Day 18
Rest day
–I came here to write, and upon realizing I was going to use a mask, I became sad.
What I’m experiencing is a drifting into being honest with myself.
That’s worth celebrating.
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Synopsis: I did a single 15 minute loop of the new Primal yesterday. I didn’t expect this mindset change today. I’m usually pushing it down.
I had something peculiar happen during lunch. I wasn’t looking for it.
We stopped at a gas station for lunch. Since I felt frustrated by something (??), I took a nap first. I woke up 15 minutes later and went right into the store to get a drink. I still felt slightly annoyed, so I kind of turned off my emotions and went in. Being invisible was absolutely ok with me.
2 older women were running the counter. One looked at me with wide amazed eyes. I smiled and said hello, still wanting to be unseen.
I checked out with the other woman, and she opened a short conversation. I allowed it, but I noticed people were lining up behind me, so I pulled away kindly due to the line.
What’s strange is neither were attractive. But (strangely for me) I was looking for beauty in each of them. And I saw some. I don’t usually look at women like that.
It’s 5 hours later, and I’m still feeling that attraction towards women. None around now (still at work). But something’s awakening me.
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Day 19
LBFH now. Primal later
That slight headache and annoyance yesterday is still around this morning, so I chose LBFH to allow Primal and Phoenix to process more. I’ve thought those symptoms were from overload, as I’ve not done a 15 minute loop in many months. I’ll stick with 5 minute loops.
The annoyance, just like last Saturday, was the sub changing something in me. I’m seeing it as me having some recon, trying to whine myself out of change the sub is prompting.
Nice. The loop’s over, and I feel a slight freedom from that normal stress and anxiety. That’s from Primal 
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Day 20
Rest day
I’m feeling vulnerable so I’m gonna share.
I did 2 loops of LBFH yesterday instead of running Primal. Whenever I get into healing and stuff starts being scraped away, what I need to care for me is weak, scared, and bumbling. I didn’t have much love when I was younger, and I feel fake trying to act as if. I feel like a loud imposter.
I don’t have what I need when I need it.
I’ve been trying earn people’s love by me doing stuff --performing. That’s killing me inside.
I’m gonna focus on LBFH and Phoenix for now. Phoenix pulls down that bullshit, and LBFH adds in something I’m still learning about.
Primal, or any other exciting sub, is just MORE of me trying to earn love. It makes me look great, but I need to care for me, the one I’ve dissed repeatedly.
I also got a reply from Fire last night saying LBFH and Phoenix would do a lot of good.
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Something big showed itself today.
I’ve had an anger this morning, which has been happening daily. Thank God I’m on a route today, as I’ve burned off some steam.
I also felt like I had more control of my anger, which is new.
What hit me was the reason for my resentment: I expected my brother to protect me. That is what I’ve been stewing on, since I’ve thrown this same unspoken expectation onto my coworker this week. I’ve done the exact same with all male peers–and I have memories now knowing I did this 30 years back.
But that’s a root.
Every other day I’ll be mad, but will have to look for a reason. Not today
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Day 21
LBFH and Ascension Chamber this morning
I reread the reply from support, and Fire mentioned the original Love Bomb over LBFH. I’ve run LB, but only a few times. I found instant positive attention coming my way, and those memories stick with me.
I replied asking why he mentioned LB over LBFH, as I’m desiring to understand what he does.
I then found the LB v.2 thread, and found this. In short, the original LB doesn’t focus on everyone else like LBFH does. It’s more internally focused.
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I did Phoenix before leaving work. I did 5 minutes in the break room on ultrasonic, all while alone.
It’s over an hour later now. I’m really having a hard time believing in myself. I realize this because someone told me to trust myself. And I don’t.
I’m having this Phoenix-induced knowing that I’ve relied heavily on others growing up–and it’s a pattern Phoenix is pointing out. I hope it’s taking me somewhere, because it’s hard. I’m used to holding this denial shield up so I avoid life.
I’ve not trusted myself. I bend so easily when I feel vulnerable–because everyone else doesn’t want to really know my story–and it’s easier to join them vs. facing reality in (both my present and the past).
I’ve hidden every. single. day. from. this. I live in some fantasy most days. Phoenix points this out.
—I’m hoping BADLY that Ascension Chamber will show me something. It did that while on CFW. Because holding onto denial fucking sucks right now.
Edit:
This kind of sucks. It does EXTREMELY so.
But underneath all this SHIT is a free man LOOKING for a rope out. He’s LOOKING AND WANTING to CLIMB OUT OF THIS BULLSHIT I’VE REPEATEDLY BUILT UP.
THAT is a VERY GOOD THING
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Washout day 1
No harsh turmoil today. I’m becoming aware of how I’ll hold on to a feeling (sad, mad, glad) instead of facing what’s inside of me. I noticed it today when acting goofy with my coworker.
I didn’t really want to continue joking, but he did, and to hide the dissonance I felt, I “held on” to a glad feeling.
What I realized at the moment was I really wasn’t feeling what I was expressing. I also wasn’t bound to it. I had internal control.
It felt peaceful.
I had something happen twice today, and I’m wondering about it now. It’s about me empathizing with others. Phoenix brings this out in me, and I’ve seen it really show up a few times.
For our lunch break today, we stopped at a nearby Dairy Queen. I’ve been there many times myself, and me and my coworker came here last week on today’s route.
The cashier is an older woman, maybe 60’s, but not slowing down. In a word, I’d say she’s “tough”. Handles things quickly and can be blunt in a second.
Well, I approached her when it was my turn to order, and I could easily see her unspoken frustration. I told her my order quickly and had my wallet out already. I gave her ones since I had a lot from tips this week. But, they were all messy and misfolded, as I very rarely use cash for purchases. She began sorting out the bills I gave her, and seeing her frustration begged a question.
I asked her “how are YOU doing today?” I felt caring, and I let it out. She looked at me, seeing I really asked her, and she looked at me again and said “I’m getting pissed off actually, taking shit from customers”. I felt concern, and I know my face mirrored this. I didn’t have to say anything. My face showed I heard and felt her frustration. She seemed to drop her anger a moment, but I finished my order, and stepped back so others could order. I felt like I’d given some of myself to her, if only for seconds.
Then, I arrived home 30 minutes ago. My housemate was cooking something for himself, and he began sharing his day’s activities as soon as I walked in. I listened, remembering past impatience I’d experience quickly, but yet, I felt compelled to stay and listen, which I did for 15 minutes. I was listening for and tuned into how his experiences today affected him, and dang, I even came back out to get something from the kitchen, and I spent another 5 minutes listening.
I felt good today listening to both of them. I was even crying when I began writing this piece, because it touches me. Like I’m softening my “back OFF!” shield I hold up. Something’s giving.
I’ve spent a lot of time ignoring other people’s lives. This is touching me since…I’d not acknowledged it much. It just seemed so LOUD today.
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I also remembered how I’d treated my mom when she was alive. Hearing that woman share where she was at felt like a connection to…to how I might be able to reconnect with…women.
Yeah, this made me cry while writing. Protecting my heart has been how I’ve lived. This is so …weird. It’s healing.
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Washout day 2
I just took a slow, meditative walk while the sun was going down.
Today, I’m feeling and accepting something. I haven’t been thinking or dwelling on this. I’m reporting a possible shift from Phoenix, as these thoughts came while walking.
I realized that today I’m detaching, or wanting to detach, from things that make me afraid. While walking, I realized some things I use which I associate with fear.
- Coffee–when I’m afraid
- Sweets–same
- News–same
- Money worries–same
I’ve been so addicted to fear, even knowing the discomfort I feel when using one of the above.
Taking that walk helped. I stepped out of my worry for a while.
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Washout day 3
I woke up frumpy just now, but there’s a good change.
Very frequently, I’ll look for some old helpless feeling, some reminder that I’m stuck. I didn’t want to admit that.
But even for just a moment, I couldn’t retrieve that. That’s not normal for me.
Stuck has been normal. It’s been consistent in my life.
I feel like I’m on the edge of something I’ve never experienced before.
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Part of my denial–I said “everyone else doesn’t want to know my story”. That’s bullshit.
I’ve not wanted to know my own story.
That is the truth. Lying to myself never ends well for me.
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Considering Emperor again.
Working with a total waste today. I’ve wanted to tell him 10000 times to turn his music down. I put in earplugs for my own relief.
I’ve never considered myself powerful.
Damn. There’s this awareness that… I think he should protect me. The expectation, the growing want for him to show kindness.
The wait. The wait. The wait.
(I finally asked him to turn it down. He gave that defiant stare. Dumbass. And he did)
That wait turns to bitterness and blame. Me blaming people for ME not speaking up.
Lots of thoughts coming up. Flashes of Emperor successes. Little ones were huge to me.
Taking action is how I’ve made changes. Studying details of “how” never have. Lots of dreams with no action left me disempowered.
I fucking hate talking about shit without taking action. I used to hide there, thinking I couldn’t change much.
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Washout day 4
I decided yesterday, while still working, that I’d not allow this anymore. The 5 year old adult I worked with breaks any rule in place, both legally and personally, and I just ate it.
The manager had left before we got back to the yard, so I texted her. I said I’d give no details why (ie. I wouldn’t snitch), but I would not work with him anymore.
She said we’d talk in the morning. AAGGHH!! Men don’t try to “fix” relationships. This woman doesn’t get it. No debating, no making deals. NO!
I dislike such talks since she often just wants details–meaning using what I share against him.
It’ll be a very short conversation. She rehired the same guy who got fired from us for fighting another employee, so I won’t tolerate “playing nice” with this entitled child.
Stupid people get stupid results. I won’t work with him!
–I usually swallow this. Every time. Phoenix is changing something in me.
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Nothing I prepared for happened. I’m just with another guy today. No fuss
Washout day 5
Angry right now, actually. Not sub related, but it’s had a part.
When companies continually slow their workers down, and workers think it’s good, a total mindf*** is being used.
Less work
Less productivity
Same money
Why, oh why, would people think this is GOOD?
It reeks like socialist thinking, which takes everything we value away from us.
I’ve been questioning a lot lately, and this is fouling up the company I work for.
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Day 1
Phoenix last night
TWTP this morning
Not feeling too much this morning.
I think that’s good since a lot of past time has been spent in a fantasy world. I’ve been pulling myself away from that.
Amazing. Literally amazing to me.
I’ve not been reading the forum lately–it’s been used as a hideout world for me, trying to live through other people’s lives constantly.
So me not reading the forum lately has helped me not be in that hideout mentality.
I just read some journals, and I don’t like how I feel.
Fucking amazing. Wow.
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I noticed some awesome changes and experiences today. Some of it is Phoenix. Some is TWTP.
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This first one speak volumes to me. I shared this morning how I’ve been pulling away from fantasies. Well, I didn’t desire to go home right after work since I wanted quiet and peace, and my housemate has TV’s blaring constantly. I almost went to the library…um…until I thought about it. Libraries have always been used as a hideout for me. But a growing (and NEW) motivation is to face it. Nothing changes if I don’t change anything. I’ve never felt so committed to facing a challenge in my life. It’s not the biggest, but it is ONE THING. And Ill take that.
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I faced some mental recon today. It wasn’t emotional, and it didn’t distract me from my duties. I just realized I’m questioning things I normally don’t.
–Pride is one of them. I wondered first “am I too proud of myself? Am I being real, or am I just fooling myself?” and I also felt low and unappreciative of myself. Maybe…maybe I’m just finding truth vs. relying on lies to myself. A healthy balance
–I had another issue I was questioning. I’ll come back when I remember it.
Edit: I remembered it. I was doing a task today which required a bit of bodily agility and stretching and I LOVED it. The conflict? Our company avoids all bodily risks as much as possible–but I truly enjoyed it. I had this feeling come up saying “am I worth feeling good?” but it didn’t hit me harshly because I was succeeding in what I was doing. Sitting here now, I’m only feeling sad since—I’m hoping they (the higher-ups) will love me and accept me. Phoenix is at work. I’d not have thought of that connection otherwise I’ve relied on false beliefs so much of my life, and Phoenix is dismantling, tearing down, and sometimes blowing up old beliefs which diminish my self-worth. -
This is day 1 of using TWTP. I had a very obvious reaction by a cashier while waiting in line to pay for a drink. Like she looked at me and got flushed and jittery. Her eyes widened, saying she felt something in the air, and this happened while I waited on the guy in front of me. I’ve wondered about this aura of power given. (This is why I began questioning myself about pride, as I’ve usually shot low and perceived myself as low on the status totem pole.) But dang, I’d never witnessed that with my eyes. I’ve heard women respond vocally to my presence on Emperor years back, but this girl’s physical reaction wowwed ME.
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Throughout the day, I had a number of coworkers speak to me or call out to me. I felt trustworthy and honored to be honored by these men. This wasn’t weak status posturing on my part. People responded like I was truly worthy of their trust, and it helped me BELIEVE I WAS THAT PERSON. It felt good…nah, it felt absolutely WONDERFUL.
But the biggest change I’ve seen today is headfirst jump into small challenges when avoiding them is usually chosen. Kind of cool, I do say. 
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