Day 7
Ascension this morning
Ascension must be kicking in. I’m tiring of writing to make people happy with me. I didn’t and wouldn’t write for that reason this morning.
Emotional independence. It’s beautiful to me.
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Day 8
Rest day
Regeneration last night
I woke up this morning, noticing something missing.
Some fear, some really familiar thought pattern, is missing. I’m not even sure what’s gone.
I haven’t expected such change. I’ll admit losing familiar defenses has scared me greatly.
I’ve even started crying while writing this (while listening to love songs). I’m allowing this.
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Day 9
Listening to LBFH now. Regeneration tonight
Fears of something big-time.
I have a doctor’s appointment today for work. I also made an appointment to take my test for my CDL permit. The test appointment is what I’m scared about. This is my core reason I’m on Regeneration right now. This absolutely scares the shit out of me.
Before I writing, I allowed my mind to go to where I’m afraid. Emotionally, I quickly went to a dark, confined place, filled with nothing but danger, fear, no movement, and no light. It was no hope alongside a painful belief that it was my fault. That I could…should fix it.
But I was a kid. Adults were supposed to care for me. What…what was going on? Mom?
This is where I picked up the belief that I was responsible for Mom. Every action was made to make her happy and proud of me. This was normal, I thought “she’ll love me if…”
And “if” never happened. I tried. I failed. As a highly empathic child, I owned her personal feelings of failure. And I had that as an identity badge. I just believed I would fail.
I’ve felt the same here on this forum. I’ve felt it in small recovery groups. I’ve felt it at work. And… anytime I’m around people. Instant thoughts emerge that “they don’t want to love me”. It keeps me from trying and engaging with people, where most people never know what really runs me.
Taking that test today absolutely puts that in my face. I’m not sure what I’ll do today.
I’ll give credit to Regeneration here. I’m actually giving thought to facing this without lies and bullshitting myself. That’s never happened before.
I actually went for my test. There’s 2 parts: General Knowledge and the air brakes endorsement.
First test: I failed it, and then took it again: I passed.
Second test: I failed the first time, then retook it: Failed again.
I failed the air brakes test years back, but after retaking it, I’d passed it then. The first test, for me, was mostly common sense questions. The air brakes test, just like years ago, had specific questions about pressures and adjustments, which I was only guessing at.
Considering I failed due to not studying (that’s the truth), I’m grateful I went. Failing was my fear, yes, but failing myself was what shook me this morning. Me trying was me wanting to rewrite some internal standard.
I even took a bathroom break between tests, and tears started rolling down my face. I was soft throughout this undertaking. And one of the receptionists said a nice goodbye when I left, telling me people notice when you’re trying.
Maybe I’ve allowed this old belief to have its way. Growing takes some effort.
I’m going back to my doctor 3 weeks from now. I’ll reschedule my air brakes test for that day as well.
Edit: test rescheduled
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I’ve been in fear of this pain within. I’ve tried watching a series, hoping to hide in some past successful escape. It was a farce.
I’m sad. As if huge restraints were removed. I don’t know how I should live.
I’m gonna nix that last line.
Living takes risk. It takes effort. I’ll get my heart broken once in a while. I’ll be corrected uncomfortably. But living defeated isn’t worth it. I’m just magnifying bad possibilities, nothing else.
I’m probably in recon.
Day 10
Rest day
I’m looking forward to this. I’m going to use the same strategy I used with DR, listening MWF, then having Saturday and Sunday off. It allowed DR to dig in more on the weekends, and execution was desirable many, many times.
I don’t think I wrote about that freedom I’d feel on DR often enough. And when I think about it, I actually know why. It’s the same reason I’m on Regeneration now.
I’d feel really good, basking in the internal freedom I was feeling. Yet it felt fragile, breakable even. I wasn’t in emotional distress, but I felt connections to unhealed traumas which DR hadn’t touched. I knew these were my holdups, so I kept my mouth shut about them and wrote about how I sensed changes in other areas of my life. And I could always find some.
I kept my mouth shut about the unhealed traumas since I’d played the victim role well for many years, both here and for years before SC. It’s a little boy mindset which I’m not proud of. That’s why I jumped on Chosen For Within for a period, as it has a strong focus on eliminating the victim mindset. CFW really helped with giving me a mindset to take more responsibility in my life.
I left this post for 15 minutes and pulled up my last CFW thread. Similar to DR, it worked wonderfully on a host of side issues, but its primary focus is not trauma resolution. From experience, it’s focus is living in truth NOW. It was the real-life bullshit checker. CFW helped me clearly see needed changes in my life. And it felt possible, a beautiful plus in any endeavor.
I will add something beautiful I just experienced. I got up to make coffee after reading my CFW thread, and I felt free. I walked into the kitchen, and I slowly began ruminating on old judgements I’ve had towards my housemate.
And my mind suddenly jumped to feeling safe again, remembering how living alone I sometimes felt safe and secure in my own skin. I was in that reality for maybe 30 seconds. It was heavenly.
I believe this Regeneration objective came out:
“Develop deep meditative skills that “click on” in moments of emotional turmoil, allowing you to self-soothe and self-heal with ease”
It was awesome 
Day 11
2nd rest day
I’m examining my thinking. I’m bothered.
I usually get up knowing I’ll not see my housemate on Sunday mornings. He was sitting and eating breakfast, running the TV in the kitchen. As is normal, he’s got propaganda opinions on (news actually, but everything is sensationalized to no end).
I made coffee, poured a cup, and left quickly.
I’m bothered. I don’t want to be around that shit. There’s no hope listening to it. My mom, when she was alive, listened to her TV constantly, even while sleeping.
Here’s why I’m bothered: the world and all its made up drama (through TV) received more attention than I ever did while growing up. I realized that was infinitely more important than I ever was. I was abandoned day in and day out for such made up bullshit. Mom abandoned me. That what stings and what is triggered living here.
I feel that pain and anger quickly being around my housemate since he’s always got the TV on. It comes to me instantly when entering the house after work since his normal volume allows neighbors to hear it. He’s pretty deaf.
I don’t have answers. Regeneration is opening this up, and that’s good.
I’ll also share I’ve been wondering and reading up on possible subs to support this growth.
I first looked into Sanguine: The Elixir. Confidence, calming, and healing in one. Nice choice.
And days later, I wondered about DRLD. I wasn’t sold initially, but as I read and reread the sales page, it’s much closer to where I want to go. Along with confidence and healing, it appears to have scripting that’s in Genesis specifically, which is calculated risk taking. I felt old pains resisting that while on Genesis, as unhealed traumas have suppressed my desires for growth most of my life.
But it also woke my heart up to possibilities. Things I’ve rarely considered. That calculated risk taking is still a major draw to me. I’m considering replacing Ascension tomorrow when I resume loops.
The mentality of “I CAN!” is exciting to me.
Edit: I forgot to mention the beauty of transmutation. I experienced that often on Genesis, and it was wonderful. DRLD has it too 
.
If there’s anything that clearly rings out in my life today, it’s feeling powerless. Maybe it’s old triggers this morning, maybe I’m just aware of it right now. But when I’m desiring distance and freedom from oppressive, controlling thinking, and I’m faced with it continually, I’ve sometimes actually surrendered internally, since abusers in my past demanded control. Yeah, this was triggered this morning
But I’m up and taking consistent actions to push out that offensive propaganda, even wearing earplugs now while I’m in my room. Me taking action helps free me.
Day 12
Sanguine the Elixir this morning
I almost ignored my intuition. Last night, I was wondering about listening to DRLD this morning (yeah, I wasn’t at peace). I passed on worrying about it, or at least, I tried.
I woke up this morning, considered DRLD again, and I just didn’t feel right about it.
What happened makes me cry now. I’ll share more in a minute on why. When I tried ignoring that inner feeling and loading up DRLD on my phone, I instantly got one of those mental zaps. A warning. It was my body saying “NO!!” I listened to it, and I loaded up SE instead. 5 minutes using a sleep timer. All good.
10 minutes later, lying in bed, I felt and heard this message from myself: It was “Protect me!!!” in such pained cries. I cried immediately.
I’m doing that in my life sometimes, ignoring warning signals about something or someone. I actually remembered a message in the Masterclass about not ignoring those signals, which is why I listened.
This hurts me. And I’ve not tried to change this. SE has a strong piece of LBFH in it, which attracted me too. I don’t really know what loving myself is. I thinking maybe…definitely…this has been blocked for a while. I am a student of this now.
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Trusting myself is definitely a barrier for me. SE might help me resolve this, help me to forgive myself, and ultimately allow me to heal.
SE is moving. I feel soft. Vulnerable.
I’m healing.
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Day 13
Rest day
SE yesterday morning
Regeneration and AC last night
Strange dreams of growth and change. I usually don’t remember that I even dreamed, so last night was nice. If I could, I’d close my eyes and go back.
Something else I’m experiencing this morning is from Regeneration:
“Obtain a sense of complete emotional freedom from societal constraints and ideas pushed upon you by others.”
I’ve bowed to this so often here and anywhere in real life. I’ve had a deep sense of shame which I identified with, and hiding behind a mask was the safest emotional choice so noone, myself included, would see me. Hiding became normal for me.
I woke up slightly uncomfortable as I habitually considered writing with a front up. I felt this defensive anger rise. Regeneration is tearing down old internal landmarks.
But it’s working with my injured self. It’s not beating my chest, pumping me up to fight back (another front). No, it’s working with what and who I am. This invites me to join in. I’ve never felt this freedom and relaxed desire to heal before. Like I’m actually directing the changes.
Feels incredible.
SE is definitely working on my negativity. My thinking is way more positive this morning.
I sense it in how I judge others. I’m seeing I also refrain from judging myself. This is amazing.
SE is incredible 
I’m in that spot (a lot today) of discounting good things. Like I’ve been denying some good things which have come my way, or things which I know are coming my way.
It’s likely just recon from SE, which focuses on eliminating my negativity.
I just felt unaccepting of such good things today. SE in the morning tomorrow. I actually look forward to it. I even fantasized about listening late tonight to be back in that feel-good mode.
Day 14
SE this morning
Regeneration just now
Honestly, I’ve been losing my normal ways emotionally.
What I’ve always used is increasingly not working.
Most of my walls are made by fear, and today I was seeing more and more that I’ve kept everyone out.
I’m actually trying to see through the walls, and today I wanted to be more loving to people. Seems like some were extremely nice to me.
It was a full day emotionally.
I feel vulnerable yet am being vague. Yeah. Vulnerable.
Day 15
Rest day
How do I do this? I’m wondering and writing, hoping to find an answer, so here goes.
I’m habitually used to avoiding major changes internally, and I’m afraid of something…and I just realized something while writing.
SE has success scripting. …I’ve wrestled with this when I was on Genesis. This, specifically, was why I actually why I restarted on DR again. I kept hitting this, and major fears would surface. I’ve had inner barriers (“blockades” would be more accurate) to being successful.
Also, this is why I’m on Regeneration now. I hoped to beat the crap out of this trauma. And Regeneration’s been relatively quiet. It hits stuff, it’s working on stuff now, but I don’t carry this full-time awareness it’s at work, unlike DR, which would often obviously work on related issues while I waited for it to tackle bigger issues.
I’m impatient. I’m feeling some anxiety about feeling some issues head-on…
I’m skittish since I’m unsure what’s being worked on. But “skittish” means something is being worked on NOW.
I think I’m going to ask a question on the forum to gain awareness of what I need to, or could, focus on. I feel like I want comfort–but I’m scared ****
-----And I just realized a fear.
I work with all guys, and in recent weeks (due to Regeneration) I’ve been wondering “where do I fit now?” I grew up taking the role as the follower, the submissive one, a weaker (than any male) kind of person. Either yesterday or today, I realized this old strong belief: I must defer all power or I’ll not be loved.
I’m wanting to open myself up to another male (like a “brother” figure), and heal me inside.
And today I had 2 separate incidents where I was around another male, and for seconds I imagined opening up and trusting again. —that’s when old fears jumped up quick and scared me back. Scared me away, as if saying “we’ll NEVER do that again”.
Yes. Fears of being abused and misused again. Old shit. Old fears. Regeneration is definitely at work.
I won’t ask on the forum. It seems that what I want and need to do is allow this to heal. It’ll hurt some, but facing it is more desirable than circling this indefinitely.
The first step: accepting my sadness and pain now, at this moment. Well, ideally. A moment at a time.
Edit: I thought SE had success scripting. I just searched the page and did not find it.
This means Regeneration is honing in on the same fear I’ve been circling and avoiding for eons. Wow.
Day 16
SE this morning
Regeneration tonight
I look forward to living without guilt and fear. I just read a religious text, and old memories flow. I sought freedom from that internal onslaught repeatedly in spiritual environments.
It was around 2015 when I actually realized those inner demons were not spiritual in nature. I began looking into hypnosis, which led me to subliminal hypnosis.
I’m here now, knowing I’ve had an old belief that I should be punished. I don’t want it, but that old belief hasn’t been torn down.
Yet.
Regeneration’s been busy. It’s tearing up stuff, big stuff, like old identities.
God, let this heal me.
Day 18
2nd rest day
Changes coming on. I want to say “how do I do this?” meaning feeling and acting at the same time. I’m so used to separating the two so I don’t act with feelings–possibly getting hurt or hurting someone else.
That’s a big change coming on. It’s allowed the dishonesty I’ve used so often. Like saying something just to sound acceptable and avoid my truth. Yet it makes me feel young and excited being honest with myself–I’ve been lying to myself a LONG time.
But being honest is something I’ve avoided–even when alone. I almost wrote “with others”, and realized that isn’t true. I’m alone most of the time at home, and I wrestle with myself, battling between feeling safe–or not. If I’m not feeling safe, I often retreat into a fantasy of some sort.
And giving an honest perspective, feeling safe has often been a fantasy for me. I’ve lived with these relational and personal fears my whole life. They’ve been my reality. Not other’s realities.
In my mind at this moment, I’m seeing myself in a swampy forest. I see myself, sensing I’m alone, which has been safe. And I’ve been stuck in a dangerous muck, all the way up to my knees, since it could take me down like quicksand. I view this as my reality, both fearing losing my “safe” stuckness, and not being able to understand or cope with being free. I’ve only imagined what free means.
To clarify that last line, I’ve lived like that my whole life. Being “free” is quite… not normal. Living behind masks and lies to myself has been normal.
I’m not going to end this post with feel-good dishonesty. I’m sad (saying goodbye to reinforced ways), scared, and even a little relieved, as feeling sad frees me up from hanging on to this.
I smiled to myself moments ago, seeing a predictable aftermath.
I wrote that 10 minutes ago, and what do you know–fear came in shaming and belittling me. In a mental move of avoidance, I heard myself ask “what the hell are you doing?”
It tries to make honesty feel dangerous.
SC says the subs will unfold our lives, and that’s happening.
I write trying hard to maintain a feeling of safety. About every single time.
And I usually drop that guard soon after I finish writing. I end up heavily avoiding known threats, mostly at home here. At work, I’ll put on a mask if I feel vulnerable.
The last two days, I’ve had very uncommon thoughts here at home. To avoid (something?), I’ve grown accustomed to people treating me like shit. Specifically, my housemate. I’ve grown a sense of how I should be treated, and 2ce today I realized I wanted to correct him swiftly. Talking down to me. Making condescending jabs.
I’m not okay with me hiding my truth–allowing him to be a dick.
Now, this is where I’ve fallen before. Me being honest means…
I might get hurt
I may lose my shit
No. That’s not why I freeze. Damn.
I always relied on my big brother to protect me. It was 40 years ago, and I’ve still lived in some fantasy that he’ll come and save me. That frail fantasy is the only thing I’ve hidden behind and hoped for when life gets tough.
And god, letting that go…means I’d be vulnerable?
Yes. I’ll be reliant on someone else. Me. Crying audibly now.
That’s why I’ve allowed myself to be weak.
That’s why I’ve avoided things, opportunities, or people I associated with pain.
It’s why 40 years later I still feel and act like a scared teenager.
I’ve waited on someone else to save me.
This is so strange. But it’s real. Change is here, for me.
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