I’m listening to LBFH ultrasonic now instead of Phoenix. Need to wind down before heading home. 12 hour day.
I just contacted a guy for a room he’s renting.
I have got to leave. I’m not wanted here, and the push is flipping loud. I walked in and was met with insults about the Christmas gathering. He began to spit up his hostility to me.
I listened for 20 seconds, and told him I’m going to bed. I turned and left while he was talking.
I have mixed feelings. But me staying is me disrespecting myself. I have to love me.
Edit: Loving myself, standing up for myself is a new thing. I’m kind of excited. Walking away from a person who’s not free himself is saying “This ain’t gonna work. Goodbye”
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Didn’t know what I wanted to say when I came here this morning . I almost imagined a made-up world.
Phoenix and LBFH are doing something strange in me. It’s undefined, not made-up and boxed up.
I often feel weak and afraid coming here. Actually, every time. Phoenix is rewriting understandings of mine, and I’ve held on to them, like they were my identity.
Phoenix checked me this morning, hours ago. I have identified with these beliefs. I’ve thought “that’s all I’ve got”. I’d cover over it with that made-up world–and that’s what life has been for many decades. I was afraid to try on other’s beliefs.
Not completely true. I did church for decades, and those beliefs open me up. I’m realizing I rarely owned those beliefs–since it involved a community. I’m honestly just seeing how I’ve been untrusting with people. With my heart.
That’s why I got into lying to myself and others. I wanted you to see me, but I really didn’t. I’d rather have stayed home. But to gain people’s trust I put on a front. I lied. Those lies hurt me more than anything. It’s because I identified with the lies since I was the only one who knew. Noone could challenge me. And as I’ve been growing in recent years, there’s been a terror of losing “me”, the made-up me.
This is why I’ve been back and forth with any growth. I’ve been holding on to this image of myself. That is what I’ve been stuck on.
Phoenix is helping me let it go.
I feel soft. Shed some tears while finishing that, and I’m feeling some hope.
Thank you for writing this @Fire.
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I’m all over the place emotionally today.
I’m writing to make myself aware of my thought processes. Lots of anger earlier. It’s still there.
I’m in control of myself. But no. I’m waiting to get it out somewhere
How could I handle this? (I feel like I’m learning something new in life)
My wondering: should I listen to Phoenix tonight, or wait?
I’m on my rest day, and today I’ve had a draw towards Phoenix. It’s activating in my brain and has been today, showing numerous times. I’m seeing in frequent activities how I want to be responsible in my life. For me. For others too, as avoiding others doesn’t make me feel masculine at all. It’s cowardice.
But it’s felt like it’s pulling me to own my responsibilities and not hide from them. Makes me want more.
It’s also incredibly non-stressful facing this. Stress leaves when I am responsible.
I feel like a young teen discovering possibilities in life now. 
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Day 14
Phoenix just now
I experienced that high yesterday, and I acknowledged Phoenix. I definitely felt it working.
But I didn’t give credit to LBFH. 2 days ago I listened to 2 loops of LBFH by itself.
I was choosing and looking out for things and experiences that made me feel good about myself. I felt so empowered by this. Incredibly so.
Also, the guy who I contacted about the room asked for my credit score. I’ve worked on my own before so I knew the drill.
He sent me a link, and it kept opening up junk sites. Nope. I remembered my bank account has a link, and I used it. Perfect. None of my info shows.
I sent a screenshot to him. He replied saying he could only use his link since it’s tied to the property.
Fuck no. No wonder the ad has been up for weeks. I’m looking for a place, and you want a kickback and my info’s sold for shit I’ll never buy?
No. Hell no. Deception is not good business.
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I’m listening to LBFH here before leaving work.
I’m becoming much more attentive to positive thoughts and feelings due to it.
This is a completely different mindset from what I usually drift towards. This is good.
I just sent in a ticket to support since I’m curious about a LBFH and Phoenix custom.
While I’m thinking about it, I’ll share an appreciation for LBFH which up until yesterday, I’ve never had. It really bloomed on me, and I’ve had a strong belief that Phoenix has been kicking some mental roadblocks out of the way which allowed it to activate so strongly.
I’ve also spent a shit ton of time trying to “understand” things in my life, and love is one focus I’ve had. I’m desiring this custom since I’m wanting to experience it, not pick through every detail of it. Yeah, the NSE in LBFH is really working in my own life. I desire to feed its growth.
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Day 16
2nd rest day
Loops tomorrow. Not sure which ones yet
I’m having this need for power to control my own world. Well, something like that. I’ve kept searching for a fantasy world today.
First, it was watching movies. But they are obviously “unfilled wants” when the movie’s over.
Then, it was me trying to focus on how I felt on different subliminals. Phoenix. PCC. Emperor. LBFH. I suddenly realized I just wanted to feel safe. In the past, hiding always gave me some illusion I was safe. And maybe Phoenix is showing me that. Old hideouts aren’t as effective as they used to be.
This may be recon talking, but are our fantasies of power (even over ourselves) just that–fantasies? Is maturity just finally seeing that all our common fantasies are that and no more? That they don’t have to “own” and run us anymore? That we really don’t need them anymore?
I may be a gettin a wee bit wiser on dis sub.
It just feels so surreal. I’ve always lived in this closed-off safe bubble, and I’ve been too scared to even consider how feeling or being safe could be a reality. And then came SC with healing subs.
And I paused writing for 15 seconds, and fear began rising up to crowd out that possible excitement from building. It’s a very paranoid and jumpy part of me asking “can this be real?” Him seeing “no” as his answer always shut him down.
Because that’s what I’m facing today in this recon episode. The struggle with letting go of that seems to be why I’ve kept “getting in my own way”. Fear has been normal. How would we live if…we didn’t have to…be scared all the time…?
Really? Really? How? WHY??!!
(Even “fucked up” is accepted if it provides some security!!!)
That’s the mind and logic of a traumatized child. Change always seemed threatening and dangerous.
(Phoenix is picking away)
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Day 17
Phoenix just now. LBFH later
I’m facing some fear writing. It comes up regularly. I’m trying to find out why.
I feel this scared kid in me attempting to not be seen. My mind went back to junior high, everybody outside the building, waiting for school to start so we could go inside.
Yeah. That’s it. That’s the time when my brother left home overnight, never returning back. That changed everything for me.
“Not be seen”. Gonna flesh that out, since I know I still do it. I’ve returned to this place on DR numerous times. I just was never forced to go deeper. I used distraction skills to avoid it.
I’m seeing sheets we had in our bedrooms. A brown forestry design. Leaves. Lots of leaves.
I didn’t want people–scratch that–I didn’t want myself to know how violated I felt. I felt unprotected.
My brother had raped me, and to this day I’ve never had a full recollection of the incident. Not that I’ve ever truly wanted this. But my life’s looped around protecting me from remembering it. I’d guess that every feeling of being “not safe” is tied to this. And I feel that regularly, a few times each week.
I’m feeling some fear, even seeing, in my mind’s eye, me distancing myself from the room. Even from the house.
I just felt at fault. Me and my brother were close. But I did allow treatment that wasn’t healthy. As I’ve been “feeling” my way through the house (in my mind), he was the only person I trusted.
I didn’t want to lose that. It was ripped from me.
Holy shit. Wow. Did I just see that?!
I imagined some pain flowing to me, all in the air, like waves of darker colors. It came right through me. What I then felt was me trying to hang on to this ungraspable force as it moved through me.
To feel like I had some control, who I was joined to it and I suddenly felt responsible for this pain flowing around.
I loved my brother and I wanted to preserve the good memories. I’ve tried to protect that relationship.
And it’s always been safer…to blame myself. I’ll quickly bow my head, assuming responsibility for things that happen at work (for example), even when I clearly have no fault in it.
I’ve felt responsible for this childhood incident happening. And I go there, again and again, mostly trying to enforce those beliefs that I was responsible. This isn’t really true. But it helps me avoid the pain.
I’m seeing my mind trying to duck and dodge now. I’ve been writing over 30 minutes so I’m going to pull off.
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Correction. I finally got up to get some coffee, and I noticed that same desperate fear telling me to avoid my housemate. He wasn’t in the rooms I traveled, but I was scared I’d see him.
I face this every day, even when leaving early for work.
Feeling vulnerable and unprotected has been a life norm for decades. I’ve usually had safer people around me though.
Did you think about stopping coffee consumption?
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I have many times in the past. I recognized even when I began trying it out (late 90’s) that it’d quickly distract me from my emotional state. I weaned off and tapered off many times.
And the realization that just surfaced is “it’s a link to many fantasies”, the very things I’ve used to avoid the fear and pain of trauma. Not that that’s good. It’s mostly been a tool to cope with the many emotions I’ve experienced.
…wow…gotta say something here. It just became evident.
In both recent and distant years past, me sharing, writing, or talking about past traumas was somehow…pointless…useless…making noise for no reason. I truly, truly believed I’d be stuck with this FOR LIFE. Too many traumatized people would echo this exact thing if asked.
I’m not actually sure what Phoenix is doing…but (just had sadness rise) it feels like it’s gracefully prying my fingers off of my past. I, subliminalguy, have been holding on to this shit for almost 40 years. I’ve felt too scared to try conscious tools to heal this. I’ve tried many. But I’ve jumped right into my own lane of travel hundreds of times, foiling any and all success. I’ve done that.
Phoenix is even challenging my thinking, my self fault-finding.
Changing it from “you’re unworthy since you failed here” to something closer to…
“you’re free. Let’s get you untied from all these useless chains and tie-downs so you can embrace it FULLY!”.
The action-taking drive in Phoenix is a lifesaver.
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I did New Primal as my 2nd loop today. 15 minutes. I felt that sense of adventure again (I had it last on Genesis). I’m letting it soak in.
I have no idea what to expect. And I’m completely ok with it.
Edit: I also got just a twinge of the freedom from rejection. I realized 20 minutes after listening that that fear has had me locked up emotionally almost every minute I’m afraid. I hope this works well with Phoenix.
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If you still want that productivity boost and alertness from caffeine, I highly suggest green tea as an alternative. Green tea has caffeine and l-theanine, the latter can help you with your nerves and stay calm while being focused. If you have bad associations with coffee, replacing it with another drink that gives you the benefits without the painful memories sounds like a great idea to me.
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Thanks @Beowulf. It wasn’t really the caffeine which brought on bad feelings and associations, it was more the Phoenixing of my memories which made me see some bad choices I made with it. I had those feelings I wrote of this morning before I had coffee.
And it’s been years since I’ve had green tea at home. I tried it, knowing it was a caffeine source, and it’s much milder than coffee, per my experience. That makes me remember all sorts of things I tried just so I’d find a “fix”. All store-bought stuff…some of this, some of that. I decided to just stick with coffee since I could find it anywhere.
Do you use green tea yourself for productivity and alertness? I’d like to hear how it benefits you.
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Oh my mistake then.
I’ve been on and off drinking green tea for a couple of years and recently I got back into it. I had a particularly demanding month where I needed to finish my work under a certain deadline and green tea kept me focused without feeling the jitteriness I get from drinking coffee. It helped a ton, which I’m grateful for. I’m also using it because I’ve read that it might help with dental/gum health, which I’ve been having issues with recently.
You can consider upping your intake to 2 - 3 cups. I like to think that it’s like using a vape if one is addicted to smoking, one could ease their way in though I have no personal experience of doing this myself.
Good luck running Phoenix. I ran it for one or two loops and I still felt the effects weeks afterwards. I have a feeling you can get some kind of breakthrough this time.
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It’s also helpful to add L-theanine to help balance it out if you don’t want to drink green tea.
It’s best to avoid using caffeine though. It’s one of the most potent drugs out there. Even small doses can disrupt your sleep, cause ups and downs in your adrenals, and lead to poor digestion, which can make you feel bad without even realizing it.
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I am having big and little breakthroughs on it. I’m also keep looking for how I can make this transition easier–meaning I actively am NOT trying to sabotage success.
Small wins mean the WORLD to me!
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