Day 3 - 1 loop (19th May 2022)
Listened to 1 loop. Wasnt avoiding it like on day 1. Listened and had to adjust volume up and down a few times during. I find a little louder works rather than a little quieter.
I browsed youtube and messaged whilst I just let the sub play into my ears, after which I then spoke to a girl im chatting to and fell asleep, though that wasnt until 2-3hrs after. Couldnt sleep, too awake and possibly not cool enough as UK is getting warmer now, more than usual.
Had dreams yet, I remember that the dreams were related to my university and degree. They were of me being in a work environment, internship sort of position, without any fear or concerns whilst there. I almost didnt seem to take it seriously (not a good real life way to behave I know haha but it was a dream). I dont remember most of the dream except that I felt fine to good during it.
I woke after 7hrs sleep, exhausted!
Rest of the day pretty uneventful. Got angry or frustrated with sister quickly to the point that my self talk in my mind was ‘i hate living at home and cant wait to move out and get away from everyone’
This isnt something I want nor something I should be saying or believe but I get angry and I lose it inside.
The reason for the anger was because sister spoke down to me ordering to do something. I dont like being told what to do in that way.
Besides that I dont seem to feel anything else negative in the day, nothing to report really. Im restless and board of watching tv, never seems to be anything good to watch. Ended up watching some old cartoon we have on our streaming service which is a timepass however I then for some reason had the urge to watch The Magnificent Seven (the recent one starring Denzel Washington).
Why this movie? I just wanted to get to a scene where they first all come together against the villain of the movie but other than that no idea. Its not lost on me that its a testosterone filled movie, based around Alpha Men.
Is this significant, a coincidence or am i trying to make it so?, no idea but im journaling it anyway and Ill continue with the movie after posting this update.
Also during a conversation with sister, she said once I move out (it was a nice convo, my anger to her lasted 20seconds at most lol) which im planning to hopefully in 2-3months, hence hoping this sub works at my core to get me ready by then to get moving into action (action that im unable to get into here living in the family home with many many people) how long will it take me to get working. I did say that I have to unpack so much from storage and that alone will take 1-2months, long story to get into here or to post openly online but it wont be a small affair thats for sure after which I have other goals I MUST address and deal with before even looking for work and she agreed and then said so what 6months, and I said possibly though less is the aim.
However I wont lie, saying 6months felt like a pressure off my head and that pressure is purely based on fear of my image (weight, hairloss etc) as well as fear of my ignorance (lack of knowledge for my job/career - hence why studying is a goal of mine).
ok think im done - tomorrow no loop.
Thank you