That’s just outstanding! Never underestimate the power of books!
Yes, this is the one.
Are you German as well?
Not quite, from Switzerland 
But close.
Yeah, very close. Only about 5 km 
Day 2
Rest day
Yesterday I couldn’t use my normal escapes, all that mental dodging and avoiding.
It was uncomfortable. I had to face my thinking more. I’ve been in the former mentality for decades, and I tried old strategies, even playing helpless. And playing the victim
But not one of those strategies felt comfortable. Not one of them made me feel safe (which is why I’ve used them).
I sense that’s still going on in me.
I’m sharing this because it feels like a push into maturity. I sense I’m going the right way. I’ve wanted this for ages. But the little kid in me has been steering the ship constantly.
And that’s why I’ve gone in circles. I welcome this.
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I know I didn’t share this here Wednesday. @ksub made a comment in the Emperor thread, and I responded. I decided to stay on Emperor.
"I took an early washout since my recon was hitting continuously with LB and Emperor. My plan was to stop Emperor and start DR.
But.
Everything in me points me back to Emperor. You shared what I’ve been feeling today. Ambition and self-esteem have been rising up. I actually felt annoyed by my coworker today since our goals were very, very different. I wanted more success, and he didn’t seem to care.
In fact, what finalized this today was the long-term planning showed up. I began seeing myself months down the road, and I found myself building things in my head. I imagined speaking to our work crew with clarity and direction, and it felt easy for me.
And you know what? I’m no authority or person with vast knowledge in my field, but I spoke with a different purpose to them.
I even had some Emperor recon driving home, and I recognized it. I realized it was that voice telling me I’m not who I think I am. Like imposter syndrome, though I didn’t recognize it at first.
So I’m going to stay on Emperor.
I’m finding myself seeking tangible application for DR–something I’ve never ever done. But I’m going to allow this. I don’t have a clear goal for DR yet.
But today’s self-esteem gave me a brand new perspective on DR. I’ve mostly used DR to hide. Pairing that awareness with a glimmering LB had me crying a few times. LB is a flashlight in emotional darkness.
I’m still discovering how Emperor and LB help each other out. LB’s been busy tearing down my stubborn walls, and that’s having me reevaluate my masculine beliefs."
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Celebrating your success 
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Thank you @Parsifal 
These changes aren’t always easy, but it feels right.
I’ve had other people say Emperor will make me grow up, and I took it to heart. Staying on it.
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My current stack is Emperor and LBFH (and DR: Phoenix) and it’s a great combo. I think the new Love Bomb is even stronger. Maybe I replace Love Bomb For Humanity after my washout with Love Bomb.
And also from my all my best wishes. You’re on a great path.
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I remember some good moments that I knew LBFH had brought on.
I remember riding with this guy who I had no history with. And, I’m serious, all day he was laughing and looking for more.
The aura in that is powerful. Laughter is such a gift.
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I think staying on Emperor for an extended time is absolutely the correct choice for you.
It will help you build momentum.
Healing is good, but I think more action oriented healing could be a good change of pace for you.
There’s plenty of time to run DR in a year or two 
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Emperor is working on me. I actually got on the sales page during lunch to be refreshed on its goals.
I realized that I’m trying to hang on to beliefs that I’m weak. I’ve had some short interactions with people today, and they regularly treated me like I was valuable. Men and women. It made me feel good for a while.
That’s when I noticed myself trying to negate this in my mind, like I wasn’t allowed to really accept it.
Truth be told, me noticing this is a good sign. Emperor is working on me.
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I’m at home, facing things I’ve faced before.
What I’m missing today is that wall that kept everyone out. Neighbors came over right after I was home 5 minutes, but I’d already retreated to my room–I skirted my housemate knowing he wanted to use my ear once I was home. I retreated quickly.
But I’m avoiding the neighbors too. I don’t want to be around anyone.
LB has that self protection feature and I’m using it.
Edit: I’d remembered back at Christmas time when I hid from everyone. I had a wall around my heart, cutting off everybody.
Now I don’t have that, and fear and anger are the first things I feel.
Something rose up in me while writing. I’m going to leave my room and see my housemate
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False alarm.
Nothing bad happened. We sat, ate, and talked. Nothing stressful.
I did find myself bringing up business questions concerning local companies. Most of our conversation was business and money related.
Day 3
LB last night
Emperor this morning
I’m facing the same feelings and beliefs I faced coming home from work last night.
It’s “I don’t want to”.
I’m going to dig. LB has that feature where you’ll pull away from people if all they do is drain you.
I am so used to ignoring my own signals, those red flags waving, screaming STOP.
I’m scared of taking responsibility for myself since…
I failed?
Not allowed?
I’m not worthy?
Seeing and feeling a scared boy in my mind. I feel guilty, scared, scared to move and feel.
That’s me. Locked up. Scared I’ll be hurt…or be punished.
That’s my truth right now. I uncovered something. That locked up feeling.
I am scared of doing something wrong to myself.
–wow. My mom always failed loving me. She’s my model for self-love. I’m thinking that that’s how I love myself. I felt disappointed and hopeless to receive love from her. So I stopped reaching out to her.
I’ve thought that’s how I should treat myself. A no win situation. I’ve believed I’d only feel disappointment if I turned to myself. I have experienced this.
Final point. That same feeling of being locked up keeps me from asking (or receiving) “how do I do this?”
It locks everyone out.
I’ve been feeling melancholy all day. This morning’s post was quite revealing to me.
I’ve tried to hide from it, first working a half day then coming home, hiding from myself. Watched a movie. Staying in my room. Imagining eating since handling the imagined pain seems so big…so painful.
I’m so used to ignoring and avoiding this.
My big “why not?” which I’m afraid of is DR.
I keep falling back on fears of stuff coming out without me controlling it. I’ve survived by controlling it.
My biggest fear? Feeling like a failure. (Writing that hit me. It’s my biggest trauma.) I’ve not wanted to believe I failed as a child. God…if I was on DR right now, that fear and melancholy would have my gut pliable, me crying on and off, and me searching my memories for connections.
The soonest I’d be able to do this is tomorrow night.
I’m just making love to old fears right now. Choking back feelings.
Locking myself out.
Fuck.
I was just reading @Invictus’ journal. My thought that came up?
“What the fuck is wrong with me?”
I felt that in high school. I didn’t feel worthy or wanted, so I closed myself off from everyone. I’ve not seen that in my head since…a DR run. My 2nd run. Over 2 years back. It was my longest run, doing both stages 1 and 2.
I don’t know how to do this, meaning owning my true emotional life.
Gonna ask for help in the Emperor thread.
Chosen from within.
Start with 30 seconds a day, and evaluate as per feelings and thoughts.
Your issue is that you’re too harsh on yourself.
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Long reply @Invictus.
I am too harsh on myself. What’s really strange in me saying that is my awareness of it is changing these last few weeks. I believe it’s the NSE at work.
Before, I saw it. Didn’t feel it. So…I really didn’t have to take responsibility for it. It was hell to dig further with such limited awareness. It was trying solve an emotional problem with my mind alone. Very discouraging.
In the last 24 hours, I intentionally walked into what I was feeling, wrote about it…and I continued to feel it throughout the day. This led me to seriously question my normal pattern of habitually pushing it away.
Which led me to thinking “Would I, or could I tackle this fully if I had to face it everyday without the brakes on?”
Without tools, hell no. But DR with NSE is offered. And I asked others here last night in the Emperor thread. Palpatine pointed me to the objectives, and that helped me see my biggest priorities using subliminals.
I’ve wanted to live free. Be free. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I’m remembering a true confidence and boldness I was experiencing on St.2 two years back. Living without so many restraints. Surprising myself. People seeing change in me that I’d not been seeing.
So I’m going to start DR soon.
I’ve considered CFW a few times this last year, for it’s very effective. I pulled back since the NSE in other subs was helping me see and accept things which were quite new and inviting.
On that note, I’ll be running the store version of DR initially. But I’d made DR customs with Chosen two years back. I’d switch out a few modules most likely if I were to rebuild it.
I’m really curious how the rebellion scripting will change things for me. As a teenager, I didn’t experience that. None that I remember. But as an adult, I’ve had a growing sense to do what I’ve wanted and NOT be a flimsy yes man.
Wondering what might happen 
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