Ascended Mogul + Ultimate Artist

Journals - Major Programs
#181

Soooo, I just finished watching the new Joker movie and it basically triggered an ongoing reconciliation of my own. I’ve always felt the need to see the best in people, despite how they may act. But I’ve come to realize that easily opens me up to manipulation if I’m not careful. My boundaries aren’t good enough and that’s my fault. Instead of hardening up and taking a me vs them mentality, I feel like it’s important to disconnect from these people without anger or resentment. At the end of the day I don’t want to be one of those bitter cynical people that just automatically assumes people are out there to fuck you over or manipulate you.

Where I went wrong in the past was excusing behavior and taking the abuse. Then I went to full blown anger and ready to fight at a moments notice and be hostile. Then I realized these are human beings, each with their own situations and stories, yes they might exhibit shitty behavior but so long as I can take control of the situation and resolve the conflict for myself there’s no need for excessive anger. There’s nothing wrong with being nice, it’s when you’re nice and allow people to step all over you. Niceness was never the problem, it was the lack of boundaries and self respect. And ideally I should reach a place where the actions of others don’t impact me because I have a security in knowing who I am. My goal now is to be non-reactive to the shit people can throw my way at times vs hanging onto every word or action and tying excess meaning to it. As a conscious being I’m free to interpret these events in any way I want, not just the one that elicits a strong emotional response from me.

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#182

Being able to set proper boundaries is a powerful skill that commands respect. It will serve you well and does not take long to learn :slight_smile:

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#183

I had a very similar experience a few months ago, wrote about it here. Basically I met a guy I thought will be my friend, then I found out he planned to scam me. I think he actually doesnt know that he is scamming people up to this day lol.
What I have learned is that it is a great strength to see good in people. Like a child, that doesnt know good and evil and assumes everything and everyone is good.
But the greatest strength is to know about the bad things man is capapble of and still see the good core in him.

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#184

Picked up reading a book about self compassion again. After reading it a bit I realized some of my goals were misguided and stemmed from a “I’m not good enough and I need to be better place”. My inner turmoil regarding change was because I was trying to change for external validation, so it felt wrong. It’s not about destroying my former identity and rebuilding from scratch. It’s about improvement, it’s about taking what’s there and making it even better. Acknowledging my strengths and working on my weaknesses. A lot of my efforts to change have failed because I wasn’t actually changing core level stuff, I was just putting on another mask to hide who I really am.

Truth be told I fear being compassionate to myself. I fear it because I’ve put ridiculous expectations on myself and made my self worth conditional upon those. By embracing self compassion, those expectations disappear but simultaneously triggers the fear “now I’ll never be good enough because I’m letting go of these things”. I think it’s important that before you go after goals or achievements in life you really should question why you want that in the first place. If it stems from validation, you’ll never be happy because you’ll be looking in the wrong place to correct the root cause. I’m not saying don’t go for big things, I just think it’s really important to have it be in alignment with yourself. I think this is the core mindset of an abundance mentality. Having inner fulfillment and recognizing outside things are a nice addition to your life, but not being a slave to them.

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#185

I think I might pick up alchemist in the future. As I’ve grown on AM, I’m starting to see the reason my goals in life don’t align with others as much is because I have a desire for understanding life itself and all the things that go on behind the scenes vs the stage so to speak. But I’m committing to AM and UA until I can move through life with the ease I desire. When I can say with firm conviction that I’ve hit the goals of both these programs, I’ll move on.

I think there’s a careful balance between the spiritual and physical. Some are solely attached to the material and others are so spiritual they seek to escape. I’m going to use AM and UA to ensure I’m grounded and alchemist in the future when I have the security to explore beyond. I don’t think I’ve had enough “training” so to speak in the physical realm of everything. When I was younger I was too focused on esoteric concepts and failed to realize that life is meant to be experienced. I sought that escape, I criticized the world vs embracing it and exploring all it had to offer.

When growing up someone always mentioned I was “wise beyond my years” or an “old soul”. But I’ve come to realize the real knowledge I was meant to collect and understand was the experience of life itself and what it has to offer.

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#186

Very relatable. Btw. I just notice it is AM you are using, not Emperor. Man, from the reports here I can only imagine how hard the reconciliation process on Emperor would be for you. Well, depends, some notice it more, some less. Have you ever considered using Emperor alongside Alchemist in the future or even Khan?

#187

Yes, it’s definitely in the plans to run Khan or Emperor in the future. But I told myself before I do so I have to build a strong foundation for myself. I know myself well enough that I’m nowhere near where I need to be to handle Khan or Emperor. And even in the future I probably wouldn’t mix it with Alchemist, far too much input for me.

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#188

Quoting myself here for a note to my self. This is reconciliation and I’m gonna break it down to show how sneaky it is.

  1. think it’s important that before you go after goals or achievements in life you really should question why you want that in the first place.

Procrastination, fear. Let’s spend more time trying to “figure out” and less time doing. Taking extra precautions to make sure this path is the correct one. A great way to never fully commit to the actual desires you have.

  1. If it stems from validation, you’ll never be happy because you’ll be looking in the wrong place to correct the root cause

Aka, throwing out a goal or internal desire under the assumption that MAYBE it stems from validation. And even if something does stem from validation if it pushes you along the path it’s not necessarily bad if the end goal brings you more happiness and fulfillment. This is not a black and white scenario. Great triumphs have been made under emotional distress and needs. Utilizing those desires in a healthy way to obtain the goals. Along with this is an acceptance of being human and having wants and needs. Not feeling shame for those things.

  1. I’m not saying don’t go for big things, I just think it’s really important to have it be in alignment with yourself.

The question is, how can you know if something is in alignment vs avoided out of fear? You can’t really until you experience that thing and determine it’s not for you. The excuse of “well money is nice but I don’t really need it”. BS. If I was given the opportunity to make money with ease, if anyone was they wouldn’t turn it down. The reason it’s cast aside as unnecessary in my head is to resolve the cognitive dissonance of feeling I’m not capable of doing it and simultaneously avoid failure under a convenient assumption that doesn’t point the blame on me.

4.I think this is the core mindset of an abundance mentality. Having inner fulfillment and recognizing outside things are a nice addition to your life, but not being a slave to them.

Let me limit myself and then convince myself it’s for the greater good of my happiness. There is truth into not tying excess importance to outside things. But if you can’t get those things even if you try, then it’s just preemptive self sabotage as a way to avoid failure.

Putting my foot down on all this and calling out my own BS. From now on no more overthinking the goals of AM. I chose it, I’m running it, I want what it can do for me. Anything other than that is mental gymnastics to avoid change.

It hit me today that I suppress my desires. I suppress my emotions. I suppress my state of being. I’ve spent so much time trying to be some authentic version of myself and failed to realize I already am. By merely existing I am my authentic self because I am me. And any desire that flows from me is an extension of that authentic self. So if I desire change, the most authentic thing I can do is follow that calling and experience that change. Even if that means flipping my life upside down completely and drastically altering my behavior. There should be no fear in that because there is nothing wrong with it. Life is about choice, this entire reality is about choosing experiences, not rolling over and accepting less than I deserve.

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#189

Going with the flow, rather than questioning where the flow goes, why this particular flow… Nice breakthrough.

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#190

I’m finding myself dipping in and out of strong emotions. Moments of weakness and doubt, then strength, then back to weakness. When I try to soldier on and disregard those feelings of weakness it manifests as an inner tension. As if I’m physically holding back the emotions. Still have bad habits of doing that apparently.

They say successful people have the ability to hold two opposing views in their head at the same time and compare them. What’s more polarizing than weaknesses and strengths? My strengths don’t negate my weaknesses and my weaknesses don’t nullify my strengths. So often in the past I’d feel as if any weakness I had was automatically a sign of failure.

Lots of lessons to be learned about how I frame everything in my head. Most of all my frequent black and white thinking.

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#191

Never have I felt so much anger in my entire life. But it’s cathartic. I’m one of those people that considered anger “bad”. My guess is because I grew up with a father that would frequently get angry and fly off the handle, I told myself to never be that way. But it’s not like I had mastery over my anger or I was zen and peaceful. It just festered inside me and I ignored what was making me angry. It wasn’t healthy in any way.

Coming to terms with the fact I’m allowed to be angry. At the people who take advantage of me. At the stupid way most of us are told to live our lives. But it’s not anger like a temper or outburst or angry behavior, it’s just the feeling inside me. Just knowing it isn’t “bad” to be this way and feel this and use it.

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#192

Awesome insight. I was just discussing this with my girlfriend the other night. She has a tendency to allow things to build up inside her because she doesn’t want to “get angry” with people that are wronging her. I told her that anger shaming is just a societal control – if you don’t get angry, they can get away with whatever nonsense they want to pull. Anger as a response to injustice is completely justified.

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Finding my True North
#193

It’s amazing how something so natural and normal for us as humans can be distorted and used against us. And this was just one thing that’s come to my awareness completely. Makes me wonder how much else is hiding from me and I can’t see it yet.

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#194

whew. just caught up on your journal. am also INFP. almost two decades older than you.

I think you’re brilliant.

From my point of view, you’re asking and exploring really important questions and directions. The trouble (again from my point of view) is that you’re highly identified with those questions. So as your mind explores them through different possibilities, you feel your whole world going way up and crashing down, as on a roller coaster.

That’s a lot for me to say from just reading black lines on a white screen, and so take it with a grain of salt. It’s an impression. I’m aware that I don’t know 99 percent of your experience. I’m just using the content, texture, and rhythm of your ideas as a kind of means to intuit what might be happening underneath.

Anyway, as far as the identification thing, it’s human to do that. Most of us (including myself) do it to some extent. Anxiety intensifies identification. Identification also intensifies anxiety. It’s just a natural thing.

Physical exercise. Physical movement through space. (Going down a slide or riding downhill). Dealing with animals and children. Vocalizing (singing, chanting, yelling). These can all help to loosen things up. I guess there are probably hundreds of other ways.

But in general, balancing out that intellectual, observer point-of-view, with in-process, here-and-now things. Decentering the narratives for a little while…and then getting back to the narratives (because they have their place and importance). But just not letting them always dominate.

Anyway, I can really relate to your journey. And here I am, on mine. Working on my own processes and identifications, and so on.

It goes on…

Thanks for so evocatively sharing your process. You seem to be moving into an interesting place right now. This last thing you said about anger. And then Saint’s response to it. I think it’s a ‘thing’.

It’s like the flow of your narrative and intellectualization is a river. Protean, shape-shifting, amorphous, and arbitrary; but also really compelling because of how quickly and powerfully it moves. But now, you’re solidifying and you’re starting to touch the ground of the river bed underneath the water. Those grounding feelings that can gradually help you to contextualize your narratives. You’ll be able to stand your ground at times. You’ll have your anchor points. The waters surge around and past you, but you won’t get carried away so much as you connect to those anchor points in you.

To me, it’s less about changing into a new person, and more about connecting to those untapped powers that are already within you.

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#195

Thanks for taking the time to read my long winded journey lol. Yeah you’re pretty much spot on with everything. Making music was supposed to be my here and now activity, but that also started getting into the whole overanalyzing thing. I have to start working out again, I know how beneficial exercise was for me in the past.

I’ve always been very stuck in my head. But I appreciate the advice, a lot of what you’ve stated rings true for me. Now to not think about overthinking lol

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#196

In case I didn’t really make it clear, I highly relate.

I’m paraphrasing, but:

There was a Buddhist meditator who successfully attained awakening, the goal of practice.

Curious to know just what he had achieved, someone asked him if he had gained any super powers.

He said, ‘Mainly one really….’

‘What is it?’

He replied, ‘The power to not believe in my thoughts’

…

I’m personally not a big fan of the’ over-thinking’ or ‘over-analyzing’ labels. If your right :muscle:t5: biceps is super-developed and your left biceps is weak, I’d say the next step is not to work on weakening your right arm, but to start strengthening your left.

Rather than focusing on your ’over-thinking’ how about working with your ‘under-doing’?

In my case, I literally had to tell myself: there are two types of questions that I need to separate. Thinking questions and Doing questions. Thinking questions need to be answered by thinking; doing questions by doing. My tendency is to address both types of questions by thinking because that is my comfort zone. But that gets me trapped in narrative loops, so I need to be really careful about discerning the difference.

Anyway that’s my own experience, yours will probably be unique to you.

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#197

Thanks. Yeah I’ve noticed INFPs almost have very similar struggles, sometimes it really does take another INFP to “get” it. I like the bicep analogy it makes a lot of sense. I also tend to stick to my comfort zone and don’t push that doing thinking enough.

Strengthening my doing questions is definitely the next step. It’s been coming together for me. These subs have helped me balance it out. I think there’s definitely a fear component as to why I spent a lot of time analyzing vs action. I’m the same way with my music, it’s like I try to make sure I know enough before I move forward. But I put myself in a loop of holding off the actual doing. Thanks again, the advice is much appreciated.

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#198

Man fucking pissed today. I was so tired all day, then my job tired me out more, then I got home and struggled to work on music. I hate this cycle. Where I use up all my energy on something I don’t care about and then I don’t have any for what I actually want to do. I legit fell asleep while trying to listen critically and figure out where I wanted to go in the song.

But I equally hate calling it a night because it feels like I wasted a day. I don’t know why this is so damn difficult for me. There are people out there working even more demanding full time jobs and they’ve put out albums of music.

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#199

I have next to 0 tolerance for anything lately. I had to work on this Bill Of Lading at my job recently and I’m just fucking IT, I don’t know anything about shipping procedures or whatever. They wanted a unified document between the companies and NOBODY fucking talked to each other. Then they asked me for an update. Update? On what? Nobody gave me any indication something was wrong in the testing phase. They wanted this shit, not me. So why do I have to hunt them down, call, nag over email just so I don’t look bad when the thing doesn’t get off the ground. The amount of crap that gets pushed off to my department just because we have good troubleshooting skills is retarded. It’s like a game of not it, it’s fucking ridiculous. I feel like I’m being gaslighted by myself because for the longest time I couldn’t even admit that shit was fucked here.

Having got that rant out of my system, I’m tired of this job. I’m tired of being expected to know shit that’s outside of the scope of my job description. Honestly between going hard on the subs, focusing on my music, and dealing with the stupid shit almost every day I have no mental energy to give to anything besides my immediate responsibilities at this job.

I’m also tired of feeling like I need to hold onto jobs and being afraid of moving on to something else. I’ve been at this one too long. Life’s too short to waste my time. What I really want is to just have the confidence to jump from job to job, not owing anyone anything, not being afraid of never being hired again. As of right now I feel like shit. I wish life was more like a game for me vs a series of anxiety provoking scenarios. Just being able to say fuck it and do what I want. I’ve never been able to do that and I still fucking can’t and it pisses me off to no end. Because I just feel like a prisoner in my own mind. It doesn’t matter if I left this job and found a new one, I’d still be in the same boat if I don’t correct my mental state on everything.

I guess that’s what’s been seriously depressing me lately. I know nothing out there is going to make me happier because what makes me unhappy in the first place is how powerless I feel to everyone and everything around me. That’s what I want to change, not my situation. And that’s what I’ve been trying to do for close to 8 years now and feeling like I’m spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.

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#200

@Fractal_Explorer - loved the breakthrough you got from Rebirth and your talk about feeling insufficient. I can relate cause am a creative myself (but in the writing department). I keep adding and removing Ultimate Artist from my stack too when I don’t find that it is working. Either that or am too lazy to push through and sit at my desk staring at a blank word processer page. Or too afraid that I won’t be able to impress others.

I definitely need a routine where I write a fixed number of words per day.

Anyways, keep pushing through :+1:

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