Changes - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#487

Washout day 1

I’m enjoying the mental shifts and changes already. I woke up and felt a desire to move and act. I just wanted to “do”.

And…I also recognize a sadness, since this hasn’t been my norm. It’s NEW for me. This really inspires me :blush:

Also surprisingly, I found a news piece which greatly encourages me. It is an article finding the VALUE in the imposter syndrome.

Since starting Emperor, I’ve been worried about this. However, even yesterday I had a glimpse of owning the Emperor mentality vs. wondering “Could I really…?” I’m grateful SC has evolved this valuable subliminal.

I’ll paste the first paragraph of the article. It’s an Epoch Times piece.

“We should never want to know (nor work for) a person who does not have imposter syndrome—can you imagine that person’s arrogance? So why do so many good and capable people experience this feeling and, worse, see it as a huge weakness? So let’s change that perspective.”

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#488

Washout day 2

Holy shit. Change. Progress. I just wrote a buddy since he asked how I was doing with the subs.

Pasted below.

I just woke up…and just realized something.

I looked for something familiar. And that’s fear. Looking for and desiring my brother’s attention. I don’t want to admit it to myself, I didn’t want to, and I even considered stuffing it, swallowing it actually.

I’m in a spot where I’m used to avoiding this. This is what I’ve spent the last 40 years trying not to feel. Grief is trying to come up, and I know of only one time I’ve ever let it out.

My mind has been composing these words, and my emotions are waiting.

I don’t feel terror. I feel an actual willingness. I feel closer to 20 years back when I let this out, sobbing on a counselor’s lap at a healing weekend.

Phoenix is allowing this. I haven’t let go yet. But I’m not being pushed either. I’m seeing in my mind this Phoenix image swirling in front of me. It’s inviting me to step closer, to step in. Just like 20 years ago.

I feel myself looking for, listening for my brother’s direction. I’m asking “what do I do?” And it’s quiet.

I recently said I don’t trust myself. I usually trusted him for everything. I’ve blamed myself when things went wrong.

I blamed myself for him not returning home. Like someone had to be punished. That was normal in my home, coming from Mom. I hated myself since I was trained to do that.

I’m in a spot I’ve never been. Ever. And I accept it. Time for change.

Flipping amazing.

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#489

Washout day 3

I’m feeling lonely this morning. Yesterday I felt rage and shame since I expected support here.

I’ve had those expectations every day of my life. I realized this since yesterday I was having those same unspoken expectations of my coworker. I also realized I had put all the blame on him. He was the problem.

Experience has taught me time and time again that when I’m really unsettled, I’m projecting my crap onto others. That was really true yesterday. I saw him as a selfish, self-serving pos not caring about anybody else. Yep. Exactly.

After writing that, I felt a sense of loving towards myself. I’ve always expected anyone (not me) to love me. It’s a very unfulfilling existence, put mildly.

Loneliness, I’ve also learned, is the unique awareness that I am not loving myself. Noone else can fill that. Only I can.

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#490

Day 4
Rest day
LB and Emperor yesterday

I just wrote this off the forum. I’m scared to share it, but this is what’s happening. No glory and celebration. Just accepting truths a little at a time.

Pasted below.

I want to hide this morning. Emperor might be working on my stuck issues because I have desire to step out somewhere today, but I keep seeing myself as young, weak, and not able to succeed.

This is where I was stuck when using Genesis last year. I saw opportunities left and right, but I felt like that scared small child fearing failure again. Imagining failure.

I’m avoiding responsibility now, but also in the memories floating through my mind.

I think I’m looking at my wealth ceiling. I “can’t do this” and “can’t do that”, all of it in my head.

Just realized…noone was there to talk to. Noone was okay with truth. Seeing a moment in my childhood, me standing underneath a tree, feeling alone.

I also feel and felt a blaming I initiated on myself. I thought “being alone means someone has to be hated”. I threw it on myself.

That was the worst feeling. I totally believed all of this, and…I never, ever shared it. Noone cared about themselves, so me being valuable or cared about was not an option.

I’ve avoided that belief. That memory was traumatic. Dissociation from it has been my survival tool.

Hiding was the tool of the day. I couldn’t resolve it, so I created fantasies to hide behind. That’s what I’m feeling now.

I’ve not been here before. I’m unsure what’s doing the digging, but I’m looking at my past finally. Something is working.

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#491

I was reading someone’s journal, and something became very clear.

I’ve been avoiding sharing here since…I don’t want to keep looking at my failures and poor self-perceptions of myself. I don’t want to identify myself constantly by this.

I want to be good enough, loveable, considerate. I want to be on the same team, not a castaway.

I want to be loved. I wish to trust myself and care about others too.

How do I do this? One moment and step at a time

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#492

I chose to listen to Phoenix tonight since I’ve been fearful of feeling too vulnerable around coworkers tomorrow. I’ll do Genesis or LB tomorrow morning

I pulled this from the NFTW thread:

I’m unsure of the actual reasons for this, but the issue of self-belief has frankly…really hit home for me, actually since I began Genesis last year. Genesis didn’t create this issue. No, not at all.

I believe a lot of old survival strategies I’d used pre-healing were not accessible so easily while on Genesis. Like I’d lost my grip on my old survival tools, aka my identity. I am 52 years old, but I’ve been acting like a 12 year old “little brother” to males around me, and I was hiding behind other’s strength and skill to (survive feeling like a 12 year old around adult peers). Hiding this, from both myself and others, was MANDATORY to me.

And I think Genesis allowed me to see who I am more clearly and how I’ve been living WITHOUT all the fears normally associated with acknowledging it. Thank God for emotional transmutation.

And now I’m trying to find where I fit and can be true to myself. Yes…Phoenix is helping with this. When I began writing that sentence, I realized…that I was holding on to old ways, like I’ve always done. It’s always been “normal” for me. Letting go of “survival” tools often feels or appears scary, but really, I’ve not had emotional shocks while on Phoenix.

I’m kind of smiling at my beliefs now. I thought one would know what to do when they grew up. I’m serious. …I really think I demanded others to have the answers that I didn’t have. But just like I hate people treating me like that, people distance themselves when I demand they know too.

So…self-belief. I’ve been seeing this and owning it at times, but I’m seeing my own blocks to believing in myself clearer than I did 30 or 60 days ago. Changes are actually happening. They’re often not so loud though.

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#493

I’m gonna write.

I’ve been wandering with subliminals. I’m desiring safety and security, but I’ve also desired courage and ambition. I used another producer’s subs all of last week (I bought them in 2021), and I had some positive experiences. However, I also craved some masculine courage. So yesterday, Sunday, I listened to 9 minutes of Stark Black. I got my financial ambition and inner courage back.

Then last night, I listened to 5 minutes of Sanguine, my first time. That’s one nice sub. I was very reflective and open to good things in my life.

I’m just in my feelings and sorting out my thoughts right now. I try “too hard” to modify myself for others, day in and day out, and that makes me appreciate SB. SB seems to give me balls to stand up to inner BS–where most of it is.

Screeeech…just remembered.

I’ll be starting the new Love Bomb tomorrow. But this morning my mind was swimming in how it might be helpful. Like love…it’s a strange thing to me. I’ve avoided it a lot…because I didn’t believe I could love myself … or someone else. Being honest. I look at women all the time. But “being known” freaks me out, literally. I can put on a front for a short while…

…but I’ve grown tired of lying to others–so I can gain–so I can get something I want…frick. Doing that really is me lying to myself. It’s a major mindf**k.

This morning, I held on the possibility that with LB I might be able to accept myself. Me smoozing and lying to others is my ploy to gain some acceptance from them. Because for some reason, I reject myself. A lot. Most days I’m unaware of it. But me using those other subs had me aware that I reject myself the most. They worked on old patterns…BUT… that sense of self-acceptance was just touched on. I felt myself resisting it. And walking into unknowns here at SC (listening to LB) ignites a fire in me. SB must be activating right now. I love SB since it’s got this streak that seems to say “why the f**k NOT?!!” Courage to try is golden :slight_smile:

I’m seriously considering using Sanguine with LB tomorrow instead of SB. It really relaxed my tense mind.

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#494

To sum up what I imagined this morning in regards to LB, I was strangely aware of all my old beliefs about love. How I’ve believed it was my fault I wasn’t loved while living at home. How that was my default belief in every friendship and relationship. That those messages have guided my life.

And simultaneously, I sensed this inner acceptance, like a potent smoke or vapor seeping into my life. I could see and feel love and acceptance of myself and of others. Like the handcuff keys were offered to me, and I took them off quickly, unsure where it led. But feeling good filled me, and I wasn’t stressed or afraid. Surreal, for sure.

I’m writing now, looking at myself from afar, and I have more choice now. I’ve lived so long not thinking I had choice over this, but wow… I’m unsure where I’m going, but I’m getting out of the way!

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#495

LB last night, Sanguine this morning, then another 30 seconds of LB maybe 10 minutes ago.

I’m becoming aware that I have used people, and it feels bad enough that I’m scared of doing it again.

Old memories of shame are remembered, but it hasn’t dug in. Heavy shame was felt even recent years ago, and isolation was mandatory then.

So this is weird and strange, but motivating. I’m not thinking old self-disdain and pain.

Strange. Hopeful. Inviting. Unusual.

Definitely. All the above

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#496

Feeling something different in my throat this morning, different from my norm.

Like a small sadness.

I’m uncomfortable expressing it. I’m used to ignoring or suppressing it.

But it’s here.

Wow. Crying now. I realized I’ve very harshly blamed myself when feeling this. LB addresses us judging ourselves, so I know this is LB at work.

I’ve judged myself every single day looking at my recent coworker I’ve been with the last two months. From day one I thought he was a judgemental ass. But I was the miserable one. Seeing that day after day made me see I was projecting my crap onto him.

And the first time I used LB, 3 days ago, he picked up my aura. He did some helpful, unexpected things while working, and I saw it.

Rest day today. It’s blooming, and I’m feeling sadly aware that I’ve hurt him and others. I’ve hurt myself too. I’ll see what LB points out today.

I’m scared to be loving towards myself. Don’t know why.

Answer: self-blame is still loud in my head. Like I’m breaking my normal rules.

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#497

Day 3
Genesis this morning, then ASBR

I’m feeling unsure. Unconfident. I woke up, listened to a full loop of Genesis, then listened to 5 minutes of ASBR maybe 30 minutes later. And both have affected my thinking today.

Like…what would I really want to do to earn money? I’ve followed numerous successful marketing and sales businesses over the years…and I’ve always held back.

I’ve watched 2 sales webinars today, first for an SEO product, then another SEO product with very clear results. And I’m seeing how I could use one or both to build a business…

but is that who I am? Who am I? What is me vs. the man who’s done anything for love and acceptance? Yep. I’ve done exactly that. I am noticing more how even at work I’ve played a role and forgotten me…just to receive some love.

I guess, at my core, I’ve really believed I’m not worth much. Maybe that’s why I’ve not believed in (the person I thought hasn’t had worth). That’s why I’ve pulled off Emperor numerous times. I’ll feel my energy and power increasing…and thoughts of “who the hell are you?” surface and shake me.

I’ll name where I’m stuck. Feeling powerful is very opposite of where I’ve hidden from in life. Life isn’t experienced in my imagination. It’s found in short and long relationships over time. In person. In contact with others. In me risking being real around others.

I just know of no subs called, for example, “Normal Guy”. I guess noone’s attracted to that. My reason for me being attracted to it is I’ve spent countless years avoiding being myself, and now I’m desiring some peace with myself. Period.

In light of the financial aims, I’m seeking to do something to earn a living without selling my soul and identity each time. AKA “not being honest with myself”.

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#498

Day 4
Rest day

I’ve been waiting on my Genesis custom, but I’ve been reading posts and thinking about what’s driving me, what is directing me, and I’m unsure about the “easy” way I’ve chosen.

I’m just writing now. I often see my thinking while writing. My predetermined goals even change while writing, and this is true now.

I’m thinking Emperor would be much more effective in helping me get out of my safe spot.

I’ve been holding myself back for ages since I felt like I failed when I was a young child. Every life choice has been steered by that trauma.

I’ve wondered about an Emperor/LB custom.
Or Emperor/CFW.
Or possibly the biggest challenge: Emperor/Phoenix.

Emperor pushes past all the financial and mental blocks to success. Then there’s the root issues, the actual trauma.

The proof that this is a real trauma: when I’ve considered removing/eradicating/destroying this trauma, I freeze up. Even writing that brought tears to my eyes.

I never made a Emperor/DR custom back when I put all focus on healing. But @COWolfe’s example is one model that’s stuck in my head. He’s doing an Emperor/Phoenix custom now.

I’m gonna take a walk. I need to get outside.

@Jouissance

3 Likes
#499

These all sound like Genesis results to me. maybe enhanced by your other subs. Phoenix and ASBR especially

Seeing what’s driving you and reflecting on your goals are Genesis results,
Desiring to get out of your safe spot is a GENESIS result (risk and adventure scripting)

Desiring to clear blocks and get to the root trauma is a GENESIS result.

And it sounds like the healing you’re doing on Genesis is PERFECT for you, since eradicating/removing/destroying those traumas terrifies you - but you’re dissolving it with Genesis and letting it go with action and journaling.

So keep going with Genesis - just another example of getting the exact results you’re after, wanting to get the results faster, and thinking sub switching will speed up the process.

My only critique is you’ve listened to 5 subs in the last 21 days, LB, emperor, phoenix, genesis, ASBR… and you did a 3 day washout. You sure you’re not just a tiny bit overexposed? When I ran a cycle of Genesis (which was amazing) I actually got ALL my results on the washout, and I had to do a 9 day washout instead of my usual 4 because the revelations got more and more intense.

2 Likes
#500

Thank you for saying that @Jouissance. I haven’t seen that like you are right now.

I have been jumping around. In this writing, I’m seeking to make sense of what I’ve been doing.

When I look at what I’ve really kept my eyes on, I’ve wanted, really wanted, a freedom to express myself.

I’ll feel happiness.
I’ll feel anger.
I’ll feel joy.
I’ll feel sadness

But truthfully, I don’t share it much. People don’t know how I feel. And my biggest challenges in life, well, one specifically, is that I don’t speak up. I don’t admit these things often, if at all.

I was even looking at another producer’s sub that focused on letting others in my life know my likes, dislikes, and boundaries. Because I play mysterious. But sometimes I really wish I knew what I want. I keep it inside, so I habitually hide things from myself.

I’m not jumping to that producer, but that is my personal need.

That’s my reason for writing so much, especially when a sub blooms. I do not have steady people in my life who I can be myself with. That I can share honestly with.

I’d never have thought that was my need. But it is. It feels so freeing to be real around people

3 Likes
#501

Day 5
7 minutes of Genesis this morning
Sanguine or LB later

I’m writing since I’m feeling a little sad, and I want to acknowledge it.

It says to me that a part of me is scared to change. Which is normal. That resistance is purely emotional. I’ve had two rare positive thoughts pop up in the last 5 minutes.

Just changes trying to happen.

A great question for myself: how do I do this?

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#502

Got my custom. I can’t listen until Wednesday…

but I felt really good with Genesis and LB today. I listened to LB during our mid-morning break. I had been internally hostile, and just 5 minutes worked very, very well.

It’s kind of ironic, and even that’s an understatement, but the guy I’m working with is a LOT like me. Lots of unspoken expectations (which I blow up in my mind just reading facial expressions)…and this has caused problems.

But today (after LB), he corrected me, and in a much calmer fashion, I replied and was honest. I shared my own wrong thinking (he shared some of his too), and the defensiveness…dropped quickly.

I owned my shit.

Wow. I owned my shit.

I’ve been projecting my own judgements on him for 2 months now, and I’m actively pursuing the truth of what I do and think. Hiding it is a lie, especially when he’s reading me as well. Just facing this is changing how I relate…almost to myself.

I will admit this here: LB dissolves those instantaneous judgements quickly. I love that.

2 Likes
#503

Day 6
Rest day

I’m facing my fears of being honest with myself.

I was reading posts this morning, and I felt a slow sadness rising. I fear writing since I feel something true and honest, but I’ve been avoiding this for so long. I usually mask the truth of what I’m feeling, first to myself, then to others.

So, last night I had an idea to make a post detailing my aim and struggles so I might ask for help. My goal: being me. Being true. Being real.

I’m seeing the problem I created in times past. All my life, I’ve played the role of a little brother in need. That translates very simply as me play acting that I’m helpless. To succeed, I must lie, lie, and lie again. First to me, then to you. This thinking has shipwrecked me 1000’s of times.

I thought having a tough mask would help me do this. Well, that didn’t work. Being honest with myself works. And yesterday I had some unfiltered memories from childhood come up–and truth is attractive. Nothing dramatic at all. I work in the same town I grew up in, and my mind swam in some memories. I found myself checking those memories to see if I had masked my feelings back then. I haven’t found that yet, as these were before my older brother left.

So that’s where I am today. Wow. This is different. Real different for me. Shed tears in the last 30 seconds.

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#504

Day 5
DRLD and LB this morning
5 minutes each

I took some time off subs here, and I used another producer’s. I’m back on SC subs now since growth is a given here.

Kind of hesitant with words. DRLD is working deeply and effectively on me, and I’m allowing it.

1 Like
#505

Day 6
Rest day

I’m feeling vulnerable. I felt it yesterday.

I usually hide behind some mental cloak of denial. And strangely, I’ve had some confidence around others while using it.

I’m at another work site yesterday and today, and I noticed this cloak being useless. I sat at lunch with 2 guys I’ve worked with before, and I felt like my mask was obvious. That’s when this old confidence began slipping away.

To “survive”, I considered a DRLD custom with the Iron Frame module. I felt like this with early versions of DR, feeling defenseless around male peers. Saint advised it, and it worked great.

I’m just not confident trying to avoid this. Avoidance is avoidance.

I’m not wanting to keep running. Bullshitting myself is becoming obvious.

And I’m seeing me bluffing myself in another relationship too. With another male peer.

I feel sadness and relief wondering “what’s happening here?” Great relief. It’s joy, actually.

#506

What am I running from?