Changes - Subliminalguy

[subliminalguy]

Considering Emperor again.

Working with a total waste today. I’ve wanted to tell him 10000 times to turn his music down. I put in earplugs for my own relief.

I’ve never considered myself powerful.

Damn. There’s this awareness that… I think he should protect me. The expectation, the growing want for him to show kindness.

The wait. The wait. The wait.

(I finally asked him to turn it down. He gave that defiant stare. Dumbass. And he did)

That wait turns to bitterness and blame. Me blaming people for ME not speaking up.

Lots of thoughts coming up. Flashes of Emperor successes. Little ones were huge to me.

Taking action is how I’ve made changes. Studying details of “how” never have. Lots of dreams with no action left me disempowered.

I fucking hate talking about shit without taking action. I used to hide there, thinking I couldn’t change much.

[subliminalguy]

Washout day 4

I decided yesterday, while still working, that I’d not allow this anymore. The 5 year old adult I worked with breaks any rule in place, both legally and personally, and I just ate it.

The manager had left before we got back to the yard, so I texted her. I said I’d give no details why (ie. I wouldn’t snitch), but I would not work with him anymore.

She said we’d talk in the morning. AAGGHH!! Men don’t try to “fix” relationships. This woman doesn’t get it. No debating, no making deals. NO!

I dislike such talks since she often just wants details–meaning using what I share against him.

It’ll be a very short conversation. She rehired the same guy who got fired from us for fighting another employee, so I won’t tolerate “playing nice” with this entitled child.

Stupid people get stupid results. I won’t work with him!

–I usually swallow this. Every time. Phoenix is changing something in me.

[subliminalguy]

Nothing I prepared for happened. I’m just with another guy today. No fuss

[subliminalguy]

Washout day 5

Angry right now, actually. Not sub related, but it’s had a part.

When companies continually slow their workers down, and workers think it’s good, a total mindf*** is being used.

Less work
Less productivity
Same money

Why, oh why, would people think this is GOOD?

It reeks like socialist thinking, which takes everything we value away from us.

I’ve been questioning a lot lately, and this is fouling up the company I work for.

[subliminalguy]

Day 1
Phoenix last night
TWTP this morning

Not feeling too much this morning.

I think that’s good since a lot of past time has been spent in a fantasy world. I’ve been pulling myself away from that.

[subliminalguy]

Amazing. Literally amazing to me.

I’ve not been reading the forum lately–it’s been used as a hideout world for me, trying to live through other people’s lives constantly.

So me not reading the forum lately has helped me not be in that hideout mentality.

I just read some journals, and I don’t like how I feel.

Fucking amazing. Wow.

[subliminalguy]

I noticed some awesome changes and experiences today. Some of it is Phoenix. Some is TWTP.

1. This first one speak volumes to me. I shared this morning how I’ve been pulling away from fantasies. Well, I didn’t desire to go home right after work since I wanted quiet and peace, and my housemate has TV’s blaring constantly. I almost went to the library…um…until I thought about it. Libraries have always been used as a hideout for me. But a growing (and NEW) motivation is to face it. Nothing changes if I don’t change anything. I’ve never felt so committed to facing a challenge in my life. It’s not the biggest, but it is ONE THING. And Ill take that.

2. I faced some mental recon today. It wasn’t emotional, and it didn’t distract me from my duties. I just realized I’m questioning things I normally don’t.
   –Pride is one of them. I wondered first “am I too proud of myself? Am I being real, or am I just fooling myself?” and I also felt low and unappreciative of myself. Maybe…maybe I’m just finding truth vs. relying on lies to myself. A healthy balance
   –I had another issue I was questioning. I’ll come back when I remember it.
   Edit: I remembered it. I was doing a task today which required a bit of bodily agility and stretching and I LOVED it. The conflict? Our company avoids all bodily risks as much as possible–but I truly enjoyed it. I had this feeling come up saying “am I worth feeling good?” but it didn’t hit me harshly because I was succeeding in what I was doing. Sitting here now, I’m only feeling sad since—I’m hoping they (the higher-ups) will love me and accept me. Phoenix is at work. I’d not have thought of that connection otherwise I’ve relied on false beliefs so much of my life, and Phoenix is dismantling, tearing down, and sometimes blowing up old beliefs which diminish my self-worth.

3. This is day 1 of using TWTP. I had a very obvious reaction by a cashier while waiting in line to pay for a drink. Like she looked at me and got flushed and jittery. Her eyes widened, saying she felt something in the air, and this happened while I waited on the guy in front of me. I’ve wondered about this aura of power given. (This is why I began questioning myself about pride, as I’ve usually shot low and perceived myself as low on the status totem pole.) But dang, I’d never witnessed that with my eyes. I’ve heard women respond vocally to my presence on Emperor years back, but this girl’s physical reaction wowwed ME.

4. Throughout the day, I had a number of coworkers speak to me or call out to me. I felt trustworthy and honored to be honored by these men. This wasn’t weak status posturing on my part. People responded like I was truly worthy of their trust, and it helped me BELIEVE I WAS THAT PERSON. It felt good…nah, it felt absolutely WONDERFUL.

But the biggest change I’ve seen today is headfirst jump into small challenges when avoiding them is usually chosen. Kind of cool, I do say.

[subliminalguy]

Day 2
Rest day

I’ve avoided it this morning so far, but reading my last post had me wondering “why not?” I’m feeling this temper tantrum waking up since I wanted to sleep in.

No, I wanted to care for myself. I wanted to listen to myself. Like a parent listening to their child who never gives a hard time and always goes to school.

This is new, so I’m listening.

Wow. I’m facing old fears and feelings of abandoning myself. Old pain I’ve not faced, meaning really faced at this level, in a while.

Thank you Phoenix.

[subliminalguy]

Day 3
Phoenix last night, TWTP this morning

I listened to TWTP about an hour ago, and I’m angry.

I’m angry since I lie to myself constantly. I have to do something (anything) and I dodge, avoid, and deflect it away.

Most of what I avoid is due to possibly making a person disappointed in me. This scared child in me is still reliving old traumas of being slapped down and rejected. I’m pasting that image into any possible conflict.

And that’s where I am right now. That anger is trying to protect me. Guard me. I feel like I’m facing something terrifying, but Phoenix is there with me doing something beautiful.

I’m not alone.

Just sitting with it allows a perspective change. Because I have a choice now.

[subliminalguy]

Day 4
Rest day

Phoenix is working.

I’m grieving this morning. I’d rather not do this since I’ve spent my entire life turning my back on this pain. Avoiding this used to be easy. I could find a hundred different ways to distract myself.

I just woke up this morning realizing that part of me is grieving and letting go, and an old prideful part wants to raise hell so this is avoided.

I’ve never gotten this far.

[subliminalguy]

I was just reading in @Sub.Zero’s journal. I got into comparing myself.

I’m so used to seeing myself as less than. Smaller. Weaker. In need of assistance. That…that is the role I grew up in. I live it out, yes. I still see myself like that.

Looking at my thinking, I’ve never wanted to leave it. It’s unknown and scary.

I’m really glad Fire chose to bypass all the guru thinking for Phoenix. Gurus might coddle me, tell me to eye the good stuff and focus on it. For me, that’s bullshit. It’d be another way to avoid my fears.

I am scared. Distracting from that keeps me from growing, from facing the very things I’ve spent thousands of hours avoiding. I’m grateful to actually face what I’ve thought would destroy me.

I thought facing it would lock me into that perceived weakness. I thought I’d be stuck there.

Seeing my own irony, my own double-talk. Because I have been stuck there. I’ve held on to it, hoping for some stranger’s help. That’s the only thing I’ve ever had hope in. It’s the very reason why I went to 12-step groups for 2 decades. I hid there mostly. I found more focused groups later, encouraging some honesty.

I just didn’t know how to let go. That’s been my weakness, when I pulled out. Major internal changes remind of something about the trauma. Just thought of that.

Phoenix is teaching me something I’ve been afraid to see.

Why do I keep going? It really really burns when I give up on myself. Phoenix is doing something I’ve never experienced. I want to allow this healing.

[subliminalguy]

I just downloaded Love Bomb ZP v2 onto my phone. A couple of internal changes pushed me towards this.

The biggest one is I’m seeing how I’ve been pulled back to automatic behaviors of hiding constantly–and part of me is shifting. Honestly. I’m not going in gung-ho and aggressively (meaning “fearfully” to me).

I’m just going, like I’m trusting something I don’t know, because it feels more sane and welcoming than constantly hiding in fear. I know how to hide. But that part of me grieving this is opening up the door, whispering to me to change… Like it’s saying to me “just let go subliminalguy”.

I’m also wanting to open my heart up to love once again. On a sidenote, I considered purchasing HeartSong today. There’s more healing needed there (I started crying when I wrote that), but junk is being scraped off of everything I’ve relied on in relationships. Yesterday and the day before, I had these strange imaginations of wanting to be around a woman who wasn’t all hyped and “perfect” per emotional standards. I actually began seeing some woman (in my mind) who was …sane. Real. Tough, maybe. But very feminine. I could only draw that out if I were real myself.

And thirdly, I had an exchange with Fire via support, because I desired to make a LB or LBFH/Phoenix custom. He told me it was completely my choice whether I wanted LB or LBFH, so I’m going to listen to LB tomorrow morning to get a better feel for it. I’ll do Phoenix in the evening.

P.S. I never knew so much healing was desired in love relationships. The closer to it I get, the more I see how fragile I feel. And from what I’ve been picking up from various non-love related readings, I seek to see my “weaknesses” in a new light.

[subliminalguy]

Day 5
Love Bomb this morning

I had a flashback of being on Genesis while listening to LB this morning. Genesis was such an inspiring sub to be on, for me personally.

It had that risk-taking scripting in it, and for me, that was incredibly memorable. It invited me to try little things I’ve usually suppressed and ignored

I’ve had Furious Ascent in my custom module cart for months now. I just added some more since I’m going to build this Phoenix/LB custom. Because there’s risk in every part of life. I always felt more grown-up when facing even little challenges.

This sounds closer to that Genesis/DR custom I never built

Wondering: a Genesis/Phoenix custom instead?

Edit. I sent a ticket to support about this.

[subliminalguy]

Day 6
Rest day

I’m facing some guilt over a decision I made years back since I’ve changed nothing yet. There’s fear and guilt that have quietly needled me, and I dreamed last night of being without that guilt, without hiding, without that fear.

I hope this grows.

Maybe I can make a change. Sounds obvious, but I’ve felt powerless to this, with me constantly dressing up the results so I’ll feel better. No. Just less guilty.

[subliminalguy]

I had a moment this morning where I realized I normally follow someone else’s mood.

I noticed it this morning when someone was in a stressed mood, and I wasn’t. I held my ground and my tongue, so I never entered his state.

This is very significant. I usually just fall into the same emotional pit others are in.

Edit: I’ve usually followed others emotions since I’ve felt obligated to.

This is linked to that overwhelming guilt I’ve hung on to which has steered my life greatly. That dream from last night had me shedding it, and this was a fruit of this.

[subliminalguy]

I’m home. Lying in bed. Wishing to feel what I do, before tucking it away due to anybody else’s expectations.

I sense hurt by being around others since I tuck me away quickly when around others.

I’ve done this my whole life, and now I’m really avoiding it.

Case in point: my housemate has guests over atm, eating dinner in the kitchen. Nice people. But damn, I feel guilty for taking care of myself and avoiding them.

This gd illusion I’ve hid behind and looked good to others.

What I really need is time to hear myself.

What’s shocking to me is that I feel really illiterate, really inexperienced in this. I usually lie to myself and hide behind some false belief. I’ve done this a lot.

I’m fucking uncomfortable trying to lie. To me. To anyone. So I’m staying where I am for right now.

Have I ever done this? Not like this. Feels new.

[subliminalguy]

Day 6
LBFH this morning

I listened to LBFH since I’m being hard on myself. My other choice was TWTP.

But I’m not being kind to myself. Not sure why. I keep trying to look away from what’s bothering me.

And since last week, I’ve been curious if LBFH is really that effective towards others. I rode with a different guy last week, and the days I ran LBFH, we laughed most of the day. To me it was quite obvious, but I’m riding with another coworker now. I guess I’m testing it.

But my main reason this morning, I’m hurting and blaming myself. For what I’m not sure

[subliminalguy]

And last night went ok.

As soon as I began writing that, I saw that old aim to live up to everyone else’s standards.

Part of me is hanging on to it for dear life. It’s an old survival standard. But it feels rotten.

Seems like another battle is going on in me.

[subliminalguy]

I listened to Phoenix and Ascension Chamber during lunch. I’ve been impatient with my coworker today, and I began sensing my own issues being projected onto him.

Phoenix helped. I’m not acting all frumpy and dissatisfied now.

[subliminalguy]

Day 7
Rest day

I woke up realizing someone had disrespected me. Realized I’ve given the same treatment back. Realized I’ve been giving and receiving this same disrespect around for ages in any setting.

I don’t respect myself. I blame myself for some unidentified reason. I recoil away, fearing more pain of awareness. Fearing I’d see the truth and feel utterly helpless to change it.

It starts with me?

Yes. This is my reality. I create this. I treat myself poorly then get around others hoping someone will see and acknowledge something good in me.

I’ve lived like that for decades. Even setting myself up so people treat me poorly.

This has been how I’ve lived. How I live now.

Can I change? How? Not sure.

Also, why?