Well, as great as its been, it’s taken another turn.
The roller coaster of evolution goes on.
Dealing with some really tough recon.
I feel I’ve been a bit hopeless lately, DR must be digging deep. But more than that-this may be the addition of EOG stage 1 in my wealth custom or even just Emperor, as Emperor and I don’t get along as well as we use too lol. It’s also my final day before rest for the week, as I’ve switched to Tuesday and Wednesdays off.
I see all my habits have gone out the window, morning pages, meditation, self curriculum.
I was so excited and happy about life and subs-and mid August I started to deal with some really difficult health issues. I learned things in life and how to be and handle myself in ways I never would have had I not had those trials (I don’t believe they were sub manifestations at all, I think it was just life and subs helped me navigate it). I had to get a brain tumor ruled out due to symptoms I had, and faced the very real, at least at the time, possibility of what that could mean.
From August to January, I was really grappling with that whole world and I see in retrospect I went from pure performance mode to passive growth mode. DR, along with other actions and practices I’ve taken on it, these last three months has done wonders to pull me into a better state of health, mentally, spiritually, and physically. But I’m not really in performance mode anymore still and the ‘baby’ of wonder, excited and possibility seemed to get thrown out with the veritable bath water.
It feels in this moment that I’ll never get back there, where I was just acting freely and consistently on what mattered and towards what mattered.
On my Stark tests I got glimpses of this but it came with it’s own re-emergence of insecurities.
It seems one day I’m on top of the world, and the next I’m barely managing, this is likely DR as it really does bring up everything. This may be due to the strength of my customs/stack. I look back in July and I was running 10 loops a day on average.
Looking back down, there has been a ton of internal growth, I don’t think or operate the same way remotely but what DR definitely seems to be contributing to some apathy. It started doing this in stage 1 and it has started in stage 2, it might be time to move to stage 3 early. Perhaps this is a mechanism to know when to move on.
In any case, I’m taking everything I say with a grain of salt, but wanted to get some journaling out for the alchemical process
My big take away(s) are
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I need an end in mind-an end for this phase-like for real -and I need an end goal for that phase
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It’s not ok to keep questioning my stack and being inconsistent, it’s not working- I don’t get the results I am really looking for when I keep testing excessively. I still get progress-but I don’t get the experience I am looking for
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I need a new long term end goal, a vision, something I am fighting for and putting my energy in. The irony of this is that I’m clearer than I’ve ever been, but I need to write out, create, and presence myself to something that excites me with where I am going with all this.
I will post an answer to number 1-end goal of this phase- DR phase 2-3 months from now in a post soon.