Yesterday was hard.
Realizing what I realized about my girlfriend was hard.
Saying “Goodbye” to my grandma was hard. She’s on life support and should die Monday… so, yesterday at 10am I saw her for the last time.
2 hours after that, at noon, my mom and I were walking to lunch to talk about my grandma, but she fell when she was walking… totally shattered her hip. Turns out she had osteoperosis. It’s been less than 24 hours since then and she’s already had 2 surgeries. She won’t be able to walk for 6-12 months.
Then, later that day, my dad went to go visit her, and he FAINTED at the hospital… so I had to go and pick him up too.
I had to watch three people in the hospital yesterday… my grandma dying, my mom breaking her hip really badly, and then I had to pick my dad up from the hospital because they wouldn’t let him leave on his own, he had to get “admitted into my care.”
Top that all off… me and my girlfriend are trying to relax in the jacuzzi after taking my mom to ER, and some cute girl ends up joining the jacuzzi too, and my girlfriend gets super insecure. Tells me to “stop checking her out” when really all I’m thinking is “oh my god don’t look at her and make my gf think I’m checking her out.” Then we have this massive fight because I’m sick of that accusation every time she sees a girl SHE thinks is pretty… and while dealing with all this family shit, I start thinking about how much I don’t want to be with her, because I’m angry at her.
Then we have to pick my dad up from the hospital and again she makes it about her. I really thought to myself then “man I can’t be with this person.”
And I woke up today uncertain whether or not I want to be with her but SUPER PISSED off about how little support that I get from her when it matters most.
Regeneration’s Effects???
I was amazingly well-adjusted to the fact that my grandma was dying. I was staying in the present moment. I wasn’t thinking about how much I wanted her to stay, or how hard it would be to lose her… when I was with her, all I was doing was being with her. That feels like a big benefit. A combination of vipassana + regeneration. Regeneration made me very non-reactive.
I was also amazingly well-adjusted to the fact that my mom broke her hip. It’s scary, for sure. It bothers me more than my grandma dying because it’s so sudden, and she’s much closer to me, and we knew my grandma was going to die for a long time so it was expected.
But my girlfriend makes me so fucking angry. It’s a weird thing to be stoic about death but highly reactive about something as silly as a relationship.
Regeneration is continuing to have a nice healing effect. It’s bringing a lot of emotions to the surface. There is some recon. Whenever I feel a big emotion one day, I know that regeneration brought something up, and that the next time I listen to regeneration, that thing will be healed.
I’ve been listening to Regen 2x a week, Elixir 3x a week, and LEU 3x a week or so… I wanted the boost at work even though it wasn’t a major part of the plan.
Today, even though I had work to do, I decided to listen to Elixir instead, because it does have LEU-like effects for me… it’s easier to work when your work doesn’t make you anxious.
You have studied long and hard, and now wisdom is well within your sphere.