Ascension for broken person

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Hello,

I am making a journal to track my progress. And to vent. I want to start by listing out everything I dislike about myself and life. If excess negativity and self hatred is not allowed here mods are free to delete this. Will limit my swearing.

The following is from a question thread I asked

Simply put, I am a broken person and I know it. I have depression and have had it since I was a child. I am taking medication but it does the bare minimum of keeping me functional enough to hold a job. A job that doesn’t pay me enough to move out so I live with my parents at 25 yrs old. I hate them for giving birth to me and they hate me in return. I spend a lot of time hating myself too. I am overweight and have terrible self- image. I have tried therapy too but all the psychiatrists do is just blankly nod at you and offer useless suggestions while raking in the cash. I have no friends and the only social interactions I get are at work. They are nice enough but I know everyone just puts on a front to facilitate getting the job done, not because they really like me or anything. The only thing I really don’t want to do is kill myself (i wonder if thats the meds talking), I do want to get better but I just can’t make any kind of plan or even understand how to begin fixing myself.

To add some more info:

my mom is an untreated schizophrenic and my childhood was filled with a lot of fighting parents as well as my mom just completely losing her shit in public. On a daily basis for the last 15 years (I’m 25) she’s been blaming me and others in the family, almost daily, of working with some shadow organization that’s out to stalk her, record her and other bullshit.Cops have been called on us a few times because of her. Dad didn’t play much role in my life aside from making money, and now that his kids are grown he just fucks around with other women and plays golf while my mom is in her own world. I think he’s a beta male and there’s nothing to learn from him anyways, the guy agreed to a fucking arranged marriage with a woman who clearly needed mental health treatment, not a husband but what the fuck do I know about my fucked up ethnic culture.

Absolutely no friends, I had two in high school and now one is off his rocker sending people death threats online every so often, other is out of the country for several years.

Work, is ok aside from the fact that I have a crush on a married woman, I mean seriously I’m convinced that I am mentally disabled. Not intellectually (maybe a little) but emotionally and socially. I mean, what the fuck kind of ADULT, let alone MAN is fucking out here with a childish CRUSH on some woman that’s unattainable and a fucking coworker at that? I know that this is entirely because I have no social life outside of work but how in the fuck do I even start to build one with no pre existing connect or whatever shit you need?

Overweight, no muscle, I’m scared of going to the gym and looking like an idiot, too stuck in my head, can’t find any motivation at all to do any workout, don’t know where the fuck to start with that. 5’4 (fun! So cool, but what the fuck can you do about dogshit inbred genetics) and 161lb, I’ve gone down from 170 this month by fasting and some diet improvements but the exercise is just impossible to want to do.

The Ascension sub definitely has its work cut out for it. Day 1

11 Likes
#2

We all start somewhere. The good news is you can only go up from here. You’ve laid out all the negatives and reasons for your situation.

Now, what are your goals? What are some positives in your life?

You’re not alone in your trauma and in your struggles.

I’m 5’4 too btw, lol shit sucks but it’s nothing we can change outside of running “Emperor height inducer” module in customs or running Emperor fitness title.

The only thing you need to do is be open minded, attribute any positive change to the subs (according to @Lion) this reinforces script execution and a compound effect from the subs.

Keep moving forward.

And start doing bodyweight exercises at home and walking until you feel confident enough to use a gym. Always move forward, no matter how small a step.

5 Likes
#3

A lot of guys (and gals) get that kind of thing. You aren’t alone and it’s nothing to feel bad about. Attraction happens. What you should do is try to figure out what it is about her that you like. That could give you some insight into yourself, and what you should be looking for in a woman when that time comes.
As to going to the gym. Often you’ll find that there are a lot of people there who are in the same boat you are, and a lot of those who aren’t are willing to help.

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#5

Go join a gym and a boxing club. You’re at point of your life where your metabolism is still high. You’ll lose weight fast and gain muscles just as fast. Take it from a former martial artist : it is a great way to build self confidence. Don’t think. Just do it. Do it this week.

Another reason to join a boxing club. You’ll make friends there. Or start going to social events. You need to put yourself in situation where the sub can help you.

Crushing on some unattainable woman? We’ve all done that. Most guys simply just don’t talk about it though.

Another reason to join a gym or a martial arts class. In your case I say you need both.
You can also join a dance class. Hip hop dance or something like that. I already know you’re going to say you can’t dance. The purpose is to learn how to dance and build your self confidence. You’ll be so far out of your comfort zone that you’ll have no other choice than building self confidence. Unless you choose to run away.

Dude! Seriously stop judging your dad. You know nothing about his life or the things we went through. You actually have no idea what his path in life has been. Worry about yourself instead.
You have a king way to go to build your own beautiful life. You just started the journey. Stay focused.

6 Likes
#6

Just want to mention that I was in a similar position to you (in regards to family life, financial position, mental state, physical health) before I ever ran a subliminal. 14 months later and I’m a completely different individual. Put in the work and everything will come. Continuing to wallow in self-pity will do nothing for you.

Edit: Want to mention that a big reason for this change was me starting Muay Thai, so I second @ksub: join a boxing/fighting gym, like yesterday. Nowhere near as intimidating as a weightlifting gym.

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#7

I appreciate everyone’s advice but it isn’t anything I haven’t read on hundreds of other self-help forums. I don’t mean any offense to anyone.

I’m just wondering, will (with time) this sub help me to heed that kind of advice and do something about it, or are it’s effects nothing as overt as that? In other words, I know all this advice, I heard it for as long as I’ve been on the internet, but I’ve never done anything about it. Is Ascension supposed to give me the push to actually follow that advice?

2 Likes
#8

From my experience Ascension is the perfect subliminal for this — it always gave strong confidence, outstanding character, and helped me to become an individual living fully in his power.

I felt like the past versions instantly turned my world upside down the ZP version to me feels smoother, and more of a long-term but permanent experience. I’d say give it a few months and you’d surely be a changed person…

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#9

I actually a few days ago changed Emperor for Ascension. Emperor seemed to me as too big an animal to be tamed for now.

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#10

The subs wont do much if YOU don’t take action. You have some great advice from ksub; I started boxing and after 2 years I was calling it my second home. I spent weekends with people there, I met, helped and got help from lawyers, doctors, taxi drivers, kids I met there.

You mention you read self help. that’s good, but what did you do with that? reading about stuff wont get you where you want. Small steps: joining a boxing club is easy, dont overthink it and plan what will happen after: only objective is to enlist and take a first class. YOU CAN DO IT MAN!!!

3 Likes
#11

Eventually it will .

But you have to take initation .

Read this post from one of the founder -

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#12

Going to respond more in depth later. You’ve got a lot to unpack from the sounds of it. You’re not broken, you just didn’t get your needs met as a child. But I understand that feeling because a lot of people want to point the finger at you and say “well that’s really no excuse, you can’t blame things on your parents”.

Ascension can be a tricky one. It certainly has the potential to pull you out of all this. But it’s all about how you respond to it. Sometimes another approach is needed.

3 Likes
#13

Day 4

I feel a bit more grounded. I don’t know if it’s because my mood swings tend to come and go and are “gone” right now or if it’s the sub. But for the sake of not stonewalling myself, I will say that it is the sub.

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#15

And there’s a reason why you’ve seen it hundreds of times: because it fucking works.

Like @lovage said, you have to act. That’s all it takes.

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#16

Day 11

This week I’ve gotten an opportunity to get trained on something new at work and I jumped on it, and I feel a lot better learning something new than just stagnating with the same tasks. Maybe the sub created the opportunity and the action I had to take was just to go along with it.

9 Likes
#17

I feel I’m getting a better grip on some habits like my diet (intermittent fasting 18:6, some carb reduction and counting calories), and nofap (cut out the porn a while ago but not the fap), On maybe a week streak now.

Day 16

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#18

On washout

I am quite happy with ascension. Earlier this year I ran 3 cycles of Wanted and had nothing to show for it except a ton of recon leading to that rant in the first post.

Meanwhile ascension seems very light with just occasional bits of recon, and I’m getting results. I’m maintaining my nofap and diet (lost 2 more pounds in ~2wks), doing pretty good at zoning out my parents useless nagging ( my untreated schizo mom has even gotten out of the house to stay with my brother for a few days and it’s doing wonders for my peace of mind. And she doesn’t bother him because he doesn’t have time for her shit and she knows that.), giving less of a shit about the married crush at work ,she shows me signs of interest here and there (which is funny to watch) but we know where we stand so that’s that.

I’m eyeing primal. The “going in deep” vibe seems cool. I’m getting a taste of that from ascension, especially at work where I am learning thing just by going in and doing them, then learning from mistakes and obviously wasting a bit more company resources than normal, but that’s really not a problem when working for a greedy corporation. But I’m going to give ascension 1-2 more cycle solo to get the most of it.

7 Likes
#19

Starting cycle 2 day 1. Definitely felt some stuff during washout (like being more on top of stuff to get done). Also this may sound dumb but I brought my first clothing article myself. My parents have brought almost all my clothes up to this point. Always buying me decent quality but suboptimal shit that was only on sale so almost all my clothing was baggy and ugly because that was all that my parents were willing to buy, not spend the extra for something else more expensive but actually fit me or a color that worked on me.I finally brought some jeans that fit me, not giving a fuck about how many coupons I could stack and still paying an acceptable price for it.

I wore it the next day, and it made me feel great actually. I’ve never walked without extra material on my pants flopping around.

Starting cycle 2 today.

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#20

Is it ok to skip a listening day? This is day 3 and I feel a little weird, I can’t tell if it’s recon or something else. Would it be beneficial or not to just skip day 3 and continue on 5 with listening?

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#21

There is nothing wrong with skipping a listening day or doing a longer washout. :slight_smile:

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#22

It’s not just okay. It’s good.

Skip away.

That 15 minutes of sub listening continues to work for many days afterwards.

2 Likes