Day 47 of 60 - 1 loop I THINK ( Saturday- 2nd July 2022) - 2nd Cycle started - day 21
Firstly I cannot remember at all if I listened or not. I have no idea and I REALLY hope it doesn’t cause any big issues for me.
Ok so I had a dream.
I think in the dream I was learning that those with small waists/hips naturally, have less fat around the body/waist and those with larger obviously have a larger fatter frame. Somehow I dont know for sure but it was is I felt that I have smaller waist so the LARGE amount of fat around my frame will be easier to lose and thus give me the V-Shaped male body, that of large shoulders and smaller waist.
Then the dream that I remember is that I was at uni and I walked all the way from Uni to my student apartment which is weird as I didnt have one but anyway that distance would be only possible with a taxi or tram but I walked it easily and got there easily.
Once I got there as I went towards my apartment door, I was in the hallway of my student halls (again I dont recall having this at the uni im dreaming of) and some girls came out of the shower room and into their doors but I saw their backs and they had no feelings of covering themselves with a towel. Sadly I saw no tits/breasts lmao but they were naked behind as they simply held their towels and walked in giggling. I felt nonchalant about it as if oh well another day at the office kind of thing.
Then I went into my apartment and forgotten the rest.
Spoke to my friend who I mentioned came to my town to work in the industry we both went uni for and he told me some scary stories of how it will be a challenge but not impossible for us since we literally know very little as the uni we went to and the way we were taught was shit to be frank.
Anway as I listened I distanced myself to the fear as I always do knowing im home and safe.
I seem to be more easily triggered it seems still as mentioned before too.
I think also im becoming less motivated and more lazy. Sure im fantasising and dreaming of moving out and doing all the things I want to with the hope I will and that I will not procrastinate but being home and eating and not able to focus on my goals has made me fatter and lazier. Im not sleeping enough or the times I should nor doing the things I need to or want to but thats just the world im in at the moment. Perhaps im not becoming lazy but i feel I rather sit and chill than get up as its effort.
Other than this if I have missed a day of listening its now the last day of the 2nd cycle and if I havent then my 2nd cycle has reached its end with the 5 days washout beginning.
My thoughts:
Since starting this sub my first ever from this place, ive followed 2 of the 3 rules. I listen and I journal. I don’t take action however as you read from my post yesterday or the day before I realised though im not taking daily focused planned actions i am still taking action.
What i mean by this is that im not sure writing a to-do list or a list of action steps to take daily however I am doing the things I can at least do such as:
-
I do journal here every day even when ive felt tired or its been too late, i havent stopped this at all.
-
I focus daily at speaking to my team on the voluntary social club we have basically made for all around the world that ive mentioned and as the team leader I check in every night after writing my journal here and repsonding to them.
-
Chores around the house or tasks im to do for the family when im asked to though at times im arguing and fighting against some if im put down or feel disrespected so making it harder to start.
All of these above actions arent necessary planned on paper or scheduled they are simply done.
All of these actions (before the journalling of course) I was doing anyway before I started listening to the sub.
All of these actions for me are easy, are not mentally too challenging or taxing and when the team hobby (#2) is demanding my mental energy its not really anything but fun anyway as its a hobby that I enjoy and a hobby is how I see it though its offering a great service to a few around the world.
So has the sub helped or changed me so far in anyway?
Well what I can say is that I personally felt more in cycle 1 if it was the sub than I ever did in cycle 2. I havent felt I was even listening to a sub in cycle 2, it felt rather non-existent to me.
In cycle 1 what I may have felt as more confidence or inner strength - perhaps - may have been the sub or what i falsely called ‘placebo’ in that perhaps the desire and will for the sub to work got me to focus on things that may or may not have been naturally present anyway and not the sub.
The actions I have listed above that I have been taking have all been those that come from a fearless position not one of fear or angst or insecurities. These are actions I do easily without a sub anyway and are enjoyable or not at all causing me any fears. So basically nothing to do with the sub.
Has the sub so far worked therefore on any fear, any insecurities and any anxieties, well no I dont feel it has at all after 2 cycles.
That is my sad but honest assessment of the experience so far.
However Fire did say that I listen for a little longer which I aim to do and for me that means endlessly to be honest as I have nothing else to lose or do.
As mentioned in the previous posts I will listen until either I see it is changing me for the better or once I move out, and why once I move out?
The reason is because then I MUST start on my goals and my 2 biggest areas of real concern and worry are procrastination and studying/learning.
I need to tackle these and I feel that then I may have to add on some other subs but im reluctant to spend any more money until I can say yes this is working. I mean why spend money if you arent getting results, its a foolish man that throws money away right?
Oh and the only thing I have become aware of in cycle 2 is that im more triggered and restless and impatient with family. That isnt anything new though, this is always the case when im back home with family and so again I cannot simply say this is recon or the sub as its not anything that doesnt happen to me and hasnt happened to me - but im mentioning it as I hoped maybe the sub worked on alphaness such as resilence and patience to negative words and energy perhaps.
Anyway thats all for now guys.
