His skill for the support scripting is what makes the programs just work beautifully. Without them, we’d bail left and right facing our histories.
@James, your last posts to me today spoke of therapy. And early in my adulthood, therapy was so so so so attractive to me: freedom to share, freedom to feel, freedom to cry, and freedom to LET GO.
I’ve gravitated towards that arena for the very reasons I wrote above.
And DR…DR is the best tool to do this. I know I could, but should I?
To answer my own question, I’m looking for a greater emphasis or focus on removing limits and their emotional chains. Maybe even transmuting or making them work FOR me.
I’ve tried my whole adult life to hide from my childhood. But these desires seem to betray that. I’ve just only been looking at the pains I’ve lived with, some even self-created.
A limit I live with daily is “I can’t do that for me…because…I’m not worth it.”
Crying now. Realizing the limits I’ve lived by don’t work for me.
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You could try it. I heard a rumor DRLD can be a tough one to run. Perhaps starting slow might be wise. Then perhaps 30s twice a week. It’s up to you, mate.
Simply put, it might be better for some people to start slow. I can tell you from my own experiences that too much too quick can lead to bad sleep and headaches.
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Regarding going slow, I listened to 5 minutes of my LB Sanguine custom last night, but went with 3 minutes of Emperor this morning. I had felt just a slight piece of recon from LB, so I passed on Emperor. Well, until 15 minutes later.
I’ve not felt so burdened today, meaning I didn’t sense it processing all day.
What I did remember these last few days I’ll share here. I’ve had the NWE activating in me.
What does that mean? Not what I expected, but I’ve seen it shared in the sales pages.
The NR sales page specifically. I suddenly felt personally excited about making money–but NOT for making money. No, no, no. In the NR sales page it says you’ll start seeing where you could give value to your work and creations. I equate value with giving of myself, and that really moves me. This changes my whole outlook of why this is important to me.
Something else, which is a LB connection. I believe I sensed the NWE connection since LB is helping me see my own value. In contrast, I’ve never seen myself as valuable before. The mental logic is “I’m not of value, so how and why would I offer any?”
I credit the new LB with bringing this to me. I’ve always thought so much less of myself. It’s a lonely experience I’d wish on noone. LB is doing stuff I have no explanation or understanding of–which is why I’ve seen myself fighting it at times: it’s unknown.
I thought I’d share this for @SaintSovereign and @Fire
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Day 12
Emperor and LB Sanguine custom this morning
3 minutes each
I just want to hide. Just hide.
Everything I’ve done to hide–FROM MYSELF…
is not working.
I even shared some feelings with a coworker yesterday. He pushed me to use my health plan for a counselor.
I agreed.
I’m just scared. This “monster” I’ve avoided is me. I’ve been pushing him away for my whole life.
Who am I? What’s happening?
Seems like facing me is the biggest battle I’ve ever faced
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I called it a monster in me since the longer and harder I’ve tried to suppress him, the more I’ve feared he’d escape
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I need to write. But…I’m feeling scared since I want to be honest.
I am scared since I want to avoid this pressure to change–and it won’t go away. It just won’t. It’s pressing my heart and mind (mostly my mind today), and the only things I’ve known to do is…avoid it. Ignore it. Distract myself…which always feels better…but only for a moment.
I’ll share what I’m feeling now. I see in my mind this little boy adamantly holding his ground. I also sense this more mature part of me standing there, facing the boy, waiting on him. Like he wants the boy to release his hold, but he won’t force him. He stands, waiting.
Now, I just took a break, and felt the boy in me. He has so much emotion, mostly sadness, since …not sure exactly. He’s using what he knows, which is avoiding the emotions.
I don’t have a solution–but damn, something just came to me.
The little boy feels BOTH responsible to find a solution (which he doesn’t have), AND he simultaneously believes he’ll fail if he’s even near this responsibility. So, on one side–he can’t. And the other side–he didn’t. Two heavy emotional realities. 2 core beliefs: 1. He doesn’t have the answer, and 2. He’s failed finding it.
That negative duo is felt in EVERY area of life. I’m a 52 yo adult, but the boy still feels (and fears) this responsibility.
I’m not positive on the actual responsibility. But this has, and is, directing me.
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Very interesting. This is what they call an exile in Internal Family Systems. Ignored frightened parts, frozen in time, abandoned. The goal is unburdening, essentially what you’re talking about here removing that responsibility from that child part. You can try talking to it directly, see how it feels, explain why things are different nowadays and what you’re doing to try to keep him safe.
I’d be willing to bet the responsibility it feels it’s holding onto was the result of unmet needs.
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Yes. I wasn’t loved, and I’ve believed it was my fault. I’ve sought out things to relieve the pain, but love wasn’t sought out. Just temporary relief.
What I’ve always sought out was a fantasy, because love brought with it feelings of guilt and self-blame.
Yeah, romantic love–damn… that’s been avoided since that blame and guilt pop up quickly and I’m overwhelmed. That’s why I’ve never sought out women. I have been on 2-3 dates my entire life.
But LB is making a difference. Thinking of how I felt during those dates made me feel “I am empty” I had nothing. There’s something in my tank now, and it’s not just hopelessness.
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Adding on to that, I’m scared to admit I’m drawn towards the new DR. The feelings of failure pop up when I think of other members here, as I’ve used everybody here for little pieces of love. I’ve done that my whole life as well.
I’m scared more of feeling like a failure, of losing love, since I’ve barely given myself credit for decisions I’ve made.
Also…haven’t thought of this in a while, but I’ve manipulated people to make my decisions since I was terrified of that feeling of me trying independently and failing. I did…and still do that. Me NOT trading presently is evidence of that fear.
Gonna get off. Not making everyone happy with me, just thinking about it, overwhelms me.
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This is when inner parenting comes into play. There’s a mature part of you that’s capable of giving that love to your inner child that’s calling out for it. But the child might not believe it. These behaviors when you seek out others is most likely the inner child taking the wheel. Though it seems undesirable to exhibit those traits as a grown adult, they’re perfectly valid needs for a child. Try not to feel bad about seeking that love from others, these wounds run deep and are instinctual.
I see you’ve got a sanguine LB custom. So maybe that’s working towards building up inner trust in yourself right now. Maybe a smaller part of you needs to know it can trust the adult you.
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