AzrielLight EmperorQ

Journals - Major Programs
#1496

well when I first started taking breaks I had anxiety about it, and got initial recon

then when I started taking consistent 2 day breaks I noticed my results got better, like much better on days off. The longest break I took in a year before this was 3 days I think, and my results and sense of subs got strong and more integrated.

On this break starting day 2 I felt total fade in ‘results’ , my thinking becoming very negative, I did notice my character and way of conducting myself stayed extremely strong in retrospect, but I felt off in every way possible in the moment. I now feel a more permanent change after integrating.

4 Likes
#1497

Today I run two loops of Emperor custom. Running DR stage 2 now. It seems to go a lot deeper than my custom DR, which has two other cores and 17 modules, and causes less recon.

I notice results and effects became noticeably stronger on the second loop of Emperor today.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen this so acutely.

I think I’m returning to a period when I can bump the loops up. Whether naturalizing tech, stack size, or custom density I’ve been noticing a slow and steady trickle when it comes to growth with the odd leap hear and there but not like I’m in a different world, which I’ve felt earlier on, and with certain subs- Stark/Khan tests, and Emperor Q solo.

After two loops of the same sub about 4 hours apart I felt in total Emperor mode. Primal doesn’t do enough to tip the Emperor scale into desire for social engagement, but it adds a nice ease and freedom socially and sexually on top of Emperor, it’s very flowing and grounded to the hyper-masculine Emperor push/drive. I can see the defensiveness of PCC- not as in being defensive-but it’s always calculating/vigilant while being totally relaxed.

PCC and even Primal together have given me a kind of ‘niceness’ that smoothed over certain things, but I’m a bit over maintaining social niceties again, I’ve been dealing with fear of conflict the last month, and I’m now comfortable to stand where I stand without aggression or conflict and be ok with whatever outcome.

I have all seeing and eagle eye in my wealth custom and running that alongside PCC, it’s like people are an open book, it’s hilarious. I can see the behavior they are attempting to represent and the incongruous intention behind it.

My initial assessment is that most woman appear much more authentic than men in my day to day.

Guy’s are all posturing, playing power games, either trying to win people over, how they care less, or have something to prove. This could be something I’m bringing on with Emperor/Primal combo.

Running DR stage 2 I feels like I am returning to my best sense of self health and mental wise. It’s really cool. It’s like this cynical, hopeless husk I’ve developed for bullshit certainty and safety is falling off and being replaced with a natural more healthy and unknowing certainty in myself and life.

Today marks 1 year since the start of my journal and 1 year on Emperor either in V4, Q, or custom core!!!

I said I’d do it, and I did it. And I’ll go two more months with it as a core alongside RM.

5 Likes
#1498

Yes. I’ve seen this from time to time. Most guys are just cool and nice towards me. However when I’ve gotten this posturing, it’s almost like they’re speaking ancient Egyptian. I just look at them and have little or no reaction to what they are saying or doing. It seems so alien I can’t relate to it.

For me the pervading feeling is that a lot is just gone.

It’s like a forest that’s leveled after a big forest fire.

I think something is rebuilding. I just don’t know what.

Would you please elaborate on what this is?

1 Like
#1499

just more like being a kid again but as an adult, like a space where I don’t have the answers but am not worried about uncertainty-it doesn’t even factor in-there’s just a trust and confidence in myself and life.

I go into this space more and more lately this week. It’s in and out but I’m enjoying it.

1 Like
#1500

Ran wealth custom with Medici last night after DR stage 2 no subs today-another break day

Great day at the zoo, doing some photography and video of the animals.
Free roaming peacocks were all over the place-one jumped from a 3 story building and glided down.
It looked like a colorful batman-I didn’t know they could do that.

Then small get together at night around a fire pit, great times and fun convo with friends.

Felt very little incentive about the future or anything. When I’m working I’m working and feeling total drive for that. But on days off and in generally this week push and interest in my own business/ventures is at an all time low and just caring about being in a good mind space and enjoying life is priority. I don’t objectively like this but I’m letting it happen. I can feel certain desires building up again now that I’m on even ground. Will commit to adding small structures to start building new pathways though, so my actions aren’t determined by mood/disposition.

5 Likes
#1501

Thank you for elaborating. It makes more sense.

#1502

Is RM still affecting you making you a bit apathetic?

#1503

I’m not running it currently, I only did a couple test loops one week a lil bit back.

The recon on it had me crash and being extremely apathetic at points, but I was mixing it in heavy stack.

In retrospect it was a bit manic-depressive in the non clinical sense

Are you experiencing a bit of apathy from it?

1 Like
#1504

It seems to me RM makes me apathetic too. I feel I just wanted to devote my time to leisure entirely and do only what I like doing, everything (activities) else is of little value to me. Maybe it’s because running it along with DR though. DR had affected me a bit that way before I started running RM. Besides, it may be caused by the density of my current stack. I’ll keep running RM for some time anyway but if it lasted for too long (also after I’m done with the Dragon) I’ll probably give up on it.

1 Like
#1505

Could be density or DR. I noticed RM did give me some insane motivation with certain things and resistance to other things-mostly work related-before I crashed and got apathetic. I define apathy as a lack of motivation for anything. I still would have 6 or so amazing hours on it, where I had a certain kind of motivation and confidence for many things I usually don’t.

3 Likes
#1506

So it’s not severe here. I’ll keep reporting on my experiences with RM in my journal.

1 Like
#1507

Wish i was 33 again :slight_smile:

Many happy returns for the day.

2 Likes
#1508

1/2 way through running Wealth custom today HOM/EOG Stage 1/ R.I.C.H. Ultimate core
I got an email for renting my space out for the day for $3000 from an old acquaintance who does photo stuff. I’d say that’s a wealth manifestation.

5 Likes
#1509

@TheBoxingScientist - thanks brother- I didn’t recognize you with the tiger for a second.

#1510

I don’t know if my chromebook speakers aren’t up to snuff, or senheiser is just that much more powerful but I ran 1 loop of my custom on senheiser today. And it has me questioning whether I’ve even been running subliminals lol. Not really but it’s not that it’s just more powerful, lately I’ve been constantly struggling with internal anger, challenges, feeling like I don’t have the power to do x,y,z it’s a back and forth- a tug of war in my mind, I still notice distinct differences with the subliminals but after one run on this it was like ZERO tug of war-total Emperor/Primal mode. I may extend my DR 2 run two more weeks with V2 and headphones or higher quality speakers. This could also have to do with breaking through reconciliation.

1 Like
#1511

I can’t prove it but I think headphones might provide better results than speakers because the headphones reduce ambient sounds and put the script right into your ears.

1 Like
#1512

Laptop speakers are pretty close together.headphones tend to have better stereo seperation so its possible

2 Likes
#1513

Thanks for the post and reference!

#1514

@Meng123 thanks for this, very useful. Do you by any chance have a recommendation on high quality non blue tooth speaker/monitors for a laptop that could also be good for Ultima?

#1515

Hmm,im not sure but saint recommended monoprice to you before

https://www.monoprice.com/product?p_id=625880

2 Likes