Do you know the concept of key naps?
Just take a bunch of keys in your hand and hold it firm. Sit on a chair (or toilet if the job doesn’t allow it otherwise) and allow yourself to fall asleep. Once you’re in deep enough, your muscles relax, you drop the keys and wake up.
Its super effective because your body is waking you at the exact point you’ve needed for an effective nap.
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That sounds exactly like what Thomas Edison did. He’d hold a metal rod in his hand and drift off to sleep. Just like with the keys, he’d drop it, and it’d wake him up.
He shared this because he had his biggest insights after these naps. He’d be stuck on an idea, unable to think of a solution, and an answer would come after a nap.
For myself, I discovered that my mind resets after such a nap. I had done a very physical route one day, and during our drive across town to the next stop, I took a nap with no alarm set. I woke up roughly 15 minutes later, and I felt completely recharged.
I usually take a nap during lunch for that reason. It often resets me–and my mood as well. I’ll be moody af, take a nap, and life will just be easier after that.
It truly works 
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It is good to write about those experiences. Naps have reset my whole day before. When working at the shop, I’ll go into this isolated storage area and just lie down on the concrete floor. I’ve done it hundreds of times, and I still do it.
Sometimes that’s my only mental escape. That breather is a lifeline when I’m battling something upstairs.
Yeah. A real reprieve when I can’t find answers. Relief has come many, many times.
Edit: I call it “shutting off my brain” when people ask why. It works for me.
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Day 1
Phoenix last night
LB this morning
Feeling some grief now. Last night’s loop of Phoenix gave me some dreams (not remembered), but I remember my gut churning.
I’m uncomfortable presently since lying to myself has been my survival gear.
Simultaneously, I’m feeling hope and looking for more.
Writing is hard since I’m in conflict with myself. I usually dissociate
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If it makes any sense, I’ve started posting maybe 3 times in the last 2 days.
I stopped and deleted them. Quickly. Even 5 minutes ago.
Because I felt that draw to hide in my old norms. And those norms strike fear in me.
Cuz I was willingly stuck there for eons. I don’t want to go there.
This started during my last cycle with Emperor and CFW.
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Day 2
Rest day
I come here, and quite regularly, I’m faced with wanting to “hold on” to old ways. This makes writing difficult since I’ve lied to myself often to hang on to old patterns, fearing I couldn’t handle such a transition.
I faced it this morning, but LB…speaks differently to me. I feel bolder. I came here to share I’m motivated to go out and explore life. This isn’t that curious draw from Genesis. This is a heartfelt boldness which is vastly different from my normal.
Last night I messaged someone here about a LB/Sanguine custom he built, and I’m motivated to build one myself. I stacked the new LB and new Sanguine months back a single day, and wow, it was beautiful. I’d read Saint share his experience with stacking them, and he got me curious. When I stacked them, it was heavenly. I’m obsessing on that one 
And something I need to do, for me. My conversation with the member here made me question my continual focus on healing. Again, Saint admitted early on while testing NSE if healing subs were even necessary anymore. And I was pointed toward HeartSong and even DareDevil last night. NSE works right where you’re at, having you flesh out your issues, facing them in real life. I need to send a support ticket in to seek counsel. The big reminder I’ve gotten in past tickets is “what do YOU want to do?”
And I’ve been hiding from … just living. It was safe. Safe was comfortable…for a while. But it’s stagnant.
I want change. I want to not be afraid…to live life. I want that. I really do. That feeds my draw towards a LB/Sanguine custom.
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I keep debating adding Sanguine to my stack. The constant negativity I am surrounded by is so draining
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I’m considering the LB/Sanguine custom since…
- They work fantastically together
- Your calm state is felt around others and I’ve seen people give in to that relaxed harmonious feeling I was emitting.
- In reality, this is my biggest one: I allowed myself to relax and not fear imagined negatives in my head. I’ve felt good before, but often let it go. I basically dismissed it. LB (which I’m using right now) is showing me I can allow peacefulness into my life. That’s unforgettable.
- Something Sanguine focuses on is confidence. I felt good, I felt worthy, and (new for me) I felt I could allow good feelings and beliefs into my life. True confidence is super easy with those bases covered.
And finally, some wisdom.
In many social circles, having enough wealth, status, or whatever makes one wealthy. But long ago, I noticed that loving myself and my life was true wealth to me. I’ve been working on financial wealth, making progress.
But loving myself, I’ve had loads of failure and, more often, I’ve given up. LB blows through those “I can’t” beliefs, and that is true wealth to me.
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Day 3
Phoenix last night
LB this morning
Damn. Not making everyone happy. I’ll write to find an answer.
I just got off @Parsifal’s journal, and he’s on Emperor. I read a number of early posts, and I connected to the increasing motivation to make good changes in life.
This comes from a guy who accepted being stuck for many years, and reading his journal lit a fire in me.
Again, being stuck was my “stay young, stay hidden” mentality. It was also bathed in regret. Completely loaded with it.
Damn. I’ve accepted this so long.
I just realized another mental regret, my biggest one. I used people. I did. I’ve played powerless and helpless so many times–for one reason.
When I played powerless, I played with people’s emotions so I’d be rescued. Suddenly, someone took responsibility for me. And I hid from my own. It’s a manipulative game. I did this. I’ve felt shame.
I did that.
Emperor made me believe in myself. Remembering that shameful mentality is eating me up right now…but Emperor pulled me away from it. My big boy pants.
I’ll add this mental conflict. The main reason I pulled off Emperor last cycle was…CFW overrode that success mentality completely. CFW owned my world, and I grew very discouraged. It is also older technology, and I remember Saint having some struggle with it himself when they released it.
Still feeling shitty. I’ve lived like that. Can I not live in shame?
Gonna take a walk.
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I’m going to go back to Emperor and stack it with LB.
My life has been a game of responsibility dodgeball. I can name many regrets, both past and present, and 99% of them exist since I’ve dodged responsibility or even awareness of them. I’ve been doing this for decades, and life is hell when all I’m ever trying to do is be unaware of the fallout of my choices.
I’ve made my life hard. I can make positive changes.
I can do that.
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There’s value in healing. But running healing titles should not be the end goal.
I think running Emperor is the right choice. You need to build something. Move forward. Emp will help with that.
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I agree. I’m moving forward with that choice.
Emperor is the only sub where I’ve realized that big shifts were happening, though they weren’t so obvious in the moment. Those little successes seem to change everything.
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“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.”
HENRY DAVID THOREAU
This was unexpected to see.
What am I doing?
Day 5
Listening day
I woke up feeling rough from LB last night. So I listened to Sanguine this morning.
I’m also realizing I’m not seeking everyone else’s validation. I’m seeking my own.
That’s why I’ve been uncomfortable. There’s like a low-key empowerment building. My mind’s adjusting to it.
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I’m seeing I tend to reject my own thoughts and feelings.
I noticed that after writing my last post. I felt uneasy followed by feeling giddy. I felt I had stated my truth to myself, so part of me celebrated.
But I also felt like I’d broken a rule, like I’m crossing a major boundary I’ve kept in place.
This is beautiful. Deep. New to me. And incredibly exciting.
Amazing.
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Facing something consistently this morning.
I’m used to seeking out others for validation. But I’m uncomfortable seeking it. I’m acting very unsure of myself.
Also, I’m uncomfortable receiving it. That’s why this stands out to me.
Edit: I’m at work, attempting to do my normal behaviors. But my throat is tense.
I’m really out of my norm mentally.
Definitely experienced this. It could be like a rush for me, apart from the letting loose of my thoughts, I thought it was due to journaling which is a form of (taking) action, and the feel good scripting in cubs/modules taking effects.
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2 realizations so far today:
I realized I’ve had this hidden expectation that women should love me. Not that I should love them. That’s why romantic relationships have been extremely sparse and…undesirable. I see myself as a leech doing that. Solitude, in contrast, doesn’t fill me with a guilty conscience. I’d never been aware of it.
Also, I had some road rage surfacing since I’m doing deliveries today. I clearly realized that I expected people (anyone at all) to love me. Like “it’s their job!” When a beeach drove by fast only 2 feet from me, I raged internally. Then it began spreading to everyone driving. I stopped driving, knowing LB is showing me what foundation I’m standing on.
I didn’t see any of that before.
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This’ll probably make sense.
I would be in euphoria one minute, and two minutes later I’d feel scared and miserable. That shadow self would rise up and seem to fight progress.
When a sub is very active, I find this dance between the good parts of me and the shadow self.
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Day 6
Rest day
I’ve not loved myself.
No girlfriend or wife?
No close friends?
No regular activities like church?
I pulled away fearing people would see…or I would see…this painful wound…that I’ve had little love for myself.
I’ve tried to hide it from my own awareness. And that really really effs up life. Each and every day.
I am feeling a little sad as I woke up this morning. LB is moving in and pushing out what I’ve been using to survive.
But I’m slowly seeing hope. Positive possibilities.
This is a ride. I sense it’s worth it.
Edit: I’m gonna request some days off soon. I’ve got time available. I’ll do it this morning
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