09:57 - July 14th
Hmm, my abdomen is still sore. My facial hair is growing on the right side, interesting! That never happened before.
Been changing my diet, limiting soda consumption and taking alternatives, such as ice tea.
It feels good, to work in myself.
Can’t believe it’s been two weeks since I began with my custom. I’m considering it in giving it a name, but I’m stumped!
07:45 - July 15th
Now my facial hair is growing on both sides now, not only in my chin. I feel confidant about myself, and look forward to what lies ahead.
I’m clean of porn and masturbation for more than two weeks, It was very difficult for me to reach two weeks before, now it’s easy. Although nowadays I get very aroused in the mornings, got to find me something I can redirect that energy.
Since this custom I bought it for long-term growth, I’ll see proper results in the social side in a month or so. Right now I’m taking my time and working for myself, in August/September I’ll be going outside more frequently, so there is when I’m gonna shine with Daredevil and the other modules.
Even so, Spartan who is taking the lead at the moment is fascinating, plus other modules like Inner Voice, I AM… Those are working to clean up all the negative beliefs, so it’s like I’m in a “healing phase” which I work out, take care of myself then after a month I can see more proper growth of my social skills.
10:15 - July 16th
Just spent a tedious night. Had to take me a warm shower to revive!
Now I’m good.
Let’s see, my beard is growing more on the right side, as long with the chin. The left side is way behind.
Shifting thoughts, and some faint feelings of self-loathing, but I managed to shut them.
Yesterday some of my body parts twitched weirdly, like brief muscle spasms, harmless.
My right thumb, right elbow and arm, and my left foot, all had involuntary contractions constantly during the day. Weird.
I tried drawing again, since I like it, but I can’t manage to draw like before, there is always some thoughts that this drawing is not good enough for me, so I take a break. Before I know, like a month passed. There is something preventing me from drawing as the way I prefer. Something that bothers me, but don’t know what exactly.
13:29 - July 18th
Been practicing drawing skills for the moment, I enjoyed it in a different manner.
These days I have been thinking and having moments of reflection, about what should be my approach for these months.
I’m working hard to do my exercise routine, it feels tedious to do so, but I’m still doing no matter what.
Facial hair still growing, it’s concentrated on my chin. Got me a haircut yesterday so I lost what was growing on my sides.
Meanwhile, I’ve been experiencing more moments where I feel in a good mood. Laughing and carefree. Plus, my social skills indeed have been improving! I could verify it yesterday. My social anxiety is reducing and I keep caring less for what about people think of me. Great progress so far.
Nothing different with Male Enhancement, it’s like someone pressed the pause button. Still, this take it’s due time, no need to rush it.
Some feelings of lust and arousal have been present, but it’s… different. Like in a good way, feels like natural and raw.
This is just 2-3 weeks, imagine a year!
Quick update - 19:49
Took a warm shower. Man, even after I shower the smell is STILL there, I don’t complain. Actually I do like that strong, musky scent.
Over 20 lbs of manliness up in this armpits!
Reflections, looks like I’m gonna go for either writing or drawing, I trust that Sultan module will help me with my artistic pursuits.
13:15 - July 20th
It’s been 20 days already.
Took myself this weekend to rest from my sub. My original plan was to push on, but my intuition told me to rest. So I did.
Today I feel different, a faint feeling of frustration, but it’s no big issue, really.
Nothing has changed with Male Enhancement for the moment, same measurement. I’m being a bit more comfortable with my body, however.
Either way, that didn’t stopped me from still working out, I’m still sore, ouch!
My legs, I noticed them different, they have more muscle. Awesome.
Rogue is still working, sometimes I have to control myself, and yesterday I felt inspired and a bit more outgoing.
Tonight I’ll play again my sub.
16:53 - July 21st
Big improvement on the social side, made many witty jokes in general, my sense of humor is improving too. I noticed some changes in my attitude. More in control and focused and been expressing myself more, without any fear to do so.
No changes in my facial hair, neither in my face. It’s been days since I last messaged with my friends, I’m just not in mood to talk to them, really. Plus, I’m more comfortable on my own.
Besides, there is one interesting thing to mention. These days I’m feeling more in tune with my body, it’s weird to say, but I feel like I’m not suppressing my sexual side. Even tho it’s been almost 23-24 days of complete abstinence, I feel arousal and desire, but in a nice way, feels natural.
Basically, I’m feeling more attractive and don’t feel any shame whatsoever. No more repressing that side of myself. I’m comfortable in expressing my aura.
It would be interesting to see how it would look on a social gathering, be either how others see me and maybe even flirting, but since I’m not in the mood for doing that, I’ll stick with working out, drawing and stuff.
Forgot to mention something else, since I’m taking a break from studies, I have lots of free time. I’m wondering what would you suggest I could do not only to avoid boredom, but to do something productive since nothing will interfere.
Be either hobbies or spiritual practices, anything goes, I’m interested in your suggestions.
09:17 am - July 22nd
Despite mentioning that I wasn’t in the mood for talking, yesterday I spent a good time sending dumb stuff and joking with one of my friends. It was excellent, there’s been a change indeed. Not only in sense of humor, but also more witty jokes and overall in control of the situation. My overall opinion of my classmates has switched.
I’m liking this type of change. In frame, chilled, determined. It’s a nice change from my past self.
Beard isn’t growing at the moment.
Now, I don’t know what happened, but this morning in the mirror I noticed that my eyebrows changed, to the way I like them! It’s a different position than before.
08:18 am - July 23rd
Woke up irritated. After almost a whole month, got myself a release. At least it was way different and without falling into the old habits.
Not in the best of moods, may take the rest of this day, so to reduce this feelings I’ll go with Sanguine.
Pretty much I wonder if someone aside from myself read these entries…
07:11 -July 24th
So I was listening to some music the night before, when I finished I didn’t turned off the loop option. Spent all night listening to my sub by accident. (7-8 loops!!!) It was… actually got nightmares.
The main focus in the dreams was my older brother.
We actually get along in awesome way, but it took some years and constant misunderstandings and problems to reach that bond. Many of them involving some traumas that didn’t knew until now that really made an impact in my personality and attitude.
I thought, that if I ever reached dreams like this I thought it was going to appear my father, but it was my brother. Weird, I still feel the weakness, and scared feelings inside the dream, those are very similar at how I felt when I was way younger and got screamed, and scolded.
This is some powerful stuff, even when I am aware what is this audio is capable off.
Update:
It’s been hours after that freaking nightmare. I’m not my usual self. It’s a interesting feeling, it’s not disappointment, neither anger, neither sadness. It’s hard to put into words, but basically is it that I’m accepting those past experiences?
Neither it’s happiness or euphoria, maybe it’s the shock? Like being in a numb state, but a small sensation of comfort. Is it that I’m accepting my past mistakes and traumas? Was I repressing those emotions and experiences and I didn’t knew?
I’m pretty much aware I can’t change the past, but revisiting moments like that, is still painful and scary.
My playful mood is gone, with my boldness. Like if someone pushed the pause button.
It’s been a long way, from a small kid to almost an adult. Many ugly moments, but also pleasant ones.
Still, it was painful to toughen up, I won’t deny it. But it was for the best.
Since I spent all night with so many loops, do I need to take a full rest day? Maybe two? Or I can listen again, but with the usual loops?
Take I day off, it can’t hurt, and the extra space will be good for processing
I’ve done something similar by accident and I couldn’t function, after a day off, I was back to normal and better.
08:23 - July 25th
Mild feelings of frustration and disappointment. So much things I want to do, but don’t exactly know what is holding me back.
Don’t know if it’s age, but I’m gonna take a day off to plan how can I reach those levels. Today’s a break day, for the best.
At least I think I really know what I’ll go for, writing and drawing. Best abilities I have, plus I like them a lot.
No changes down there, neither face features and body.
Small update:
Those feelings are gone now. Made a list which include the steps I can take in order to execute the sub.
Even wrote myself a goal I must reach, I didn’t made that before.
This moment, it felt like it was necessary. Now I have a big, important goal I can take, also with other small actions.
18:34 - July 27th
Oh man, my personal scent changed, it is now more uh, manly. Those pheromones are good stuff, seem to be working properly.
My personality’s back at last, although I’m a bit lazy at the moment. Still, I’m doing some things here and there. Got myself more compliments when interacting in social situations.
I’m still working on my own personal development. So it’s going to be a while until I find myself surrounded by different people.
12:42 - July 29th
Something is wrong here, it’s been more and more common days when I feel bad, incapable and just plain frustrated. This is another of those days.
Don’t know what exactly is stopping me, but it’s aggravating and annoying. I just don’t know why I’m not motivated to do stuff, and it doesn’t end. It’s a horrible loop.
There’s also a new weird feeling, basically it is daunting that I just realized I’m pretty much alone on this journey of mine. Nobody is motivating me to reach higher. (In my inner circles)
Then more thoughts arrive “Nobody will give a shit about your goals” “You pretty much need to do this alone”.
Maybe I’m not doing enough? Maybe it’s not the right time to use this?
Something I’m doing wrong, yet I don’t know what. What’s stopping me?
Where’s all the motivation? Willpower?
Sounds like it could be some intense reconciliation-possibly from the I AM module,
that is part of Khan Total Breakdown-so it may be causing something similar.
Also are you putting pressure on yourself for taking certain actions your not taking, or not clear
on where to act?
Those are the two things the demotivate me-when I’m not clear where to put my energy, or I put so much pressure and judgement on myself, and need to do/have something to be ok, that it just doesn’t feel good anymore and I avoid.
Lastly -in my experience-motivation follows action not the other way around-jumping in the cold water is always the hardest part.
Thank you, now the frustration subsided.
As much as it feels tedious, done some exercising. It was a week ago last time I broke a sweat and maybe that was the culprit? It was like a furious workout, driven by anger but will to change.
Fortunately, I feel chilled. Not exactly joyful or happy, but neither angry or sad. It’s like a faint accomplished feeling. A fair mood, which is better than before.
Looks like I’m pushing myself a lot, and indeed, I’m not so sure on how to act on certain aspects.
Right now I’m gonna chill a bit, still taking action but not in a demanding way, at least for the time being.
I see lots of progress. It comes in waves.