I am making a journal to track my progress. And to vent. I want to start by listing out everything I dislike about myself and life. If excess negativity and self hatred is not allowed here mods are free to delete this. Will limit my swearing.
The following is from a question thread I asked
Simply put, I am a broken person and I know it. I have depression and have had it since I was a child. I am taking medication but it does the bare minimum of keeping me functional enough to hold a job. A job that doesn’t pay me enough to move out so I live with my parents at 25 yrs old. I hate them for giving birth to me and they hate me in return. I spend a lot of time hating myself too. I am overweight and have terrible self- image. I have tried therapy too but all the psychiatrists do is just blankly nod at you and offer useless suggestions while raking in the cash. I have no friends and the only social interactions I get are at work. They are nice enough but I know everyone just puts on a front to facilitate getting the job done, not because they really like me or anything. The only thing I really don’t want to do is kill myself (i wonder if thats the meds talking), I do want to get better but I just can’t make any kind of plan or even understand how to begin fixing myself.
To add some more info:
my mom is an untreated schizophrenic and my childhood was filled with a lot of fighting parents as well as my mom just completely losing her shit in public. On a daily basis for the last 15 years (I’m 25) she’s been blaming me and others in the family, almost daily, of working with some shadow organization that’s out to stalk her, record her and other bullshit.Cops have been called on us a few times because of her. Dad didn’t play much role in my life aside from making money, and now that his kids are grown he just fucks around with other women and plays golf while my mom is in her own world. I think he’s a beta male and there’s nothing to learn from him anyways, the guy agreed to a fucking arranged marriage with a woman who clearly needed mental health treatment, not a husband but what the fuck do I know about my fucked up ethnic culture.
Absolutely no friends, I had two in high school and now one is off his rocker sending people death threats online every so often, other is out of the country for several years.
Work, is ok aside from the fact that I have a crush on a married woman, I mean seriously I’m convinced that I am mentally disabled. Not intellectually (maybe a little) but emotionally and socially. I mean, what the fuck kind of ADULT, let alone MAN is fucking out here with a childish CRUSH on some woman that’s unattainable and a fucking coworker at that? I know that this is entirely because I have no social life outside of work but how in the fuck do I even start to build one with no pre existing connect or whatever shit you need?
Overweight, no muscle, I’m scared of going to the gym and looking like an idiot, too stuck in my head, can’t find any motivation at all to do any workout, don’t know where the fuck to start with that. 5’4 (fun! So cool, but what the fuck can you do about dogshit inbred genetics) and 161lb, I’ve gone down from 170 this month by fasting and some diet improvements but the exercise is just impossible to want to do.
The Ascension sub definitely has its work cut out for it. Day 1