Thanks Brother 
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so, does that mean your birthday is March 17? (Not sure what day it was for you when you wrote that.)
Happy 33rd, @Azriel!
You’re doing splendidly.
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It’s today Thank you
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Happy birthday brother!!! 
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Thanks 
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Happy Birthday man
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Happy Birthday!
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Congratulations !
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I love that. Thank you @Lion
Your aura of love and RM eloquence has shined through even in your birthday wishes
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Haha! Nice catch, bro
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So during my 5 days off subs
I went on a road trip for a couple nights out of the city.
Some old dynamics become present with brother and friends and more alcohol than I drank in the last year combined. Some nights were great, moments of the trip were magical, but I had an a bit of an existential crisis on the third day in.
I felt incredible ill, physical symptoms that I’ve been struggling with came on really struggling, I felt guilt for being unhappy in a ‘great’ situation, anxiety of work that was looming over my head etc… it was the first time I let social convention and not rocking the boat go against my deeper instincts for so long and the reaction I end up having was very intense.
this led to the next few days I was feeling incredibly depressed, I felt totally powerless, hopeless, like I didn’t want to go on, that existence itself was unbearable, I was crying spontaneously throughout the days as I felt such regret and loss, and the level of brokenness I was at-emotionally and what I perceived as physically. In retrospect I also thing this was DR stage 2 digging very deep.
I started questioning everything I had been experiencing from subs seemed gone in a couple days off-again in retrospect I see this was obviously just reconciliation as a lot of processing came up at the same time as a stressful time and unhealthy living. I also saw that the programming/ or the push aspect of subs seemed to diminish if I acted in conscious opposition to what I knew were elements of the subs intentions/goals, and this also contributed to certain emotional turmoil. I won’t go into the details but suffice to say lessons learned on many levels.
I still had some perspective so new I needed to start shifting into taking care of myself and dealing with things and quickly got back on track yesterday and today.
I’ve been feeling this has been one of the best years of my life, and then coming around to birthday, so much stuff came up and came too light. I put an unreasonable amount of pressure on myself, and every year I wish for certain things and to make certain things happen. And for the last 10 years not much has changed. I’m happy to say this year a lot of things I had always wished for and wanted to make happen have indeed come to pass and now that this latest episode has past I can say I feel closer to my next vision and more confident in reaching it then ever.
This was BY FAR the most difficult experience I’ve had since starting at SubClub, and it may sound dramatic, but I feel like I was wrestling for my life or soul/ metaphorically on some level.
I also realize it really doesn’t work to spend extended unwanted time around people if I don’t want to while on Emperor. I’ve had this experience before where I feel very trapped and if I fight it, I start dissociating.
I feel much back to my best self now and am running a a light version of my stack where I’ll break again Saturday. I will be incorporating much more rest days moving forward. I may do it intuitively, but certainly two a week.
What I see now was I had made this event a destination, rather than just a celebration on my path.
I will start DR Stage 3 on April 1st and run that and then Stage 4 for a month.
I’ll run a custom Emperor/RM/PS or just RM starting April 1st with my wealth custom until the end of DR 2 months from now.
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You have truly survived a Dragon ritual rite of passage!
I would encourage you to bookmark this post, as I think it is a milestone. You could read it when you feel down or have doubts.
In a sense you went on a hero’s journey during those 5 days. Welcome back as a new and improved @Azriel!
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I do feel I’ve survived a rite of passage indeed.
Today was first full day back
Emperor custom/ Wealth custom/ DR stage 2 store program-not custom
Felt fantastic. Back on the productivity train, crushed down some new projects and I feel the next level of simultaneous new levels of engagement at work with detachment from investing my identity or excess energy into it.
I’m taking an online course finding career/ living from my deeper passion and truth, and while I jumped on it just to be in the spirit of investing in my development and a new platform of action, I am pleasantly surprised with how much I enjoy it and am getting out of it.
spending some great time with my mom as well. I really value getting to be around people I’m close with and being in an ebb and flow of engagement and then doing my own work/thing and them doing there’s. I hate social situations that demand engagement, unless I’m leading an event.
Great mix of work and relaxation. Really digging Machine Action/ Machine Rest in Wealth custom.
Also decided to take up rock climbing, I’ll sign up for a gym next week. I went a couple times with my brother recently, and it’s crazy how different and difficult it is compared to other physical activities which I tend to excel at. So I love the challenge of it, it’ll help me get rid of certain fears around pushing myself and my limits, there is a technical, strategic, mental, and precision element which intertwines with the physical effort of it, like Jiu-Jitsu-which I can’t do in a Covid world currently, so this seems like the next best thing.
Lastly I love learning to relax and be clear in a tense or heightened intensity situations and not going to lie…the woman there are almost all insanely attractive and fun. Already met a few super easily on my visit days.
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It seems that after break days you grow even more when you back on your stack again.
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Yes! I feel totally refreshed and able to take in subs fully again.
I feel the effects stronger and more clearly, as well as a sense of what will work for me best, when, and how much.
Also over the last week-I felt like I was on a bad drug trip- dying and disintegrating, health, identity, mind even and I feel back together, knowing myself deeper, and stronger than ever.
I’m gaining a faith in something deeper than circumstance and even internal experience. I don’t mean that as a religious or even spiritual thing, but in some kind of way.
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I know exactly what you mean…the more break days I take the deeper the changes feel.
During this break did you notice a fade in results? Or did you feel more permanent change after the integration took place
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